It took tremendous effort on Sophia’s part not to tremble as she slid into her seat at the table. More so when Jack lowered himself to the spot beside her. His nearness was like a jolt to her senses. Her heart had been racing madly since the moment she’d entered the parlor and seen him. Lord, her memory did not do him justice. Somehow, the last four years had carved away at his features to create a more chiseled appearance. It also seemed as if his shoulders had gotten broader, though that couldn’t be quite right. Could it?
She dropped her gaze to the soup she’d been served and reached for her spoon with hesitant movements. It would be impolite not to eat, but she wasn’t sure how to go about doing so when her stomach had been reduced to a tangled mess.
“I must confess,” Jack murmured, the soft wool of his jacket grazing the bare skin on her arm as he leaned in close. “Your announcement caught me off guard. Please forgive me and allow me to offer congratulations.”
Awareness pulsed through her – the warmth of his nearness, the throaty sound of his voice thrumming around her, the enticing scent of sandalwood filling the air a heady concoction indeed. She swallowed and took a deep breath. Jack might have the power to make her feel more alive than anyone else, but he was a dream, a childish fantasy best forgotten. And she was engaged to Edward now. So she squared her shoulders and forced herself to meet his gaze.
Searching brown eyes pierced hers, almost making her catch her breath as her stomach curled inward. She took a moment to gather her strength. “Of course. I appreciate the sentiment.”
A smile pulled at his lips. “You’ve changed, Sophia.
“Have I?”
He nodded, and then his gaze dipped lower, and something inside Sophia died. For four years she’d explained away the gossip about him, building excuses for him in her head, refusing to think him the rake scandal sheets painted him. And yet right now, with his attention directed toward her breasts, she had no trouble believing he was the worst sort of scoundrel.
Indeed, she wanted to toss her napkin in his face, or better yet, her wine.
The incident passed with swiftness – too quickly for anyone else to take note.
“I must say though, I never pictured you pairing up with Edward.”
Coming on the heels of his blatant perusal, Sophia failed to hide the sudden flare of irritation his comment provoked. “And why is that?”
“It seems unnatural.”
She stared at him. “What?”
“I mean, you’re practically related.”
“Except we’re not.”
He reached for his wine. “Come now, Sophia. You’re like brother and sister.”
“No more so than you and I,” she hissed in annoyance.
“I have to disagree with you there. You and Edward were raised together. Like siblings.” His lips quirked with seemingly innocent curiosity. “I mean, is that not how you’ve always viewed each other?”
Lord how she wanted to place her hands around his neck and strangle him. She tightened her grip on her spoon. “It is.”
“So then, what difference does it make if you don’t share the same birth parents?”
“I’d say it makes a world of difference when it comes to marriage,” Sophia clipped. She turned away from him and started eating her soup while all manner of insults directed at Jack flew through her head. Why she’d ever fawned after him, she’d no idea. He was a cad.
“Do you perhaps find him desirable?”
The whispered words chipped away at her manners even as they swept over her shoulders and caused her to shiver. She cursed him for making her body respond with unwelcome pleasure. “Of course not. That would be…”
She stopped herself just in time and continued eating her soup.
“Odd?” Jack prompted with a low chuckle. “Impossible?”
Refusing to answer, she willed him to shut up and give his attention elsewhere. Or perhaps she should do so. Only Edward, who sat to her right, was presently engaged in conversation with Lady Turner.
“It does make one wonder about your reasoning,” Jack added.
Sophia set her spoon aside, took a long sip of her wine, and swung her gaze back to the man she’d once dreamed of living happily ever after with. What on earth had she been thinking? “He and I have a history, my lord.”
Irritation hardened his features. “You used to call me Jack.”
“Mr. Fenmore and I understand each other,” she added, deciding not to let his comment distract her from what she meant to say. “We care for one another. More to the point, he asked, in spite of my questionable parentage. It would have been downright foolish of me to turn him down. Especially since I love him.”
This final statement seemed to render Jack mute. His eyes widened a fraction and then his lips parted as if he meant to respond. But then he just shook his head and turned his gaze away. To Sophia’s consternation, it did not feel like the victory she’d hoped for, but rather like a defeat. It left her with a deflated sensation and a sense of unfathomable loss.
Getting through the rest of dinner was a chore. Constantly aware of the tempting woman who sat beside him, Jack wondered what the hell had possessed him to push her with all those improper inquiries. It wasn’t like him to be rude or condescending, and yet he’d not be able stop the awful questions and comments from leaving his mouth. The need to provoke her had been too strong, and the manner in which she’d responded had only made it worse.
Fury had burned in her eyes, revealing the passionate nature that drew him to her when they’d been children. She’d always been a hoydenish imp with more of an interest in boyish pursuits, so he’d enjoyed her company whenever she’d come to visit since she was the only one who’d been willing to play in thick brush. Felicity, Kaitlin, and Edward had always preferred to keep their hair and clothes in order, and had kept each other company while Jack and Sophia burrowed their way through the hayloft in the stables. On the rare occasion when Edward didn’t accompany her, Sophia would join him under a tree while his sisters picnicked with dolls. Not once had he thought of her as a girl. Hell, even when his father had suggested he and Sophia might end up together if he weren’t careful, Jack had thought it laughable.
The realization confounded him as much as his response toward her. Because there was no denying the way his blood heated with each angry word she’d just spoken. And in the awful aftermath of this moment, he had to come to terms with a difficult truth.
Jack took a deep breath and allowed the idea of desiring Sophia Fenmore to settle. Damn, but he wanted her. Only she was now engaged to Edward – his friend.
The irony wasn’t lost on him. God help him, it almost made him laugh. When he’d left, hadn’t it been with the hope that Sophia would take a fancy to someone else?
Well, he hadn’t expected that someone else to be Edward. Nor had he expected to regret with every fiber of his being his decision to stay away as long as he had. And yet just sitting beside her, inhaling her tempting scent of citrus and honey, was enough to make him wish he could stay right here beside her forever.
Ignoring his soup, he drank some more wine. At the rate which he consumed his drinks this evening, he’d be ten sheets to the wind in another half hour, a state he looked forward to with pleasure.
“I gather you chose to follow our plan after all,” Felicity said after dinner. She’d drawn Sophia aside and led her toward a more private corner of the parlor where two chairs waited with a table between them. They sat.
“Not at all,” Sophie said. “Edward proposed in earnest and I have accepted. The engagement is real.”
“I…see.”
Sophia studied her friend. “You sound disappointed.”
“No, no.” A smile was forced into place. “I’m happy for you. Truly I am. As long as this is what you want.”
Unable to resist, Sophia allowed herself to seek out Jack. He stood on the opposite side of the room, glaring at her. She turned her attention back to Felicity. “It is.”
“I’m glad.” Felicity tilted her head. “I can’t say the same for Jack though. Something tells me he’s not happy with your engagement. So even if you no longer wish to attract his attention, I do believe you’ve managed it all the same.”
Sophia pursed her lips. “Unfortunately, I fear you might be correct.”
“Unfortunately?”
“Although I’ll always be fond of him and the memories he helped create, my feelings for him aren’t what they once were.” How could they be when he wasn’t the same carefree boy who’d been kind enough to mend the kite she’d made. The toy had gotten tangled in a tree and Jack had climbed up to fetch it. When she’d realized one side had gotten torn, she’d burst into tears. Jack had consoled her. Two days later, he’d brought the repaired kite to her at the vicarage.
Felicity smiled. “In that case, I’m all the happier for you since it would have pained me to watch you settle for one man while you still loved another.”
“Indeed, if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that my love for Edward is real.”
Felicity pressed her lips together. It was clear she had something else to add, but rather than say it, she smiled. “Have you settled on a date for the wedding yet?”
Sophia nodded. “Edward’s father has suggested December twentieth, which allows us three Sundays for the banns. I have to get to work on the invitations tomorrow after church.”
“I’m happy to help and Kaitlin is too, I believe.”
“Thank you, but I’m sure you’ve enough to see to considering all the gentlemen hoping to gain your attention.” Sophia swept the room with her gaze and managed to ignore Jack this time. “Do you have a preference yet?”
“I think it’s too soon to tell.”
When Sophia cut her a quizzical look on account of her breathy tone, she followed Felicity’s line of sight to where Edward stood. He was keeping company with the earl and viscount.
“Either of those men would make an excellent match for you.”
Felicity ‘s smile slipped before she managed to put it back into place. “Yes. I’m sure my parents agree.”
Sophia shot another look at the men. Something in Felicity’s tone was off. She almost sounded resigned. In a sad sort of way. But why should that be? Unless her friend’s heart was otherwise engaged.
Sophia pondered this possibility before she said, “Would you rather consider someone else? Perhaps one of the gentlemen you met in London?”
Felicity gave her head a swift shake. “No. There is no one else.”
“You’re certain of this?”
“Of course.” Felicity reached for Sophia’s hand. “Come. Let’s join the others.”
Sophia stood and allowed Felicity to lead her over to where Kaitlin sat. Once seated, Sophia tried to pay attention to the ensuing conversation. It seemed Mr. Madsen was keen on cross pollinating fruit trees. Kaitlin listened to him with rapt attention while Felicity served Mr. Dover some tea and commented on her desire to try keeping bees.
Sophia did her best to focus on what was being said, only to find her thoughts wandering back to her recent conversation with Felicity. Her friend’s assurances hadn’t rung true, leaving Sophia with the distinct impression she had been lying, perhaps even to herself.
“Do you regret accepting my proposal?” Edward asked Sophia later as they headed home together in the carriage the Turners had lent them.
She turned to him in surprise. “No. Why on earth would I?”
His expression was hard to read in the dark but his words conveyed empathy. “I thought seeing him again might have caused you to change your mind.”
“It has not. Quite the opposite, in fact.”
“Sophia. ” He spoke her name with the certainty of someone who knew her better than anyone else. “I know your feelings for Hawthorne run deep. Don’t try to pretend they’ve suddenly vanished.”
She fought the unhappy laughter that threatened and managed a smile instead. “He’s not how I remember him and I have changed as well. Besides, there was never any chance of our ending up together.”
“Perhaps not,” he agreed and reached for her hand. He gave it a gentle squeeze. “But that doesn’t mean you aren’t affected by having even the slimmest possibility removed.”
“I might have been,” she said, “if there weren’t so many differences between us. You’ll have to forgive me, Edward, but right now the thing that upsets me most is realizing how much we’ve grown apart.” So much so she wondered if she could even call Jack her friend anymore. He’d unnerved her and thrown her off balance tonight, riled her until she’d wanted to scream. But he’d also made her want something she knew she had to resist.
“I’m just thinking…”
When Edward didn’t elaborate, Sophia asked, “What?”
His hold on her hand tightened. “You deserve to experience passion, Sophia, which is something I think we can both admit you and I will never find with each other. So if the opportunity were to arise and…and you wanted to steal a moment for yourself, I wouldn’t begrudge you.”
Shocked by his implication, Sophia snatched her hand away from his and turned more fully toward him. “Are you suggesting I have an affair? That I become another of Jack’s conquests?”
“No. What I’m suggesting is that you should do what feels right for you, provided you don’t embarrass me in the process.”
Sophia turned her gaze toward the carriage window, only to be faced by her own reflection. The sad expression of the woman staring back at her only made her unhappier. “I cannot believe we’re having this conversation.”
He sighed, the sound so achingly wretched it nearly brought tears to her eyes. “You deserve to know what it means to desire someone and to feel desire in return. I’ve had my own experiences and I know full well what I’m giving up. But you don’t.”
She jerked around and stared at him. “Surely desire will come if we’re willing to try?”
He shook his head. “No, Sophia. Desire doesn’t grow in the way love does. It’s either there or it isn’t, right from the start, a magnetic pull instilling in you a basic need to copulate. The luckiest people in the world are those who have both love and desire, although if one must choose, love is the better option because it is sure to last, while desire may fade with time. I know you love me as I love you, but I also know with equal certainty that you will never feel desire for me.”
Indeed she would not. The very idea of climbing into bed with Edward was, as Jack had said, unnatural. And yet she would do it however many times she had to in order for them to conceive. Not the most romantic view of what married life promised to hold. She found she looked forward to it with dread. And with anger directed at Jack for ruining something that would have worked out so well had he not made her yearn for more than what she was permitted to have.
With his hands in his pockets and his posture rigid, Jack stood near the library window and glared at the landscape beyond. With only the fire burning behind him and three oil lamps scattered about the room, he could see the dark outline of the tree line where the forest began. A nerve ticked at the edge of his jaw. His brain felt like it had been dislodged. In fact, his skull hurt like blazes. Most likely from all the drink he’d poured down his throat that evening. Unfortunately, its soothing effect had faded hours ago without leading to the carefree state of drunken bliss he’d hoped for. Instead he felt exhausted, slightly unwell, and more irritated than when Sophia had first arrived and he’d learned of her engagement.
His jaw tightened. Why the hell should he care who she married? In fact, he ought to be thrilled on her behalf. In spite of the way in which he’d teased her – mocked her rather – for choosing Edward, he was a good match for her. Jack scowled at his reflection in the glass as he recalled the things he’d said. It seems unnatural. I mean, you’re practically related. Come now, Sophia. You’re like brother and sister.
He winced. If one didn’t know any better, one might suppose he was jealous.
Which he wasn’t.
The preposterous notion almost caused him to laugh. He scrubbed one hand across his jaw and muttered a curse.
“So this is where you’re hiding.” Felicity’s voice made him turn. She stood in the doorway with Kaitlin directly behind her. “Just so you know, Cumberland won the game.”
Jack nodded. He’d suggested billiards after Sophia and Edward’s departure, but with his mind elsewhere, he’d played worse than ever before and had quietly snuck from the room in search of solace. “Have he and the rest of the guests retired then?”
“Most of them.” Felicity and Kaitlin stepped into the room and shut the door. “When we left, Cumberland and Lambert were smoking cheroots on the terrace.” Felicity wrinkled her nose and made her approach. “You’ve been a bit odd all evening, so we thought it best to check on you.”
“I’m fine.”
“Were you not pleased to see Sophia and Edward again?” Kaitlin asked.
Jack curled his fingers, digging his nails into his palms. “You could have told me they were coming.”
“We wanted it to be a surprise,” Felicity said.
The humorless laughter that threatened earlier rose from his throat with gruffness. “It certainly was that.”
“I must confess, their intention to wed got the best of us too,” Kaitlin said. “But I for one am happy for them.”
Jack stared at his sister. He told himself not to comment. And yet, the words slipped out all the same. “They’re completely ill-suited.”
“I wouldn’t say that,” Felicity countered. “They’ve grown up together which means they already have a strong bond. This alone should make their marriage an easy one.”
He snorted and turned away in an effort to hide his sudden anger. “I ought to get myself to bed.” What he meant was he needed to flee, rid himself of his sisters who clearly wished to discuss a subject he hoped to avoid.
“Honestly, Jack. I don’t know why you’re in such a mood,” Felicity commented. “It’s as if you begrudge them their happiness, which doesn’t really seem fair. I mean, they’re your friends. You ought to be thrilled on their behalf. Especially for Sophia whose prospects have never been much to speak of.”
“I’m not suggesting she could do better, but for her to marry Edward of all people is just so…so…”
“What?” Kaitlin asked as if what he said next would change the world.
He swung back toward them and stared at their expectant faces. Eventually, he shook his head. “Nothing. I’m sure I just need to get used to the idea of them as husband and wife.”
“Is that all?” Felicity asked.
“Of course.” He started for the door. “What else could it possibly be? If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try and get some sleep. Good night.”
“You know,” Kaitlin said, her gentle voice catching him right before he managed to leave the room. “They’re not married yet.”
He glanced over his shoulder. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Kaitlin shrugged. “Nothing. Forget I said anything.”
Jack scowled and quit their presence with a clipped stride. His sister’s words had not been nothing, and the chance of him forgetting them was as likely as him ignoring his sudden and most inconvenient attraction toward Sophia Fenmore.