After the Pro Bowl was over, Derek told Maggie he was retiring from professional football. Maggie, half listening, thumbed through a trade magazine, as he talked about his choices for the future. Her own life no longer seemed safe, or secure.
“Maggie,” he continued, “Paul and I are thinking of taking some time off with the kids and going on a cruise for a few days. After we get back, I’m going to San Diego to talk to my parents.”
“What’s up?”
“I don’t want them to be surprised or have to react in case they have to deal publicly with my being gay. Now that the NFL is over, I don’t have to lie anymore.”
Panic flooded Maggie’s every nerve fiber until she was drowning in fear. “Why now? What difference does it make?”
“This lying and side-stepping rumors has put a lot of stress on my relationship with Paul, with you, and even on your relationship with Susan. Paul has been patient, but I’m not taking any chances. I love him, Maggie, and I don’t want to lose him.”
Maggie stared, speechless. She desperately missed Susan, but she didn’t know how to reach across the chasm between them. Once again loneliness enveloped her. “I guess it’s fine,” she mumbled. “I didn’t know you were going…I kind of thought…”
“Thought what?”
“Since your parents have such strong feelings about you being gay, why would you care about telling them? They’ve never supported you or your lifestyle when you first came out to them.”
“My parents may not approve, but I still want to tell them again. They may not be the best parents but they’re the only ones I have.”
“Do you really want to come out publicly?”
Derek hesitated. “I’ve been asking myself the same question. I don’t know if I’ll come out with some big announcement, but I won’t lie if asked. How about you?”
Maggie didn’t want to think about coming out. She quickly changed the subject. “Hey, maybe we can all fly down to Florida together and spend a couple of days playing before I start my tour.”
“How is the tour preparation going?”
“I’m scared.” The words flew out before she could edit them. “The concerts I’ve done are short. Like the AIDS benefits. I don’t know if I can do it day after day. Suppose I can’t keep up the pace? Suppose I’m not that good anymore? Suppose I—”
“Are you sure you want to do this tour? We have enough money, neither one of us ever has to work again.”
“I can’t quit now. We’ve got too many dates booked. What happens if I screw up?”
“The audience won’t care. They’ll still love you. But if this is really bothering you, why don’t you call your agent and have him not book any more dates? We can have time to relax together. You know—like a family.”
Maggie laughed. “So traditional. That’s one of the things I love about you. You still haven’t answered my question about us doing something before I leave on tour.”
The enjoyment of planning a family outing was cut short when Derek mentioned having Susan join them.
“Why?” Maggie asked. “Can’t we just make it our family?”
“I thought you would want to see her. Besides, whether you like it or not, Susan is part of our family. If we go back to Florida, the kids will want to see Susan and Cady. They’ve been asking all week when Cady is coming to visit.”
“Forget it. It’s a stupid idea.” Maggie turned and began to climb the stairs to her room.
“Why not?”
Maggie was silent. The possibility that Susan might not want to see her had been avoided. The hole inside her was becoming a bottomless chasm. “Do you think Susan loves me?”
“Susan loves you. You, however, tend to be a steamroller. Susan could be feeling hurt.”
“Hurt? What about me? I was only trying to give her what she wanted. It was a safe place to live.”
“Maybe she had a different idea about living together and safety. Maybe she has a different feeling about gratitude.”
“I don’t want her damn gratitude.” Sighing, she asked, “Do you really think she still cares?”
“You need to ask her, not me. Whatever you two decide, it’s unfair to the kids for them not to spend time together. What I know about Susan, I don’t think she turns her feelings off that easily.”
*
Susan stood in the lounge of Executive Airport, questioning her sanity. She was meeting Maggie, Derek and the kids. “I don’t know why I allowed myself to be talked into this. They could have rented a car. We could have met in a more public place. Where, Ms. Know-it-all? The zoo? That would be a good place. We could be the exhibit.” When she stopped her pacing she noticed people staring at her. Great, they probably think I’m crazy and dangerous. Talking to myself.
She glanced out a window and watched a sleek twin-engine Learjet gracefully land. She wanted to run, but the only part of her that was moving was her stomach—up and down, up and down. It’s an ordinary plane. Yes, but there is nothing ordinary about one of its passengers.
The private jet taxied to the gate. Susan held her breath as the door opened and the passengers deplaned. I can do this. I can do this. One part of Susan recognized that she was madly in love with this Maggie. Another part wanted to strangle this self-centered, overbearing ego.
Derek opened the door as the ground crew ran over to assist. Once the plane was secured, he stepped out of the open door with D.J. and Beth pulling on his hands. Next Maggie appeared. She hesitated just briefly, looking around before descending the stairs. Susan’s throat was dry and her heart raced. Even at this distance, Susan felt the heat building in her body. She couldn’t hide the incredible hold Maggie had on her heart and her body. Susan saw no one else until the group disappeared into the gate entrance. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and whispered, “Maggie’s here.”
A large group entered the terminal, but all Susan saw was Maggie. She was breathtaking, dressed in jeans, a blue broadcloth button-down shirt, and gray blazer. This was the woman she had first met. Susan didn’t miss the fact that Maggie looked thinner and tired. At that moment, Susan wanted to be in her arms, the two of them holding each other and talking.
“Thank you for meeting us,” Paul said as he hugged Susan and Cady. This was soon followed with hugs from Derek and the children. Only Maggie hung back, not moving or speaking. Susan’s heart was in free fall. She must still be angry.
Automatic pilot kicked in. “I’ve made arrangements for a rental car. They just need to see a driver’s license.”
“Great,” Derek said. “Why don’t you, Maggie, and the kids head out to the house and Paul and I will take care of the rental car? We’ll take the luggage with us.” Susan nodded. Once they were in the car, she realized how much more painful it was to have Maggie sitting next to her but not talking. Susan’s heart was breaking.
*
Maggie stared out the window, regretting the trip. From the moment she saw Susan in the terminal, she knew she’d made a mistake. The look on her face was all she needed to know that Susan didn’t care. It’s only three days, and then I’ll be on tour. Hurt and rejection dropped in her lap. These were familiar enemies. She fought hard for some semblance of control.
“How’s your mom?” Maggie asked.
“Fine. She’s anxious to see you.”
“I’ve missed her.”
“She’s missed you. We…we all have.”
Maggie looked to see if Susan was including herself in the “we.” “I…I’ve missed you too. So have the kids.” Both defenses were still intact, but a crack was found. By the time they arrived home, light was slipping in the crack.
Maureen warmly greeted Maggie and the children and directed them into the house. Sounding like a general organizing her troops and their movements, she gave orders and directions, telling them to hurry or they would miss lunch.
The day passed quickly with much chattering and laughter. Even Susan and Maggie got into a playful mood. It wasn’t until bedtime that everyone realized General Maureen had also carefully orchestrated sleeping arrangements. When Maggie asked about the location of her luggage, Maureen replied, “Why, I put it up in your and Susan’s room. You two run up and get to bed. We have a long day tomorrow. You both have work in the morning and then we have plans for the rest of the day.”
Maureen, Paul, and Derek made their exit, claiming to be tired. Maggie and Susan were left standing at the bottom of the stairs.
Hesitantly, Susan spoke. “I didn’t…I mean, I can sleep downstairs.”
Maggie fumbled for a reply. For the last three hours, she had thought of Susan and what it would be like to be lying next to her, talking and holding her. To really hold her. This was not a step in that direction. “No, that’s not fair. This is your house. I’ll sleep down here.”
“No, this is your house too. It was your money that bought it.”
“There are enough bedrooms we don’t have to fight over which one to sleep in. This is our house. I wanted someplace we could both live safely. Am I that bad a person that we can’t share the same bedroom, much less the same house?”
“No, Maggie, you’re a good person. I’m sorry. I know you were trying to be helpful. I overreacted. I don’t deal well with change, but I’m getting used to it. Well, I’m trying to get used to it.”
Maggie smiled at that comment. “I owe you an apology too. There was no reason for me being such an asshole. I wouldn’t even listen to you.”
“But I wasn’t even giving you the chance. I—”
Maggie held up her hand. “Are we arguing over who should apologize?”
Susan smiled and Maggie felt the warmth crawling into her aching heart. “I hope not. That’s bad.”
Susan put out her hand, “Can we go upstairs and talk? I would really prefer sitting down. I’m tired.”
Maggie just nodded and walked quietly up the stairs. Letting time, and sharing, heal some of the distance, they talked and held hands. “I’ve thought about you every day.”
“Me too,” Susan said. “I try to imagine what you are doing. We get the press info about your tour at the office. Ed, of course, is in heaven with all the new business coming in.” She paused and stared, trying to memorize every feature. “You are so attractive.”
“Thank you.” For the first time in her life, Maggie believed it. She yawned and pulled Susan closer. When Susan put her head on Maggie’s shoulder, Maggie felt the tension in her body escape and she allowed sleep to capture her. It was the first moment of peace she had felt in some time.
Early the next morning, Maggie awoke feeling chilled. Pulling the covers over her, she realized she was on top of the blanket and, lying next to her, was Susan. In a brief moment of vulnerability she was aware of the depth of her feeling, but she was unsure what to do about it. She leaned forward and gently kissed Susan.
Susan, more asleep than awake, stirred and put her arms around Maggie and pulled her close. Susan touched her lips to Maggie’s and the women were quickly drowning in each other. Susan wanted her and Maggie could feel it. Confused by the intensity of her feelings, Maggie tried to ignore that knowledge, losing herself instead in the experience of the passion. They knew each other so well, drawing on that familiarity to each lead and follow. Few words passed, only sounds of encouragement and completion. At six a.m., they fell back into a sound sleep. At seven thirty, the general arrived at the door and announced breakfast.
“Mmm. I don’t think I can move,” Maggie whispered, pulling Susan closer.
“I know I don’t want to. What time is it anyway?”
“Seven thirty-five. Eastern Time!”
“Why did I tell Ed we’d meet him at ten?” She listened for the returning warning steps of her mother. A knock on the door assured her she would not be going back to sleep that morning.
“We’re awake!”
“Just checking. Better hurry if you’re going to eat before you leave for work.”
Susan pulled Maggie closer. “Let’s dine in bed. We can have the contracts brought here and we’ll sign them in bed. And then we can have lunch in bed. You are on my menu!”
“We…We…I mean, you want Ed, Paul, and Maya here?”
“I can’t have Ed, Paul, and Maya in here. But I do want you.”
Touching Susan and kissing her bare shoulder, Maggie was becoming aroused. “No one will come in until we’re ready to come out.” She tried to work down to a waiting breast only to find it slide away from her as Susan slid out of bed.
“Come on, let’s take a shower,” Susan said.
Susan felt alive. The water was beginning to turn chilly when they exited the shower, but Susan barely noticed. She was warm from head to toe. It was during these private times that she most appreciated Maggie. The real Maggie, as she was wont to describe her.
By nine, Paul, Maggie, and Susan were headed to the office. Maggie again was the star as she entered the office and greeted the staff by name. Ed led them into the conference room where they reviewed the contracts. By quarter to ten, the new investors were shown in and conversation became intense. At noon Paul said, “I think we have a deal.” Lunch and more talk followed. Finally, at three thirty, the meeting ended with all parties agreeing to meet for dinner the following night at the exclusive Harbor Club in Sanford.
*
As the time for Maggie to leave grew closer, she acknowledged the increasing tension build. “Why won’t you come with me?” Maggie asked.
“I have a job. I have a child. I can’t just pick up and leave.”
“I’m part of your job. You know Ed won’t mind. I want us to be together.”
“Don’t start, Maggie. I can do so much more for you if I’m here. Besides, I’m just getting caught up from the last time you and I traveled. I was so far behind in my work.”
“I could get behind you and we could have some fun.”
“Sweetheart, this is my job. Besides, I don’t want to be a groupie or a rowdy or whatever.”
Laughing, Maggie resumed packing. “It’s roadie. And you would never be a groupie…or whatever. You are one of the stubbornest, most determined, most beautiful, most wonderful women I have ever known. When you’re not around, I sometimes close my eyes and imagine you being in the room. I can actually see you walking across the room with that absentminded look you sometimes get. I watch the way you turn your head when you’re really listening—like right now. Sometimes I can even feel you lying next to me and hear your excited breathing when we make love. But being a groupie—not in my wildest dreams.”
Susan felt a lump in her throat, realizing Maggie had revealed more about herself and her feelings in a few short minutes than in hours of talking. “I love you, Margaret Carson-Baxter.” Susan kissed her palm and then her wrist, feeling the pulse beneath her lips beating rapidly. She was feeling aroused but something much more intense was slowly seeping through her body. I want you to love me, Maggie. Maybe, if I love you enough, I can help you heal. As Susan kissed and caressed her, she felt Maggie emotionally drift away. No! I won’t let you go. Susan pulled Maggie close. “I love you.”
*
The next morning Maggie was distant and quiet. Her leaving felt like more than just a physical leaving. Susan wanted to grab Maggie and beg her to stay, to wake up with her every day, to live together. This is crazy. It’s just a tour. Susan walked out of the room, wishing this was a work day.
Maggie was immobile, feeling insecure. Dealing with her own emotions, much less someone else’s was unfamiliar territory. She resorted to the familiar—she grabbed her bags and headed downstairs. She spent the remaining time with her kids and Maureen, hoping Susan would at least come to say good-bye. When the guard at the main gate announced the limo, Maggie felt more pain than she could remember. She still didn’t understand Susan’s unwillingness to travel with her. Susan had become such a part of her life. Maggie wasn’t sure how she would cope without her.
As Maggie opened the front door, Susan finally appeared, as if she knew it was time to say good-bye. She waited until everyone else had said their good-byes. “I’m sorry. I got something for you and hid it, then I couldn’t find it. I just want you to know I’ll miss you.” Susan wiped the tears and watched as Maggie opened the dark velvet box. Inside was a white gold ring with both of their birth stones around a diamond. Inside was inscribed: “Deep inside me.”
When she read the inside of the ring, Maggie felt her life shifting. “Thank you. This is the nicest…thank you.” She hugged Susan and fought back the loneliness threatening to steal away the joy now occupying her heart.
“That’s where you will be,” Susan whispered into her ear. “Always.”
“Me too.” Maggie pulled away and walked quickly to the car. She climbed into the limo, refusing to look back. She feared she wouldn’t be able to leave.
As the limo drove out of sight, Susan tried to make sense of the emotional turmoil. Susan, just shut up and learn to accept.