Saturday, June 21, 2014
To My Dearest,
It’s been a week since I met Julien for dinner, when we agreed to give our relationship a second chance. So much has happened since then, but I’ve been too busy living these things to write about them. I’ll try to catch you up now as fast as I can.
Before that dinner with Julien, I had thought long and hard about my relationship with Michael, and my sister’s interest in him – something I had sensed from the moment I saw the two of them in the Montreal airport. I could tell that they were really happy together and unusually comfortable around each other. I also thought about how Maria had suffered so much during the last two years, when I was living a much safer and happier life in the U.S., and I wanted her at least to have some joy and a beginning of hope. And Michael was exactly what she needed – a source of strength and pride for Middle East Christians in general, and especially one who was a refugee like her, who had fought hard for her freedom and dignity.
To my own nerdy amusement, I even analyzed how my romantic decision had the potential to produce, in economic terms, a Pareto optimal outcome. If I chose Michael, then I might or might not end up as happy as would be the case if I chose Julien, but my sister would definitely lose Michael; on the other hand, if I chose Julien, then she would gain Michael, and our collective happiness would thus be optimized.
Of course, I still cringed at the thought of explaining all of this to Michael, and couldn’t really imagine a more awkward conversation. But we had to have that talk, and I was finally able to sit down with him for coffee on June 13th (the day after the MCA meeting that Maria attended with me, and the day before my dinner with Julien).
“Judging from how hard it is to get a private meeting with you these days, I’d say you’re already the president of a new country,” I teased him, after we had settled into our seats with our coffees.
He winced in embarrassment as his hands fidgeted around his coffee cup. “I’m really sorry, Inās. It’s been more hectic than ever, especially after such a long absence.”
I gave him an understanding smile. “I know, I’m just giving you a hard time.” I paused for a moment until his eyes met mine. “But I am also wondering if that’s the only reason it’s been so hard for us to meet.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, my woman’s intuition tells me that something might have changed for you during your time in Syria.”
He looked away for a moment. “It was just a really stressful time, but you were a tremendous help, and I’m extremely grateful for it.” His face lightened up in amusement at what he was about to say. “Believe it or not, I’m even starting to like your professor, after everything he’s done for the MCA.”
“He’s not so bad, right?” I asked with an ironic half-smile. “It’s funny how you’ve effectively been partners in so many MCA-related projects – including the liberation of my sister.”
He chuckled at my surprising but true observation.
“You do have a point.”
“And as thankful as I am, she must have been totally awed by your help.”
“It was a pleasure to come to her assistance – she’s a very special woman. I guess it runs in the family,” he added with a wink.
“You certainly made an impression on her.” I raised my eyebrows suggestively, before taking a sip of my coffee.
“Well, I’m sure that every captive feels that way about anyone involved in liberating him or her.”
“So you don’t think there’s any special connection between the two of you?” I asked.
His feet shuffled below the table and lightly bumped mine. “What do you mean? What are you getting at, Inās?” His tone sounded both evasive and defensive.
“It’s OK, Michael. I sensed it from the moment I saw the two of you together at the airport – before you knew that anyone might see how the two of you were interacting.”
Michael’s eyebrows rose in surprise, as he tried to dance around the facts. “We had just been traveling together for over fourteen hours. It’s only natural that we’d get to know each other a bit during that time.”
“On top of the time that you spent with her in Beirut.”
Michael took a sip of his coffee, and then put his cup down. “Yes, but we obviously respected certain boundaries, Inās. We slept in different rooms – I was there only as the man in charge of her safety and to help her get by in Beirut until her visa was approved.”
I realized that I needed to approach the issue more theoretically, as I had done with my sister. “I don’t doubt that, Michael. But tell me honestly: if I didn’t exist, would you be interested in Maria?”
He looked away for a moment, uncomfortable with being put on the spot – almost as if I had asked him whether, in the abstract, he was prepared to cheat on me with my sister. I had to make it even more acceptable for him to speak frankly, so that his response would be clearly beyond reproach. “OK, let’s take it one step further. Suppose that I never broke up with Julien – imagine that he and I have been happily dating since the first time he took me out to dinner a few months ago. You then liberate Maria from her captivity and spend all of this time with her. Would you want something more with her? Or would you always just think of her as a friend?”
Michael’s face lightened up, almost as if a burden had been lifted. “Well, if that were the case, I’m quite sure that she and I would be exploring much more than friendship by now.”
Relieved that I finally got him to confirm what my gut had told me all along, I couldn’t resist making a joke. “If you can’t have one Toma sister, there’s always another one you can try for, right?”
He chuckled. “Well, I wouldn’t put it that way. Maria is hardly just a consolation prize. But I would never want to disrespect you like that – especially after we were trying to turn a new leaf. So I just never even let my mind go there.”
I put my hand on his arm for emphasis. “I know, Michael, and I really appreciate it. But I need to be completely honest with you about something... “
His shoulders stiffened a little. I took my hand away and put it back on my coffee cup. “I still thought about Julien a lot after he and I broke up. Nothing happened between us while you were away, but I kept wondering whether I had been too quick to leave him. And it’s not really fair to you that I’m still attached to him on some level.”
Michael raised his eyebrows for a moment and then looked down. I couldn’t tell if he was hurt or relieved, but he was definitely surprised and gathering his thoughts. With a self-deprecating smirk, he finally reacted: “Well, I’m the last guy to judge you for still feeling attached to your last relationship.”
I chuckled. “It’s funny how life happens sometimes. Reality is always so much messier than the neat fantasies of life that we nurture in our minds.”
“Very true.”
“So when are you asking Maria out on a date?” I asked lightly, with a mischievous smile.
Michael laughed. “How about we set it up right now?” he quipped with exaggerated enthusiasm, clearly meant to mock my hasty transition.
I was so relieved that we had made it out of that heavy conversation without too many feelings being hurt that I couldn’t resist some more comic relief and whipped out my cell phone. “You don’t think I’ll take you up on that offer, do you?”
“No, I don’t!” he replied, practically daring me.
I dialed Maria’s number and put her on speaker phone.
“Hello?” she answered.
“Hi, Maria, how’s it going?” I began. Michael shook his head in amused disbelief.
“Good, how are you, Inās?”
“I’m doing great, actually. I’m just super excited because there’s this really great guy that I want you to meet. I think the two of you would get along fantastically well!”
Maria’s voice sounded cautiously curious. “Oh really? Wow, that’s quite a recommendation. So who is this guy and where did you meet him?”
“I met him on Facebook actually.”
Maria’s voice suddenly became more skeptical. “Really? But isn’t that kind of random?” she added. Michael was clearly trying to restrain himself from bursting into laughs and spoiling the prank.
“It was kind of random, but I then met him in person, so I can vouch for him – he’s really a good guy.”
Her voice sounded more trusting again. “Well, if you met him and you think we would be good together, then I’ll be happy to meet him.”
“Oh, well I’m very glad to hear that because he’s actually right here next to me, waiting to ask you out on your first date.”
Maria’s tone went back to sounding confused and skeptical. “What do you mean? Really?”
“Yes, you’ve actually met him before. His name is Michael Kassab. Here, why don’t you talk to him directly,” I added pushing my phone closer to Michael with a huge grin on my face.
“What?! Are you playing some kind of joke on me?”
I nudged Michael with my hand and urged him with my eyes to say something, but he was still in shock from the whole thing.
“No, I’m not! I swear to you he’s right here – I’m not used to seeing him so speechless, but I think he gets shy just thinking about you.”
Michael finally released a laugh and spoke. “Hi, Maria... Was your sister this much of a troublemaker back when you were living together in Homs?”
Maria sounded totally shocked and amused. “Oh hi, Michael... Wow, what a surprise! No, she was much better behaved back then. Clearly she’s making up for lost time now!”
We all shared a laugh.
* * *
The next evening, I had dinner with my former professor and, by the end of the night, it was as if we had never stopped dating. I told him about how I had set up Michael with my sister, and that seemed to bring Julien and me even closer to one another. We had each removed all rival suitors from the playing field, we were no longer worried about a professor-student scandal, and he had committed to revealing his childhood traumas within three months. With all of those issues behind us, every time I’ve seen him since that dinner has been absolutely magical.
Last Thursday, after two more dinner dates, we also had sex again, and I actually enjoyed it more than any of the previous times. I decided to stay and try to sleep in his bed that night, despite the possibility that one of us might wake up the other because of a nightmare. To try to avoid my own nightmares, I went through my usual ritual of whispering to my parents not to enter the car, and didn’t even mind that Julien might overhear me. In the end, it was he who woke us up with his nightmare. I just tried to hold and soothe him, until he fell back asleep in my arms.
Today, he took me on our most extravagant date yet, treating me to a private helicopter tour of Manhattan, starting in Battery Park, where we took off to admire the marvels of Manhattan for about an hour before the aircraft transported us to Julien’s summer estate in Southampton. Throughout the tour, we were mesmerized by spectacular views of the Manhattan and Brooklyn Bridges, the South Street Seaport, and the Wall Street area. Then we flew by the Empire State Building and hovered near Central Park to soak in that stunningly verdant sight, before making a grand sweep of Yankee Stadium and the George Washington Bridge.
Throughout the tour, I kept admiring this man next to me who appeared to have the world at his fingertips. Indeed, even the meaning of his name seemed to reinforce that idea of him: of or relating to the famous Roman emperor, Julius Caesar. Even the official calendar belonged to him, I joked quietly to myself.
Putting aside how much the tour’s grandness seemed to conform to Julien’s larger-than-life persona, the most moving moment was when our helicopter approached Ellis Island, and stopped to behold the Statue of Liberty from the skies. The breathtaking aerial view of that powerful symbol totally transfixed me. As I looked at the green patina covering Lady Liberty’s copper skin, her torch raised so high and proud, it felt as if she were calling out to me – even congratulating me – as if to say, “You made it here too, Anissa. Welcome.”