“Literature is all, or mostly, about sex.”
—ANTHONY BURGESS
There’s never been a sex scene I haven’t liked.
To write, that is. I’ve read some terrible sex scenes, but damn I’m good at writing them. I knew this at a very young age, too. Maybe it was the years of reading romance, or figuring out the types of characters I liked and letting the sex scenes naturally happen. I never shied at words, giggled, or felt embarrassed. I was proud when I nailed one (pun intended). I’d give my mother my pages, and the poor woman would try to skip over scenes too uncomfortably hot for her.
She’d ask me very nicely if I could write less sex in my books, and maybe have them not curse as much. I took it under consideration, then told her no.
She’s never asked me again, but she still skips the sex scenes.
Now, sex means different things to different people. Sex can encompass foreplay. Foreplay can encompass a make-out session, heavy touching with clothes on, heavy touching with clothes off, and even reaching orgasm without penetration. I know many will disagree with me and retain their own opinion, and that is fine. I’m not here to talk technical issues, but I do want to talk about what sex encompasses in a romance novel and how extremely important it is.
That said, I hope I haven’t lost all the inspirational or sweet romance writers out there: Please hear me out.
Sex, to me, is a deep, meaningful connection between two people on a physical plane. However, sex also occurs in the mind—this may be more accurate for females than males. I’ve read that the brain is the largest sexual organ. I agree. So, let’s say, for purposes of this chapter, sex is both mental and physical.
You need sex to connect your hero and heroine in a romance. I don’t care if it’s open- or closed-door sex scenes, or no sex scenes. There must be some type of touch or kiss, otherwise you’re not writing a romance novel.
Let’s go over some of the genre categories and how sex scenes should be handled.
The first book I ever read from Jayne Ann Krentz was actually under her pen name, Stephanie James, for Silhouette romance. I remember the hero and heroine never had sex, and a kiss was the furthest they ever went in the book.
Hell, I didn’t miss the sex. The kissing was that good.
That’s because Krentz is a master at the art of sexual tension—the buildup of banter and character play that sizzles on the page. When the characters finally touched, it felt like an explosion, though it was limited to one very hot kiss.
Any type of physical contact can feel like sex, if it’s written correctly, exploiting all the hero and heroine’s chemistry. That’s one of the main reasons readers love romance. The relationship is primary at all times—whether it’s paranormal, historical, or mainstream women’s fiction. And this romantic relationship must have some type of sexual connection or the reader will lose interest.
Let’s take Jojo Moyes’s popular Me Before You. It’s a brilliant story. But there’s no sex. The most we get is an amazing scene with Will and Louisa at a party, and their perfect, soul-stirring kiss that makes the entire book worth ... everything. The relationship is carefully constructed, lengthening the sexual tension and emotion, until the kiss lets loose a torrent of sighs and tears.
Yeah, baby. Now, that’s good sex.
Kristan Higgins writes powerful, emotional romance with closed-door sex scenes. Check out this tantalizing peek from Anything for You:
“You’re so beautiful,” he said, and then he sat on the bed and tugged her down with him. He held her hands over her head, and kissed her for a long, long time, tasting her, learning her mouth. Then he let her hands go, smiling as they buried into his hair. Bit by bit, he undressed the rest of her, taking his time, tracing every bit of skin he saw, tasting it.
“You’re killing me here,” she whispered, her breath ragged, and he lifted his head and smiled, and after a second, she smiled back. It wrapped around his heart, that smile, hot and tugging. “Hurry up, Connor O’Rourke.”
This was one of those moments of honest-to-God perfection, and he wasn’t going to rush through it. No.
He took his time instead.
There was no complaints.
Connection is the glue in all sex scenes, no matter what type.
I love all types of romance, but I tend to write an open-door sex scene. Now, I’ve read books where the hero and heroine jump into bed, and the actual scene is pretty well constructed. It’s well written, and technically accurate. The physical portion is fine. But my heart? My libido?
Nope. I’m feeling ... nothing.
Why?
It lacked connection, emotion—something that bound me to the characters and transcended me into the physical aspect of their relationship. Sex always needs to be wrapped in some type of emotion for romance readers. I don’t care if it’s a one-night stand or a temporary hookup. I still want emotion or the scene will leave me flat.
In Searching for Beautiful, the sex scenes are more erotic, but I make sure to use emotion and connection to set the scene. In this example, my hero, Wolfe, and my heroine, Gen, are best friends fighting an attraction. Gen has been rejected on a date and is feeling vulnerable. Wolfe busts in to check on her, and all that simmering tension finally explodes.
“Look at me.”
The rough growl was full of danger, command, heat. She was helpless to disobey, leaving the safety of the window to turn and face him full-on. He reached out and tipped her chin up.
Blistering, raw lust shot from his eyes. As if they were glowing from under the sea in the Caribbean, she tumbled into the depths of a gaze that promised everything with a Warning: Danger label attached. His grip tightened, refusing to allow her to retreat, and he crowded her space by taking another step between her thighs. The sill dug into her lower back. His scent drowned out everything but the need to touch him, feast, taste—the delicious mix of lemon and soap and cotton surrounding her.
“I need you to listen closely, because I’m only going to say it once. Understood?”
Her lips parted. This was no friend. This was a deadly man with an agenda. Transfixed, she nodded, unable to form words, mere prey beneath the command of a dangerous predator.
“I’m done with excuses and conversation and politeness. I’m over this bullshit of your questioning the power you have to grip me in a vise so tight I can’t even breathe without wanting you with my last breath. I’m tired of walking around with a dick that won’t go down when I catch your scent, or look at your sweet curves, or imagine being buried deep within you. Are you still listening to me, Gen?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Because tonight I’m going to fuck you. All night. If I was a true friend, I’d walk out that door and give you the space to rebuild your walls. You deserve that. But I’m a selfish prick who needs you in my bed so bad I’ll trade my soul to the devil for one taste of you. Still listening?”
“Y-y-yes.”
“I’ll give you three seconds to run. It’s the smart thing to do. Just walk away from me and we’ll never mention this again. We’ll go back to being friends, push this whole episode aside, and go on pretending. But if you’re still standing here after that, you’re mine. Every part of you. And I promise you’ll never question your ability to cast a sexual spell on a man so deep and encompassing he’ll spend the rest of his life comparing you to every other woman he touches.”
Erotic romances are structured so each sex scene is critical to the story. If you deleted the sex scenes, the story would not hold up. That’s the contract you have with your reader when it’s branded as an erotic romance. Never leave a woman unsatisfied, because this genre is heavily focused on the power of a woman’s pleasure.
Erotic romances many times include hardcore, porn-like, dirty sex. Some fabulous erotic writers have this mastered to a fine art, unafraid and unapologetic in using crude language to strip down sex to an animal-type hunger. For example, dirty-talking heroes are one of my favorite weaknesses. There’s just something so intense about a man who tells you every wicked, dirty thing he wants to do. In detail.
BDSM is an acronym for Bondage, Dominance, Sadomasochism. BDSM was famously introduced to the world in Fifty Shades of Grey, though erotic writers have been penning BDSM romances for years. The sex scenes with BDSM can be milder, as a way to introduce the reader, or they can dive into full depth for a more intense experience.
What many readers find so addicting with BDSM romance is the intensity of the experiences, and the mind games played between the submissive and the dominant. That power play is critical in commanding readers’ attention, even after the actual sex scene is over.
The foundation of BDSM is full consent, where the submissive truly holds the power. There is usually a contract in play about the terms beforehand. Another intriguing element for readers is the level of communication between the hero and heroine. Sexual play is detailed and discussed ahead of time, which gives readers a comfortable level of tension without fear that the hero or heroine will go too far.
Some popular, bestselling BDSM authors with large followings include Cherise Sinclair, Lexi Blake, Stacey Kennedy, Joey W. Hill, Sierra Cartwright, Shayla Black, C.D. Reiss, and Maya Banks.
Dark romance is another popular form in which all rules are broken. Dark romances put heroines in fearful situations, and use sex as a connection to the fear. Many contain elements of nonsexual sex, kidnapping the heroine, criminal heroes, and various erotic punishments. These authors deliberately include darker aspects within the story for a specific reason, and readers are usually warned on all outlets what the story contains. Readers who enjoy a dark romance cite the excitement of not knowing what’s going to happen, with no safe rules applied. The erotic elements are usually much edgier in dark romance.
Once again, in both BDSM and dark romance, emotion and connection between the hero and heroine is key in creating a successful story.
Sex is a primary part of a romantic relationship. Touch is critical to a hero and heroine, and we should be comfortable with all aspects—from the brush of a fingertip to the passionate kiss to the slam against the wall, take-me-now intensity of sex.
But the sexual tension leading up to the act is just as important—maybe even more so. The buildup toward a physical scene should be dragged out with delicious precision and give the reader enough to tease, but not yet satisfy. My favorite way of doing this is through banter, which is usually disguised as fighting, but it’s so much deeper than that. Banter is the edge of dislike, frustration, or the attempt to deny what the character really, really wants. Tell me I can’t have something and I want it bad. Heroes love that type of challenge. Women like to fight attraction if it doesn’t work out well in their head. They are stuck with more analysis, which can be interweaved within the sexual attraction. Using these aspects is a writer’s greatest weapon in writing sex.
Remember the old series Moonlighting? Viewers watched each week to see if Maddie and David would finally hook up. While they dragged this on—tortuously—every week, the show delivered satisfaction through banter and connection between characters. Their verbal foreplay was legendary. Other examples of this are the now defunct shows Castle and Bones. Half the fun was tuning in regularly to see when the characters would finally stop fighting and just kiss.
Here’s an example of ramping up sexual tension with verbal banter in Searching for Always:
And just like that, the annoyance was back. “I don’t need this type of complication in my life right now,” she snapped. “You’re a client. We can’t blur the lines.”
Those lush lips that had bestowed such pleasure now treated her to his famous sneer. “Don’t give me that crap. As I just said, I’m not your client, and you’re not my real therapist. You counsel me to control my temper, which is getting frayed right now by your sad excuses.”
She bristled in fury. “Excuses? I don’t need an excuse! We kissed, it was good, I’m over it. Let’s move on. The last thing I need is a pushy cop wrecking my life.”
He got in her face. “Lady, you wrote the book on pushy. A relationship with you would be a nightmare. But you can’t deny we’d steam up the sheets together.”
She gave up poetry for this? He was rude, crude, and owned no soft edges. First he kissed her, then he yelled. Even if she wanted a transitional lover, he was all wrong. Arilyn refused to back down, even if she had to tilt her head back to eyeball him. “Classy. You can go ahead and steam them up with someone else.”
He shook his head as if disgusted by the thought. “Can’t. Chemistry this good is rare. It may piss me off, but we have to explore it.”
She gasped. “In your dreams! It was a complete fluke. I’m not exploring anything with you!”
He studied her with hard eyes, and the man did something so outrageous she didn’t see it coming.
He kissed her again. Just manhandled her, pulling her in and planting his lips over hers for a long, deep, thorough kiss that curled her toes and revved her body right up to Ferrari status.
Sexual tension can be used in an entire book, half the book, or even just to heighten a single scene. But if our brain is the biggest sexual organ, we writers must include the tension within our sex scenes.
Writing sex is about steeping ourselves in the glories of being stripped down to our animal-like tendencies. It’s carnal and raw. It’s powerful. Sex is an act of supreme faith, removing clothes and standing vulnerable before another human being, asking to be loved. Asking to be wanted. Asking for acceptance.
If you are trying to write a sex scene by moving body parts around on the page, you will fail. You must strip your characters down to their essence, reveal their vulnerabilities, and take the leap with them. You must remember the first time you bared yourself to another person. You must steep yourself in the scents and sounds of lovemaking: from the tangle of damp sheets, to the sheen of sweat on the skin, to the musky, tangy scent of arousal hanging heavy in the air. Sex is messy, and it rips our civility and barriers away. Let your reader be immersed in the experience, because this is the place where raw, naked emotion occurs, and she should not miss the best parts.
As I said, I love all sex. I read voraciously in every type of genre and appreciate each one for what it is. This also helps me bring some freshness to my own writing.
My advice? If you tend toward sweeter romance, try reading a romance with a graphic sex scene. It’s good to see how the author handles the interaction, both physical and mental. If you tend toward erotic type scenes, pick up a sweeter story and examine the way the characters experience sex in a more innocent manner. Analyze the tension and the buildup, and judge whether the kiss brings satisfaction to the reader.
Writers are commonly advised to read in other genres, and I firmly believe they should read other categories in romance, especially for the sex scenes.
With the explosion of Fifty Shades of Grey, women readers flocked to romance books afterward because they connected with the relationship, the romance, and the sex. It was such a wonderful boon for romance authors everywhere, because readers tried different types of books, and romance authors were given the opportunity to build their readership. Countless readers have told me they rediscovered their love of reading since Fifty Shades of Grey, and, to me, that is the best thing a reader can ever say.
That Fifty Shades of Grey explosion reminds us not to judge anything until we try it. And we should urge ourselves to step out of the cocoon of books we prefer and try those outside of our comfort zone.
Be careful what you promise your reader, because one big mistake can break a reader’s trust. If your cover and blurb screams sweet romance, she will not be amused to find dirty words and graphic sex scenes included. Same with the promise of an erotic romance—readers won’t be happy with only one mild sex scene.
Your cover, title, blurb, and category make a promise. Remember to keep it. Label your book erotic, sexy, or sweet, if possible, just so you can help your readers find what they are looking for.
Sex scenes need to be included to further the story, not just because you don’t know what else to do with the characters at that point. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stuck and tried to throw my characters in bed together. Fortunately, my muse is a bitch and my characters so stubborn, they fight me when I try to make them do stuff they’re not ready for.
Sex scenes in all forms, whether sweet, sexy, or erotic, are a crucial part of the romance genre. By infusing emotion and connection into each intimate scene, your reader will be left with a big smile on her face.
A hero and heroine are locked in a room together. They are strangers, but wildly attracted to each other. They will be together for twenty-four hours before anyone rescues them. Now, write a sex scene. If you are an erotic author, write a kiss sequence with no intercourse. If you are a sweet romance author, write a dirty, kinky sex scene. This scene is for you only—no need to judge yourself or share. But it’s important to see how you’d handle intimacy in a different manner, as a way of strengthening your writing skills.