There is an undeniable problem with teenagers that all parents must face. Teens want to have fun. And they are fierce protectors of their right to do so.
“Yeah, I want to have fun. What’s wrong with that?”
Most of us can relate to their desire, as we like to have fun too. I guess, nothing. I guess it’s normal to want to have fun. I mean, fun isn’t bad, is it?
But not only do kids want to have fun, they want to have a considerable amount of fun. “Yeah, I want to have a lotta fun. It’s a lot more fun than a little fun.”
And that’s when parents start to worry. I don’t know. I’m starting to get kind of nervous. Maybe we should limit them to a little fun.
Have Scrabble tournaments.
Listen to Beatles music. (They’re okay, right? I mean, kids like the Beatles—even today.)
Watch movies, but just the ones with not too much blood or sex or swearing. I mean, it’s okay if there’s a little blood, a little sex, some swearing, right? They’re not nine-year-olds, for goodness’ sake.
And dancing. Maybe dancing’s good. Except I don’t know if they dance much these days.
If you were to talk openly with teens about fun, you just might discover that they are having lots of fun, and in ways you may not think are “age-appropriate.”
“Mom, I’m going out tonight and I’m going to have a lotta fun.”
“Oh, dear. Must you?”
“Yeah.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to get high—shit-faced—and I’ll have sex with somebody. I don’t know who. It will just depend on what happens. Yeah, it’s going to be a great night!”
“Oh dear! I’m just going to worry the whole night!”
It’s not just a problem with teenagers. It’s a problem with the whole concept of fun. Sex, drugs, and drinking are major ways that a lot of teenagers—and obviously adults as well—have fun.
So here’s a question for you: Is fun that includes sex, drugs, and/or drinking more fun than fun that includes none of the above? A lot of people, teens included, seem to think so. What the adult world says to teens is that these ways of having fun are cool, but you can’t enjoy them until you’re an adult. Which, of course, only emphasizes to kids that these things must be significantly fun.
What teenagers like to do for fun—what is probably their number one preferred activity—is to hang out with good friends, friends with whom they are very comfortable. (In that way, they are no different than we adults.) But often in such circumstances, they want to augment their fun with substances, and if they do anything sexual at all, they usually want it to be heavy sexual activity.
Unfortunately, many of the activities that yield a high degree of enjoyment are risky. And the risks are very real, including serious harm, trouble with the law, humiliation. And, with many of the substances—to varying degrees—there is also the risk of addiction, whereby the substances can take over, and even ruin, a life.
It has to leave a parent wondering, For goodness’ sake, can’t they just have a really good time, hang out, and kid around with good friends without using substances? And if they’re going to engage in sexual activity, can’t they just limit it to less advanced sexual activity?
Apparently not. Teenagers engage in these obviously risky behaviors, in part, because they don’t have as much fear as adults. They believe that the really bad stuff won’t happen to them.
“Yeah, the truth is that I don’t really worry about any of that bad stuff. I just don’t.”
For many teens, there is an added attractiveness to engaging in risky behavior.
“Yeah, if you want to know, the fact that some of the shit I do is dangerous makes it more fun. Risk is cool. Oh, and I forgot to mention, I especially like that adults think it’s bad. That makes it even more fun.”
But there remains one overwhelming reason why teenagers engage in, and continue to engage in, genuinely risky behaviors. And, contrary to popular opinion, it’s not peer pressure. The single most compelling reason is that these behaviors are fun. Often they’re a lotta fun.
If you are the parent of a teenager, you should know that sex, drugs, and drinking are problems that are not going to go away. There is no cure as long as teenagers seek fun in their lives, various substances are still available to them, or they have sexual feelings. These problems will persist forever unless some other activities more pleasurable than sex, drugs, and drinking surface. Trust me, there is no way that these risky forms of fun are going to fade into obscurity anytime in the foreseeable future.
So what do you do? Do you try to stop them from engaging in the riskier forms of fun? Do you do all that is humanly possible to make it impossible for them to engage in these risky activities? Or do you try to educate them as best you can, so that they truly understand the risks of what is out there? Obviously, the answer—in varying degrees—is all of the above. But if you are the parent of a teenager, you need to know that, despite your very best efforts to steer your child away from the kinds of activities that expose them to potential harm—even serious harm—there is the very real chance that they will do these things anyway.
This reality leads us to ask the very natural question: What is a parent’s appropriate role in their teenage child’s sex life? And of course, that question leads to another: How much, if anything, do teenage children want their parents to know about their sex life?
“How do I feel about talking about my sex life to my parents? How do I feel about talking about my sexual feelings, what I actually do, what I maybe—I’m embarrassed to admit—don’t do? How do I feel about sharing that part of my life with them? How much involvement do I want them to have in all of that? Let me think. How about none? I think that’s about right.”
You will recall that earlier I talked about the adolescent mandate whereby the vast majority of teens, as part of normal psychological development, become allergic to their parents. A big part of that allergy has to do with their sexuality. Sex and parents do not mix. Teens do not want to share anything about their sexuality with their parents. And they really don’t want their parents to share anything about their sexuality with them. Every teenager “knows” that their parents had sex the exact number of times that there are children in the family. They also “know” that when their parents had sex they did not enjoy it, and that they were probably drunk at the time. All teenagers “know” that. To them, the thought of parents having sex is downright creepy.
Parents, on the other hand, are not “repelled” in the same way by the thought of their children having sex. But they find it disquieting on a number of levels. Sure, they get that there are very real problems that can come from teenage sexual activity, but the greater challenge for them is just wrapping their heads around the idea of their child’s sexuality. They flat out find the concept of their child being sexually active too difficult to think about. Their son or daughter is no longer their cute little sweetie pie. They are now full-fledged sexual beings. But whether parents are comfortable with this notion or not, the fact is that sex is now a part of their teenager’s life. And parents have to deal with that reality.
Today’s adolescents are exposed to a great quantity of sexual material. Much of it comes from the mainstream media: movies and TV. But another significant contributor to the explosive amount of information available to kids is the Internet, which provides easy access to videos and pictures with often quite graphic sexual content. Also, there is more back-and-forth dialogue about sex among teenagers over the Internet these days—including gossip as well as an exchange of real and valid information. Because they’re not actually communicating face-to-face and have the added distance or anonymity of the written rather than the spoken word, kids will generally talk about sex more freely online than they would if the dialogue was happening in person. For these reasons, kids today are more sophisticated about sex—or at least they talk more about it—than in the past.
So what do they actually do? That’s the question on most parents’ minds.
The Kaiser Family Foundation, which regularly logs adolescent sexual activity, noted in their September 2008 report that 48 percent of all high school students acknowledged having had sexual intercourse. The Kaiser report further stated that this represented a decline from 54 percent in 1991. Could it be that kids are actually doing it less? It’s difficult to say. We know that kids are certainly exposed to sexual material at younger ages via electronic media, as noted above. But it is far less clear that there has been a dramatic shift toward earlier sexual activity as a result of the availability of graphic and educational content online, or if this access to visual material has curbed actual experimentation.
Further complicating our ability to assess the situation is the fact that the data could be skewed by the semantics associated with the subject. There has certainly been much discussion in parenting and educator circles about how many teens today would respond “no” when asked about having sex, if the sexual activities they engaged in were anything other than sexual intercourse. And the media and entertainment worlds have certainly picked up on the whole “friends with benefits” trend. That is the trend where friends can be “couples” without being considered boyfriend and girlfriend. Teens also talk of “hooking up,” a term meaning that they will engage in sexual activity with another teen—not necessarily sexual intercourse—for an evening, with the mutual understanding that this hookup includes no commitment beyond that evening.
One definite piece of good news is that kids are more aware of the risks of unprotected sex these days and they make use of contraception. Of course, many teens still do have unprotected sex, get pregnant, and have significant rates of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).
My main point is that teens have sex. How much, at what age, and with what attitude varies somewhat from year to year. But the bottom line is that they do it. And, as they get older, more of them do it. (Not all of them, though.) And the risks of sexual activity remain. The younger they are when they do it, the more naive they are. However, the key thing for parents to remember is that the more knowledgeable teens are about the risks, the less likely they are to engage in risky sexual behavior.
How can you know if your particular teenager is going to engage in sex? The answer is simple: you can’t. This means that if you have a teenage child, you need to assume that they may engage in some form of sexual activity, which carries inevitable risks. Does this mean that it is a good idea to be at least somewhat involved with the sexual side of your teenager’s life? Yes.
How do most parents of teens feel about this? What do they want for their teen with regard to sex? I hear their thoughts on the subject frequently, and those thoughts are as complex as the situation.
“What do I want my kid to do about sex? That one’s pretty easy. I want my kid to do whatever is normal—whatever that is—but I would just as soon not know about it.
“Actually, what I just said is not exactly true. What I want is that whatever they do—or don’t do—doesn’t create problems for them. No pregnancies. No STDs. I don’t want them to be victimized. I don’t want them to get hurt. I don’t want them to end up in some big emotional mess. I don’t want them to get into trouble.”
I should say right here that, with regard to all aspects of sex covered in the previous paragraphs, parents—and really the rest of the world too—have very different standards for guys and girls. Over the years there may have been changes, with women increasingly claiming the right to their own sexuality. But certainly the deal regarding teens is still more or less the same as it always was: we consider interest in sex by a teenage boy to be healthy. We want him to be careful, but we’re not particularly troubled by the idea that he may be sexually active. The sexual activity of teenage girls, on the other hand, makes us nervous. There is no question that most parents worry significantly more about their daughters’ sexuality than about their sons’.
People justify the difference by saying such things as:
“Well, I wouldn’t want her to get a bad reputation. You can say what you like, but once a girl is sexually active she can get a reputation, and it’s going to stay with her all through high school. And don’t tell me that kids don’t look down on a girl who has had sex with a number of guys.”
It’s true. A girl who has sex a lot is considered a “ho” or a “slut” or a “nympho.”
The female teen may argue against this stereotype with such statements as,
“No, I choose to be sexually active. I like sex. It is my choice.”
While others think—or worse, say—such things as,
“Yeah, right. Which exactly proves my point that she’s a slut.”
On the other hand, a guy who has sex a lot is considered lucky, or a “stud.” Maybe it shouldn’t be this way. Maybe it’s unfair. But this is the way it is. The questions and dichotomies, of course, don’t stop there. Think about it: Do you purposefully teach your child ways or develop attitudes within them that allow them to enjoy a richer and fuller sex life? Isn’t good sex one of the true joys of life? Don’t we want to do all that we can for our teen so that they will experience that joy? Or are most parents ambivalent about that too?
“Do I want my kid to have a healthy, full, vibrant, enjoyable sex life as a teenager? Maybe mildly enjoyable is more like it. Just good enough so that their sex life will be okay in adulthood. No, actually, I just don’t want them to do it. Maybe kissing would be all right.”
The Consequences of Teenage Sex
There are many potential problems that can come with teenagers engaging in sexual activity.
• They can get pregnant or cause a pregnancy.
• They can contract an STD.
• If they are girls, they can get a reputation as a “slut.”
• If they are girls, they can be forced into sexual activity, or they can be subject to abuse in connection with the sex act.
• If they are guys, they may subject a girl to unwanted sex or abuse in connection with sex. (Guys can be subjected to unwanted sex and abuse too, but it is a significantly less frequent problem compared to what happens to girls.)
• Through having had sex, they can find themselves in a relationship that is more than they can handle emotionally. Either they are more emotionally involved, or their sex partner is more involved than they had expected.
• They can get confused by the sexual experience in such a way that it is disturbing to them; for example, they can feel ashamed or embarrassed by the event. Or because of their reaction during the experience, they can feel uncertain about their own sexuality.
Sexuality becomes a significant part of the adolescent’s life. Ready or not, teens at this age become far more sexual beings—and hence are far more likely to engage in sexual activity. And with that sexual activity come far more potential problems. Sexuality is not bad. It is part of being a human. It can be one of the great pleasures of life. Besides, we cannot make sexuality go away. Though some parents might prefer it that way.
The number one reason why teenagers engage in sexual activity is because they are in a situation where it can happen. Where and when do they have sex? In their own home. At the house of a friend. At a party where a room is available. On study dates. In situations where there are no adults around, or at least no adults who are supervising what is going on. When do they do it? Anytime they can. After-school hours are just as likely times as late weekend evenings. The problem, of course, is that in today’s world, most teenagers have a lot of unsupervised time and are often in situations where there are no adults around. Today many teens live in homes where both parents work. And parents of teenagers feel that it is finally possible to leave their kids alone in the house, that at last their children are at an age where it is safe to do so. Many parents have looked forward to this time.
“Yeah, finally Andrea is old enough that I don’t have to adjust my work schedule so I’m home when she gets home from school.”
Of course, it’s good news for Andrea’s boyfriend, Ricky, too.
My only point is that if your aim is to control your teen’s sexual activity, the best weapon is to make it harder for sex to occur. Doing your best to supervise where they are and what they are doing will help. But recognize too that as kids get older, total supervision becomes more difficult and less appropriate. In the reality of today’s world, if a given teen is hell-bent on having sex, it’s probably going to happen. All of which means that if you have a teenager, you had better make some kind of peace with the idea that he or she may well have sex. If you don’t, accept the fact that you may end up being bitterly disappointed when you discover that they have.
Talking to Your Teen about Sex
The other way you can help control your teen’s sexual activity is by talking to them. But talking is not really so much about stopping them from doing it. It’s more about helping them to be able to make conscious decisions for themselves.
You can tell them how you feel:
“I will be really, really disappointed if I find out that you have had sex.”
You can even lay down the law:
“You just better not have sex, mister, or you can forget about having your cell phone for the next three months.”
You can try reasoning with them.
“Serena, can we talk?”
“Sure, Mom.”
“I want to tell you why it is a good idea at this point in your life not to have sex.”
“I’m all ears.”
But whatever words you choose, just remember that as a preventive tool, words are limited. That said, talking to teens about sex—though no strong safeguard against their doing it—can make a big difference in the nature of their sexual activity. To the extent that they have your words in their heads when they are out there in the big world, those words increase the probability that their whole approach to sexual activity will be more thoughtful, and consequently less risky.
Ideally, you already have in place an established, easy, back-and-forth pattern of communication between yourself and your child. Yours is a relationship where they know you will listen, not just lecture. Where they know that, if they are genuinely honest, you will not go berserk.
It is not one where you will say,
“You did WHAT? Omigod, Lucinda—how could you be so stupid?”
It is instead a relationship where they know you will be open and not judgmental.
It is not one where you will resort to name-calling.
“Do you want a reputation as a slut? Is that what this is about?”
Ideally, you already have a pattern of good communication where what you have to say will be heard. But, if not, you should know that regardless of the prior nature of your communications with your teen, your talking to them about this important subject can still make a significant positive difference.
By the time your kids have reached their teen years, hopefully you will have made sure that they know about sex. You do not want to rely on whatever sex education their school may supply. School sex education programs vary greatly. You want to take the responsibility to make sure your child knows about sex before they turn thirteen. You can tell them. But you can also go online or to a bookstore to find material to help guide them. Don’t be dissuaded by their claims.
“Oh, that is so embarrassing. I’m not going to look at any of it. Besides, I’m not two years old. Duh! I already know about that stuff.”
Of course, they don’t—at least not as much as they think they know. Also, their brains can often be excellent repositories of misinformation.
“If you’ve just had sex and you have sex again, you can’t get pregnant because the guy can’t make new sperm that fast.”
Fortunately, there are many books and websites that provide frank and honest information about teens and sexuality. You may want to review these resources first to see if they are in keeping with your own beliefs about teens and sex, but they can be a good source of reliable information. Your teens may profess to have no interest. But if you make these resources easily available, they usually will look. Often.
Beyond basic sex information, there are certain things that may be very useful to share with your teen. As I said earlier, some of you ideally have had wonderful, open, and respectful communication with your child all along. But if the reality is that you are less communicative than that, I’m sure you are wondering what to do now. How do you start these talks? The answer is, you just do.
You don’t have to do it exactly the right way. It may be awkward; it doesn’t matter. The more they talk, the more it is a discussion, the better. But even if it is just you talking, that’s fine. The point is that there are certain ideas that you want them to hear. And you are going to share those ideas. Maybe your kid will run and hide in a closet instead of listening. The trick is to persist. Try again on another day. And on a day after that. If you care enough, eventually you will get to deliver your message.
What follows is some specific advice that you may want to give your teenagers—for them to have in their heads as they go through the world of teen sex. There is advice for girls and different advice for guys.
These ideas can be presented in many different ways. Maybe you don’t want to offer them all at once; maybe you want to dole them out a little at a time. Perhaps start by saying,
“Here’s something to think about. . . . What do you think?”
Or maybe write a “teenage sex thought for the day” on a three-by-five card to be discussed with your child.
Or try the three-minute mobile phone call like Jason’s dad did. Jason’s cell phone rings. . . . His dad says,
“Hello, this is your father. Don’t hang up. I’m going to talk to you for three minutes. Then you can hang up. But listen for three minutes, okay?”
Or text message. Anything. All methods are fine. Just so you do them.
As discussed, parents are of two minds when it comes to teens and sex. They are a lot more comfortable when their teenager is a guy. Traditionally, advice to guys regarding sex has been simple: “Be careful.” Girls, on the other hand, have it very hard today—even in the most enlightened families. Wouldn’t it be nice if the conversation went like so:
“Have a good time, Liana, and remember, if you and Elijah have sex tonight . . .”
“I know, Mom, make sure he wears a condom.”
“That’s my girl!”
But it doesn’t. Usually advice about sex given to teenage daughters, if delivered at all, is easily summarized in one word:
“Don’t.”
What follows is advice to teenage daughters that goes beyond the word “don’t.” It’s about more than whether they should or should not have sex. It is about preparing them to enter, with their eyes wide open, that stage of life where sexual activity becomes a real possibility. It is about allowing teenage girls to be more thoughtful, hence more in control of their own sex life. It is advice intended to help them make better choices for themselves once they enter the world where sex is a reality. This advice enables them to have more control over their sex life and to avoid being victims. Hopefully, they can learn what to expect so that sexual activity is a choice rather than something that happens to them.
Warning: the advice below tends to portray guys in a somewhat cynical manner—as insensitive souls who are less interested in being considerate of a girl’s feelings than in what they can get out of the relationship. This may not be completely fair—and, in fact, guys do mature and do become more considerate with time. But we are talking here about adolescent boys. They are good souls, but the world of sexuality is brand-new to them, and they are also very much creatures of their own culture—which many may learn to outgrow but have not done so quite yet. It is my hope that this advice to young girls is well taken.
• Sex does not seal a relationship. Don’t assume that having sex with a boy makes a relationship any more than it was, other than that the guy now thinks he can have sex with you again.
• Guys often do mean what they say at the time, but don’t assume they will feel that way later—even a little later. Sexuality, and the intimacy that comes with it, can powerfully influence how people feel. But once the physical intimacy ends, so can many of the feelings.
• Don’t assume it will be private. In the age of Facebook, Twitter, and text messaging, what you did last night—or just this afternoon—can rapidly become public knowledge.
• Sexuality can create a flood of feelings that makes it harder for you to stay in control than you can in other situations.
• Drinking—by you, him, or both of you—makes the probability of sex considerably greater, and its meaning considerably less.
• If you are in a situation where sex may happen—alone with no adults around—it is more likely that it will happen.
• If he’s always jealous and controlling, drop him like yesterday’s news.
• If he in any way is physically hurtful—hits you, or grabs you hard—drop him instantly, then tell friends and adults. Do not keep that a secret.
• Prior to a situation where you think you might engage in some form of sexual activity, think about how far you want it to go.
Tell your teenage daughter to please ask questions, any questions. The more they know about the real world of sexual activity, the more their decisions are going to be based on prior knowledge rather than on reactions in the moment.
Also, make sure they know about contraception—if not from you, then from their pediatrician. A misconception that parents often have, to their later regret, is that teaching their kids about contraception condones sexual activity. It does not, but it does protect against unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
I am frequently asked: “Who should give the talk—moms or dads?” I think it’s probably more comfortable for both parents and the child if the talk about specifics is from the parent of the same gender. But the topic, in general, is not so sensitive that dads can’t discuss it with daughters.
Last, use whatever words you want. I offer the above as a guideline, not necessarily as a script.
The point is for a girl’s sexual life to be guided by active, thoughtful decisions, not by impulsive ones or by lack of awareness. But even then, it won’t be 100 percent easy.
“Mom, Steven says he won’t go out with me anymore because now I know too much. He says he prefers those dumb girls.”
“Excellent.”
“But I like Steven. Can’t I go back to being dumb?”
It would be great if all dads could talk to their sons about sex.
“Son?”
“Yeah, Dad?”
“I think it’s time that you and I had a little talk about responsible sexual behavior.”
“Cool.”
But even in today’s world, despite the more widespread and open nature of sex, such conversations rarely happen. Parents think that a sex talk with sons means mainly telling their boys to wear condoms, but they often don’t make the point that responsible sexual behavior also means being considerate and respectful toward others.
Parents typically avoid talking about sex with their sons for a number of reasons. They feel embarrassed. And political correctness notwithstanding, most parents still tacitly give their sons permission to do whatever they want with regard to sexual activity, as long as they don’t make someone pregnant, pick up an STD, or do something with a girl that would get them into trouble.
But talking to teenage boys about sexual conduct is important. They are often unsure of what is good or even acceptable behavior. It’s not the sort of scenario typically discussed among their peers or online. The messages that dominate these sources are as follows:
It’s cool, admirable, a source of pride to rack up sexual conquests.
It’s cool, admirable, a source of pride to do wild and irresponsible stuff.
Caring about girls as people is uncool, not something that you’d want to admit to.
Overall, the message they get from their culture is that sexual activity with girls is something that you do for what you can get out of it, and that the girls’ feelings are not part of the equation.
Below are my suggestions as to what you might say to counter the above. Ideally, these suggestions would come up in the course of regular discussions that you have with your teenager. Even if you are confident that your kid knows all of these things and would not do otherwise, it does not hurt to bring these points up anyway.
When I’m asked, “Should it be mother, father, or both who give the talk?” my reply is that any way is fine. And when I’m asked, “How old should my child be?” I’d say, if he is already in high school, now is a good time. Otherwise, maybe have the conversation at age thirteen. But if he or his friends are into dating prior to thirteen, you would want to talk to him then. Last, use whatever words you want. Once more, I am offering the following as a guideline, not necessarily as something to be said verbatim.
• No means no. It’s an iron-clad rule.
• Physical force is seriously never okay.
• It is not okay to have sex with someone who has a diminished capacity to say no—if they’re drunk, drugged, or suffering any other impairment.
• If a girl puts herself in a situation where she is vulnerable—drinking alone with you, for example—it does not automatically mean yes.
• What you do sexually with a girl is a private matter between the two of you.
• It is never okay to have sex without a condom. It’s dangerous to you and dangerous to your partner.
• It is never okay to make fun of a girl’s body.
The fundamental theme is that no matter what the circumstance, no matter who the girl is, she is someone with valid feelings, and those feelings should always be considered. Sexual behavior should not produce harm.
What does this talk accomplish? If nothing else, it puts these ideas in their heads. They may or may not agree. But now—should they get into situations where these words do apply—there is a very real possibility that your words will enter their minds and quite possibly affect their choices.
“Hey, Jimmy,” says Rhonda from the couch, acting like she’s definitely had a lot to drink. Jimmy thinks—let’s say correctly—that she’s coming on to him. He is immediately excited by the possibility that he could end up having sex with her, especially since she seems pretty drunk.
But the following words pop into his head:
It is not okay to have sex with somebody who has a diminished capacity to say no—(like if they’re drunk).
Shit, he thinks. She is pretty drunk. I don’t know, maybe she would want to do it even if she weren’t drunk. I think she’s always liked me.
Maybe he will end up having sex with her anyway. Maybe he won’t. But at least he had the moral debate. His parent’s words entered into his decision-making process. His parent’s words did exert real influence on him. Saying nothing exerts no influence on him whatsoever.
He may not agree. He may say to himself, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like I’m going to seriously consider anything he’s saying.
But you are taking a stand. You are saying that certain behaviors are not right—that they are bad. You are presenting yourself as a moral authority. You are leaning on whatever moral standing you have built up with your son over the years as his parent. In a clear message, you have described behaviors that you think are bad.
Will your talk have any effect on a teenage boy in the face of such strong countermessages from his culture? Perhaps it will. Perhaps not. But what the above can do is expose him to another view. Just by having the conversation.
“Thanks, Dad. Now I know the right thing to do, and I realize my friends are idiots and the stuff I see online is messed up.”
Maybe not. But he hears every word you say.
I just described a prospective talk with teenage sons that addresses responsible sexual behavior. What follows is another talk. The first talk was about being considerate—always—of the wants and feelings of a potential sex partner. This next talk is different and should be presented separately, at another time from the above, so that it stands apart. It is specifically about abuse.
Many teenage boys are abusive to their girlfriends. Most boys are not, but many are. And most who are abusive do not even recognize that they are.
How can you know whether your teenage son is potentially or actively abusive with women? You can’t. Hence, it is a good idea for parents to talk outright with their teenage boys about what constitutes abuse: which behaviors are abusive, and how these behaviors, if engaged in, are all seriously harmful. Many are against the law and many can get them into dire trouble.
“Abuse” is a word that has taken on a very specific and very strongly negative meaning. In today’s parlance there are bad behaviors, and then there is abuse. It is a category—a very bad category—unto itself. The point of the talk is to spell out what abusive behaviors are. Many of the behaviors that I will list seem obviously to be abuse, but many boys still think they are okay. Most boys who abuse their girlfriends either do not think that what they are doing is abuse, or they think that it is somehow okay, even deserved.
Again, I present my proposed talk not necessarily as a script but as a guideline:
• Many boys abuse their girlfriends. I’m not saying that I think you will or that you do. But many boys abuse girls, and I want you to know clearly what behaviors constitute abuse. Here are some rules. All the behaviors that I’m going to list are abuse, and you must never do them under any circumstances. It’s a pretty big list, but they are all bad, and you must never do them.
• Never hit a girl—ever.
• You can’t grab a girl hard—ever.
• If a girl gets physical with you—either hitting or kicking or threatening you with physical harm—leave. Leave right away. Hitting a girl in self-defense is not okay. Leave.
• If you are in an argument and are mad and you get very close to a girl, you must back away. An angry guy standing close is often genuinely scary to a girl, even though you may know that you will do nothing physical.
• If you find yourself getting very mad at a girl, leave.
• Do not get into an argument if you have been drinking. If you have been drinking and an argument starts, leave. These are potentially very dangerous circumstances, as they are often where the most serious abuse occurs.
The talk continues.
Some behaviors are controlling and abusive. Beyond physical harm, a way that guys abuse their girlfriends is that they can get very possessive and controlling. They do this because they want to be the boss. They do not know how to be in a relationship that allows the other person to be independent. These controlling behaviors are bad. They are never okay. The ways that guys do this are all bad and are listed as follows:
• They constantly want to know where their girlfriend is. Usually they do this by calling or texting many, many times during the day or night.
• They don’t want their girlfriend to hang out with friends on her own.
• They especially do not want their girlfriend to talk to other guys, even if it is just friendly.
• They give them orders as to what they should wear.
• Never say verbal put-downs to a girl. For example, never call her “fat” or “stupid.” Guys often think that the put-downs are a joke and that they don’t mean anything by them. But all put-downs are abusive.
• If you think or know that she is cheating on you, your two choices include staying in the relationship and trying to get her to agree to stop cheating, or ending the relationship. You cannot retaliate or threaten her if she does not stop. This is also where people get hurt. This is never okay.
• If you are doing any of these behaviors because she is being aggravating and nasty (being a “bitch”)—and she is being truly aggravating and nasty—that does not make these behaviors allowable. No matter what they do to you, women never deserve to be abused. What you can always do instead is leave, or end the relationship. These abusive behaviors are just as forbidden whether or not she is being abusive toward you. You still must not do them.
The above is a long talk, but what would you want to leave out? It may not be relevant for many teenagers. Many may never engage in any of the behaviors just described. Also, many teenage boys may hear the words but swiftly dismiss them. However, there are many teenage boys who really do not know which behaviors are acceptable and which ones are completely unacceptable. Nor do they connect these behaviors with the word “abuse,” even though they should. It is good that they get to hear all of this.
In adolescence, many kids don’t just get sexual feelings; they feel love. There are two major developmental changes that, probably more than anything else, make up adolescence. One is the advent of strong and very present sexual feelings. The other is the turning away from the parent as the main source of deepest attachment, and directing of these strong feelings of attachment toward others in the world around them, separate from home and family. Put these two together and you get love. And these feelings are not to be trifled with. They can be very real and very intense. Never make the mistake of downplaying the objects of your child’s affection.
Thirteen-year-old Jeannine couldn’t wait to tell her friend Amy the big news.
“Omigod, Cameron looked at me in science class. Should I put the mystery valentine on his desk like we talked about?”
“I don’t know, Jeannine. Are you sure he looked at you, and it wasn’t Tessa he was looking at?”
“I don’t know! What should I do?”
Ryan’s mom was talking to her friend about her seventeen-year-old son.
“He showed me this necklace he bought to give to Elena for her birthday, and it was, like, four hundred dollars. I mean, that’s a couple of months’ worth of what he earns at his part-time job. I think he’s way too serious about her.”
“Well, they have been going out for almost a year.”
“Thirteen months, seventeen days, actually. That’s what he said this morning.”
Teenage love is very real. It can range from the seemingly mindless crush of a thirteen-year-old girl on a boy in her science class to the far more mature love relationship of a high school senior with his longtime girlfriend.
Teen love is disconcerting to parents because it often appears to be so strong and all-consuming. Jeannine writes “Cameron” on her sneakers and all over her notebook. Ryan and Elena text each other nonstop throughout the day, and they’re treated like a married couple by their friends. It’s an outside force that seems to sweep away a lot of their rationality—and your influence on them.
As I have said before, their once-strong childhood attachment to you is now refocused on a new, sometimes intense, attachment to someone else, but with the power of sexual feelings added in. It’s a good process—an important part of maturing. Your teen is learning to care deeply about someone other than themselves. It is the foundation of what, hopefully, will lead to mature love relationships in their adult life. Over the course of their adolescence you can actually see the maturing nature of the love relationships that they form. First, the early teenage crush that, with some, can shift in the course of a day. Later, the far more mature love relationships of late adolescence that not uncommonly end in marriage.
So what’s your role in all of this?
Love, by its nature, is an obsession.
“I think about Cameron all the time.”
“I think about Elena all the time.”
The above is normal. But if you see the other parts of your child’s life being adversely affected—their grades dropping, their contact with former friends dwindling, or their disposition changing to the point of being frequently unhappy or on edge—it may be time for you to intervene. A love relationship is supposed to be a mostly positive experience, not something that makes someone’s life miserable. You may not necessarily be able to end your teen’s relationship, but you can try to limit the amount of time during their waking day that they spend directly involved with their teen love.
Your best role is also as a supportive sounding board.
The big mistake I see many parents make is trying to downplay the seriousness of their child’s relationship. When they do this they inadvertently demean their kid. And that will immediately turn their teen off.
Here are a few phrases that are simply not useful. You’d be wise to avoid them altogether:
“You’ll get over it.”
“You’ll see, honey, it’s not such a big deal. It only feels like it.”
“This happens to everybody. It’s just a stage.”
Such comments are invariably met with the cry: “You don’t understand.”
And maybe you don’t, because to them their feelings are very real.
If you say, “Ryan, four hundred dollars is a lot to spend on a present,” I can assure you that he will be affronted.
“You don’t understand. I want to get it for Elena. It makes me happy giving it to her.”
The problem is that you can’t really influence the direction of your child’s relationships. Mainly, you just need to validate their feelings and let them know that you are a sympathetic listener.
“You really like Cameron.”
“Yeah, I really do.”
“You’re very serious about Elena.”
“I know you think I’m too young to be this serious. But I really love Elena.”
If there are breakups, you want to be there to commiserate, to give them support and comfort. But they will also have to ride it out, and for a high school senior in love, that can be a very painful and very slow process.
For infatuated thirteen-year-olds, recovery can be a little swifter.
“Mom, Mom, there’s this really cute new kid in my English class. I think his name is Jerome.”
“What about all those ‘Camerons’ written on your sneakers?”
“Oh, I can white them out.”
Sometimes teen loves can seem very childish. But they are a newly emergent, very adult, and important part of your teen’s life. It is crucial to remember that.
If You Think Your Child Is Gay
Parents frequently ask, “What if I think my son is gay? How can I know? How can I find out?” My answer to all of these questions is, “You can’t.” Not all gay men fit into the stereotypes culture has of them. If you suspect that your son is gay, maybe he is, but maybe he isn’t.
Under those circumstances, many of you will want to just ask your child. The challenge with inquiring, however, is that there is a potential downside to the question—no matter how you phrase it.
“I want you to know that I think you’re great, and I’m happy with who you are. But there’s something that I just want to ask. Remember, I’m going to love you and accept you no matter what. Are you gay?”
He may be gay, and he may be pleased for the chance to tell you. But you also might get:
“Omigod, you think I’m gay. Omigod.”
The above response, by the way, is one he could say if he’s not gay; and it is also one he could say if he is but is at a point in his life where he doesn’t wish to disclose that to you. That is, your question might create more of a problem than it would generate goodwill. Many gay teens, for all kinds of reasons, choose not to disclose their sexual orientation. Perhaps he isn’t ready to deal with your reaction. Perhaps—as a very normal adolescent boy—he’d rather keep all details about his sexuality private from you. I think the greater wisdom is to let your child be in charge of whether or not he chooses to come out to you, and when.
What do I suggest you do in the interim? First of all, if your child is gay, know that you can’t change them. That is not the way it works. Nor is it a choice on his part, and thus something he could unmake. The world today for gay men is a more welcoming place than it was a couple of generations ago. Nevertheless, it is still a very difficult place for a gay teenage boy. Believe it or not, “gay” and “retard” are still the most used pejoratives in the world of kids. So what exactly can you do to help? Hopefully, what you have been doing all along—displaying an attitude of acceptance, demonstrating an understanding that being gay is a sexual orientation different from heterosexuality, but in no way shameful. If your child is gay, what makes the most difference to him, and ultimately to your future relationship with him, is what you have been doing and saying all of his life: your positive (or negative) thoughts and actions about being gay.
Have there been gay people in your life—friends or relatives—with whom you have seemed comfortable? Or have your past actions and words implied or outright stated that you think being gay is somehow bad? That being gay is distinctly less than not being gay? That it is something you frown upon or want to keep at a distance?
Bear in mind that the expression of such sentiments could have been subtle.
“Look at those guy cheerleaders. You know about them.”
“Do you really want to buy the pink sweater?”
Or have you made clear that being gay is just another way that people are—not better or worse? This, more than anything, will send a message to your child that he will be loved no matter what his orientation.
“I think Mom would be okay with it. But Dad always puts down being gay. I’m pretty sure it would be a real problem for our relationship.”
Of course, if you have not been so tolerant about being gay and now strongly suspect that your son is, you need to rethink your prior thoughts and feelings.
I have written here about gay boys, but most of what I have conveyed applies to girls as well. For whatever reason, however, parents of teenagers seem to worry less about their daughters’ sexual orientation than they do about their sons’. Is this because there may be less of a stigma toward lesbians than there is toward gay men? Possibly. But it also indicates that parents tend to worry more about other aspects of their daughters’ sexuality. Is their daughter actually having sex? Or worse, is she promiscuous? They even seem to worry more about the fact that she wears black, has odd-colored hair, and too many tattoos and piercings. The bottom line is: you need to be accepting of who your child is from the start, and just as accepting of others too—because you can’t be completely certain who your child is until they more fully reveal themselves to you.
There is one last thing that you should do—whether you think that your child is gay or not—and that is to make sure that once he or she hits adolescence, they understand about the use of condoms. That is, if they have sexual relations, they know that using a condom is a powerful preventive, not just against pregnancy but also against STDs and specifically against becoming HIV positive—the precursor to AIDS—which is still very much of a problem with gay men, especially with younger gay men.
So the most direct answer to the question of what you should do if you think your child might be gay is: do not try to find out whether they are or they aren’t; make sure that your attitude toward being gay is accepting and welcoming; and most of all, make it known to your teen through your actions with others as well as with them that if they were gay, they, their sexual orientation, and their lifestyle would be accepted by you.