Guilt dug into Jack and clawed at his conscience. She wasn’t wrong. He’d made no effort to keep in touch. Quite the contrary. At first, because he’d hoped to discourage her growing interest in him. Later, because he hadn’t known what to say. Time had made any answer he might pen feel awkward.
So he looked at her now, at the accusation in her eyes. There was hurt there as well, which was what truly pained him. He’d never intended to break her heart or crush her spirit. It occurred to him now he might have done so.
With Star’s reins clasped loosely in his hand, he said, “Forgive me, Sophia. The last four years have been busy for me.”
Her eyes hardened, holding his for a moment more before she gave a disdainful snort and started walking away from him once more. “Yes. I know. It’s a wonder you found the time to come here at all what with all the women climbing in and out of your bed.”
That she would address his love life so openly shocked him. He stared after her, unable to find the right words.
“You may disparage Edward for being a bore,” she added, “but at least he’s a gentleman. I’ve never had cause to question his moral compass, though I can’t say the same about you.”
The sudden fury she stirred in him caught him utterly unawares. Before he could think, he’d caught up with her, snatched her by the arm, and spun her toward him. “You know nothing of my situation, Sophia. How dare you judge me?”
“I judge you with the knowledge I have in my possession. According to what I have read, you are a flirt, a seducer of women, a rake of the highest—”
“Careful,” he gritted. His hold on her tightened and he took some pleasure, perverse as it was, in watching her eyes widen with apprehension. Satisfaction coursed through him, bonding with the tension she’d pushed through his veins. “I am not the heartless bastard you wish to paint me, Sophia.”
She raised her chin, defiance evident in her expression. “Release me.”
Still reeling from the accusation she’d spoken against him, he did as she asked without hesitation. The words - the pure contempt with which she’d said them - hurt like nothing else.
Worse was the realization that he had caused this. Four years ago he’d set out for two distinct reasons: to get away from his father and to make Sophia lose interest in him. And he’d succeeded. But having to face the woman who’d once gazed upon him with awe and adoration when she’d been a child only to realize he’d lost her trust and respect was like a thousand lashes across his heart. It felt as though he’d been cut wide open and was having salt pushed into his wound.
This was a situation of his own making, and he had no one to blame but himself.
Acknowledging this, he chose to say nothing more on the matter. Instead, he gestured toward her basket. “Allow me to carry that for you.”
She glanced in the direction she’d been heading and spoke without looking at him. “I think it might be best if you went home. I’d rather walk alone.”
An awful sense of loss swept through him. His throat tightened in response and it became hard to breathe. She was pushing him away and he sensed that if he let her, it would mark the end of their friendship. No matter how much he’d wronged her, regardless of the mistakes he’d made where she was concerned, he could not let her ruin the one thing he valued above all else: knowing she’d be there, no matter what – a constant in the madness of his life.
He stilled on that thought. Was this why her engagement to Edward upset him so? Because it heralded change? Because his childhood friend was moving on without him? Not Edward, but her. And if so, had he not taken her for granted, to suppose she wouldn’t – to imagine he could return at any time and pick up where they’d left off? That everything would stay the same?
His chest ached as he realized he’d put the most important relationship he’d ever had in jeopardy. She was his best friend. Sophia, not Edward. She’d been the one with whom he’d always felt the strongest connection, the boisterous girl with whom he’d gazed up at the sky in search of peculiar cloud formations, the imp who’d clapped with glee when he’d shown her a new magic trick he’d learned, and the one person he’d always looked forward to seeing above all others whenever he’d come home from school on holiday.
She mattered to him more than anyone else and rather than give her respect, he’d ignored her out of fear - fear he might not be as indifferent to her as he’d told his father, fear he’d want an impossible future, fear he would end up spending the rest of his life with someone who wasn’t Sophia.
“I can’t let you walk alone,” he said, more determined than ever to stay by her side. “It wouldn’t be right.”
Her reluctance was evident in the flattening of her mouth. She sighed. “Fine. As long as we don’t have to talk. My head hurts from all the arguing.”
He rather agreed. And since he’d always found pleasure in sharing silences with her when he’d been younger, he took no issue with her request. In fact, he was glad of it, since it gave him a chance to gather his thoughts. And there were a lot of thoughts, all of them buzzing about his brain while he trudged along beside her, leading Star by the reins.
Eventually, having circled back to the comment she’d made about him being a rake, he decided he had to say something. “I never ruined anyone, you know.”
“Sorry?”
It sounded like she’d been deep in thought. Her quizzical expression confirmed this. So he added, “That’s what rakes do. They’re scoundrels who take advantage of naïve young girls, luring them astray and then abandoning them to the repercussions. I don’t do that, Sophia. I only flirt a little with some of the debutantes, mostly to boost their confidence. The…um…the women I’ve…um…entertained, were either widowed or…”
“Or?” she asked when he paused to consider his words.
This was a delicate subject. It wasn’t the sort of thing a gentleman broached with an unmarried woman. And yet, he sensed being honest would help reduce the rift between them. So he bolstered himself against the shame of addressing such personal details of his life with her, told himself he had to for the sake of their friendship, and said, “There are unmarried women who seek to improve their situation by exchanging favors of an intimate nature.”
“You refer to whores?”
He choked on the air he was breathing. “Not entirely. Some are ballerinas, opera singers, and actresses. Women who wish to be independent while still enjoying the company of men.”
She cut him a look and raised an eyebrow as they reached the opposite side of the field. The Scotts’ cottage came into view roughly one hundred yards away. They’d be there soon, which was good since the clouds that had been in the sky when he’d left Eastgate earlier had darkened.
“From what I understand there were married women too. Other men’s wives?”
He swallowed. “Yes. Well. I can’t deny my dalliances with Lady Preston or Lady Laxonberry.”
Sophia shook her head and scoffed. “And yet you seek my approval. Well, you shan’t have it, Jack. What you’ve done is wrong.”
Jack was sure the church would agree. But things weren’t always as black and white as Sophia wished to make them. “One should be wary of judging others as swiftly as you are inclined to do. Have you ever met these women or their husbands? Do you know a single thing about them?”
“Of course not.”
He grabbed her elbow and drew her to a halt. “Sophia, you know me.”
“I believe I used to, but now…” She shook her head and stared in the direction they were headed.
Curling his fingers more securely around her arm, Jack held onto her as though she were his life-line. It was vital he change her opinion of him. For the first time ever, he sensed his entire existence might be at stake if he failed to do so. “Lady Preston is five-and-thirty years of age.”
“I do not wish to know the sordid details of your debauchery.” Sophia yanked on her arm, but Jack held her in place.
“When she was but eighteen years old, her parents married her off to Viscount Preston, a lecherous man forty-five years her senior with whom she has since been forced to share her bed.” Noting the wide-eyed look of shock in Sophia’s eyes, Jack continued. “As for Lady Laxonberry, her husband is a notorious brute. As someone who has seen her unclothed, I can vouch for that. Her body is always marked with bruises.”
“Good lord.”
“Both women sought comfort in my arms. I’ll not apologize for offering them a moment’s escape from an otherwise horrid life. My only regret is getting found out. Both women suffered because of it, especially Lady Laxonberry.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“No, but you were very keen to make assumptions and think the worst. Weren’t you?”
“Forgive me, Jack.”
He loosened his grip on her arm, then released her so she could recommence walking. A frown pulled at his forehead as he fell into step beside her. “I wish you had confronted me sooner. Instead, you try to avoid me.”
He saw her cheeks flame even as she said, “I already told you. I’m just in a hurry, that’s all. My leaving the Richmonds’ with haste had nothing to do with you in the least.”
He didn’t believe her. She’d been on the attack since he’d caught up with her fifteen minutes ago, pushing and prodding, provoking a fight as if he were a threat and words were her weapons.
He lost his chance to say as much when they arrived at the Scotts’ front door.
Sophia knocked and when Mrs. Scott arrived, she offered her the basket.
“Thank you, Miss Fenmore.” Perpetual sadness clung to Mrs. Scott’s eyes. The deep grooves set in her face a stark reminder of all she’d lost. “Won’t you come in?”
Jack’s heart clenched in memory of the frozen lake her boys had succumbed to. The youngest lad had fallen through and the oldest had tried to save his brother. Both had eventually perished.
“I’m afraid we can’t stay,” Sophia said. She offered a smile and placed one had on Mrs. Scott’s arm. “Please give our regards to your husband.”
“Yes,” Mrs. Scott said. She pressed her lips together and nodded. “We’ll see you at church on Sunday.”
“Come,” Jack said once he and Sophia had finished taking their leave of Mrs. Scott. “I don’t like the way the wind’s picking up now and those clouds look mighty threatening.”
She glanced at the sky and frowned. “Do you think it will start to snow before we get back to Town?”
“It might, which is why I suggest we hurry.” He led Star onto the road and steadied him. “Allow me to help you up.”
She stared at him. “If I ride, then what will you do?”
“We’ll ride together.” When she drew back, he waved with increased impatience. “Time is of the essence, Sophia, so please put aside whatever grudge you’re still holding toward me and get on the horse.”
“I really don’t think this is a good idea.” She seemed to consider the road. “I’m perfectly fine walking. It won’t take more than forty-five minutes for me to reach home.”
Something wet landed on Jack’s forehead. “During which you may catch your death.”
“I’ve never been sick in my life,” she argued, and promptly set off at a brisk pace.
Jack muttered a curse and followed. Lord, how he wanted to strangle her right now. Tempering himself, he did his best to convey calm and reason as he said, “Edward will never forgive me if I don’t see you home safely.”
“And so you shall,” she quipped. “On foot.”
“Stubborn chit,” he grumbled, and suddenly grinned when he noticed her smile. Unable to resist, he drew a bit closer to her and gave her shoulder a nudge. “Impossible female.”
“Impudent rogue,” she countered, all seriousness in spite of her twinkling eyes.
Jack felt himself relax for the first time since their reunion. This was what he’d always enjoyed about her – this teasing manner and fearless wit.
Additional rain, not snow, began to fall. Sophia seemed not to notice as she asked, “So who do you think your sisters will marry?”
The unexpected question threw him. “I haven’t really considered. And I’m not sure they have either.”
She was quiet for a moment. The wind grew stronger and Jack considered ordering her onto the horse. But then she distracted him by saying, “I fear Felicity’s heart may already be engaged.”
This, Jack hadn’t expected. “Has she said something to you?”
“No. But I have a feeling she is resigning herself to what you and your parents expect of her.”
He didn’t like that idea at all. “Of course I want both my sisters to marry, but I also wish them happy. My parents do too, I’m sure. For my own part, I can only say that if Felicity has formed some sort of attachment with a gentleman of her own choosing, she need only come to me and ask for my blessing.”
“Unless she doesn’t think you’d approve,” Sophia suggested.
“That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t listen.” He shook his head. When had it come to this? How was it that everyone in his life thought the worst of him? Sophia believed him a scoundrel, Felicity an oppressor of sorts. Yet all he wanted – all he had ever wanted – was to try and ensure their happiness by keeping them safe. His sisters by helping them both make favorable matches, Sophia by crushing whatever romantic notions she might have started having of him lest she think they could have a future.
Four years ago, he’d had no interest in marriage. Hell, he’d barely known he had a heart or that it could ever belong to one single woman. So when his father had warned him away from Sophia with threats of cutting him off, he’d left for her sake as much as his own. Driven by a fierce desire to hurt his father in return, he’d entered into one liaison after another with every intention of adding a smudge here and there to the otherwise pristine family name.
He grimaced as he recalled the conversation that had led to the rift between them.
“Sophia Fenmore is growing up,” Papa had said, “and I fear she’s becoming aware of you in ways she wasn’t before.”
“What are you getting at?” Jack asked.
“Be careful, Jack. A woman like her can never be more than your mistress and—”
“You insult her with what you are saying, and you insult me by supposing I’d ever cross the bonds of friendship between us.”
“You cannot tell me you’re blind to her interest. Don’t think I haven’t noticed her seeking you out with greater frequency than when she was younger. My fear, Jack, is that she no longer comes here to see your sisters, but purely in the hope of gaining your notice.”
“What you suggest is ridiculous. She’s but a child.”
“A child on the cusp of womanhood, Jack. Surely you must have noticed.”
To Jack’s complete and utter amazement, it wasn’t something he had considered until that exact conversation. And then he’d not been able to think of anything else. So he’d called on her and had, during his visit, discerned that he must be both daft and blind. Because Sophia was not only turning into a woman, but a shockingly tempting one too, even though her feminine allure then was nothing compared to what it was now.
When he’d left, he’d had to acknowledge that their youth was over, that the casual friendship they’d had in their childhood would never be what it once was. They were now man and woman, and as this realization cemented itself, he’d felt his whole world slide sideways.
It hadn’t helped matters when he’d returned to find his father waiting. Demands for Jack to stay away from Sophia henceforth had followed and Jack had called him unreasonable; the final threat had been issued. So he’d done the only thing he’d been able to think of in order to solve the problem.
He’d run.
From his father and from Sophia.
“I think we need to hurry,” Sophia’s voice jolted him out of his reverie.
A harsh gust of air caught the edge of his greatcoat and pushed him into Star. Sophia drew her cloak around herself and bowed her head to the wind. Jack cast a glance at the swaying trees in the distance as more rain started to fall.
Damn!
Aware of the danger they faced if they got caught in a storm, he rounded on Sophia, placed his hands on her waist, and hoisted her onto Star. She gave a startled squeal which he ignored as he swung himself up behind her. He’d tried to do as she asked, but he would not risk her health for any reason. She could argue with him over it as much as she liked later. For now, he meant to see her returned to the vicarage before she got soaked through.