“I know how to do it,” Mutt said.
“Me too!” Stripes, Karen, and Poo-Poo all said at exactly the same time.
Stick Dog leaned back against the picket fence to get more comfortable. He had the distinct feeling this might take some time. He said, “Okay, Mutt, you first. Let’s hear your plan for snatching some candy.”
But Mutt didn’t answer. Instead, he crossed his eyes and pulled his mouth to one side. Then he made kind of a deep gurgling sound from the back of his throat.
“Are you okay?” Stick Dog asked.
Mutt nodded and kept contorting his facial features in strange ways.
“You sure you’re not choking?” Stripes asked.
Mutt nodded again. He lifted his shoulders higher, stuck his head forward, and squinted his eyes. Again, he made that odd, deep gurgling sound.
“Are you going to barf or something?” asked Karen.
Mutt shook his head but continued to make the face—and make the sound.
He tilted his head, lifted the left side of his lip to expose some teeth, and leaned down as if he was about to charge the four others.
“Is this a guessing game?” asked Poo-Poo.
Mutt shook his head.
Finally, Stick Dog said, “Stop whatever it is you’re doing, Mutt. Just for a minute. What are you trying to show us?”
Mutt relaxed his face and body. “I’m demonstrating my plan,” he began to explain. “See, I’m going to look real mean and growl and—”
“That was a growl?!” Poo-Poo interrupted and snickered. “Dude. You have got to work on your growl. That’s the funniest growl I’ve ever heard.”
Mutt chose to ignore the comment and continued to explain his plan. “I’m going to look real mean and growl at those little humans or at the people at the door. When they see—”
But Poo-Poo couldn’t help himself and interrupted again. “I mean, that so-called ‘growl’ of yours, Mutt. Jeez. No offense, but not too scary—you know what I mean? I thought you were going to sneeze or something. Or maybe you ate a bad bug or something. But growling? I wouldn’t have guessed that was growling in a million years.”
Mutt closed his eyes and said, “That’s the way I growl, okay?”
Poo-Poo nodded. “Sure, it’s okay. To each his own. No problem. I’m just saying if that’s the growl you’re going to use, you might want to come up with a different plan.”
Mutt opened his eyes and turned to Stick Dog—and Stick Dog only. “I look real mean and growl, see? Then the little humans in the costumes drop their candy and run away. When they do, we grab it and go back to your pipe for a sweet and tasty feast.”
Stick Dog nodded his head in understanding. “I see. Yes, yes. There’s quite a lot of merit in your strategy.”
Mutt glanced over at Poo-Poo, who shook his head, giggled, and whispered to himself. “I mean, it was more like a kitten purring or something.”
Stick Dog said, “I like it. I really do. It’s just hard for me to picture you looking mean, Mutt. And, if you think about it, that’s really a good thing. Someone like you just can’t fake being mean. You’re just too handsome. You’re too fluffy. You’re too adorable.”
“You’re fluffy and adorable,” repeated Karen, in an attempt to help. “You’re flufforable.”
“Karen’s right,” Stick Dog said, and smiled. “You’re flufforable.”
Mutt considered this for a moment. “So, what you’re saying is that I’m too good-looking to be able to pull off this plan?”
Stick Dog nodded.
“Hmm,” Mutt said, and then thought about it for just a second or two more. “I can live with that.”
Stick Dog turned to Poo-Poo then. “What do you have for us?”
“We’re going to need a bag,” Poo-Poo began. “It needs to be big enough for all of us to fit into.”
“A garbage bag might work,” said Karen. “Those are pretty big.”
Poo-Poo nodded. “Good suggestion.”
“I don’t know,” said Stick Dog. “I don’t think a garbage bag is strong enough to hold all five of us. Those things tear pretty easily. Heck, we tear into them all the time looking for food. They’re just not that strong.”
“Don’t worry about it. In my plan, the bag only needs to hold four of us anyway,” Poo-Poo said, dismissing this potential obstacle. He inhaled and began pacing. Then he stopped suddenly as if the rest of his plan had instantly crystallized in his mind. “We’re all going to climb into the bag—except for you, Stick Dog. So Stripes, Mutt, Karen, and I all climb into the bag. Then you carry us all around the neighborhood.”
Stick Dog didn’t mention he thought it would be impossible to carry them all by himself in a bag that they would probably never be able to find. Instead, he asked, “What then?”
In rapid succession, Poo-Poo provided the other steps of his plan. “We stop at each house just like the little humans are doing. You ring the bell. The large humans open the door and see you there with a big bag like everybody else. Now, they’re going to be waiting for you to say ‘trick or treat,’ right?”
“Right,” Stick Dog answered slowly.
“But you don’t speak human language, right?”
“Right,” Stick Dog answered even more slowly.
“So that’s when you start coughing a lot,” Poo-Poo explained. “That way they won’t notice that you can’t speak human language. You’ll also want to shake your head violently while you’re coughing. That way they won’t see your face very well. While you’re having a coughing attack, they’ll see your bag and start dropping candy into it.”
“Hey, Poo-Poo,” Karen interrupted.
“Yes?”
“I just wanted to say that I love your plan so far.”
“Thanks. I assumed you would love it because great plans like this are always accepted and adored by those who hear them,” Poo-Poo said, and returned to the task at hand. “The real genius part of the plan occurs while Stick Dog is coughing up a storm and the big humans are dropping candy into the bag.”
Stick Dog tilted his head and asked, “You mean there’s even more to the plan than me carrying the four of you around the neighborhood in a garbage bag, ringing all the doorbells, the big humans not recognizing that I’m a dog, coughing my head off, and the candy being dropped into the bag?”
“The best is yet to come,” Poo-Poo said.
“I can believe that,” Stick Dog whispered so quietly that nobody else could hear him.
“The four of us are in the bag when they drop the candy in,” Poo-Poo continued with the final details of his strategy. “When they drop it in, we have our mouths open. So they will—Ta-da!—just drop food directly into our mouths. And the food will disappear as we eat it and eat it. They’ll glance down in the bag, see that the food is disappearing, and then just pour more and more in. I’d say in a few houses, our stomachs will be bursting!”
Mutt, Karen, and Stripes all nodded enthusiastically as Poo-Poo wrapped up his explanation.
“What about Stick Dog?” Mutt asked.
“Oh, we’ll save some stuff in the bottom of the bag for him,” Poo-Poo added.
“Thanks, I appreciate that,” Stick Dog said. He paused briefly and tried to think of something to say. He knew the plan would never work for a wide variety of reasons. But he didn’t want to say that. Instead, he said, “I’m a bit concerned about how your plan will affect the little humans.”
“How so?” asked Poo-Poo.
“Well, they seem really happy and excited to be out here tonight in their costumes and everything,” explained Stick Dog. “But if the big humans keep dumping more and more candy into our bag, there won’t be any left for the little humans. It doesn’t seem right is all.”
“You don’t think we should get as much food as we can, Stick Dog?” Stripes asked, confused. “That doesn’t sound like you.”
“No, I would never say that,” Stick Dog answered. “But Poo-Poo’s excellent plan would empty several houses of all the food they’re passing out. What with you guys constantly eating and the big humans dropping more and more into the bag. And it just seems like it’s not very nice considering these little humans are out here having such a good time.”
Stick Dog turned to Poo-Poo to see if this was working.
“I think I hear what you’re saying,” Poo-Poo finally said after a moment of thoughtful consideration. “You’re saying that my plan is SO perfect that it won’t leave anything left for these little humans at all.”
“Exactly,” Stick Dog encouraged quickly.
“I’m sorry about that, Stick Dog,” Poo-Poo said. “But I’m unable to come up with a bad plan, or an average plan, or even a really good plan. My plans are either excellent or nothing.”
Stick Dog squeezed his lips together. “I know, Poo-Poo. I know. I’m sorry we can’t use it.”
“I have a strategy,” Karen interrupted. “And I promise it’s not too excellent.”