Maggie stared up at Susan. God, she’s beautiful. I can’t believe how fucking happy I am. Grinning, she sat up and only briefly wondered what was in the paper. “Any reports that I have been seen with a beautiful woman are true.” She playfully pulled Susan onto the bed, quickly covering her with kisses. Her heart was full.
“You are insatiable.” Susan laughed. Kisses trailing down her neck distracted but did not deter her. “Mmm, I didn’t know you’d made a movie.”
“God, Susan, do you know how sexy…” Susan’s words finally pierced the wall of sexual arousal Maggie felt building. Just as quickly the wall tumbled. Maggie began rummaging through her luggage for her appointment book. “Oh, fuck. Damn, damn, damn. Where the hell is that PDA?”
Susan stared in amazement as a naked and agitated Maggie threw clothes, shoes, and other objects into the air. “Maggie, we need to work on your vocabulary.”
“Oh, shit.” Maggie pulled the PDA out of the depths of clothes. “Fuck! I’m sorry.” She again began digging through her luggage, this time pulling out clothes. “We’ve been so busy. I’d forgotten. I know, how could I forget?” Maggie looked at Susan then groaned. “God, you’re beautiful. How would you like to go to L.A. tomorrow night?” Without waiting for an answer, Maggie rushed over to Susan and began kissing her.
“Stop! Los Angeles? I can’t.” Susan pulled away. “Maggie, stop!”
Maggie sat naked in the bed, pouting.
Susan started again. “What about the movie?”
“I’m sorry. I rely on Maya to make sure I don’t miss appointments. I haven’t talked to her in the last couple of days. The movie opens day after tomorrow. The studio wants it out before the end of the year so it will be eligible for this year’s awards. I finished it so long ago I’d forgotten.”
Susan stared incredulously. “Awards? Movie? How can you forget something this big?”
“To be honest, we’ve been kinda busy.” The blush creeping up Susan’s neck caused Maggie to smile. “Do you know how wonderful you are?” She kissed Susan’s eyes and nose. “Karl left a message a month ago about the opening. He thinks I’ve a good shot at a nomination. But it needs to get exposure in the New York and California markets. We’re doing a media blitz over the holidays and into the first of the year. This,” Maggie paused for effect, “is the official end of my vacation.”
Susan didn’t know how to respond. “An Academy Award nomination?” Susan sputtered. “How can you forget you made a movie that may earn you an Oscar?”
“To be honest, I did it last year. If Maya and Karl hadn’t reminded me, I wouldn’t know what you were talking about.”
“I don’t understand.”
Maggie smiled. “Don’t try to. Karl sent me the script and arranged the screen test. The studio and the director were impressed, but it took time to arrange the financing. We shot the movie and it took a while to edit and get it ready for distribution. Now, will you go? I really want you there.” To emphasize her point, Maggie began caressing Susan’s back and ass. “I really do want you there.”
“Won’t it be awkward? How are you going to justify my presence?”
Maggie hesitated. “It’s okay. No one will think anything. You can be Paul’s date. No one will suspect.”
“Paul’s date? What do you mean no one will suspect?”
“There has been speculation about Paul and Derek, and me, but nothing concrete. Look, I want you to be there for me.” For the first time, she was intentionally mixing the personal and professional parts of her life, and she didn’t want to think about the possible consequences.
“Come on, Maggie. Are you trying to tell me no one has suspected the truth? People in Atlanta were asking questions, and we weren’t that discreet. I know there have been other women.” Susan paused, hoping for a refusal, but continued when Maggie was silent. “People can’t be that naïve.”
“Susan, people believe what they want. You’d be surprised at how many people are still in the closet. Sure, there are suspicions but nothing, and I mean nothing, has ever been confirmed. My staff’s worked hard to make sure there aren’t any rumors that would impact either one of our careers. I’ve been careful to not change that image. What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing. Except you’re living a lie and constantly afraid someone will find out. Is this the way you and Derek want to live? Well, I don’t. I can’t.” She walked to the door. “For most of my life, I thought I needed to live up to others’ expectations. I didn’t want to hurt my parents, so I hung around with a group of friends in high school. In college I finally met a woman I loved but she wanted to tell her parents and my parents about us and I said no. She finally left. I married Cady’s father because I thought it was safer. Right! As soon as he found out I was pregnant, he walked. I tried to be someone I wasn’t, and I was miserable. I can’t live that way.” She couldn’t separate her anger with Maggie from her own struggles with coming out. These were the same arguments she had once used years ago. “I won’t.”
“Damn it, Susan, what do you want me to do? Plead mea culpa? Fuck it, I’ve worked hard. What more do you want me to do?”
“Aren’t you famous enough?”
“What difference does that make? If you don’t toe the line, if you don’t fit the image, the industry kills you. I have been singing and playing clubs and one-night gigs since I was sixteen. Now I’m a fucking overnight whiz. I don’t want to start over.”
“So you want to live a lie so you can be rich and famous?”
“No, I just want to live. What are we supposed to do? When people like Pat Robertson call for a holy war on perverts—that’s you and me, Susan—what do I do? Give some religious zealot a license to shoot me and the people I care about and give them a damn map to make it easier to find my house? I’m not going to do it. I’m a public figure. I don’t like it, but that’s part of the price of success. I have enough problems with crazy fans who like me. I am not putting myself and my loved ones in harm’s way. I won’t let anything, or anyone, harm them. And that includes you.”
The vehemence of Maggie’s protest caused Susan to back up emotionally. “I’m not asking you to out anyone. It was a mistake for me to marry Cady’s dad. When Tom left, my boss told me he was surprised I’d gotten married. You know why? He thought I was gay. I won’t go back.”
Maggie tried to find some common ground. “I’m not asking you to, Susan. It’s not just me, though. What about Derek? How do you think being outed will play in the locker room? Do you think some tough, macho football player is going to like sharing a shower with him? I don’t want him hurt, emotionally or physically. Especially with such little time left in the season.” Maggie wanted an end to this conversation. “Please, a little longer and it won’t make a difference. Derek’s retiring at the end of the season and then it won’t matter as much.” Susan didn’t respond. “Look, just this one thing, okay? Please.” In spite of her fear, Maggie wanted Susan in her life. “Do you want me to beg? I will. Please.”
“I have worked hard to get my life together. Coming out was difficult and I won’t go back. I can’t.”
Maggie sighed. “I understand. I’m not asking you to. And I won’t ask you to lie.” Maggie had lied so much about so many things, she knew truth was difficult. And most of the time she wasn’t sure what was true. She was tired of the deceit, but she wasn’t sure how to change. “I really want you there.”
“Maggie, I don’t know. I need to do some Christmas shopping. Cady and Mom have been troupers…My life has gone to hell, Maggie, and I want some part of it back.”
Maggie had no idea what Susan meant, but the look on her face was enough. “What can I do? What do you want?”
“I want some time to spend with Cady and Mom. I want quiet. I’ve got work that has been left hanging. I want my life the way it was.”
“Let’s bring your mom and Cady with us. We have a huge house. My kids would love being home for a few days. You can use my office and my staff will help any way they can.” Maggie went in search of Maureen. “How would you like to go to L.A. for a few days? A movie I made is opening, and we’ll all go to the premiere.”
“Movie! Absolutely. I can’t wait to tell the girls at my book club.” Maureen danced out of the room. Maggie laughed and returned to find Susan.
Recognizing the effort Maggie was making, Susan gave in. “I need to get some work done.”
“Not a problem.”
*
Once in California, neither Susan nor her mother were prepared for the size of the estate. “Good grief,” Susan gasped. “This is bigger than my high school. Do you provide maps?”
“Mommy, is this a castle?” Cady asked.
“I don’t know, Cady. The only castle I have ever seen was at Disney World.”
“Come on, let me show you around. It really isn’t that big,” Maggie said. For the first time, she began to look at her house through an outsider’s eyes. She was excited when they bought the place, especially with its intact recording studio. Derek installed a gym in another area of the house. She never thought of it as ostentatious, glittery, or any of the other words she associated with success. It was home. Now she realized how she had fallen into the same mold as many other Californians. Bigger is better. She wondered how it had happened.
*
The house was magnificent. Susan recalled touring the Biltmore in Ashville, but this was the first time she’d been in something that someone actually lived in. Even her mother stared in awe.
After a quick tour, Maggie, Susan, and Maureen headed out to buy evening clothes. The next twenty-four hours were a blur. Someone arranged a cocktail party. Maggie and Derek walked around the room greeting people. Maggie was quick to introduce Susan and her mother as their guests. Her mother joined in the festivities as if it were an everyday event.
Susan, however, felt out of place trying to maintain idle chatter with strangers. They were recognizable strangers for the most part. Maggie stopped every few minutes to check on her but then was off again to schmooze with the glitterati. The three-hour time difference between the two coasts finally wore Susan down.
Maya pulled Susan aside. “Come on, I’ll take you to a nice quiet place where you can get some sleep.”
“I need to let Maggie know.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll tell her. Besides, these things usually go really late.”
Maya led her down a series of halls and finally up the stairs. Susan wondered if it was too late to drop breadcrumbs, but she was too tired to search for any. When she finally reached her bedroom, she climbed into bed and was soon fast asleep.
Strange dreams haunted her sleep, and in the morning she was still exhausted. Struggling awake, she dressed and managed to find her mother in the kitchen talking to one of the cooks. Susan grabbed some coffee and sat and listened to the conversation. Her respite from chaos ended when Maggie entered the room.
“What happened to you? Where have you been?” Maggie slipped her arms around Susan and nuzzled her neck. “I missed you,” she said. “Maureen, would you mind if I borrow your daughter? I assure you my intentions are entirely dishonorable.”
Her mother laughed and nodded, much to Susan’s chagrin.
For the next three hours, Maggie showed no signs of fatigue. Susan again found herself easily aroused by Maggie and reveled in the passionate depths they explored. Only the alarm going off at eleven halted the lovemaking.
“Who committed us to this insane opening tonight? God, I don’t want to get up.” Maggie’s hand lazily roamed up and down Susan’s thigh.
Susan watched Maggie’s hand and realized how easy it was to love her. Her enthusiasm, her passion, her childlike curiosity, her talent. Her tenderness, her kindness, her attentiveness. Yet I have never heard her say she loves me. Nor has she ever talked about the future. Our future.
*
After lunch, the adults adjourned to dress for the big premiere. In high school, Susan once took forty-five minutes to get ready for a date. This particular afternoon was in another league. There were people who specialized in every part of the body. She compared herself to the Tin Man, with mechanics working on every inch. Her mother was thrilled with the attention, but Susan was more bewildered. By evening, they were coifed, painted, dressed, and bejeweled.
Susan stared at herself in the mirror, not sure who that woman was. The image was a sophisticated creature unafraid of anything. Diamonds dangled from her ears, surrounded her neck, and even glittered in her hair. The soft, flowing white designer dress adorned a body totally unfamiliar. This woman was beautiful.
Her mother walked into the room and Susan realized how her mother must have enchanted her father. The young, beautiful, redheaded Maureen, full of life and mischief, was easily recognizable, even after all these years. For the first time Susan wished she was more like her mom.
Susan walked out to where everyone was gathering. When she saw Maggie, she stopped, unable to move. Maggie was stunning dressed in a beautiful long, red, low-cut evening dress with a sexy slit up one side. Susan had trouble breathing. She desperately wanted to make love to her, but she wasn’t sure how to get out of her own dress. “You’re gorgeous. I just realized I’ve never seen you in a dress, and you are beautiful.”
Maggie laughed. “Thank you. Don’t get too excited. I don’t really do dresses. You, however, were made for that gown.” She swallowed hard. “You take my breath away.”
“Thank you. You make me feel beautiful.”
At five thirty, the limousine arrived to take them to the party. First cocktails, then the movie, then the after-movie party. As she walked into the theater, Susan was handed a pen and a piece of paper. Seeing the panic on Susan’s face, Maggie laughed and quickly grabbed the items and signed them. Once inside Susan looked around and realized this was Ed’s dream—to be in a group like this. If he were here, he’d be working this room and have half a dozen phone numbers and appointments by now. Several recognizable people wandered around chatting with other glamorous people. Maggie and Derek were greeted by everyone.
While Derek and Maggie worked the room, Paul escorted Maureen and Susan to a bar and offered each a glass of wine. “Stick to this. It’s safer than most of these exotic drinks you’ll find around here.” He took Susan’s hand and pointed out various people. In the presence of such luminaries, Susan was awestruck.
“Maggie’s agent is good at arranging these things.” Paul smiled behind his wineglass. “Half the people here have never met Maggie, and many of the males are more interested in meeting Derek and talking football, especially with the Raiders playing so well.”
“How do you stand this? Look at my mom. She acts like she knows these people.”
“Your mom is a charmer, Susan. They probably think she is somebody or has connections. And even if she doesn’t, she is enchanting. After this season, Derek is planning on a much simpler life. He’s had enough.”
The lights dimmed and everyone entered the theater. Her mother, firmly ensconced in the middle of the group, leaned over to speak to Susan. “I can’t believe we’re here. I’m so excited.”
“Me too, Mom.” Susan squeezed her mother’s hand as the movie began. Maggie was quite good. Susan wondered if there was anything she couldn’t do. As Susan observed the familiar head tilt as Maggie talked to her on-screen mother, Susan wanted to reach over and touch her.
The movie ended to great applause. Derek hugged Maggie. “Mags, I am so proud of you. It’s every bit as good as Karl said it was.” He kissed her cheek as Maggie beamed. For a moment Susan felt very alone.
Paul grabbed Susan and her mother. “Come on. That was the easy part. Now we schmooze and wait for the early reviews. And if you two lovely women are lucky, we’ll actually get something to eat.” He deftly led them out of the crowd and to the waiting limousine. Fifteen minutes later Maggie and Derek finally climbed in.
The rest of the evening was another Maggie tornado. First cocktails, then a late dinner at some fancy, well-known restaurant where they were soon surrounded by a supportive crowd. Then dessert, coffee, more cocktails, and more talking. People wished Maggie, the producer, the director, and anyone else good luck, offered comments about the movie, or just stopped to gossip.
“M.J., this will be a hit.” Maggie’s agent was jumping in and out of his chair greeting people. “We’ll set up Leno and some other West Coast interviews, then go to New York and do Letterman and the Today show. How about it? I’ve got to make some calls in the morning, but I can confirm a few more.”
Maggie sipped her drink and greeted another well-wisher. Alone for a moment, she turned to Karl, “I don’t want to fly back and forth. Tell me again why I’m doing this?”
“M.J., you agreed to promote the movie when we signed the contract to do it. It’s great for you and the movie.”
“You know I hate talking to people. Derek, I’m nervous.”
“Mags, you’ll do fine,” Derek said. “You and Susan go.”
She crossed her arms. “I’ve gone to all your NFL awards banquets, your team parties, and the team family get-togethers. Why can’t you go with me?”
“You’re perfectly capable of handling this. And, no, you haven’t been to all my awards banquets. Nice try. How many times have you been on the road or had a conflict? Especially of the female gender.” Maggie couldn’t deny his accusations.
Watching them, Susan wondered again how she fit into their life. More unanswered questions. Finally fatigue kicked in. Her mom’s yawning gave Susan an excuse. “Paul, can you take Mom and me back to Maggie’s? We’re both tired.”
“Susan, please stay,” Maggie said. “We can send your mom home in the limo or Paul could go with her. Please stay.”
Susan was tired. The swirl of emotions had depleted her reserve. She desperately needed some sleep. “We’ll see you later. Good night, Derek.”
As Susan and Maureen left with Paul, Maggie’s emotions were tumultuous. She wanted Susan to stay and was afraid she would.
“Mags,” Derek said, “there’s a reporter here from the NBC affiliate. He’s coming over to talk to us.” Derek pointed to a smiling, young attractive man headed their way. “He’s been at the practice field asking questions.”
Maggie nodded and sighed. “I hate talking to the press. Urrrrgh.” As the reporter reached her, Maggie turned on the charm but waited for him to begin the questioning.
“Ms. Carson, my name’s Randy Beaman. I’m a reporter with KMBC. Your movie performance is amazing, especially for a newcomer.”
“Thank you. I take that as a compliment.” Maggie spoke in a friendly voice, controlling the seething desire to strangle the pest. Newcomer! she thought. You haven’t done your homework. “I was fortunate to have a good script and an excellent director and costar.” And I worked fourteen to eighteen hours each day.
“Our station would like to get you in for an interview.” The young reporter spoke with certainty, clearly confident M.J. Carson would not turn him down.
Maggie wanted to smack the smug prick, but she spoke calmly. “Mr. Beaman, I can’t imagine what you could find interesting about me. Thank you so much for the offer. If you still insist on talking to a novice like me, that’s Karl, my manager.” Maggie pointed to the corner where Karl held court. “Set it up with him. Excuse me, but I want to thank my director. Derek, have I introduced you to Mr. Walden?” Grabbing his arm, she walked off. “Asshole,” Maggie muttered only loud enough for Derek to hear. “Newcomer, right!”
“Come on,” Derek said, “forget him. Thinks he’s the next Hemingway.”
“I’ve always loved your sense of humor. Come on, let me introduce you to my director.” After introducing Derek to the director, Maggie wandered off and found Maya. “Did you pick up the packages?”
“Yeah, I’ve got them in the car. Do you want them now? I wasn’t sure if you wanted to wear them tonight or not, so I brought both packages. Do you want them now?”
“Just give them to me before the reviews come out.”
“I can drop them off tomorrow,” Maya said.
“No! I want them tonight.”
Maya went and retrieved the packages. Maggie smiled when she thought about surprising Susan. For the first time in her life, she’d thoroughly enjoyed shopping. She wanted to give Susan something to show her how much she cared about her. It was exciting to pick something so personal. Maggie grinned, imaging Susan’s reaction to the surprise.
*
During the drive back to Maggie’s, Susan allowed her imagination and fears to slowly take control. When she failed to pay attention to the conversation in the limo, she attributed it to her physical state. “I’m just tired. I just need some sleep.”
As they entered the house, Paul asked, “Susan, is something wrong?”
“It’s…nothing.” Tears threatened. Susan looked up at him. “How do you do this? Go to these parties and pretend to be just another hanger-on.”
“I know this is business for them. When the lights and crowd are gone, I know what I have. That’s all I need.”
“That’s fine, but I don’t know what she wants.”
“I’ve not known Maggie very long, but I know that you’re important to her. In the four years since I met her, you’re the first person she has spent any time with and who’s actually met her family. I also know that she often doesn’t know what she wants and sometimes gets caught up in her own P.R. Then her insecurities take control. When that happens, she just has difficulty letting people know that she cares.” Paul gave her a brief hug and went to his room.
Susan quietly walked with her mother. When they reached Maureen’s room, Susan stopped.
“Do you want to talk?” Maureen asked.
Susan had always appreciated her mother’s concern. This time she wasn’t sure if talking to her mother would help. “I’m fine, Mom. Just tired.”
“Maggie loves you. I have no doubt about that.”
“How can you be so sure?”
Her mother had no trouble answering, “Honey, all you have to do is see how she looks at you to know how she feels. And when I see the two of you together, I know it will work. Be patient. True love is worth it.”
“I didn’t know you were such a romantic.”
“Talk to her, Susan.” Maureen brushed the hair on Susan’s forehead. “If we’re lucky, we’ll have one great love in our lives. Someone who will make us feel weak in the knees and laugh with us. And if we’re blessed with that kind of love, we may have to work to keep it.”
Susan stared at her mom. She kissed her cheek, said good night, then stumbled into bed. As she closed her eyes, she acknowledged that Maggie did make her feel weak in the knees and totally out of control. One question nagged her as she fell asleep: Why can’t she tell me if she loves me?
*
Warm breaths trailing down Susan’s back gently drew her from sleep. Without opening her eyes, Susan rolled onto her back. As fingers danced across her stomach, she recognized the nascent arousal. She opened her eyes and found herself staring up into Maggie’s smiling face.
“Hi, gorgeous.” Maggie placed a box filled with long stem roses on Susan’s chest. “Guess what? They love it. Every one of the reviews was glowing.” She traced kisses down Susan’s cheek, neck, and shoulders. “Here. These are for you. I just wanted to say thank you for being here with me.”
Susan sat up and opened the box of roses. On top was a smaller box. Childlike joy danced across Maggie’s face. Susan slowly opened the smaller box. Inside was a pair of beautiful diamond earrings. They were at least a carat each and expensive.
“Do you like them?” When Susan nodded, Maggie was thrilled. “Good, because there’s another box in there with something that matches.” Impatient with Susan’s slow searching, she pulled the second small box out. She opened it to reveal a diamond solitaire ring.
“Maggie, I can’t. This is too much.”
“Yes, you can. Try it on and I’ll get it sized if it doesn’t fit. I tried one of yours on and kind of judged the size from that.” Maggie lifted the ring out of the box and nervously played with it. Her expression became serious. “I wanted some way to tell you how I feel. For the first time, I think about things I want to do for us.” Maggie slid the ring on Susan’s left hand. “Do you know how good that feels? To have an us?” She played with the ring as she spoke. “I want you to wear this, so that no matter where I am or what I am doing, you can think of me and I will be a part of you. I want you to know how much you mean to me.”
This unexpected expression of feeling touched something deep inside Susan. A place no one else had ever come near. Maggie took Susan into her arms and murmured lists of things she adored about her. Susan relaxed into the embrace. Still she questioned what she was hearing. With all the women she can have, why me? Before she could come up with an answer, Susan’s body demanded attention. Her breathing became rapid and a moan slipped out.
“I want to make mad, passionate love for the next three days.”
“I thought you had dates with Katie, Dave, and Jay.” Susan found talking difficult. “Aren’t they going to occupy your time this week?”
“M-m-m-m! You taste wonderful”
Susan tried one more time before she lost all sense of anything except Maggie’s hands and lips. “What about your interviews?”
“Damn, you are the most persistent person.” Maggie laughed. “You are incredible. Okay, we’re staying here until the day after tomorrow and I’ll do two interviews and Leno tomorrow, then we head for New York. Interviews for two days and then back to Orlando by Friday. I promise. Okay?”
Susan nodded but she doubted if she would remember what was said. She was caught in a tornado and knew it was not the time to discuss the changing wind direction. Heated kisses erased all thoughts but the feeling of Maggie’s lips. Her lips and hands caressed, teased, and played. Susan’s body might have been exhausted but her libido was just awakening. Her body was on fire. Maggie’s fingers brushed against the inside of Susan’s thigh. Susan was losing control. She pushed the hand closer to her center, wanting relief.
Susan cried out as she let go. Her arms tightly around Maggie, she whispered, “Mags, I love you. I love you.”