Benjamin
The doctor’s lounge at the hospital is no frills. There’s a small kitchen in the form of a refrigerator, stove, a microwave, and a long counter with a sink. Upon the counter also rests a Keurig coffee maker. It’s a place where the doctors can have some privacy while they eat a snack or a hasty meal, rather than using the hospital cafeteria. Because most of the doctors like to socialize, they’ll often use the cafeteria, so this place tends to stay empty.
I’d sucked down two protein shakes I had brought with me this morning and I’ve got about another twenty minutes before my next surgery. I’m spending the better part of my time scrolling on my phone and thinking of Elena.
Last night at her house was fun, and that’s not something I’ve had a lot of lately.
Let’s face it… the sex was the best part. But there was actual joking and laughing while we played with strawberries and whipped cream. It was fun, jovial, low pressure, and sticky.
And I didn’t want to leave, goddamn it. I wanted more time with her. I’m not sure if it was for the sex or the laughter or perhaps even both. But it took a lot of effort to walk out of her place.
The point is, I’m starting to feel again. While it’s scary as fuck, I admit I like it.
Admit I’ve missed it.
Every moment I spend with Elena feels like I’m walking through a tunnel with her. There’s a light at the end. Every time we fuck, laugh, kiss, stare at each other… the light gets brighter and brighter. The moments with her lead me closer to it.
After I had woken up this morning and gotten out of the shower, I checked my text and was pleasantly surprised to see one from her.
I feel so refreshed after a good night of sleep last night. I am so ready for you in the WH tonight.
There was no stopping the smile that came to my face. The joy that bubbled inside, knowing that in less than half a day, I would be in her presence again.
Can’t wait, I typed back.
I went to set my phone down so I could get dressed, but she immediately responded. It didn’t irritate me, nor did it feel like she was taking up my time. I snatched the phone back up, eager to see what she would say. Thought maybe we could invite another woman or two to join us tonight.
A jolt went through my body at what she was suggesting, but I had to take a moment to think about it. Let’s face it… there’s not a man I know who would turn his nose up at such an offer.
And yet, after a bit of thought, I texted back, Not interested.
Not even a little, I realize.
There have been a few occasions at The Wicked Horse where I’ve had two women at the same time. It was fun. I got my rocks off.
But I’m not interested now. I only want Elena. I don’t know if it means forever because that would be a poor bet to make in my situation. But that’s the way it is now.
She responded, Good answer. See you tonight.
Yes, she would. I’m thinking we are long overdue for a little bit of exhibitionism. While everything we’ve done lately at the club has been outside of the private rooms in The Apartments, I was thinking of a bigger display. Maybe one of the new sex machines Jerico put in at The Silo. Or maybe I’ll get her off with my hand in the Social Room. Sex is not off-limits there, but it usually doesn’t happen. It would guarantee many eyes would be on us. I can certainly say it appeals to my ego, having everyone watch and knowing Elena is mine… if only for a moment.
Two vaguely familiar doctors walk into the lounge. Orthopedics, I think. A man and a woman who are chattering away.
Based on purely a glance, I can tell by the expressions on their faces that my reputation of being an asshole precedes me. They try to avoid eye contact, but not before I give them an engaging smile. They blink, jaws dropping slightly, before hastily turning away.
I snicker, getting a little bit of amusement over how discombobulating a smile can be.
The two doctors grab their food out of the refrigerator, then move clear across the room to sit away from me. The lounge is still small enough I can clearly hear them as they start talking.
I continue to scroll through my phone and eavesdrop, because I’ve got nothing better to do. I need to push my thoughts of Elena aside, otherwise I’ll be walking through the hospital corridors with a hard-on.
The male doctor launches into a complaint I only half pay attention to. It has to do with his ex-wife.
Whatever.
“I had it all planned out,” he tells the female doctor. “I was going to take him fishing. I requested this weekend off eons ago, and she agreed to it. And now she’s saying I can’t have him because it’s not my normal weekend.”
So much drama. Rolling my eyes, I turn over to the weather app to look at the forecast for the next few days. I was thinking about getting my boat out of storage to take it out on the lake. Maybe I’ll even invite Elena.
“I’m so sorry,” the female doctor says in commiseration. “Of all the weekends she would do this to you.”
“Right?” the male doctor demands. “Father’s Day should inherently go to me, don’t you think?”
My entire body locks tight, and I look over at the doctors. Father’s Day?
I didn’t know that. Had no reason to. I don’t pay attention to holidays these days. I only look at my surgical schedule, my patient schedule, and that’s it.
Father’s Day.
I’d only celebrated five with Cassidy. Last year, I’d still been immersed in closing myself off from the world, doing outpatient rehab, and working insane hours. I hadn’t even known what had happened. Looking back, I’m quite sure most people made sure to stay clear of me, making sure not to mention it.
If these two fuckers hadn’t walked in, I probably would have been oblivious about it this weekend, too.
I’m not prepared for the overwhelming sadness sweeping through me. I’ve managed to put Cassidy out of my mind for the most part, and I’m not quite prepared to handle the resurgence of her memory. The mere thought of what I will never have with her again is crushing. I had moved her and April into my “past life,” where I keep them securely tucked away and treasure them from afar. I’ve had to accept I had five amazing years with Cassidy and nine with April, but that time is over now.
It’s fucking over, and I’ll never feel Cassidy put her hands on my face and whisper, “I love you, Daddy, to the moon and back,” or have her crawl in bed with me and April on a Saturday morning to cuddle and watch cartoons, or ask me to fix her little scrapes with Band-Aids because I’m a doctor and Mommy isn’t, and—
The pain hits me like a burning fire through every molecule of my body. Worse than I ever felt when my mom first told me April and Cassidy had died. At least back then, I was under the heavy influence of narcotic drugs to dull my physical pain. It had made it a little bit easier to cope with the devastating news.
But now, this pain is oppressive, and I feel like I’m drowning. It’s even worse than how I felt when the judge convicted Pettigrew and sent him to prison for killing my family. He hadn’t shown a shred of remorse. I’d wanted to kill him, but I couldn’t. It had hurt so bad I’d never wanted to feel pain like that again.
But right now? Thinking about Father’s Day, how I’m all alone, and how Cassidy is dead makes me feel like I might be dying right now. The pain is that devastating.
“Fuck,” I mutter as I push up quickly from the table. The plastic chair I’d been sitting in flips backward. The other two doctors look concerned, but they don’t say a word.
I stumble past the table, then out of the lounge. I don’t even know where I’m going. Walking like a drunk, I careen off walls. Suddenly, I realize I left my cane back in the lounge.
Fuck it.
There’s a men’s bathroom up ahead. I push through the door, stumbling toward the sink. After I turn the cold water on, I throw handfuls of it into my face, realizing I’m gasping for breath.
Panicking.
I don’t how to deal with this pain.
“Goddamn it,” I roar as I stare at my reflection in the mirror. A crazy man glares back. “Get a fucking grip, Benjamin.”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I take several deep breaths. I will myself to move past the panicky feeling of losing everything that is important in my life again.
Why is this happening? Why now?
I suck in another deep breath, holding it deep in my lungs until my eyes start to water from the effort, then I let it back out slowly. When I force myself to look at my reflection again, the answer is clear.
This is happening because of Elena. She had opened me up.
Made me reach for possibilities.
She’d burrowed her way into my life, and I’d thought she might be an angel sent to rescue me.
A mirthless laugh erupts from within me. I give myself a chastising head shake in the mirror.
“She’s no angel,” I tell myself. “Because there is no God.”