Sunday, 6/15/14 at 21:45.
My therapy session today began with me updating Lily about the aftermath of the incident involving Craig Walkenford. I told her how my lawyers amicably resolved the defendants’ claims out of court with a settlement payment of about half a million dollars. But I explained that the bigger, related cost was the set of redemptions and lost investors attributable to the bad press about Craig’s violent flashback at JMAT.
“The investors who were in the lobby when it happened all decided against working with our fund, but that was to be expected, and a relatively small loss. The bigger problem was that some of my long-term investors began to doubt my judgment and emotional stability, and a few of them even emailed me directly, asking me if I really had chosen to be temporarily homeless.”
Lily’s expression seemed to be one of pity. “And how did you answer those questions?”
“I tried to explain that I was under a lot of stress at the time and had simply taken a brief break from work and fell asleep in the park from exhaustion, and that’s how the rumors started. But doubt can be a hard thing to remove once it settles into someone’s mind. And I think confirmation bias is probably strengthened when money is at risk.”
“As a defense mechanism?” Lily clarified.
“Yes. To protect their capital, I think investors have an even stronger tendency to search for, interpret, or recall information in a way that confirms their beliefs or hypotheses. And if something calls into question the integrity or emotional stability of the person in charge of their money, investors will feel a strong motivation either to doubt the reports and seek out information that confirms their faith in the fund manager, or to panic and seek out more proof that they should withdraw their funds from that manager before they suffer a major loss.”
“So how did most of your investors react?”
“Predictably, those whose investments have performed relatively well over the last quarter tended to dismiss the reports as rumors or distorted mudslinging. But those who were disappointed with their returns over the same period generally believed the reports and questioned the safety of keeping their money with me. On the whole, our total assets under management fell by about ten percent as a result of this mess.”
“But you’re confident that your firm can recover from that?”
“Yes. We’ve come back from worse. And I have no regrets about helping Craig. In fact, after karma paid me the nicest possible visit yesterday, I decided to pay for him to get treated at a live-in facility that will hopefully get him back on his feet someday.”
Lily looked impressed by the gesture. “Well, that was very kind of you.” She then squinted a little. “What visit from karma do you mean?”
I released a smile. “Anissa called me yesterday, asking if we could meet. I took her out to dinner last night, so we could talk.”
“And what happened?”
“She told me that she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about me and was increasingly doubtful about whether she should still date Michael, whom she had barely seen after she and I broke up, because of his lengthy trip to Syria. She admitted that – out of her own inexperience and emotional frailty – she might have judged me too harshly.”
Lily tapped her pen against her lower lip, and her eyes narrowed a bit. “And what do you think was her motive for these confessions?”
I stroked the small scruff that was building up on my face. “I’m not sure there was a specific motive – it all felt very natural. Basically, we just opened up to each other more about how we felt.”
“About each other as individuals or about your relationship?”
“Both. We each admitted what we found so special in the other, acknowledged the major mistakes that we thought we had made, and ultimately exchanged apologies. By the time we said goodnight, we had agreed to give ourselves a second chance.”
There was an unmistakable look of disappointment on Lily’s face. “You think that’s a good idea?” she asked, in the most detached and clinical tone she could summon.
“Yes. I feel like I’ve been on cloud nine ever since,” I admitted with a grin. “And this is actually good news for you as well,” I added ironically, knowing that it would annoy her.
She did her best to look unfazed by my comment. “How is this good news for me, Julien?”
“Well, we won’t have any more of those awkward goodbyes at the end of therapy. Now that my attentions are again fully focused on Anissa, it should be a lot easier to respect your professional boundaries.”
“I see,” she replied with an expression that seemed to say, “It’s not as if anyone was really suffering from those awkward goodbyes.”
“Oh, and my motivation to tackle my past is now greater than ever. I repeated my promise to Anissa that I would be completely open about it with her within three months or she could terminate our relationship for that failure alone.”
Lily brushed aside a lock of her red hair that had fallen in front of her and placed it behind her ear. “Well, as your therapist, I think that’s probably the only good thing that will come of this.”
I couldn’t resist the temptation to toy with her. “Why are you being such a party pooper, Lily?”
“I’ve told you before all of the reasons why this relationship seems unhealthy for you and her.”
“Perhaps I have a selective memory, but the only reason that comes to mind is no longer relevant now that my class is over and I’m no longer her professor.”
Lily rolled her eyes slightly and shook her head. “Julien, you’ve got deep and severe traumas that have prevented you from being truly intimate with anyone and you have yet to tackle them even in therapy. As if that weren’t enough, you’re more than twice her age, she’s a victim of rape and the trauma of seeing her family butchered, and you’re now making her your guinea pig as you try out this new thing called a serious and faithful relationship.”
Maybe Lily had a point.