Wednesday, April 23, 2014
To My Dearest,
Today I saw Monique and we spent the first half of our session talking about my rape. I told her that I had ambivalent feelings about sex, even though I have enjoyed sexual moments on several occasions. She told me that there are some rape victims who sometimes need years of healing before they can enjoy sex again, if ever. But most are able to have normal sex lives with time, and she recommended that I start attending support groups for those who had been sexually abused or violated. She praised my efforts to view my rape through a positive lens. I had thought about the issue more since telling Julien, and went even farther in embracing it while talking to Monique: “When I view the rape as the price I had to pay in order to live, in my own twisted way I can retroactively consent to that horrific price – I’m still willing to pay it in order to live. And because in the last few months, I have really come to love life and am more hopeful in general, if – God forbid – I once again had to pay that price to stay alive, I would do it.”
During the last half of our session, I finally revealed to Monique that I had been in a relationship with my professor, and that I had chosen him as my first over Michael.
“How were you able to bring yourself to have sex, after the trauma of your rape a few years ago?”
“Well, giving myself to him wasn’t easy for many reasons, including that one. But it just felt right on many levels, and the experience with him couldn’t have been more different from the rape, obviously.”
“I certainly hope so! But whenever you do anything for the first time, all of the unknowns can fuel your imagination – for better or worse. How did you manage that? Did you do anything to prepare yourself psychologically for the unknown?”
“Whenever I felt myself worried about the newness of it, I tried to remind myself that, on some level, there was actually something empowering about the whole thing, if only because of who this man is.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s my professor and a famous, billionaire tycoon, yet suddenly we were equals. I was lying in his bed and had something that he wanted or needed. Despite all of his wealth and power, I still – in that moment – controlled his happiness and self-esteem.”
Monique thought that was a positive way to feel more empowered about an act that had originally rendered me weak and vulnerable. But, after discussing my relationship with Julien in more depth, I told her that I had effectively ended things with him yesterday. Her professional opinion, after everything I had told her, was that it was a wise decision for many reasons. She didn’t think it was healthy for me to be dating someone with so much sway over me (as both my professor and a potential benefactor for my cause), and she thought that the huge power imbalance between him and me – notwithstanding any temporary impact I might have on his happiness – was at least partly the reason the relationship had been so one-sided. She also worried that I might be developing an unhealthy dependence on Julien.
After speaking with my therapist, I felt better about my decision, even if I occasionally still worried that I had made a terrible mistake – in terms of the cause, my dream of working at JMAT, my grade in his class, and the strong and intimate connection that I had started to feel to him.
A few hours later, I confronted Maya about her sexual relationship with Julien. I asked her to meet me in front of Butler Library, because I didn’t know how our exchange would unfold, or how long we’d want to continue talking. At first, she tried to deny it.
“What are you talking about, Anissa? Julien and I are just friends,” she insisted, as she swung her bag of books over her shoulder.
I raised my eyebrow skeptically and shook my head in disappointment. “So I guess he and I were ‘just friends’ all this time too – at least that’s how he saw it. That would certainly explain a lot.”
“What are you getting at, Anissa?”
“What I’m getting at is that while I was dating Julien he was still involved with other women, and you were one of them.”
Maya seemed slightly flustered as she tried to deny it. “I don’t know where you’re coming up with this stuff. Julien and I are just friends.”
“Just friends who also sleep together.”
“Who told you that?” she asked, with a regained boldness. “Sounds like the usual gossipy rumors to me.”
“Is that your final answer?” I asked giving her one last chance to come clean with me.
Seeing that the conversation would probably last longer, she took the bag off of her shoulders and rested it on the ground. “Yeah. What makes you think that’s not the case?”
“Because I snuck into his Facebook inbox, that’s why. And I saw the messages between the two of you joking about how, right after that first date he took me on, you were helping him to release his pent-up urges so that he could take things slow and play it cool with me.”
Maya looked away, embarrassed. “I can’t believe you went into his private business like that,” she finally said.
“And I can’t believe that you were sleeping with him this whole time... When did you start having sex with him?”
“Last September.”
“But why would you even try to encourage me to get closer to Julien if you were with him?”
Maya shook her head again and regained her usual swagger. “You are still precious, my Syrian sista’. Even if you’re a bit inexperienced about the ways of the world.”
“What do you mean?”
“Because the smart way to date someone like Julien is to find out what you can do for him – find out what he wants. It’s nice to have a guy like Julien owing you favors.”
“So you brought me to his party to keep yourself in his good graces?”
“I was trying to hook you up, Anissa. Like I’ve told you, I have girlfriends that don’t talk to me anymore because I haven’t brought them to one of his VIP parties.”
“But why didn’t you at least tell me that you were sleeping with him this whole time?”
“Girl, that’s private – between him and me. That was part of our deal – that we’d never discuss it with anyone.”
“But I told you that I slept with him, so – at that point – why couldn’t you at least tell me the same thing? I thought you were my friend.”
“I am your friend. But just because you broke confidence with him, doesn’t mean I should.”
I was speechless and appalled, and could only shake my head in amazement.
Maya stooped down to pick up her bag, apparently concluding that our talk was coming to an end. “You think you own him just because he slept with you? Do you know how many supermodels he’s slept with, Anissa? Nobody owns him – it’s just not possible. And everyone who sleeps with him knows that. But I guess you’re a bit naïve.”
“If loyalty among friends and fidelity among lovers is naïve, then yes, I am proudly naïve. I’m just glad I finally found out who shares my values, and who doesn’t.”
I turned around and walked away, angry and disappointed in yet another person I thought I could trust.