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The descent of exhaustion had been heavy and precipitous, turning Dominic’s knees to water and sending him sprawling to the ground, unable to even keep hold of Gwyn as the chills ran through him. They were excruciating in their intensity, sending an agonizing echo through his already aching muscles, his teeth chattering no matter how hard he tried to clench them.
The world was spinning around him, the thick, silent air difficult to suck into his lungs; it felt like trying to inhale a blanket. He tried to reach out for her, but it was hard even for him to see.
And then he heard it: the muffled sounds of struggle, a muted cry that could have only been Gwyn’s. Somehow he made it onto his feet, his alarm for her momentarily banishing all else. He made out shapes in the darkness, one of which was carrying her away, and he lunged at them, howling, his knife in his hand before he even realized he’d reached for it.
Pain tore through his arm as his blade was wrenched from his fist with a speed that made his own seem commonplace. As he rounded on the figure that had disarmed him, he felt his legs buckle with no outside interference at all, a different kind of pain dwarfing all other feeling, all other sensation.
He screamed for her with no awareness of the sound, on the ground before he knew he was falling, and there was nothing in all the world now except for the pain that overwhelmed him, taking all thought and his every sense hostage.
Then something soft was shoved into his face, nearly smothering him, and as he instinctively drew in a breath before he could think better of it, the tide of anguish receded abruptly, not entirely gone, but easing enough to allow his mind to clear a little, his awareness of his surroundings beginning to seep back in by degrees. His hands went to the soft thing, clutching it, and he kept breathing it in with something akin to desperation. Whatever it was, it smelled better than a forest after a spring rain, better than hot food after a long night’s watch, better than the warm fur of the kitten that had been his childhood pet. It was familiar to him, but it took several long, deep breaths before he placed it, and then his eyes went wide.
It smelled like Gwyn.
Again he was on his feet, though he didn’t dare release the cloth he held, however horrified he felt at himself for reacting the way he was to it. It was all he could do to keep it far enough away from his nose and mouth to allow him to breathe. But he saw now that the creatures Gwyn had called elves were still there, and one held a spear that was pointed rather meaningfully at his neck.
“You need to leave now, monster,” the creature holding the spear told him, his nose wrinkling. Though the heavy silence remained, Dominic could hear the smooth voice with perfect clarity. “We don’t know why you would come here in such a state. You are not one of us, and if we could be sure the lovelies would not be...confused...if we were to spill your blood, we would be casting your corpse from our midst. ”
“The...lovelies? ” Dominic’s voice still sounded muted to his own ears, but the creature appeared to have no trouble understanding him.
“It is irrelevant to one such as you,” the creature informed him flatly. “You are not one of us. You are an aberration, a perversity. We will not kill you, but you must go. ”
“Where is the woman who was with me? What did you do with her? ” Panic spiked inside of him, the cloth no match for the direction of his thoughts.
“We are holding your mate until you leave. When you have left our wood, we will return her to you. ” The creature smiled without showing any teeth. “She is what you animals would call our surety. Heed us and she will not be harmed. ”
“Mate? She’s not my mate,” Dominic said quickly. “We’re only here because I’m...I’m not well. And we don’t know why. We thought you might be able to help me, since I’m-”
The creature jabbed the spear in his direction, though he stopped short of actually touching Dominic with him. “Never mind what you are. What you are should not be. The many do not mate with animals. ”
Anger spiked inside of Dominic, sending the blood rushing back to his face. “Well, clearly at least one of you did. ”
This time the creature did jab him, though not quite hard enough to break skin. “Not one of us,” he hissed. “We would know if you were one of us, and you are not. You must leave. You do not belong here. ”
Dominic hesitated. The creature sounded very nearly desperate to get rid of him, yet sounded concerned about harming him in the forest for some reason. This may be my only chance. “Tell me what’s wrong with me. That’s the only reason we came to you. We’ll leave immediately and not return, but I must know. There’s this pain-”
“We know about the pains,” the creature interrupted impatiently, his eyes narrowing. “There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s disgusting that one such as you should be bound to a mate like one of the many, but it is plain enough that this is what has befallen you. There is no comprehending the will of the Goddess in these things. ”
“You keep mentioning mates. I don’t understand what you’re talking about,” Dominic said bluntly, his head beginning to throb in time to his pulse. “And these pains are not normal. I’ve never had them before. They came on me suddenly-”
The creature sighed heavily, lowering the spear slightly. “We know. Did we not just tell you? You found your mate. Very simple. Even an animal should be able to understand this. The pains will come whenever you are apart until you have mated with her. It escapes us how you have failed to notice this, but it hardly matters. Mate with her, and the pains will stop once she’s breeding. They won’t return until she can bear again. Do you understand now? Can we make it any clearer for you? ”
But Dominic’s mind had gone blank. He hadn’t thought it was possible to feel any colder, but suddenly he was completely numb. He couldn’t even feel his own lips.
He shook his head fervently, ignoring the answering intensity of its throbbing. “You’re wrong,” he said hoarsely. “I’d never met her before, she’s a stranger to me, w-we’re not involved that way. This must be something else. ”
Something about the creature’s face softened, his lips turning down at the corners as he regarded Dominic. “If that were true, her scent would not have stopped the pains. It is her scent that bound you to her. There is no choice when it comes to mates, not for the many. Your blood will only heat for the one that is yours. If you do not breed with her, you will never be able to leave her side again. For now, her scent alone is enough, but in time, it won’t be any longer. When that time comes, the pains will return no matter how close you are to her, and they will not leave again. ” He tilted his head. “It is shameful that this has happened to you. One such as you should not be breeding. We would offer to kill her for you. She has no blood of the many. But her death would kill you as well. You can’t outlive her now. None of us can outlive our mates. The many mate for life, and you appear to have taken after us in this respect. ”
“And...and me? If the pains come and don’t leave, will they kill me? Will she die? ” He could barely get the words out.
But the creature scoffed, contempt returning to his face, the spear raising a fraction. “She will not die. She is an animal. It is not for her like it is for you. She does not suffer to be away from you now. She will not die when you die. The pains will eventually kill you, yes. Use your brains, if you have any. How will you eat or drink when they are upon you and can’t be stopped? You will not last that way for long. ”
“But...but the fever...” Dominic scrambled for some way out, some loophole that would prove the creature wrong.
But the creature gave a slight shake of his hairless head. “The fever is only upon you because her womb is open and she is unmated. When you mate with her or her womb closes, it will go away again. Were she like you, she would be fevered, too. ” Again his nose wrinkled. “We do not need to explain such simple things even to our children. How stupid animals are! ” Again he jabbed Dominic with the spear. “You have your answers, monster. Leave now. ”
Dominic didn’t know what else to say, what else to ask. He still felt numb, his mind as completely silent as the forest surrounding him. He let himself be prodded into motion by the spear, still clinging to the cloth, to Gwyn’s scent. When he emerged from the tree line, the prodding instantly ceased and he spun back around, but the creature who had pushed him out had already disappeared back into the trees.
He felt so cold and so empty, his mind fumbling uselessly with all he’d just been told, but it felt like an incomprehensible tangle. It can’t be, he’s wrong, how can this have happened to me?
It felt like an eternity passed in what was actually perhaps half an hour before Gwyn stumbled from the tree line, and he realized as he saw her shift that he must be holding her blouse.
But he couldn’t bring himself to offer it to her, even as her eyes fell on it as she approached him, a concerned frown curving her lips.
“Dominic? Are you all right? I was so worried! Did they speak to you? ”
He swallowed hard and gave a single nod. Suddenly he couldn’t look her in the eyes, his face beginning to burn as the numbness faded in her presence, only to be replaced with the heat of shame, a single thought breaking through the rest like a clarion call: the creature called humans “animals,” but he, Dominic, was the one who was an animal. He was in his current predicament because he was in a rut like any wild animal in its mating season. His pretense of humanity “apart from the odd quirk” had been destroyed, obliterated in an instant when, like an animal, he had smelled the wrong woman, a woman he never would have met if he had not been determined to serve his lord to the utmost. That single decision, however well-intentioned, had evidently bound him to this stranger, this Lyntaran stranger, for the rest of his life...whether she wanted him or not.
And why would she. I wouldn’t, if I were her. He called me a monster, a perversity. He was right. I deserve what’s going to happen to me. All the people who have tried to kill me over the years...I should have let them, let even one of them, succeed. Something like me was never meant to exist.
All the looks he’d been given, all the distrustful eyes...they had been justified.
He just hadn’t known it.
“Dominic? ” Her hand touched his face, and he shuddered involuntarily at the contact, his self-loathing growing as his breathing hitched.
He forced himself to take a step away from her, forced out words that sounded strangled even to his own ears. “I spoke with them. We need to go back now. ” A thought occurred to him and he made himself look at her. “They didn’t hurt you? ”
But he saw fresh bruises blooming on her upper arms, and he was surprised by how strong the urge was to return to the creatures’ accursed forest, possibly with a torch.
“I’m fine,” she said quickly, following his gaze. “Really, it’s nothing. We should go back now, before someone else comes along. ”
She hesitated, her eyes glancing back at his hands, at her blouse, but then she started off, and he made himself follow, his heart and his feet feeling like they were made of lead.
I have to tell her. There’s no way of keeping this from her. Maybe she doesn’t need to know all of it, though. She shouldn’t be made to feel like she’s trapped, Dominic thought as they re-entered the relative peace of the forest across the road. We don’t both need to be.
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Dominic was the palest Gwyn had ever seen him when she’d left the elves’ forest, his face as white as chalk. Even as they began the walk back to her cottage, even among the trees, he still had a distinctly gray cast to him that dismayed her.
It seemed as though he could hardly bring himself to look at her now, his eyes flickering to her only to dart away again, his head bowed as he followed her. His movements had an almost wooden quality, and he did not offer to take the lead again so they could travel farther away from the road.
He was still feverish and she was sure he had to be exhausted, but she was worried that there was more to it than that. Maybe he hadn’t been able to find out what was wrong with him. Maybe he had found out, but there was no cure. She had been relieved at first to find him silent and not in any obvious pain when they were reunited, but the way he clutched her blouse made her unease return in full force.
Something’s wrong...more wrong than it was before, she thought anxiously. She wasn’t sure if she should try to get him to speak, or if he needed to be left alone...or as alone as he could be in his condition.
When she couldn’t bear the silence and the worry any longer, she stopped in her tracks. “Let’s stop a moment. I’m tired, aren’t you? ”
Dominic sank down against one of the trees without answering.
Gwyn felt her pulse accelerate as she did the same at another tree about arm’s length away from him. He was all but clinging to me before, but he doesn’t seem interested in touching me now, she thought, biting her lip as she watched him. What if...what if he is sick because of me, because of my magic, and he knows that now and doesn’t know how to confront me about it?
Her mind whirled along that path until she couldn’t stand that any more than she had the silence, and she blurted out, “Is it my fault? Is that it? ”
His dark eyes met hers for the first time since they’d met the elves, and she was taken aback by the misery she saw there. They were very bright even in the dim moonlight, and he looked like he might have been on the verge of tears.
“No, it’s my fault, Gwyn. Or my father’s fault, if precision is important here. ” He sounded hoarse, and she wondered with a pang if he had been screaming back in the other woods.
“So...what’s wrong...it’s an elven thing? ” she suggested hesitantly.
“Yes. It’s an elven thing. ” His lips twitched as if he was trying to smile, but they never quite made it there.
“Did...did they suggest any herbs? Is there anything we can do? ”
Dominic winced, his eyes briefly closing as if in pain. “I...I need to tell you what they told me. I know that. But frankly, there’s nothing I can say that doesn’t sound absolutely horrible. There’s nothing I can tell you that I would personally believe, if I were in your position, and that makes it hard to know what to tell you at all. ”
“Why don’t you just tell me what they told you, and then we can disbelieve it together? ”
“Because...I do believe them. I just don’t think you will. ” He looked away again, swallowing loudly enough that she could hear it.
This must be really, really bad, she thought, rubbing her arms as a sudden chill ran through her. “It’s all right, Dominic, whatever it is. Just tell me. I haven’t gone to all this trouble over you just to abandon you now. ”
She meant for her words to come out lightly, meant for them to reassure him, but to her horror, he closed his eyes, shook his head once, and then went very, very still, so still that she wasn’t sure he was still breathing. He sat that way for so long, as silent and motionless as the tree he was leaning against, that she began to grow genuinely nervous.
Then suddenly he opened his eyes, looked straight at her, and said very clearly and very steadily, “You should abandon me now. I’m a monster. For both our sakes, you should leave me here. Whatever responsibility you imagine you have towards me, you have more than honored it. Whatever happens to me now is none of your concern. ”
“Oh, bullshit,” she said flatly, pretending that she didn’t feel like she was about to throw up. “Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad. Just tell me! ”
His eyes narrowed. “I’m trying to spare you. ”
“Well, that’s nice. ” She crossed her arms and watched him expectantly, all but tapping one foot.
He sighed and looked away. “Fine. As you like it then. They told me...they told me that you’re my mate. That’s why all this is happening...the pain when we’re separated, the fever. It’s a mating thing. It’s how it works for them, apparently. ” He looked back at her again. “I swear to you this is not something I have any control over. Whatever that says about me...I didn’t do this on purpose. I had no idea it was even a possibility. ”
Her eyebrows shot up. “So this...the pain, the fever...it’s all just about sex? That’s it? All we need to do is find you a nice whore and you’ll go back to normal? ”
He stared at her a moment. “I don’t think you understand,” he said slowly. The words came out sounding labored, as though he were forcing them out. “I...I can’t...it’s not that easy. It’s...it’s you. Your smell. ” He grimaced apologetically, but Gwyn’s heart soared with relief. My smell. My smell is what did it. It can’t be anything my magic did, then. I knew it!
But Dominic continued as though oblivious, “If she doesn’t smell like you...I couldn’t. I just...I’ve never wanted anyone before. Physically, I mean. I don’t think I could want anyone else. I can’t imagine wanting anyone else. ” He let out a groan, shaking his head. “I told you how this would sound. I tried to warn you. I know you probably don’t believe me, why would you? ”
But his words reminded Gwyn of what she had sensed the last time she’d lowered her shield around him, when she’d tried to heal him. Her eyes went back to the blouse in his hand, and between the two, she couldn’t bring herself to believe it was any kind of act or excuse.
“No, I believe you,” she admitted.
His eyes widened in surprise. For a moment, he seemed to be at a loss for words, then all at once, they came out in a rush. “Please understand...I’m not asking you for anything, even if you wanted to...help. Which I know you don’t, of course you don’t. I don’t want to do this either. I mean, my body does, but I don’t. Gods. ” He pressed a hand to his face, obviously frustrated with himself, but Gwyn just nodded.
“No, I understand. It must be terrible for you, feeling this way and having no control over it. Feeling this way about me but not wanting me...I mean, not really. I can’t even imagine. ”
As soon as she said it, she knew it was a lie. She could imagine it. It was to protect herself from that very sort of experience that she kept herself shielded. She wanted to touch his arm, to offer some kind of comfort, but she didn’t dare.
She cleared her throat. “So...how long will this last before it goes away? ”
He lowered his hand. “It...it won’t go away, Gwyn. ” He met her eyes reluctantly. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am. But I’m not able to leave you now. ”
“It...it won’t go away? ” She couldn’t seem to make herself understand those words. “It won’t go away ever? You’re never going to leave? Is that what you’re saying? ”
She was on her feet before she knew what she was doing, even though she had no idea why or what she thought she would do next. She felt an inexplicable urge to run, but of course, she couldn’t.
“I’ll just give you my clothes,” she said quickly. “I’ll keep wearing things and giving them to you. It’s not like you’ll have to stay with me, right? It’s just the...the smell you need? ”
“That will only work for so long,” Dominic replied. He hadn’t moved, though he was staring down at his hands now. “If there were another way, you must know I’d take it. ”
“Only for so long? And then what? ” She started off between the trees, unable to stop herself. She needed to move, that was all. Move and keep moving.
She heard movement from behind her and knew he was following. Against her will, words kept tumbling out, her agitation making her wring her hands as she walked. “This is...this is terrible. The very idea of you being forced to stay with me over...over what? A smell? For the rest of your life? It’s ridiculous. There must be some way to fix it. The elves just don’t know it...probably because they accept it, right? It’s their way of life or whatever you want to call it. It’s normal for them, but you’re human, too. Maybe it won’t work the same way for you. Maybe it can be stopped, or someone else you like better will smell just as...whatever it is I smell like to you. It looks bad now, I grant you, but there has to be some other way, some other woman who would be better for you if this has to happen. ”
“You’re saying you’re...not good for me, then? ” She could hear the perplexity in his voice. “I don’t understand. Shouldn’t you be upset that you’re stuck with me? It almost sounds like you have it backward, that you’re upset I’m stuck with you. ”
She stopped and turned to him. “I am, Dominic. We need to get you out of this. We just need to think, that’s all. We’ll figure it out. ”
She tried to sound reassuring, but inside, she felt like crying. He thinks he’s the only monster in the world, but there’s a reason I live all the way out here by myself. Even Emily couldn’t bear being around me any longer than she had to. He has no idea what he’s bound to. He can’t know.
He studied her silently, his face unreadable. “Until we do...I can’t leave you,” he said finally. “And there are things I need to do. ”
“What sort of things? ” Gwyn asked, her guard going up at once. I should have known the other shoe would drop sooner rather than later, she thought miserably. It’s just been that kind of week.
“I have certain...obligations. I’ll explain when we’ve returned,” he said, glancing around warily.
Her heart sank. If he needs privacy to tell me, even in a forest in the middle of the night where he apparently felt fine telling me about this mating business...gods. No good is going to come of this. None at all.
Gwyn forced a smile to her lips. “Well, it’s not much farther. ”
She still found herself walking back as slowly as she could.
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It was sheer effort of will that carried Dominic the rest of the way to Gwyn’s cottage, back up the path and into the little room. He was cold and tired and thirsty, though his stomach felt sick. Her reaction to their situation confused him, and the confusion distressed him to an extent that he never would have believed if someone could have predicted it before it had happened.
He didn’t understand her at all. Not only did she believe him far too easily, but it seemed bizarre that she was more concerned for his sake than she was for hers. All she’d done was bring home a man she had thought was dying, likely not even realizing that man wasn’t fully human, and now she’d learned that he was more animal than man and she was stuck with him. For the rest of his life.
Maybe she’s taking it so well because she thinks there’s some way out of it, he thought wearily, leaning against the doorway as he watched her change the linen on the bed. I don’t think she has any idea how deeply she affects me, how unlike me this is. Or the “me” I thought I was, anyway. I don’t even know myself anymore.
Dominic resolved in that moment that whatever it cost him, he wouldn’t let the more animal side of him show to her if he could help it. He’d managed to avoid telling her about what would happen if she failed to become his mate in the literal sense, and though he knew it was only a matter of time before she would find out, he saw no good reason why she had to live with the knowledge hanging over her any longer than she had to. There was no reason for her to be afraid of him, and he was sure she would be once she understood the extent of his plight, the inevitability of it. Now that he knew it was her scent that he actually needed to stave off the pain, he vowed to resist touching her or using his current state as an excuse to touch her.
For someone who had once shunned every occasion of voluntary touch and had done so for as long as he could remember, it was horrible to suddenly crave hers like nothing he had ever craved in his life. He felt both shame and disgust at the idea, but he couldn’t deny what he wanted, or how badly he wanted it. His chest ached at the thought of having no valid reason to hold her hand or touch her arm, but he would prove that the larger part of him was not a mindless beast...if only to himself.
I won’t be an unthinking slave to some insane physical drive that’s come out of nowhere, he thought fiercely. I never wanted this, and I won’t let it conquer me. If it means my death, so be it. I just need to accomplish this one last thing for Sebastien. Monster or animal or whatever I am, my life will mean something.
But that left the not-so-small matter of Gwyn’s cooperation.
I can’t think about that now. I need to sleep, and then I’ll think about it. There must be some way to gain her help without telling her everything or involving her in any direct treason.
As if sensing the direction of his thoughts, Gwyn turned to him, smothering a yawn with her hand. “Do you need me to make you something? The tea didn’t seem to help your fever much before, but we can try it again. Are you...are you always going to have one now? Until we find a way to end this mating thing, I mean. ”
He very nearly winced. She really doesn’t understand. Or maybe she needs to not understand in order to cope with it.
“No, it’s...I was told it has to do with...” He faltered. Though not ordinarily a man easily thrown off by frank topics of conversation, discussing the state of a woman’s womb with her was definitely uncharted territory. He felt wholly and significantly out of his depth.
“If you’re not comfortable, you don’t have to tell me,” Gwyn put in briskly, rescuing him from any greater floundering. “It’s temporary. That’s good, right? ”
“Right,” he agreed, immensely relieved. “It’s good. ”
“Well, the bed’s ready whenever you are. ” She gestured to it. “Rest surely can’t hurt. You look like you’re about to drop. ”
“You can have it,” he told her. “I’ll sleep on the floor. It’s not right to keep displacing you this way. ”
“You’re still not well even apart from the fever and...and all the rest like that. You have broken bones, for one thing. ”
“I hardly feel them,” he said honestly. He did not add that it was because the rest of him ached so intensely from the fever, or possibly from what was causing the fever. He had no desire to examine the matter any more closely than that. “Besides,” he added, “I heal quickly. ”
To his shock, she burst out laughing, then clapped both hands over her mouth. “Sorry,” she said from behind them. “I think I must be getting hysterical. ” She dropped her hands. “You’ve always been that way? ”
“Yes,” he said, eyeing her warily.
“It’s only that I noticed it before, and I wasn’t sure. ”
“Sure of what? What did you think was causing it? ”
She shrugged and went to the wooden chest, offering no further explanation. He watched her pull out a blanket.
“I’d feel better if you took the bed until your fever is gone,” she told him more soberly, laying down with it in front of the dark fireplace.
He finally moved from the doorway, pulling the door closed with a creak behind him, and went directly to the bed. He pulled off his boots with one hand, dropping them on the floor before lying down on top of the covers. He’d begun to shiver again, but this time he welcomed the discomfort and made no effort to ease it. He hoped it would keep his mind off other things, like the woman on the floor.
By degrees, his exhaustion overtook him, and he drifted in and out of a shivering, fitful, miserable sleep. When at last he fully awakened some hours later, it was well into the following morning, and he was covered up to his chin with the blanket Gwyn had been using.
Gwyn herself was nowhere to be seen.
He raised a hand to rub at his gritty eyes and realized belatedly that it was still gripping her blouse. His face burning, he realized that he must have been clinging to it all night, having forgotten he was even in possession of it. He longed to cast it aside, yet even though his fingers were cramping, he could not bring himself to release it.
He felt sickened by himself, by how pathetic he’d suddenly become, and anger sparked within him. With great difficulty, he managed to throw the garment against the wall beside him, where it drifted with infuriating leisure to the floor. He hissed at it inarticulately, his heart already pounding as it disappeared from sight, his nostrils involuntarily flaring to catch her scent on the blanket that laid over him.
For the first time since he’d met Sebastien, Dominic felt utterly helpless, like a creature caged. But the cage was his own body, and it would not be escaped by speed or strength or stealth. It could not be escaped at all.
A bleakness descended over him. He struggled not to think of Gwyn, but it was too exhausting a battle to fight; unwillingly his mind returned to her, and he began to speculate on where she was without meaning to, began to imagine all the things that could have happened while he was unconscious. She couldn’t be dead, or he would be too, but that didn’t mean someone hadn’t taken her, or perhaps was even taking her in another sense right outside the door.
That’s ridiculous, he told himself sternly, pressing his hands to the sides of his head as though the pressure could somehow banish his thoughts.
But he caught himself straining to hear all the same, as if some telltale sound from outside would confirm his new suspicions. He felt sick to his stomach as he listened for things he rationally knew weren’t happening. His head throbbed and his muscles ached, both from the fever and from the effort of keeping himself still on the bed. He longed to throw open the door and find her. His throat burned with the need to call out her name, and he bit down hard on his tongue, soon tasting blood. The thought of her with another man, irrational though it was, seemed impossible to purge from his mind now that it had occurred to him. Lurid images culled from sights inadvertently witnessed and unwillingly overheard played out in his mind, and he recoiled from them, both nauseated at them and excited by them in a perverse way that only fed the nausea.
He battled with himself in this way for some time, desperation building inside of him until he thought he’d scream from it, his eyes shut so tightly that even his eyelids hurt, the hammering of his heart drowning out all other sound until suddenly his nostrils were flooded with the scent of her, and he felt something touch his shoulder, tentatively.
Blindly he reached for her, moving before the motion even registered in his mind, his arms going around her, pulling her to him, his face pressing into what was probably, hopefully, her stomach. He gasped for air against her, shuddering with a multitude of feelings and impulses that he was powerless to avoid and felt equally powerless to act upon.
All his earlier vows and resolutions were abandoned in a moment, and for that moment, there was only pure, blissful relief. She was there, and he was touching her, and that was enough. Her scent filled him, and he pulled in breaths so deep that his rib cage protested. He became aware that her hand was stroking his hair, almost gingerly, combing it away from his face with her fingers, and he felt immediate guilt at how much pleasure the sensation gave him, absolutely certain that was not her intention in doing it and that she was by no means aware of his response to even so innocent a touch...yet fiendishly unable to pull away, to say something, to stop feeling what he was feeling.
He hated himself so intensely in that moment that if he’d still had his knife, he was sure he would have drawn it on himself. Instead he lifted his face to her and forced himself to open his eyes, to look at the face of the woman who had unwittingly turned the key in the door of his own private hell. He meant to ask her to kill him, to say whatever it took to convince her, even if it meant choking down bile to threaten her himself. He meant to goad her into ending it for him, whatever it took, even if it cost Kelemir, even if it let down Sebastien. He was not himself; some animal or demon had overtaken him. He could not live this way another hour, could not survive so much as another day in these chains made by his blood.
But her amber eyes were full of tears that dripped silently down her face, and her lips were set in a quivering line. She kept stroking his hair, the tears silently falling, and noticing his gaze, she said brokenly, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should have left you alone the first time I saw you, but not now. I thought you’d be all right. But you’ll never be all right like this. And...I don’t know if we can fix it. You’d have been better off dead than trapped here with me, wouldn’t you? You’re suffering so much, and there’s no way out of it without forcing you into things you don’t want. It’s a prison, and even if I didn’t mean for it to happen, it’s my fault that you’re in it. ”
And then she couldn’t keep speaking, her face crumpling as she began to sob openly.
Dominic stared at her, as horrified as he was fascinated. He went over what she’d said in his mind twice, not quite able to believe she had reached the same conclusions he had so quickly. It was as if she’d plucked the thoughts straight from his mind, and it was a first for him, one he didn’t know if he liked.
He’d also never seen anyone cry for him before. It made him feel terrible in a way he couldn’t explain, and yet he was enlivened at the same time. He heard himself boldly lying before he made any conscious decision to speak: “No, no, it’s not that bad, it will be fine. Please stop. I’ll be fine. For all I know, it would have happened even if you’d left me there. ”
“You’re trying to make me feel better! ” she cried. It came out like an accusation, uttered in exactly the same tone he would have expected to hear used with “hey, that’s my horse! ” She went on, sniffling, “You shouldn’t waste the effort. You’re the one who’s been wronged here. ”
“And you haven’t? You didn’t exactly ask to have a monster move in,” he pointed out, more bitterly than he intended.
“You’re not a monster. At least, not because of your blood. If you are for other reasons, I wouldn’t know. ”
“Well, I am, for many reasons. Doesn’t it bother you to think of being stranded with me? ” he demanded, absolutely certain he already knew the answer to that. “You don’t even know me. ”
“I haven’t really thought about it,” Gwyn admitted. “But it wouldn’t be the end of the world. I’m not the one in pain, after all. I’m not the one shaking with fever all night and forced to put up with living with another person who apparently stinks. ”
That shocked a laugh from him. “You don’t...stink...as such. ”
“That’s very diplomatic of you,” she told him, and now she was the one who sounded bitter. “If I bathed more often, maybe this could have been prevented. Or maybe if it hadn’t been so damn hot out. Who knows. ”
“I don’t blame you,” he said, and he suddenly realized that he didn’t, not really.
He blamed himself.
“And if anyone has a right to assign blame,” he continued, “I do. But I don’t place it on you, so neither should you. ” She sniffled, swiping at her face with her arm, but she seemed to be calming down rapidly, and it encouraged him to go on. “Truthfully, you could be making this situation much more difficult if you chose. I do recognize that. ”
“I shouldn’t have left, though. ” Her voice broke, and he realized, belatedly and with some alarm, that he must have taken the wrong tack. “I-I just needed some air, that’s all. It’s all a little overwhelming, and I just needed some space to think. But it was selfish. I can’t j-just be thinking of m-myself now...”
“No, please,” he said helplessly, but it was too late. She’d begun to cry again. She closed her eyes, and he could tell she was struggling to compose herself, making him afraid to speak lest he ruin the effort.
He wanted very badly not to ruin the effort.
After a few moments, she seemed to have regained some sort of tenuous control. Again she swiped at her face, and she grimaced a little. “I’m sorry. Look at me carrying on. I think I’ve gotten it all out though. ”
“I do hope so,” he said fervently.
“I promise not to tease you if you need to have a cry too. ” She was as solemn as a child.
“I’m not much of a crier, to be honest, but I’ll keep it in mind,” he answered just as gravely.
“Tell me what I can do for you, Dominic...what you’ll allow me to do for you. ” She seemed very calm now and very serious, though her face was still damp and blotched.
He forced himself to pull his arms away. They dropped to his sides like weights. “I...I don’t need to touch you. I want to stop doing that. It’s not something I want. ” His eyes searched hers, hoping to find understanding, and he was not disappointed. She nodded.
“That makes sense. You don’t want to be a slave to this...this...drive...or whatever it is. What you want, what your mind wants, is still important. ” She turned thoughtful, biting her lip. “Is there anything I should do if you...relapse? Do you want me to resist if you do? ”
Dominic’s mouth suddenly went dry and he looked away, feeling himself flush with embarrassment. “I...I don’t know. When I...relapse...I’m not in a good place. I don’t know what I’d do if you did. But if you’re worried that I’ll...go too far...”
“I’m not,” she said quickly. “Really, I’m not. I see how you struggle. I know you would fight it. And if you couldn’t...I would stop you. I know that’s what you would want. ”
“I’m stronger than you,” he said quietly. “And quicker. And possibly not entirely in my right mind with all this going on. ”
“Don’t worry about it. I can handle myself. ” Gwyn sounded completely confident, and he raised his eyebrows.
“I thought you said you’re not much use in a fight? ”
“That’s not the kind of fight I was referring to. I’m a woman who lives alone. I have my ways,” she said, crossing her arms. “Is there anything else I can do? Or, er, not do? ”
“Just keep your clothes on,” he said, unable to meet her eyes any longer. “All of them, I mean. ” He cleared his throat. “We do need to discuss future plans, though. ”
“Right. Your obligations. ” Gwyn turned from him. He looked up nervously, but she only went as far as the table, sinking into one of the chairs next to it. Her arms stayed crossed over her chest, and she looked for all the world like a warrior bracing for battle. “All right, I’m sitting down. Tell me about these things you have to do. ”
Dominic took a deep breath. He wasn’t sure how to explain what he needed without revealing where he was from or what he was there for. He hadn’t had the time or presence of mind to adequately consider what he wanted to say, but putting her off any longer didn’t look like such a good idea when she was obviously apprehensive about it.
He decided that being as frank as possible was probably the best way to approach it. “I need to go to the Union. ”
Gwyn blinked rapidly, her mouth dropping open. “The Union? You can’t go there! The border’s off limits. Everyone knows that. If you think you would have a better chance at a normal life over there without people beating you and leaving you for dead, I’m sorry to tell you that your chances will be no better there than here. I’m sure you’ve heard the things the messengers have said. They make it to all the towns sooner or later. ”
He hadn’t, actually, but he knew from Carys that messengers were sent to the larger towns on a regular basis bearing various “news” about how much better off Lyntarans were than their neighbors, whether speaking of the Union or, on the opposite side, Kelemir.
“All the same, I must go there,” he said carefully. “It’s nothing to do with me personally. A friend of mine needs a favor. ”
“A favor? ” Gwyn sputtered. “What kind of favor does anyone need in the Union? What could this friend possibly need that isn’t right here in Lyntara? ”
Dominic fought back a sigh. This is going about as well as I thought it would. How in the world am I going to convince her to go there with me? “I can’t tell you details. It’s a private matter. ”
“If he needs some kind of private remedy, I can help him, no trespassing required. Otherwise, I don’t even want to think about what kind of perversion requires a man to cross the border in order to obtain it,” Gwyn stated flatly. “He can’t be much of a friend if he’s willing to risk your life this way, Dominic. The border patrols will fill you with arrows and then ask your body what your business was. ”
“That’s not true on the Kelemir side,” Dominic retorted before he could stop himself.
Gwyn’s eyes narrowed. “I won’t even ask how you could possibly know that while also being the only person in all of Lyntara who doesn’t know that traveling near the Union is far more restricted than traveling near Kelemir. You must know that the Emperor really doesn’t like the High Lord of the Union. He’s a known heretic and blasphemer who denounces all the ways of the One Who Counts Tears. ”
He sounds like a promising ally, Dominic thought hopefully.
“Of course,” he murmured. “But I still need to go there. It’s important, Gwyn. ”
“So is not being killed by the border patrols! ” she cried. “You honestly expect me to set myself up for that kind of death over some private matter you won’t even tell me about? What’s more important than both of our lives, Dominic? ”
That brought him up short. He’d always been aware of the danger to himself, of course, but it was only just now sinking in that Gwyn would be in just as much danger. If he was to do this at all, he would need her to come with him.
It wasn’t fair to her and he could see that, but there was no way around it; if Lyntara erupted into civil war, Kelemir would need allies to have any chance of escaping the fall-out unscathed. The other Provinces would never help Sebastien, and it was Sebastien’s Province, the only one that directly shared a border with Lyntara, that would be forced to endure the brunt of it. His mission was to find out what he could and make it through to the Union if he could, but even if he was only able to learn some things inside Lyntara, how would he ever get that information back to Kelemir without Gwyn’s cooperation?
How do I tell her that I want her to betray her country and risk her life for an enemy? She’ll never agree, and I can’t force her. But I don’t believe for a moment that anyone else from Kelemir could make it through in my stead. If an alliance with the Union is ever going to be possible for us, I need to get there while I can. I never should have stopped by that settlement again. I let myself grow cocky because it was so easy the first time, and now I’ve brought all this down on us...not just on me, but on Gwyn, on Sebastien...ironically the only two people who have ever done anything to help me.
Dominic suddenly felt exhausted all over again, as though he hadn’t slept at all. The weight of his failure pressed down on him so heavily, he almost felt as though he were sinking into the bed. He rubbed at his temples, trying to ease the throbbing there that he noticed all over again.
“Dominic, I do see that this is important to you,” Gwyn said, spreading out her hands pleadingly. “But I can’t help you with it without knowing more. You understand that, right? ”
“Yes,” he said slowly. “But I still can’t tell you. It’s not what you think. ”
Then he tensed. He thought he could hear something in the distance...
“Then tell me what to think,” Gwyn said, but he held up a hand, straining to hear.
It took a moment, but he thought he could make it out. “Horses,” he said out loud. “Are you expecting any visitors? ”
One moment, Gwyn was still sitting, looking at him blankly.
The next, she was on her feet as quickly as any forest creature, grabbing him by the arm with one hand and the blanket with the other, pulling him towards the door.
He frowned at the back of her head, even as he inwardly relished the warmth of her fingers around his forearm. “What’s going on? ”
“In the cellar,” she mumbled. “Now. ”
“Cellar? ”
But she was leading him briskly around the cottage, and he now saw there was indeed a root cellar around the back of it, adjacent to a small herb garden. He didn’t have time to take in anything else before she was tugging open the door and pushing him towards it.
“Get in. ” She let go of his arm and thrust the blanket at him.
“What’s going on? ” he asked firmly, but she turned quickly away from him, her eyes scanning the trees before she looked back. She must hear them now too, he thought.
“Who attacked you before? Was it Raiders? Tell me, Dominic! ” she urged, her eyes intent on him.
He wasn’t sure how to answer. They were, but they weren’t. Since he was fairly certain it would be all the same to her either way, he nodded.
The blood drained from her face so quickly, he almost reached out a hand to steady her, afraid she might faint. But then she pushed him again towards the cellar.
“Get in. Keep the door cracked unless you hear them come back here. I’m not sure how much air is in there, or how long they’ll be here. ”
“What about you? ” The thought of leaving her alone with Raiders made his heart race all over again.
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll see what they want and send them on their way. They have no reason to bother with me. It probably doesn’t even have anything to do with you,” she told him.
But there was a tremor in her voice.
Again he hesitated.
“Now, Dominic! ” she snapped, and turning on her heel, she strode off around the cottage again.
Fighting back his misgivings, Dominic went into the cellar. It was a small structure, clearly only built for the needs of one or two people, no more than a modestly sized, partially underground wooden structure with a door. There were bins to hold the roots in question and little room for anything else; he had to fold himself nearly in half to fit.
Before he could close the door, Gwyn reappeared, holding something out to him.
“I tripped over it on my way out of the woods before,” she said as he took it from her. “Now shut the door! ”
He complied as he heard her leave, being mindful to keep it slightly cracked as she had suggested.
Darkness settled in around him, save for the narrow beam of milky light that slanted in through the crack in the cellar door. He held up the object she had handed him to the light and saw it was his knife.
He was overcome by some odd feeling that made his chest twinge as he looked at it, unexpectedly moved that she had returned it to him and, perhaps most impressively, that she had chosen to retrieve it in the first place even though it was obviously something that made her nervous.
She knows it means something to me, so she picked it up when she could have left it there and been rid of it.
Dominic lowered his hand and closed his eyes. He listened, and he waited.
