two worlds

For a long time now, I've been caught between two worlds, and it's not easy.

In one world people are self-sufficient and motivated. They make a way for themselves, and they're not afraid to try. They know that not trying is tantamount to true failure, and that failure is simply a learning experience. They know that their ideas have worth, and they want to make their worth known.

In the other world, the people are different. Though they seem to be content with nothing, they actually are not. They are simply afraid. The world has told them that they will never amount to anything, that their ideas are stupid. The ideas are not stupid, but the people are stupid, for they believed the world rather than believing in themselves.

In the first world, there are luncheons and auctions, galas and premiers. There are no price tags because you simply go after what you want and you get it. There are lazy afternoons under Caribbean sun and gusts of cold air on a wintry slope. There is always enough, but there can never be too much because it's all there for your taking.

In the second world, there are Chinese food joints where the proprietors greet you from behind three-inch walls of Plexiglas. There are businesses that make you pay three percent to have your check cashed. There are vacations on the front porch, where the sun beats down mercilessly on people whose houses are hotter than ovens because they can't afford air-conditioning. There is never enough of anything, so they improvise with extra cups of love, a pinch of humor, and a dash of passion.

My father and Faith showed me one world. Despair and self-hate showed me the other.