Sophia knew she shouldn’t allow him to kiss her – was keenly aware her heart would likely break in the aftermath. But in this moment, this brief illusion Jack offered, she had no choice but to give in to his advance. It was, after all, like a dream come true – his mouth on hers, an exchange of breath, and the feel of his hand pressing into her back as he held her close.
She sighed against the touch of his lips, firm yet soft as they swept over hers in sweet exploration. Her fingers stole over his shoulders, tracing the muscle there as they crept higher, giving herself the freedom to touch him as she’d yearned to do for so long. Her hands found each other, forming a loop around his neck. His teeth scraped her flesh, nibbling gently, inquiring if she desired more without attempting to force the issue.
Alive with the wonder of this shared closeness and how right it felt, she parted her lips and granted him entry while arching into his solid frame. He made a rough sound – a rumbling of sorts – and guided her backward.
“Sophia.” Her name was but a guttural sound, nearly lost in the kiss.
But she heard it, the raw emotion in his voice provoking feelings she’d tried so hard to bury. And as he lowered himself to the bench and pulled her into his lap, she clung to him with all she was, desperate to imprint this moment upon her brain – all too aware that it could not last.
Later, after this stolen haven in time, she’d have to face reality. A world in which she and Jack would never be able to have each other. She’d have to face Edward. His name fluttered through her mind even as she spoke Jack’s. He wrapped his arms tighter around her, encouraging her to sink against him. His fingers were in her damp hair while he drank from her as if parched. The blanket he wore had slipped to his waist, allowing her to press her palm to his chest.
Hot skin stretching across firm planes of muscle greeted her touch. All traces of the chill creeping over the winter landscape outside had been completely erased. It made it so easy for her to forget.
And yet, Edward’s name persisted, forcing her to withdraw on an intake of breath. She bent her head against Jack’s shoulder and fought for the strength she required to walk away. “We need to end this.”
Right now. Before they did something that could not be undone. She was keenly aware of her state of undress, aware that one swift tug would undo the blanket protecting her modesty, and equally aware that she was one second away from throwing all caution to the wind and letting Jack take her. If he wished to.
“I am engaged to Edward,” she murmured while Jack smoothed a hand over her head. “I’ll not dishonor him by lying with you.”
“Tell me something, Sophia.” He spoke quietly, the words falling slowly from his mouth. “Do you love me?”
His question would have caused her to leap from him had he not held her firmly in place. “That’s a terrible thing to ask.”
“Do you?”
“Jack…”
“Look at me, Sophia.” When she failed to respond, he placed his fingers beneath her chin and nudged it upward. Stormy eyes, dark with intensity, held her captive. “Tell me you love me and I swear I’ll find a way for us to be together.”
“How?”
“I… I don’t know yet.”
Not reassuring by any means. Nor was it the sort of declaration she’d need in order to walk away from the security Edward offered. She shook her head and pulled away from Jack’s touch. “I’m sorry.”
“Sophia, you cannot kiss me as you just did and then deny there’s a deep connection between us.” His hand settled on her shoulder, pinning her before she could add more distance. “Would it help if I were to confess my own love for you?”
“What?” She turned, the bliss she’d recently found in his arms replaced by a sudden anger brought on by confusion.
“I love you, Sophia. I realize now that I’ve done so for years.” He raised his hand as if he intended to caress her cheek.
She swatted it away and gave him a hard look. “Then why did you ignore my letters? Why did you stay away for so long? You gave me no reason to hope, no reason to think you even cared. Rather, I was granted the opposite with every awful piece of gossip I read about you.”
“I’m sorry if I hurt you. Doing so was never my intention, but marrying you was impossible and—”
“That’s the heart of it. Isn’t it, Jack? I’m an unsuitable match for most men, but especially for a peer. So why would you tell me you love me now? What on earth am I supposed to do with that knowledge other than suffer more because of it?”
His eyes widened just enough to convey surprise. He clearly did not understand her position, and proceeded to say as much. “I thought you’d be pleased to know I return your affection.”
“Pleased? How can I be pleased when it doesn’t change anything for the better? Unless you have suddenly chosen to make me your wife and have found a way to do so in a manner that will not humiliate Edward or his parents in the process.” When he said nothing, she huffed a breath and turned away, tears stinging her eyes. “Then your declaration makes no difference. At least before you said anything, I could accept the decision I made to marry Edward, but now…”
Jack stepped closer and wound his arms around her, offering strength even as she railed at him. “I’m sorry. I wish I had said something sooner so you could have had the option of being my—”
The abruptness with which he cut himself off made her blink. She swiped her watery eyes with her hand and turned in his arms. Tilting her head back, she gazed up at him, hoping he’d not been about to suggest what she thought. “Of being your what?”
He dipped his head and kissed her. “Nothing, Sophia. It’s too late for that now anyway. I’m sorry.”
She placed her palm against his chest and shoved. “I could have been your what, Jack? Your wife? Because I think we can both agree you would not have proposed, so what were you thinking just now? That I could have lowered myself to be your mistress? Is that it?”
Discomfort seeped into his eyes, giving him a lost sort of look that tore at her heart. She forced herself to stay strong, to put up barriers one by one so she wouldn’t crumble.
“I would have taken care of you,” he whispered.
She stared at him, at the man she loved so desperately she’d have dived into a frozen lake in order to save him, offered her life for his. Only it wasn’t enough. It never had been. “You didn’t even have the courage to tell me how you feel until it was too late.”
“I didn’t realize how I feel, how I have always felt, until now.” He raked his fingers through his hair. Frustration lent a wild expression to his eyes. “I’m sorry, Sophia. For everything.”
“Me too.” What a mess. When she’d risen that morning she’d been satisfied with her decision to marry Edward. Now, she looked forward to a future filled with more regret and heartache than she could bear.
All because Jack claimed he loved her. Because if he really did, then it was worse knowing they were prevented from being together because she wasn’t good enough for him. Accepting that he didn’t want her would have been easier. She would have made peace with that. Now, she feared she would always live with regret.
She crossed to the window and looked out over the dreary landscape. “It looks like the sleet is letting up. I probably ought to get back to the vicarage.”
“Your clothes won’t be dry yet.”
“No, but they won’t get any wetter at this point either, and the last thing I’d want is for Edward to come looking for me and find me here like this with you. He doesn’t deserve that.”
“I know.”
Jack’s words settled heavily on her shoulders. He would not thwart the rules of Society for her, would not stand up to his parents and tell them he would marry her no matter what. It was what she ought to expect, yet it still crushed her heart and numbed her soul. “I’ll get dressed then and be on my way.”
Jack wanted to howl at the injustice of it all. He wanted to drive his fist into something hard until his knuckles bled. Because focusing on that pain would be so much easier than dealing with the shredded remains of his heart.
She was gone.
Without a trace.
He glanced around at the shed’s sparse interior where his clothes still hung to dry. It was almost as if she’d never been there at all – as if their glorious kiss had never happened. Only the fire still burning in the stove served as proof of her recent presence. She’d lit that while he’d seen to Star.
Lord help him, he was an idiot of the worst kind. Instead of correcting the misplaced assumption she’d made about him saying mistress rather than wife, he’d let her think the worst.
Why?
Why hadn’t he told her of his father’s threat or that he’d worked to release himself from it? Why hadn’t he let her know that he was now free to marry the woman of his own choosing?
Because of Edward and because it was simpler. Because breaking off an engagement had consequences. To promise her the moon and the stars when he’d no idea if he could provide them would be unfair. Better then to let her hate him a little longer while he tried to figure things out.
Feeling drained, he forced himself into action. Star would need to be cared for and Jack himself would require a large glass of brandy after what he’d just been through. So he grabbed his still-damp shirt and flung it over his head. A shudder raked through him as cold linen met his warm skin. He moved closer to the stove and put the rest of his clothes on there, then snuffed the flames, removing all lingering evidence of this afternoon’s secret encounter.
“What on earth happened to you?” Felicity asked when he traipsed through the foyer more than one hour later after making sure Star would be cared for by competent stable hands. His boots squelched with every step he took. “Did you fall into the river?”
“No,” Jack grumbled. He walked straight past her and started up the stairs.
“I trust you’ll dry off and return downstairs so you can help entertain our guests?”
“They’re here to see you, not me,” he told her over his shoulder without breaking his stride. Reaching the landing, he took a sharp turn, reached his bedchamber, and disappeared inside. All he wanted right now was to be alone.
Of course, that was impossible with a house full of guests. Especially since the reason he’d returned to Eastgate in the first place was to help entertain them. As he discovered, playing cards and billiards with them actually helped. They were all good sports, entertaining him and his sisters with stories, quelling the ache in his chest enough for him to feel somewhat normal.
“There’s something I need to ask you,” he told Felicity the next day while Kaitlin went for a stroll in the garden with Madsen and Irving. The rest of the gentlemen who’d risen later still sat over breakfast, allowing Jack a rare opportunity to catch his sister alone.
“Yes?” Felicity angled her head with interest. They were in the music room where she’d been practicing one of her favorite pieces as she often did in the mornings.
Jack sat beside her on the bench in front of the piano. “Are you at all interested in any of these men courting you?”
Her lips parted. She blinked a few times. “What a strange question.”
“I simply wonder if there might be someone else, another man who may have caught your interest. Because if there is, I’d hate to see you settle for someone you do not care for.”
Felicity held his gaze a moment, then dipped her chin and gave her attention to the keys. She traced a few of them with her fingers. “Why would you suppose there’s anyone else?”
Unwilling to reveal Sophia’s suggestion there might be, he said, “You just don’t seem as interested in our guests as I thought you would be. Right now, three of them are in the dining room and yet you are here. Alone.”
“You know I always play in the morning.”
“I do.”
“And I am a person of habit, Jack.”
“Agreed.”
When he said nothing further, she eventually told him, “We cannot always have what we want. Can we?”
The hopelessness with which she spoke nearly broke him. It was the same kind of despondent sadness he felt, reflected back at him by one of the people he loved most of all. “Felicity?”
She tried a smile, but it wobbled before disappearing completely. “He and I are all wrong for each other. We always have been, and wishing things were different isn’t going to solve anything. My only recourse is to move on, bury these foolish feelings, and try to be happy with what I have. Which is, in fact, quite a lot when compared with so many others. I’ve no right to complain.”
Nor did he, he supposed. And yet he could not stop himself from feeling as though he was being denied the quintessence of what made life worth living. All because he was privileged. He scoffed and shook his head. What utter tripe.
“What is it?” Felicity asked.
“Nothing,” he said since the alternative would involve him unburdening himself, and that wasn’t something he was ready to do that morning. But maybe she would confide in him? “If there’s anything I can do to help you win the hand of the man who—”
“Thank you, Jack, but there isn’t, and speaking of it will not make that fact any easier.”
“I’m sorry.” Was it just him, or was that becoming the most popular phrase of late?
She offered a smile, turned a page of sheet music, and started on a lively tune.
Jack sat for a moment and watched her play before he stood and went to help Mr. Richmond complete the repairs on his roof as promised. Later, he’d inquire if any of the gentlemen might want to help him fetch a Yule log from the woods. That ought to keep him busy for a few extra hours. Afterward, he’d have to think of something else to take his mind off Sophia, from Felicity’s heartbreaking revelation so similar to his own, and from the weight bearing down on his soul.
Little did he know that things were about to get worse. His parents would not allow him to stay home from church on Sunday. Not when all the guests wished to go and certainly not when he’d always been known to accompany his family to the weekly service. Even when they’d been in London.
So here he was now, gritting his teeth while Mr. Fenmore called the banns for Sophia and Edward. It was horrific. Like a carriage crash he could not look away from. Doing so was made all the harder due to his family’s status, which reserved them seats at the front of the church. As it happened, the spot made available to him today was located immediately behind the vicar’s son and his bride-to-be.
Jack stared at the back of Sophia’s neck, at the way in which her dove-gray bonnet curved along her hairline. Her pelisse collar started one inch lower, but in between, there was a tantalizing display of bare skin. His fingers twitched with the fierce desire to reach up and stroke his way across it. For now that he’d kissed her, held her in his arms and knew how smooth she was to the touch, he was tempted by her more than ever before.
“Jack.”
Kaitlin’s voice, a low whisper, dragged his gaze from the source of his interest. “Yes?”
“Are you all right?”
Not by a long shot. “Yes.”
She frowned at him. “Then why do you look like you’re about to murder someone?”
He scowled at her. “I’m fine.”
Only he wasn’t. His insides were twisted so tightly he could scarcely breathe, his posture so rigid he feared he might snap at any moment. So when the service drew to an end and he had the chance to escape, he took it. Without one word to his parents or siblings or the guests whose company he was meant to keep, Jack left the church and made for the nearest inn.
Which was where Edward found him ten minutes later.
“What’s with you?” he asked once he’d dropped into the chair opposite Jack’s. He gestured for a serving maid to bring another pint of beer. “You’re not really known for your foul moods so why the nasty glower?”
Jack flattened his mouth and did his best to ease the tension putting his body on edge. “It’s just a short spell of irritation. Nothing that won’t sort itself out in time.” He took a sip of his beer and savored the freshness. Edward’s tankard arrived and he too took a swig.
“You’ve also never been much of a liar.” Edward folded his arms on the table and leaned forward. “If I were to guess, I’d say you’re starting to realize you want something that won’t be as easy for you to win as a game of cards or a curricle race.”
“Leave it be, Edward. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I just might have to insist when it concerns me directly.” He raised an eyebrow. “I’m not blind, Jack, and I’ve known you long enough to have a sense of how your mind works.”
Jack snorted in attempt to hide his rising dread. “I doubt that.”
“All right. Let’s put my belief to the test, shall we?” When Jack shrugged, Edward said, “Growing up, you and Sophia were always thick as thieves. She may have been five years younger than us, but her interests always seemed to align with yours. I was the sensible one – the bore, if you will – who always chose to sit quietly with Felicity and Kaitlin while you and Sophia chased each other all over creation. As time went by, Sophia got older. She grew up and transformed, and as she did so, you started seeing her in a new light.”
“I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.”
“No?” Edward gave him a, don’t-take-me-for-a-fool sort of look. “I saw your expression when I escorted her to her first assembly hall dance four years ago. Your eyes lit up, amazement took over, and for the rest of the evening you could not tear your gaze away from her. You danced two sets and then, the very next day, you were gone, as if something had frightened the hell out of you. Perhaps the realization that you were in love with someone you didn’t think you could marry?”
“She was but eighteen years of age,” Jack snapped as the final thread of his frayed control slipped between his fingers. “It would have been wrong to pursue her. It still is, damn it. She’s meant to marry you!”
Edward stared at him with unnerving steadiness. “The only reason I proposed is because you refused to fight for her. If you wish to do so, however, I will step aside.”
Jack caught himself holding his breath and slowly expelled it. “It’s too late for that, isn’t it?”
“It will be once we’re married.”
Dropping his gaze to his tankard, Jack stared into the amber liquid while trying to put his thoughts in order. Four years ago he’d been three and twenty years of age. He’d only just inherited his honorary title after his grandfather’s passing, when his father had become the Earl of Turner. And he’d been painfully aware of the duty his new position demanded. Having his father tell him outright that Sophia would not be an option for him when it came to seeking a wife had been intolerable. Jack had been furious with his father, not because he’d suggested Jack might consider marrying Sophia, but because of the threat.
Or so he’d convinced himself.
In truth, being denied Sophia had been the real heart of the matter, one he’d refused to face. But looking back, it was hard not to when the women he’d bedded in the time since had all had dark blonde hair, just like Sophia. While he’d excused the affairs by telling himself he’d offered each one of these women comfort, the truth was he’d sought it, a means by which to pretend if even for the briefest of moments Sophia was his.
He curled his hand into a tight fist and swore beneath his breath while every belief he’d forced upon himself in recent years began to crumble. His love for Sophia was real and powerful, and no amount of running away would make it vanish.
“I only have two choices.” He raised his gaze to Edward’s.
“Yes?”
“I can either resign myself to a miserable life without her, or I can fight for the future I think we both want. Neither will be easy, but there’s no doubt in my mind as to which road will lead to the greatest reward. If I’m successful.”
“So then?”
“My father will oppose the idea, but it’s not as if I really need his approval.” Now that he had amassed his own fortune, he didn’t need his allowance or the inheritance. “If Sophia and I…” Jack blinked as a crazy idea took root in his brain. He was reaching for straws out of sheer desperation – he knew this – and yet he could not help but ask, “If I were to procure a special license, would you then be able to marry us? I know it’s a great favor to ask, all things considered, but it would allow us to wed before Papa has a chance to react.”
Edward smiled, his mouth stretching wide in a way Jack had never seen before. “I would be honored to officiate.”
“No hard feelings?”
“None whatsoever, provided you don’t muck this up, and you take care to treat her well.”
Jack’s heart began thumping with renewed excitement. “You have my word, Edward. I’ll do my best on both counts.”