Thursday, June 12, 2014
To My Dearest,
The last six days since my trip with Uncle Tony to Montreal have felt a bit disoriented as far as where my heart is. After I broke up with Julien, I had only about two weeks with Michael before he left for Syria. And when I saw him again for the first time at the Montreal airport, it felt too awkward to kiss him there, in front of my relatives and also after being apart for so long.
I’m guessing he must also feel a bit uncomfortable because he hasn’t really tried to see me since his return. On the other hand, he’s insanely behind on his life after being gone for about a month, on top of the ongoing pressures from the MCA’s activities in Syria, so it’s understandable that he would need a while to adjust to the time zone change, catch his breath, and work through the endless to-do list that has been impatiently awaiting his return.
Seeing Julien just before going to Montreal probably added to my confusion. I still feel a strong pull towards him and – for all of his faults – he has a core goodness that still shines through. I was reminded of that after reading the awful article about the incident at JMAT involving the homeless war veteran and, of course, learning of his incredible generosity towards the MCA. In addition, everything he said to me in his office has stayed with me, and I keep wondering if I’m making a terrible mistake by not giving him a second chance. Even worse, maybe I’m being unfair to him, since I know him so much better than those who don’t seem open to his potential goodness (like the journalists who delight in every chance to portray him in a negative light).
On the bright side, I’ve been spending a lot of time with Maria, trying to help her get acclimated to life in New York. She said that she plans to reconnect with her love of music in a city that offers so many unique opportunities for her to do that. I also talked to her about how helpful it was for me to see a therapist after escaping Syria and offered to introduce her to Monique. Maria seemed open to the idea, and I’m hopeful that she’ll decide to start seeing her.
I actually have to leave now for an MCA meeting – the first that Michael is running since leaving for Syria last month. I’m excited that Maria will be attending as well – if only so that she can see that there is a growing group of activists trying to help our community. That should lift her spirits a bit, and maybe she’ll even make some new friends there. I think it would also be fun for us to work together on an issue that matters so much to us both, so hopefully she’ll decide to become actively involved in the MCA. I’ll write you more when I get back.
* * *
I just returned from the MCA meeting and most of it was spent discussing how the threat of ISIS is metastasizing across Syria and into Iraq, because world powers have failed to stop this cancer. Michael drew our attention to news reports about a week ago that ISIS had attacked Mosul with only about 1,500 fighters and had apparently scared away Iraqi soldiers, who were at least fifteen times more numerous. Then he mentioned reports from yesterday that ISIS had seized large quantities of US-supplied military equipment and had looted over four hundred million dollars’ worth of Iraqi currency from the banks in Mosul, Iraq’s second largest city. The terrorist group had also freed thousands of prisoners, many of whom are likely to join the insurgency. I just couldn’t believe how the world was letting these monsters take over so easily.
As I expected, Maria found some strength and solace in the group solidarity provided by the MCA, and was also grateful that she could now do something to help, rather than passively watch our community get victimized by armed and violent Islamists. My sister is not allowed to have a paying job while seeking political asylum in the United States, but she can certainly volunteer her time.
“Thank you so much for bringing me here,” Maria whispered to me at one point during the meeting.
“You mean the United States or this MCA meeting?” I asked with a knowing smile.
“Both!” she beamed. “You’ll be seeing even more of me now because I’d like to become an active member in this organization.”
At one point in the meeting, someone who was new to the MCA posed a question to the thirty people there. “Why doesn’t the West show more concern over the plight of Christians in Syria and Iraq?”
To my surprise, Maria raised her hand and offered her explanation: “To the jihadists, we are kafirs, or infidels. But to the West we are just Arabs.”
“That’s exactly right!” I affirmed, impressed with my sister’s insight. Many of the Middle East Christian members present nodded their heads and talked amongst themselves in agreement.
At the end of the meeting, my sister and I went up to Michael to speak with him and a surprising level of awkwardness ensued. He and Maria seemed to stiffen up a little, and I myself felt uneasy, not sure how I was supposed to behave around him – especially with my sister next to me. Michael managed to ease the weirdness a little by focusing our chat on developments in Syria and Iraq, but then he abruptly excused himself, saying that he had to rush back home to take care of some things. I didn’t know what to make of the whole thing.
Maria accompanied me back to my dorm room and, at that point, I couldn’t resist asking her more explicitly about Michael. There was something that was making it uncomfortable for the three of us to be together, and my curiosity to find the explanation wouldn’t go away. To get the most candid and natural response out of Maria, I decided that I would ask her in Arabic, even though I had been insisting – to help her linguistic adjustment – that she start using only English when she spoke to me, Uncle Tony, or any other Arabic speakers she met in New York.
I broached the topic in a fairly direct but friendly way – as if it were just a light observation for us to muse over: “Did you notice how awkward it seemed when the three of us were talking just now?”
She smiled in surprise, as she responded in Arabic: “Why did you suddenly switch to Arabic for this question?”
“Well, I figured that trying to explain this awkwardness could involve a lot of subtle observations or carefully worded statements, so I thought it would be easier and more natural for you to discuss it in Arabic.”
“Yes, definitely,” she confirmed with a smile, as we entered my dorm room and each took a seat on my twin-sized bed. “And I agree that Michael seemed a bit stiff or unsure of himself when it was just the three of us, but I think he was just eager to return to his work because he’s so busy these days.”
“I agree... Except that he also seemed that way to me at the airport, when I came to pick you up... So that’s why I thought maybe there’s something else going on.”
Maria’s arms crossed her chest and she seemed to crouch inward a little. “I think maybe we’re all just not used to being around each other – I mean, you and I aren’t even used to being around each other, after so much time.”
Her answer felt like a diplomatic evasion. “True, but it seems less weird when it’s just the two of us, don’t you think?” I persisted.
“I guess.”
“Tell me honestly, Maria. How do you feel about Michael?”
My sister suddenly leaned back with her elbows on the bed, almost as if to avoid direct eye contact with me. “Well, he’s a wonderful man,” she said almost wistfully, looking up through the corner of her eyes. “And I’m really happy that you found him.” She looked away for a moment, and then looking back at me with a forced smile, added, “He’d make for a great brother-in-law, so you certainly have my blessing.”
“Well, it’s just nice to have your blessing for anything,” I said with a grateful smile. “I’m so happy to have you here, and safely back in my life!”
“Me too,” she replied with a smile that shared in my appreciation but was still hiding something.
I had to put my sister at ease a bit more about the subtext surrounding this topic, if I was going to get any real information out of her. So I opened to Maria a little more. “Believe it or not, I’m actually very torn about things with Michael.”
Her expression morphed into one of complete surprise, almost relief. “Why? What do you mean?”
“Well, we never talked about this, but I was actually dating my professor for a while.”
Maria’s face lit up in amusement at my naughty confession. “Really?!”
“Yes. His name is Julien, and I still think about him a lot.”
“Oh. Does Michael know this?”
“No. Since the two of you arrived, he and I haven’t even had a chance to talk much. In fact, I hardly even saw him after I had stopped dating Julien because I had to focus on my final exams.”
“Oh,” she said, as if she wanted to avoid taking any position on the issue. “Well, I’m sure that God will steer your heart wherever it’s meant to go.”
I gently put my hand on my sister’s shoulder. “Tell me honestly, Maria. If I weren’t in any way involved with Michael, how would you feel towards him?
She still wasn’t ready to go there. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, if I weren’t in the picture at all, could you see yourself getting romantically involved with Michael?”
“Why are you asking me such a question?”
“I just have a feeling about this and want to know. Please be honest with me, Maria. I promise I won’t be upset with you, whatever your answer is, as long as it’s honest. Could you see yourself with him?”
A smile that she could hardly repress gradually crept onto her face, and then she nodded silently while looking down, as if slightly ashamed.