Chapter Two
Getting Your Teen to Do Anything
Earlier I described how, when I am home with my very nice wife, I am inexplicably seized by an extraordinary exhaustion that makes it virtually impossible for me to perform any tasks that my very nice wife might ask of me. I may also have mentioned how my very nice wife has no sympathy or understanding at all of what clearly is a certifiable medical condition and not immaturity or laziness.
I mention this because, when asking one’s teenagers to do something that they do not feel like doing, their invariable response is amazingly similar to what I so regularly experience. As I said, with me it is a certifiable medical condition, but with them, it is clearly the fault of their baby self.
Like magic, when you make any requests of them requiring motion, they are immediately very tired.
“Madison, would you please take Raja out for his walk?”
“I’m really tired.”
“You didn’t look tired a minute ago.”
“Well, I am. I really don’t feel well. I think I have mono.”
“You don’t have mono.”
“What, are you suddenly a doctor? I thought you worked in human resources.”
“Don’t get fresh with me, Madison.”
Teens feel that you are being an incredible nag. They feel that you are constantly at them, always asking them to do something. They feel that the only contact they have with you involves prodding.
“Well, they do! That’s all she does! She can’t look at me without nagging me about something!”
They see no relationship at all between the frequency of your having to ask them to do tasks and their consistent track record of not following through with previous tasks that they had agreed to do but never did.
“I know what this is about. This is all about the time that I accidentally dropped a couple of raw eggs that broke on the floor and then said I was going to clean them up, but I was interrupted by a phone call. And then I never did get back to the eggs, but meanwhile Mom slipped on the eggs and got really pissed off. It’s not like that happens all the time! Besides, it’s not my fault I forgot about the eggs! The phone call was really important: Candace had just broken up with Jonah.”
They usually say that they will do what is requested. So long as it is not now. Furthermore, they genuinely believe that they will do it later, that their promise is real.
“Yeah, I will clean out the refrigerator. Why are you looking at me like that? I am going to do it.”
They can promise and believe the promise because they think that “he” or “she”—the “future them”—will do it. And, in fact, they can continue to make promises on behalf of the “future them” because the “future them” is always and endlessly available and willing to do the task. It is just that, at any given moment, it is the “now them” who happens to be there.
If we were to interview the “future them,” this is what might transpire:
“Don’t you mind that Madison always puts everything off on you? That you always get stuck with having to do all of the work? That it’s never her—the one who’s there right then—who has to do anything?”
“No, actually, I don’t mind at all. I’m always happy to agree to do whatever Madison wants me to. It’s no problem. I don’t mind. You see, when it’s time for me to actually do what I’ve said I would, I don’t have to do it because I can always get the ‘future me’ to do it.”
“But that’s you.”
“No, that will be me.”
If teens have an allergy to anything—besides you, of course—it is to doing anything right when you ask them to do it.
“Well, I can’t do it now! That is so unreasonable! But, like I said, I will! What? Why are you still giving me that look? What is your problem? I said I’m going to do it!”
They believe that you are a lunatic. With regard to neatness and timeliness, they believe that you are a tragic and extreme example of someone suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder (tragic because they are stuck with you as a parent).
“Mom had a full-scale hissy fit about how, when I put the clean glasses away, I mixed the short glasses in with the tall glasses. Omigod, I have a mother who is totally anal!”
Above all, teens feel extremely indignant about the demands placed on them. They feel that their parents simply do not understand how extraordinarily hard their life is, that they have no idea how many demands are made on them at school and in their social life. That having their parents make demands on them at home is really just pushing it all too far.
“That’s right: my life is really hard! I have constant pressure! There are so many demands on me! So much stress! It is all too much! How can they expect me to do stuff at home all the time on top of everything else I do?”
“But all you do is text your friends, watch TV and YouTube videos of cows getting their heads stuck in car windows.”
“See, that is an example of exactly what I am talking about! She has no idea whatsoever of what goes on in my life! How difficult and stressful it is!”
I mention all of this because it is important to understand who you are dealing with. The vast majority of teenagers, the vast majority of the time, are functioning in baby-self mode when they are with you. And all baby selves are the same—if you are asking a baby self to do something that it does not feel like doing, just know that it is more than what a baby self will ever be willing to do.
When Your Teen Doesn’t Feel Like It
For those parents who need added assurance, I must reiterate that there is probably nothing more frustrating daily than getting one’s teenage child to do something that they do not feel like doing.
“Tanya, would you please help me bring in the groceries from the car?”
“I can’t.”
“What do you mean, you can’t?”
“I can’t. I’m doing something else.”
“You don’t look like you’re doing something else.”
“Well, I was about to. I promised Kendra I would call her.”
“You can help me with the groceries and then you can call her.”
“No, I promised I would call her. She’s already going to be pissed at me because I didn’t call her as soon as I said I would.”
“Tanya, I need you to help me bring in the groceries—now!”
“You don’t have to yell at me! Everything has to be exactly when you want it! You are such a bitch!”
“You just better watch it, Tanya!”
“You better watch it!”
As this example illustrates, not only do requests often go unheeded by baby selves, but interactions following such requests can frequently end up in a contentious mess. As already mentioned, a teenager’s initial response to any request that goes against what he or she wants is almost always some form of objection. Unfortunately, as also discussed, parents frequently respond to that objection. That is, they often question the validity of—or criticize—the objection itself. But to do so, more often than not, leads to a dead end, because any response to their response only prompts another response. And with each of your subsequent responses, you move that much further away from compliance.
“Tanya, I’m not asking you to do anything so difficult. You can do it in two trips.”
“But you’re going to make me carry the heaviest bags! You always do! You know I had pneumonia and I get tired easily!”
“That was in third grade.”
“Well, I still do get very tired sometimes. I just don’t tell you about it because I don’t want you to worry.”
“Tanya, how can you expect me to believe such nonsense?”
“Because it’s true! I get tired! Listen to my breathing!”
There is, of course, another option. What I am going to recommend does not produce perfect compliance. But it works most of the time—far better than anything else you might do—and it significantly reduces back-and-forth fussing too.
The rule is straightforward: if you want your teenagers to do something that they do not feel like doing, you have to persist. You have to stay with your initial request, and at all costs you must not pick up on the reasons they offer for not doing whatever it is you want them to do. Nor should you pick up on the disrespectful attitude that will undoubtedly be reflected in their words. Responding to them only moves you further away from getting your request acted upon and toward an unpleasant confrontation. That, I assure you, will be the only outcome.
It is far better to doggedly stay on the subject.
“Tanya, would you please help me bring in the groceries from the car?”
“I can’t.”
“Tanya, I would appreciate it if you would help me bring in the groceries.”
Repeat your request. Nothing more.
I definitely recommend not biting on the “I can’t.” As soon as you challenge them, you are in for it. They would always rather get into a debate than the alternative, which is to perform the requested task.
Your tone should be similar to the tone of your first request—respectful, not challenging, but definitely businesslike. Then—in response to anything else they may say other than “Sure”—you may want to repeat your request one more time and then say no more and simply wait.
“But I promised I would call Kendra. I have to do it now.”
“Please help me bring in the groceries.”
And then you simply wait, not picking up on anything further that she says. And if that is all that you do, what will happen—most of the time—is that, grudgingly, Tanya will comply.
“Everything has to be when you want it. Everything has to be exactly your way. You are a control freak.”
But Tanya does head out to the car and starts to bring in the groceries. At that point, you definitely want to say,
“Thank you.”
Definitely not: “You know, it would be nice if, just once, you did something that I ask you to do without giving me such a hard time.”
Because what she then will think is,
See? I do something for her and I get no appreciation!
Which will produce a far poorer response in the future than would “Thank you.”
Why does Tanya comply?
Since her mother did not pick up on Tanya’s objections, and since her mother also chose not to get into a battle of wills that included threats—“You just better help me when I ask, or you are going to get some unpleasant surprises next time you want anything!”—all Tanya is left with is a simple request: her mother wants her to help bring in the groceries. Tanya knows the request is reasonable; she just doesn’t feel like doing it right then, but she never will feel like doing it. She also knows that her mother will be mad at her if she does not comply. Furthermore—and most important—her mother has not said anything that allows Tanya to twist it around to make her mother into the bad guy. For example, her mother did not say,
“When will you ever stop trying to get out of complying with even the littlest requests?”
And Tanya thinks,
I don’t always try to get out of requests! Mom’s not being fair! I do stuff! But, see, she just criticizes me all the time! It’s not fair!
In fact, that shift into “me-as-victim, parent-as-villain” mode is probably the number one way that teenagers justify their bad behavior to themselves. How else can they earnestly believe their responses are somehow not their own fault? If their parent is mad at them, that wrath must be unjustified.
They thereby circumvent the reality, which would sound something like this:
I’m lazy and I just don’t feel like it.
Instead, if Tanya’s mother can be made into the villain, Tanya is no longer morally obligated to comply.
She always yells at me! It’s not fair! I would do much more stuff for her if she talked to me nicer!
This is the way teens think. Like it or not.
But what if Tanya does not comply, does not bring in the groceries.
“No, I have to call Kendra,” she insists.
And then Tanya leaves, goes to her room, and gets into a twenty-minute phone conversation with her friend. Meanwhile her mother, wanting to get the groceries inside, empties the car herself.
What do you do then?
My recommendation is that, in this case, Tanya’s mother should go to her daughter later and say,
“This afternoon I asked you to help me bring in the groceries and you didn’t. Sometimes I need you to help. Leaving me without helping was not okay.”
Very short, to the point, and then exit.
You might wonder what good this does so I will tell you: it puts a bad feeling inside of Tanya, and now there is nothing she can do about it. It is too late.
How do I know that such a simple statement by her mother will bother Tanya? Because she will try to defend herself or counterattack. But she will be doing this to her mother’s back, because her mother is already leaving.
“You always ask me stuff at inconvenient times! If it didn’t always have to be your way, exactly the way you want it, then maybe I would do more stuff!”
But, like I said, she will be saying this to her mother’s back.
What does this accomplish? It leaves Tanya stuck with the bad feeling still inside of her. A little remorse. She knows that she acted poorly and that her mother did not like it. And she will remember this. The memory definitely lingers, and should similar circumstances arise in the future, this particular memory of her acting poorly and her mom being right in recognizing it will exert pressure on Tanya to comply.
Shit. I really don’t feel like doing this, but if I don’t Mom will be pissed.
Which might not be enough to help Tanya overcome her laziness. But maybe it is.
The next time:
“Oh, all right, but I wish one time that you would ask Jason instead of always asking me.”
“Thank you, Tanya.”
Will this always work? No. Of course not. But it works as well—probably even better—as anything else, and with considerably less fuss.
Let’s look at a slightly different scenario: What if Tanya’s mother chooses not to bring in the groceries but decides instead to wait for her daughter to do it? In that case, Tanya’s mother needs to go to where her daughter is talking on the phone and say,
“Tanya, do not forget. I need you to bring in the groceries.”
“Mother!”
“Do not forget.”
Tanya’s mother then needs to stay after her daughter in order to make sure that the groceries are brought in.
“Tanya, you need to bring in the groceries.”
In similar situations, the vast majority of the time, the Tanyas of the world will—begrudgingly, in order to get her mother off her back—bring in the groceries.
Then if Tanya’s mother wishes she may say:
“I would have liked it better if you had brought in the groceries when I asked.”
Though I still prefer the simpler response of,
“Thank you, Tanya.”
But regardless of what Tanya’s mother says, the message is clear:
There are things that I expect you to do, and those expectations do not go away simply because you’ve shrugged them off. You may at times ignore what I ask of you, but tomorrow and the next day and the day after that, my requests will always keep coming.
The obvious next question is, What about rewards and punishments? To that I say, rewards such as tying cooperation around the house to an allowance or special bonuses for extra tasks could work. Punishments might also include groundings or taking away access to cell phones, favored sites on the Internet, or video games. Rewards and punishment do indeed work, but only temporarily. In the long run, as a means of getting today’s teenagers to do what they do not feel like doing, rewards and punishments tend not to be very effective. If they truly worked better than what I propose, then I’d have less of an argument. But I do not believe this to be the case. I should add that escalating punishments for continued lack of cooperation—longer grounding, lengthy restrictions, taking away a long anticipated class trip—is a mistake. The risk is too great that the child is likely to be bitter toward his parents. A strong adversarial relationship does not produce better cooperation. It produces sullen, passive rebellion.
I prefer that tasks are expected as part of living in a household, rather than that they are always tied into a reward or an escape from punishment. If you want to use reward and punishment and they seem effective, then I have no strong complaint. I also have no objection at all to natural consequences. These are where an unpleasant outcome becomes the direct consequence of an action not taken. For example, a teenager not putting her dirty laundry into the hamper next to the washing machine results in those clothes not being washed. These are fine—and often work. But most day-to-day chores do not have such clear or acceptable deprivations. Would a bathroom not cleaned actually result in losing the right to use the bathroom? Would groceries not brought in from the car yield a punishment of no dinner? The truth is that there are no hard-and-fast answers. Getting teens to do what they do not feel like doing takes work. It just does.
The “I’ll Do It Later” Syndrome
We all have an inner procrastinator who puts off doing the things that we like to do least, but the teenage inner procrastinator is a master, managing to avoid the inevitable far longer than even the craftiest adult. The following may be an extreme example, but it does make my point:
“Evan, would you please bring your dirty laundry down to the cellar?”
“I will, later.”
Later:
“Evan, I asked you to bring your laundry down to the cellar.”
“Yeah, I will. I’m planning to.”
“When are you planning to?”
“I said I would do it. I will. Later.”
Still later:
“Evan, you still haven’t brought down your laundry to the cellar.”
“Jesus! I said I would do it! What do you want?”
“I want you to bring your laundry down to the cellar.”
“I’m going to!”
“When?”
“Soon. Later. Whatever. I’m going to do it!”
Many, many years later:
Evan has finally brought the laundry down to the cellar. And now, half an hour later, he is standing by his father’s gravestone.
“It was what Dad asked me to do. It was his last wish. and I’ve done it for him. That was for you, Dad.”
“Your father would be very happy and proud.”
The best strategy regarding the “I’ll do it later” syndrome is to assume that “later” means “never.” Parents who get increasingly angry and frustrated when their teenage child regularly promises that a given task will be done later but keeps putting off that task are making a big mistake. If a child’s track record indicates that they frequently do not get around to doing what they promise to do, or if they regularly fail to do anything else in a timely manner, then repeatedly asking them to do this task is a waste of time.
“Evan, how many times do I have to ask you to do something before you’ll do it?”
“I dunno.”
It is better to stick with “now.”
“Evan, would you please bring your dirty laundry down to the cellar.”
“I will, later.”
“No, Evan, I want you to do it now.”
“I said I would do it. I will. Later.”
“No, Evan, please do it now.”
“Jesus, everything has to be when you want it! Everything has to be now! I have a life. I can’t be expected to drop everything just because you snap your fingers!”
Don’t expect Evan to be happy with the “now.” And certainly do not expect him to come unarmed to the task. He will very likely have a diversion in his back pocket. Evan’s father, for instance, is trying desperately not to be pulled off the track by his son’s objections. He doesn’t really want to get dragged into an argument with his son about the rightness or wrongness of his demands for Evan to do the task immediately.
If I were him, I would not say:
“This is not about snapping my fingers. If you regularly did get around to doing what I ask, there wouldn’t be a problem. But you don’t.”
The only thing that accomplishes is more arguing.
“I would follow up on tasks, but you never give me enough time to do them! You don’t know if I would get around to doing them or not!”
Again, it is better for Evan’s father to simply stick to his guns.
“Evan, please bring your laundry down to the cellar now.”
And, as discussed, what happens the great majority of the time is that Evan will comply.
“You know, it’s really aggravating how everything has to be your way. You’re a control freak, you know that?”
But he goes and does it.
And as always,
“Thank you, Evan.”
When They Don’t Do a Good Enough Job
Surely you will recognize the following example of halfhearted compliance:
“Veronica, would you please come into the kitchen?”
“What?”
“I asked you to wash off the plates from dinner, and most of them still have food particles left on them. You need to wash them again so they’re clean.”
“Omigod, I can’t believe you! I did wash them good. I don’t see any food particles. What, did you have a magnifying glass? Anything I do, it’s not good enough!”
Perhaps the single most unpleasant task in child rearing is dealing with teens when they do what is requested but they do an inadequate job. This is such an unpleasant experience because they will almost certainly have a major fit.
“Omigod, you are such a lunatic! You want me to lick the plates? Will that work? I hate this house. Omigod.”
Many parents choose to live with partial success because they don’t want to risk pushing their luck or provoking a barrage of teenage abuse.
Well, I mean, she did wash the dishes—sort of. I think I’ll go with that. I mean, it’s not such a big deal, I can rinse them again right now and be done with it.
Which is fine if that is what you choose to do. But be aware that if you do not pick up on jobs inadequately done (with those few rare exceptions when you give yourself the night off from being the ogre), those jobs will continue to be inadequately done.
“Veronica, what is this? Look at it. It looks like a big gob of congealed mashed potatoes still clinging to the plate.”
“I don’t see it. Maybe it’s part of the plate design.”
It’s okay if that’s what you choose. But, if not, then you do need to persist.
“Veronica, you need to wash the dishes all over again.”
If you do regularly and consistently refuse to accept half-assed jobs, then teens do get the message. They learn that if they do an inadequate job, they will hear about it and will be asked to redo it.
“Now, isn’t that better? Look at the dishes. They’re really clean. Doesn’t that make you feel a little bit good about having done a job well?”
“No.”
But actually, Veronica is lying.
The bottom line about getting today’s teenagers to do what they do not feel like doing is that it does take effort and persistence on your part. There is no way around it.