So far, I have talked mainly about issues between parent and teenager. But the life of a teenager is not limited to that twosome or threesome. It gets more complicated. Your teenager is part of a family. And families have their own issues.
I know you’ll recognize this exchange:
“Ricky, turn off the computer and come to supper,” says his father.
“I will in a minute. Just let me finish something. I’m right in the middle. It will only be two minutes. I swear to God.”
“No, Ricky, turn off the computer now.”
“But, Dad, it will just be two minutes. Just let me finish.”
“No, Ricky, now!”
“Dad, I said two minutes. Jesus.”
“You heard me, Ricky!”
“Dad, you are such a dick!”
“Don’t talk to me that way!”
“But you’re being a dick!”
“You know what? You’re grounded for the weekend!”
“DAD!”
Reluctantly, Ricky comes in for supper.
“Mom, Dad said I was grounded for the weekend and that’s so unfair! I was going to come! He didn’t even give me a chance! Now I’m going to miss Evan’s party! I didn’t do anything wrong!”
Ricky’s mother—who was in the next room—has heard the whole scene between father and son.
“Carl, don’t you think that’s a little strict? I know his language was disrespectful. I’m not condoning that. But you could have given him the two minutes. Do you really think grounding him for the whole weekend fits his crime?”
“Stay out of this, Elizabeth. He knows he can twist you around his little finger.”
“No, that’s not it, Carl. Sometimes you just get too mad. He’s a teenager.”
“Stay out of this, Elizabeth.”
“I’m not going to stay out of it if you keep coming down on him so hard all the time.”
“No wonder he’s growing up like a spoiled brat,” says Ricky’s father. He jumps up from his seat at the table, grabs his car keys, and storms out. “You got what you wanted, didn’t you, Ricky?” his father calls out just before he slams the front door.
The number one problem in parenting a teenager where there is more than one parent in the home is that parents often do not agree on parenting decisions. This is normal and inevitable. Any two parents are bound to disagree over specific day-to-day issues—whether it’s okay for kids to put their feet up on the couch with their shoes on, or whether it’s okay not to turn the lights off when they leave a room. And they will often disagree on bigger issues—with one or the other being more or less strict about limits, or differing on the degree of back talk that they will tolerate. These disagreements can be a source of occasional irritation between parents or, as definitely can happen, they can destroy a relationship between two adults.
I’ll admit it. I’m more lenient than his dad. In fact, I think part of why I give in as much as I do is that I feel his dad is too strict about a lot of stuff, and I compensate—maybe not consciously—by being less strict. Maybe I can make Ricky feel a little less like he’s living on a military base, which is the way I think he often feels when his father is in charge.
Fortunately, this does not have to be a big problem. There are certain simple rules that, if followed, can head off most of the serious clashes between two parents in the arena of child rearing.
If the parent who steps in first makes a decision, the other parent needs to back them up—even if the second parent strongly disagrees. To do otherwise, as was the case with Ricky’s parents, undermines the first parent’s authority and demonstrates that the two of them are not a unified team. Ricky sees that he can get around or weaken any parenting decision by his father. This can seriously hurt the relationship between the undermined parent and the child, because the parent will harbor considerable resentment toward his child for circumventing his authority. It makes him feel like less of a parent. This reaction is inevitable. The undermined parent will also harbor considerable bad feelings toward his partner. Serious bad feelings. This too is inevitable.
Elizabeth doesn’t even realize how much Ricky manipulates her. It’s not just that Ricky is being taught not to respect me. She’s not respecting me. And that really bothers me.
Last, there is a very real benefit from one parent backing the other, even if they do disagree. It forces the child to learn to deal with the stricter parent. It allows for that relationship to evolve—perhaps to a better place. That cannot happen when the child knows that he does not have to work on dealing more effectively with his father because he can always get around him. Should Ricky’s mother simply keep her mouth shut if she disagrees with what her husband did? At the time, yes. But if it is something that really concerns her, then she should talk about it with her son’s father privately at a later time. And then, as couples do, they can discuss or argue about the punishment, not to change it but so that Ricky’s mother can express how she would feel about similar parenting decisions in the future. Couples will never completely agree about parenting, and it is not necessary that they do. But what is necessary is that, when one or the other makes a decision, the other parent backs them up. The exception is where a parent feels that there is actual abuse; then you do have to intervene. But not liking a partner’s parenting decision is not a reason to intervene.
The following would have been better:
“Mom, Dad said I was grounded for the weekend and that’s so unfair! I was going to come! He didn’t even give me a chance! Now I’m going to miss Evan’s party! I didn’t do anything wrong!”
“That’s between you and your father.”
That is, leave it where it belongs—between father and son. It is the only way.
Again, if Ricky’s mother really does feel that her son’s father is too harsh too often, she should discuss it with him at a later time, out of their son’s hearing.
And one last point: if Ricky’s mother feels that her son suffers from too often being on the wrong end of his father’s ire, she can empathize. But this is tricky, because she does not want to be critical of his dad. That would only take her son completely off the hook from ever trying to change his own behavior in interactions with his dad.
See, Mom agrees with me. Dad’s a jerk. It’s all his fault. I don’t have to look at my own behavior.
It might be best to say something like,
“I know you feel that your dad is too strict. And I know sometimes it’s hard for you.” (She is recognizing his feelings, and perhaps he knows that his mother feels that way too, but she isn’t saying it. To say it breaks the unified stance. But he also gets to feel that he is not quite so alone with what might, at times, be truly difficult for him.) “But you could make my life and yours a whole lot more pleasant if you would do what your dad asks without making a fuss every time.”
Ricky’s mother makes her point, and her son hears it. Her statement recognizes his feelings but does not absolve him from all responsibility. Saying the above would be enough. She would not want to say anything further.
Momma Amy is outside working in the garden when she is approached by her daughter, Melanie.
“Momma Amy, is it okay if I charge fifty dollars at the mall to get this really amazing top I saw last week?”
“No.”
Melanie then goes inside to where Momma Jean is doing a crossword puzzle in the library.
“Momma Jean, is it okay if I charge fifty dollars at the mall for this really nice top I saw last week? It’s on sale, marked down from a hundred and twenty dollars.”
“I don’t know—fifty dollars sounds like a lot.”
“But, Momma Jean, it’s really nice, and like I said, it’s an amazing bargain!”
“Okay.”
Later:
“Melanie, is that a new top?” asks Momma Amy.
“Sort of.”
“Did you just charge that when I explicitly said not to?”
“Momma Jean said it was okay.”
“Jean, did you tell Melanie it was okay to get that top?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I had told her she couldn’t.”
“How was I supposed to know?”
Many teenagers who grow up to be wonderful people can be rather slippery in dealings with their parents, playing one against the other. Looking for the best deal. Resorting to half truths and total untruths to get what they want, as long as they think they can get away with it.
And they think nothing of it.
Well, if Momma Amy says no, and I know that maybe Momma Jean will say it’s okay, I’d be stupid not to ask Momma Jean.
Obviously the best policy is to check with your partner before making a decision. But checking with the other parent is not always possible. And sometimes it just feels like too much trouble. This means that sometimes, even when you are careful, they will get away with it.
So what should you do if you catch them in a dishonest attempt at manipulation? Mainly you want them to know that you found out about it and you don’t like it. But you also want to tell them that you will now have to be more careful about decisions you make when your partner isn’t around.
What this teaches them is that they are not quite as smart as they think they are, and they will lose a degree of freedom because of their dishonesty.
It’s a partial deterrent. But when it comes to controlling manipulative teens, that’s about the best you can get.
How bad is it that teens will play one parent against the other, looking for the best deal? How hard should you try to make sure they don’t get away with it? I think this is one of those issues that falls into the bad-but-not-very-bad category. I’m willing to be diligent so that they can’t manipulate their way to the best deal—but only to a point. If sometimes they flimflam their way to a better deal, I’m not going to lose a lot of sleep over it. It is what teenagers do.
Making rules can be pretty straightforward when you are talking about a lone teenager. But it immediately gets more complicated when there are multiple children in the family. As soon as there’s more than one, any decision about one child now has to be viewed in the context of another child.
“No, I’m sorry, Garrett. I do not want you having Timmy over after school when it’s just the two of you at the house.”
“But that’s not fair! You’ve always let Miranda have her friends over when there’s no adult!”
“No, I’m sorry, Garrett.”
“You can’t do this; it’s not fair!”
It’s a problem. A rule exists for one of your children, but then along comes another now-teenage child in the same situation. Even if they are the same age—let’s say for the sake of argument that Garrett and Miranda are fraternal twins—you are not comfortable applying the same rule.
“Yeah, my father set the rule with Miranda. She could have friends over with no adults. Federal Statute 6388 clearly states that if it’s the rule with one child, it has to be the same rule with a different child in the same circumstance. I mean, everybody knows that. It’s the law.”
Actually, it isn’t the law. But the majority of kids today probably believe deep in their hearts that there really is an unwritten law that allows the same privileges to each child of a comparable age within the same family.
And it’s not only the kids who worry about a lack of fairness. Parents feel governed by fairness rules too.
Well, yes. I try to make sure that any decisions I make will be fair. I do think it’s important.
When kids say, “It’s not fair,” and we agree with them that it isn’t fair, that it isn’t equal treatment, it’s troubling. After all, isn’t being fair the backbone of what we teach them? How we raise them to be considerate of others? Isn’t it important that we—of all people—be fair too? How else will they learn, if not by example?
“Because my parents weren’t fair when I was a kid, I now rob jewelery and liquor stores. They never taught me the right way.”
Isn’t that how it works?
Not really. Sometimes there are other considerations that supersede fairness. But do not expect them to see it that way.
“Garrett, I know we let Miranda have friends over. But they’re not going to make trouble. I worry when it’s you and, really, any of your friends. Somehow you’ll get into mischief. Like that last time, when you stole liquor, made prank calls, and broke the lamp in the TV room because of your wrestling.”
“What does that have to do with anything? You let Miranda do it and you say I can’t. It’s not fair!”
It is a common problem. It can be about big things, such as when you will allow them to get a driver’s license or go out on dates. Or little things, such as watching an adult-content movie or whether you buy them a bag of chips on impulse in the supermarket.
While fairness is a high priority, it is not our highest priority. Parents are guided by principles that may transcend fairness: for example, safety, or what you believe is in each child’s overall best interests. Or even your own needs, taking into account that on a given day you may just be too tired to take your child to the store, despite the fact that you did the same thing for that child’s sibling the day before.
I’m just really too tired today. I just don’t have the energy to go out. But try getting him to understand.
So what should you do? Try to explain, but also know that, if it is genuinely unequal, they’re not going to buy it—no matter what you say.
“But it’s not fair! You let Miranda have friends over and not me! You can’t do that!”
As you well know by now, there comes a time to disengage, and this is very likely the place to do it. You will have to be the one to end the discussion. Garrett is not going to get it. The unfairness will rankle no matter what. And trying too hard to get him to understand will only lead to increasing frustration.
“But it’s not fair!”
“I just explained it, Garrett.”
“But it’s not fair!”
Which it isn’t. But no point you make will convince him otherwise. Hence, at that point, it would be best to say:
“I am sorry, Garrett, I know you feel it is unfair, but I am just not comfortable with you and a friend alone in the house.”
“But it’s not fair!”
You have nothing more to say. Your message will be heard. Not all decisions are exclusively guided by fairness. Sometimes other issues take priority— for example, that your judgment of risk may vary from child to child.
Over time, Garrett may well comprehend. It is part of the development of a more mature and nuanced moral system. Fairness is important, but sometimes there are more significant aspects to take into consideration. Someday he may understand. But not now.
Two piranhas were having a nasty fight in a river. Just then, a pleasant-looking woman standing on the riverbank called out to them, “Tell me what the problem is and I’m sure that I can help you work out a solution.”
The piranhas immediately stopped their fighting, swam to the surface, and called out to her, “Oh, yes. That is an excellent plan. Please come into the river and we will begin our discussion. We’re sure that it will be very productive.”
So the woman dove in to aid the piranhas.
Her family was sad when she did not return that evening.
For those families with more than one child, let me offer some advice that can eliminate what may be the greatest single source of parental wear and tear:
When siblings bicker, intervene only when you absolutely have to—when it has become too physical or the noise is driving you crazy. At those times your aim is to have them stop. You want them to separate. You do not want to mediate or come down on one side or the other; you just want them to end the fighting. The one exception is where there is a threat of physical harm. If so, and the fighting does not stop immediately, do not back off from calling the police. As teens, they are now big, and injuries do happen. You cannot risk real physical harm. You may shout,
“The two of you, stop it!”
But don’t get involved in the dispute itself. That’s the big mistake. For as soon as you intervene, no matter what you say, you will immediately find yourself in the middle.
“Mom, that little brat Carly got into my makeup and she ruined one of my lipsticks!”
“I did not! I didn’t touch Anne Marie’s lipstick! She always thinks it’s me! But she ruined it herself! She never lets me use anything of hers anyway!”
“Mom, she uses my stuff all of the time!”
“I do not! I do not!”
Don’t touch it. This is not the place to be the all-knowing, resolver-of-all-conflicts parent.
“Time-out. Okay, Carly, Anne Marie, I want each of you to tell me what happened. You’ll both get your chance to tell me your side. Remember, no interrupting. Let’s see if we can come to a solution that will work for both of you. Carly, you can go first.”
“Okay, Mom, it was like this . . .”
Once again, we are taught that “fair” reasoning is the method of the perfect parent. But everything is different in the real world. It never gets past the “no interrupting” part. It is the way that leads to madness.
“Mom! Mom! Don’t listen to her! That’s not the way it was at all!”
“Omigod. Mom, Carly is such a liar! I’m gonna smack you, Carly!”
“Mom, Anne Marie says she’s going to smack me!”
This is because, once you enter a dispute between siblings, a strange thing happens: the children are no longer interested in the issue at hand. With you in the picture, they become interested in only one thing: getting you on their side. They will be satisfied only with the complete capture of you.
“Yes, I have decided. Anne Marie, you are completely in the wrong. You are grounded to your room for one month, no, make that two months. We will have everything removed from your room to make it as unpleasant for you as possible. And Carly, my gem above all gems, I am raising your allowance by ten dollars, though I know this cannot compensate for the pain and suffering that has been caused by your sister.”
“Yes!” says Carly.
“I’m going to kill you, Carly!” says Anne Marie.
It’s much better not to listen. Listening only fuels the fire. It’s much better to throw the responsibility of working out a solution back on them.
Useful phrases include: “I don’t want to hear about it.”
Or, “The two of you will just have to work it out.”
Or, perhaps, where one or the other comes running to you for aid in a dispute,
“Anne Marie says she’s going to hit me with a hairbrush if I even go near any of her cosmetics!”
“Gosh, that sounds like a problem (for you but not for me).”
Or, “Boy, I’ll bet that makes you mad.”
All of the above responses take you out of the equation and place the burden on your teens to work out a solution. Maybe they can, and maybe they can’t. But they certainly won’t if all they ever do is come running to you.
If you follow this procedure firmly and consistently, they learn that when it comes to solving their disputes, you are useless.
“All Mom ever does is say, ‘The two of you will have to work it out.’ ”
But how will they learn to resolve conflicts if they are not shown the path to fair resolutions by you, their parent? you wonder.
Precisely. How will they learn to work out solutions in the real world, how will they learn to negotiate, unless they get practice? If anything, your intervention gets in the way of their developing that skill.
But the main benefit of abstaining from their fights—and it’s a big one—is that, though they will continue to bicker, you will not get caught up in that most horrible of parenting activities: trying to resolve an unwinnable argument.
The stress-reduction benefits can be remarkable.
I have often been asked, “At what age is it least difficult for a child to deal with their parents getting a divorce?” The answer is: no age. Divorce is difficult for children even when they are grown adults. The issues differ for each age, but it is always hard.
With regard to teenagers, there are many various issues, depending on the circumstances and on the child. But what follows are three big concerns for teens.
What’s Going to Happen to Me?
A divorce adds a degree of instability to a teen’s life.
To combat this you must, over the course of a divorce, be as honest and specific as possible about what is going to happen. Be clear about where each parent will live—recognizing that this may change. For teens, knowing where their home—or homes—will be is extremely important to them. They will also want to know how often they will see each parent and what the arrangements will be. This usually is not set in stone, at least early in a divorce. They will want to know if they have to move or change schools. To teenagers, the latter is a very big deal, and you will want to be as up front with them as you can.
“What’s going to happen? Where am I going to live? What’s going to be the deal with visits and all? Am I going to have to change schools? Are there going to be new problems about money?”
Teens are very definitely going to worry about all of this. For their peace of mind, the best strategy is to be communicative, and whenever you are unsure of the answers to their questions, let them know that too—as truthfully as you can.
“For now, you’re going to live here with me. You will see your dad regularly—we don’t know how much. He has to get settled. I don’t know about moving; I have no plans to move. Certainly, for now, there aren’t going to be any big changes. If there are going to be, I will always let you know, and you can always ask me. We may not have as much money as we did before, so there may be some things we won’t be able to afford that we could afford before.”
Keep them informed, because the more they know about what’s going to happen, the more they are able to manage the considerable anxiety they naturally feel about this new shift in their life.
Taking Sides
Virtually all parents will say—and genuinely mean—that they do not want their children to feel that they have to take sides. They say that they want their children to be free to have a good and close relationship with both parents. Although they may harbor ill will—even considerable ill will—toward their ex-partner, they really do not want that to factor into their child’s interactions with the other parent.
The problem is that such sentiments and statements turn out to be tougher to maintain than most realize. Divorcing parents often start off well. But then the divorce settlement arrives, putting in writing the actual arrangements with regard to the kids and especially with regard to money, and now there is less to help them make good on those promises. There are almost always unwelcome surprises as to how much tighter money is than anticipated. Despite everyone’s good intentions, disputes frequently arise. And, somehow, the kids end up in the middle.
Even though the parents are now divorced, it is precisely because of their children that they have to deal with each other over an extended period of time. Arrangements regarding visits—and the even more contentious subject of money—ensure their ongoing interactions. One parent may have to continually shell out money, while the other parent may continually feel that he or she is not getting enough of it. And with these disputes—no matter how good the intentions of all the parties involved—it is the kids who get sucked into the turmoil.
“Dad said that I can’t play on the travel soccer team because you won’t put up the money for it, which Dad says you do have. He says he already pays child support, so you get plenty of money. And he has no extra money because he’s just getting by as it is, which includes the child support, which he says is more than what most fathers have to pay. He also says, ‘Your mother had a very good lawyer.’ ”
It soon becomes about setting the record straight. The issue is pretty straightforward: your child will tell you the other parent’s version of the facts, a version that casts you in a negative light and is patently untrue. The absolutely normal reaction—at least with regard to the untruths—is to want to tell your side of the story as well, to make your version known.
“Well, yes, all I’m saying is that it’s not fair to me to have Jamie go around with this complete misconception, thinking all these negative thoughts about me because of lies that his father is telling him without at least telling him my side of the story—the true side.”
The problem with this is simple. Let’s say that Jamie’s mother does tell her son her side of the story:
“No, it is your father’s obligation to pay for extracurricular activities within reason, beyond the child support payments. The fact is that your father is not strapped financially, and even with my salary and the child support it is very tight to cover even basic expenses. Look at the car that I drive and the car that your father drives. And all that stuff about my having a good lawyer and how he got screwed is nonsense. He pays less than most fathers who have the yearly income that he does—which he never has been fully honest about.”
And let’s say that everything Jamie’s mother is saying is true. What’s wrong with Jamie’s mother letting him know the facts as she sees them, so he at least can get both sides of the story and then decide for himself which parent is causing problems with his plan to be on the travel soccer team?
The problem is that when Jamie’s mother responds to his dad’s accusations, Jamie is now officially pulled into the debate. Both parents have essentially cast Jamie in the role of judge and jury reviewing the case as presented by the two opposing lawyers. They are putting him in the center of a court case—where his parents are the combatants.
But maybe that’s not actually what Jamie wants. The net and inevitable result of Jamie’s father’s accusations and his mother’s counterarguments is that, to the extent that the debate continues, Jamie is left with the ongoing question: “Who is at fault, Mom or Dad?” It stays in his head and is an upsetting ordeal for him. Who wants to be in the role of deciding which of their parents is a jerk? Or discovering that maybe they both are? What Jamie would prefer thinking is:
They hate each other. They don’t agree about anything. That’s why they got a divorce. Duh. But they both like me—at least I think they do. That’s all I care about. I just want to have a nice life and not spend any time worrying about which of them is right and which of them is wrong and having to be careful what I say so that they don’t get pissed off. I just want to have a nice time when I’m with each of them, and totally not have to worry about any of that shit. All thinking about it does is make me feel bad. Why can’t they just—for my sake—work out this shit and not drag me into it? They’re grown-ups and all, but they’re not acting very grown up when it’s about each other. That’s for sure.
In the case of Mom versus Dad in the court of Jamie’s mind, no matter what the final decision, Jamie is the loser.
I, Jamie Ramsbottom, have decided, and my decision is that my mother is a jerk. (No, that’s not so great. How about this?) I have decided that my father is a jerk. (No, I don’t like that either.) I have decided that they’re both jerks. (I certainly don’t like that, but it does seem a little closer to the truth.)
Regardless of the outcome, Jamie loses—he is the one having to participate in his parents’ court case. It certainly isn’t fun.
Why would parents want to do this? How does their child possibly benefit from being drawn into their fight? The obvious answer: he doesn’t.
The way I think these conversations should have gone down is as follows:
“I will do all I can to work out travel soccer for you. But it’s between me and your father.”
The mother does not defend herself by presenting alternate facts to her son. Instead she tells him that she is not going to discuss his father’s accusations any further.
Even if the travel soccer does not work out because neither parent ended up paying for it, and the father maintained his stance, saying,
“Just like I told you. It’s all your mother’s fault because she wouldn’t budge an inch when it comes to sticking it to me.”
Jamie’s mother should still not defend herself, saying instead,
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you about the travel soccer.”
Even if Jamie retorts with,
“Dad said it was your all your fault because you just want to stick it to him.”
His mother should still say,
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”
What, then, is Jamie left with?
I don’t know what to believe. Dad says it was all Mom’s fault, and Mom says it was between her and Dad, and obviously they couldn’t work it out. But I’m the one who’s screwed. I don’t know whose fault it is, but I do know that it sucks having divorced parents who can’t agree on anything.
When I’m with Mom she won’t get into it, which I like better than with Dad, who brings it up a lot. At least when I’m with her, I don’t have to get into any of that shit. Not like with Dad.
Over time, when in comparable situations where Jamie’s father bad-mouths his mother and his mother does not get into it, Jamie will almost certainly come away with:
I like Mom’s way better. I don’t know what the truth is in all the stuff that went on, but at least Mom didn’t pull me into it the way Dad did.
In the long run, the parent who does not pull Jamie into the court case comes out looking better.
The End of Our Happy Family
“I know it’s better this way. Neither Mom or Dad was happy with the other. And toward the end it was awful. There was this constant tension, if there wasn’t an actual blowup going on. But I can’t help it: I still miss that we were a family, and that it’s never going to be that way again.”
“You miss the good family times, huh?”
“Not really. Actually, there weren’t any that I can remember.”
“I don’t get it.”
“I don’t either, but sometimes I get real sad about it anyway.”
It may not always be apparent, but the majority of teens do grieve over the way it was. Even if the way it was wasn’t so great, there is a sadness. These kids don’t just grieve over the lost family times (happy or not). Many surprisingly harbor the secret wish that their parents would get back together again.
“But, Ricky, they hate each other now. It’s been eight years. You say you really like Wayne (his stepfather of four years). You’re happy he’s in your family. And you say it would never work if your parents did get back together. And that there’s no way it’s ever going to happen anyway.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“But you still want them back together?”
“Yeah. I know it’s stupid. But, yeah.”
For all of the above reasons it is always a good idea for divorced parents of teens to periodically go to their child at a quiet time and ask,
“Do you sometimes feel sad about the divorce?”
And maybe you don’t get anything back.
“No, I don’t really think about it much.”
Which is fine. But maybe sometimes, the child will say,
“I don’t know. I guess. I mean, we were a family. And that’s all gone. I know it wasn’t great but I still miss it.”
And they may even get sad. Which is not a bad thing. It is important to just recognize for them that the sadness is there and that it is okay.
Different Households, Different Rules
It’s great when divorced parents work together for what they believe is in their kids’ best interests, striving always to be on the same page.
“Hi, Diane, it’s me. Did you say that it was okay for James to rent Bimbo Horror Night?”
“Why, that little devil! No, of course not! Thanks for checking with me, Brad.”
But, often, that’s not the way it happens.
“Mom, why do I have to go to bed at ten-thirty on school nights? Dad lets me stay up as long as I want, just so I’m up on time in the morning. He says I’m responsible enough that I don’t need a set bedtime.”
“Mom, why do I have to clean the bathroom? I don’t have to at Dad’s.”
“Mom, Dad lets me have Sherri Ann in my room. He says you’re too uptight.”
Of course, Mom is thinking:
His father doesn’t just have different rules; he actually says anything he can to undermine my rules. He won’t discuss anything. If I call him, he just hangs up or says, “You know the great thing about you and me being divorced, Eleanor? I don’t have to listen to you. What about them apples?” I genuinely think he does a lot of it just to spite me.
And her ex is thinking:
No, I do it differently with Marcus because I think my way is right. His mother is way off. She smothers him. But I’ll admit, if she gets really pissed, it does give me some pleasure.
It is always best when parents work together. At the same time, it is not necessary or realistic to believe that divorced parents are going to have the same rules. They do see things differently, which is partly why they split. That said, it can be very frustrating for parents to hear what goes on in the other home. And it’s not just rules that cause concern. Various other behaviors your child is exposed to can cause worries too.
Marianne drinks a lot, which the kids get to see. I worry about the effect on them.
Many divorced parents have a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that, other than where there is real abuse or neglect, you can only control what goes on in your child’s life when you are with your child. I have heard the concerns repeatedly from the many parents I counsel:
“But that’s not right. Their dad does so much that qualifies as bad parenting, it has to have a negative effect on both of the kids. The stuff he says to them sometimes is so outrageous. And I don’t trust some of his friends who are over at the house.”
But you must remember: You can only control what goes on when you are with your child.
It is one of the hardest parts of parenting and divorce, if not the most difficult part. You have great influence on your teen, but there is also this other person in your child’s life, who at least to some extent—and maybe even to a large extent—may not be such a good influence at all, but that person has continuing contact with your child and influence on your child’s life as well.
You can always go to court. But that costs money every time, and courts generally do not like to make rulings about day-to-day parenting issues.
It’s extremely frustrating when you genuinely believe that you are right. You may believe that what your ex is doing is definitely not in your child’s best interests and is sabotaging what you are doing—yet because your ex’s rules are more attractive, your ex seems to have all the leverage.
“Yeah, Dad’s way more cool about stuff than Mom.”
Parents often feel strong pressure to amend their own rules just so they’re not too much of the bad guy. They find themselves defending their every action, even if just in their mind.
“He’s, like, everything’s fun. And I’m stuck in the role of the parent who’s always making rules and handling the daily grind of parenting, like, ‘Put away your laundry.’ It’s so totally unfair. But I can’t win.”
Despite the pressures that come to bear, however, I think it works best if you stick with the rules that you believe in: “This is the deal when you are here with me. What goes on at your dad’s is up to him.”
Teens will usually accept that the rules differ between the two parents. But that doesn’t mean that they will like your rules any better, or that you won’t regularly hear,
“But at Dad’s . . .”
Switching Homes
Under such circumstances it is normal for a parent to worry.
But what if they dislike my rules so much that they decide to go live with their dad?
It is not uncommon for teenagers in divorced families to switch homes at some point. And sometimes they even switch back again. This can happen because they prefer the deal at the other parent’s household.
“Yeah, like I said, it’s way cooler at Dad’s.”
It can happen because battles at one home escalated to the point where it was just too much.
It’s 2:30 a.m. on a school night and you find yourself making the call you least want to make: “Robert, come get your daughter before I kill her.”
This is not necessarily a bad thing. Parents worry that if a teenager can switch homes, they are running away from responsibility.
Aren’t they eliminating the possibility of ever learning how to work through conflicts? Maybe. But often it turns out that the other home is not quite the bed of roses they expected—that the greener pasture may be the one they left!
I didn’t understand what a jerk Dad can be sometimes. And I way underestimated how bossy Lisa (the stepmother) can be when you live there.
These switches can be for the best when the situation at one home has gotten to be too problematic and for whatever reason things do go more smoothly at the other home. But even so, it can feel like a defeat:
Well, she got what she wanted, and so did he. Now I look like the impossible mother bitch who couldn’t deal with her own daughter.
Just know that it really isn’t. Often the contentious relationship between parent and teen actually improves because the child is no longer living there most of the time. Even if they don’t say it, both sides are thinking,
Yeah, me and Mom are actually getting along a lot better now that I’m at Dad’s.
Yeah, Isabel and I are getting along much better now that she’s living mainly at her dad’s. I hate to say it, but I actually like it this way.
Dealing with New Family Members
If you are no longer with your child’s other parent, there’s always the possibility of having new people in yours and their lives. New family members. New “sort-of” family members. Boyfriends, girlfriends, new partners, new stepparents, new half-siblings or stepsiblings. New people all around. This, of course, can elicit real resistance.
I don’t like it. I wasn’t the one who asked my parents to get a divorce. That wasn’t my choice, and now they expect me to live with Sondra (his father’s live-in girlfriend), who actually isn’t that bad, but also Louis, the asshole. I do not understand what Mom sees in him, and also the thought that they might actually have sex makes me want to throw up and they’re all, like, hands all over each other—which certainly didn’t happen with Dad. I mean, it’s really disgusting. None of this was my choice.
And, oh, did I mention Craig, the hyperactivity disorder poster-boy (Sondra’s eight-year-old son)? I don’t know if he’s officially hyperactive, but he really is a little wild man, which I know bothers Dad, and Sondra can’t really control him. And can I tell you something else? Louis. He comes in and sits in the recliner in the TV room, which has always been where I sit. And he thinks he’s so cool—you should see the jewelry he wears. He should be on the cover of Asshole Weekly. Seriously. I mean the whole thing is completely unfair. And do you know what I can do about it? Jack shit. That’s what.
The addition of new partners or new siblings can actually be less of a problem with younger children than with adolescents. Teens are typically not going to see new people as true family members. They are more set in their ways and are not interested in changes that were not of their making. They must now share space. They get less of you—which they may not mind, except that they like to know that you would be available if they wanted you to be. And they are now expected to act cordially—on their home turf—toward people they could care less about or maybe even actively dislike.
I can tell you a lot more about Louis.
One important rule to keep in mind is as follows: always make sure that there is a regular time when it is just you and your kid or kids, alone together. They care a lot that the old family is not totally destroyed, and that they still can have full and regular access to you.
Of course, some problems arising from the presence of new family members are not always resolvable. This is especially true when the issue is one of dislike . . . and when teenagers are involved. Fortunately it is not necessary that everyone within a new family likes one another. You are not requiring that your child like their new family members. It often turns out that they do, but you cannot expect or demand it. You can, on the other hand, expect and demand civil behavior. But as with everything, here is where it can get very tricky.
Witness this exchange between Sybil and the fifteen-year-old who recently became her stepdaughter.
“Carlin, is this your popcorn mess?”
“Yeah.”
“Would you please clean it up?”
“I will, later.”
“No, I need you to clean it up now.”
“Who the hell do you think you’re bossing around? You’re not my mother.”
“What?”
“You’re not my mother! You can’t boss me around!”
“What did you just say to me?”
“You heard me!”
Later that evening, Sybil said to Carlin’s father:
“You would not believe what your daughter said to me this afternoon.” She then told him. “I do not deserve that kind of disrespect.”
A little while later. Carlin’s father spoke to his daughter.
“Carlin, Sybil said that you were rude to her today when she asked you to clean up some popcorn.”
“Dad, you believe everything she says! She was the one who was rude to me! She can’t just boss me around! You always side with her! I hate Sybil! Why did you and her have to get married?” And Carlin burst into tears.
A little while after that, Sybil asked Carlin’s father:
“Did you speak to Carlin?”
“Yes.”
“What did you say?”
“You have to understand, she was only four when her mother and I separated. It’s hard for her having another parent in the house besides me.”
“I can’t believe you! You don’t have a clue what a total little brat you’re raising! You let Carlin wrap you around her little finger! I knew this would happen!”
“Shit,” said Carlin’s father under his breath.
“What did you just say?” asked Sybil.
You cannot necessarily change how family members feel about one another, but there definitely are certain rules for everyday situations that can make a big difference in avoiding conflict and unnecessary ill will. First, there are definite considerations to bear in mind:
A new partner living in the home is not the same as a parent. They do not have the same lifetime connection, the same history with your child as does a parent who has been there from the beginning. Nor do they have the same love or the same commitment to a child as does a biological parent—at least in most cases. What this means is that there is much that a teenager will accept—though not necessarily like—from a biological parent that they simply will not accept from a stepparent. Deep in their heart they feel that there is much in the way of discipline that a stepparent does not have a right to impose on them. When they say, “You’re not my parent,” they are saying something that is very real to them. And that must be taken into account.
Another important principle: even though your teen may resent the fact that you brought a new person into her home and that she had no choice in the matter, she does need to treat your partner with the full respect that should be shown to any adult. Also, since your new partner now lives in the same home, your teenager must recognize that your new partner now has full rights in the household as well. Your new partner is not a guest. It is now their home too.
“No! No! It’s not her home! It’s mine! It’s not hers! It’s not! It’s not!”
But it is, and that can be a tough reality for teens to swallow.
Taking the above into account, here are a few pointers that can ease some of the more common tensions between your teenager and a new stepparent.
Rule 1: Even if you don’t agree, always back your partner in daily interactions with your child, just as you would with your child’s original parent. To do otherwise will invariably cause your partner to harbor huge resentment toward you and your child. If you really don’t like what your partner did, talk about it later.
Rule 2: Though your partner does have the right to give your children orders, you and only you are the boss when it comes to general parenting rules such as punishments, curfews, and bedtime, who they may hang around with, and who they may not. This is very important to a teenager. They may not always like your rules, but they have a very strong sense of who they believe has a right to make such rules and who does not. They feel strongly that it is only their “true” parent who has the right to make the rules that shape their lives.
Your partner may strongly disagree with your decisions, and may express that forcefully, and you may come to agree. But the ultimate right to set what are—in effect—policy decisions has to rest with you.
Rule 3: When your child is rude to your partner, always bring it up with your child. The rule has to be made very clear that being disrespectful to their stepparent is never okay. The rule has to require that—regardless of what they think of them—your child must always treat their stepparent with respect.
Rule 4: Regularly acknowledge to your child that you do understand that they may not be happy with the new family member.
“I know that sometimes it can be hard for you living with Sybil in the house.”
“No. Not sometimes, all of the time.”
“I know it can be hard. But I still love you, and I will do all I can to make your life as pleasant as it can be.”
“Good. Then get rid of Sybil.”
Recognizing that they may be unhappy with their new deal, and that they have a right to feel this way—even though nothing may change—means a lot to a teenager.
Here’s a way that the previous sequence might have gone better:
The key lies in maintaining a standing rule that every time Carlin is disrespectful to her stepmother, Carlin’s father must be told about it. And every time that he hears about it, Carlin’s father must go to his daughter and say words to this effect:
“Sybil told me what you said to her this afternoon. I expect you to obey Sybil if she asks you to do something. And you may not talk to her the way you did—ever.”
“But, Dad, Sybil was being such a bitch! You don’t know what she’s like! She—”
“I want you to listen to her and to talk to her in a respectful manner.”
“But, Dad—”
“You heard what I said.”
This is not necessarily going to stop the disrespect, but it will lessen it. It says to Carlin that, although her father may be sympathetic to her feelings about his new partner, he is not supportive of her being disrespectful. If Carlin wants her father to be on her side—and make no mistake, despite all that they may say, kids very much do want their parent to be on their side—she will have to accept the deal as it is offered. The deal is that her father will understand her having negative feelings toward Sybil, but he will not accept the negative words. This is a deal that most teens will grudgingly go along with, once it is stated and reinforced. Their rationale is simple.
I hate Sybil. I’m always going to hate Sybil. But I want to be on good terms with Dad—unless of course he’s acting like a jerk. So maybe—I’m not promising anything—I’ll go along with Sybil some of the time, and I won’t say really mean stuff to her, because she doesn’t really matter anyway. She’s not worth it.
And then later, you can answer your new partner with words that reassure them of your respect for them too.
“What did you say to Carlin?”
“I told her that she needs to obey you and that she cannot talk to you in a disrespectful manner.”
And though Carlin’s father might not punish his daughter—which may very well annoy Sybil—she is more likely to be appeased than not, because Carlin’s father has made it clear that he is on Sybil’s side with regard to Carlin’s back talk. Again, it may not sound like that much, but it does make a big difference in the quality of day-to-day interactions.
A Note for Stepparents
You don’t have to like your new stepteen, but you do have to treat them with respect. And vice versa—while they don’t have to like you, you have a right to be treated respectfully by them.
You have the right to demand that your partner make it clear to their child that disrespect toward you is not okay.
But realize that a child’s behavior is the product of an already established parent-child relationship, and for the most part, this isn’t going to change. You can express your disapproval, but don’t try too hard to alter your partner’s parenting behavior. That only leads to frustration and bad feelings—and usually does nothing to change your stepchild’s behavior either.