Benjamin
It’s a perfect Fourth of July, and it’s all because of Elena.
Yes, the sun is shining brightly, though sometimes blotted out by fluffy pristine clouds against a crystal blue sky.
Yes, I’ve found the perfect little cove on Lake Mead to toss anchor where we can take a break from skiing and the other revelers on the lake to have some privacy with each other.
Yes, every day I spend with her, I become more enchanted. I don’t regret my decision to let things progress with her.
And yes… my life seems to be taking an upswing because of this woman.
I try to just enjoy the sun. Let myself get lost in the music. I’ve got my earbuds on, my favorite classic rock playlist blaring, and I’m reclined on one of the padded benches just chilling.
Elena is on the bow of the boat, stretched out on a towel and working on a glorious tan. While the cove we’re in is private enough, it’s not completely secure. Otherwise, I’d encourage her to go full nude. As it is, the little string bikini she’s wearing makes me happy to stare at the absolute perfection of her body while knowing it’s all mine to do with whatever I want, whenever I want.
That’s because Elena likes whatever I do to her, whenever I do it.
The perfect relationship has only been getting better.
I figure if there were ever a time when things could have dampened it was when her mom burst in on us moments after we’d just finished some amazing fucking. My heart was still galloping when Irma Costieri opened that bedroom door, and things could have gone south fast.
Not because of the embarrassingly awkward situation, but mainly because it’s a big to deal to meet the parents of the person you’re dating. It wasn’t something I know Elena had ever even considered doing, and I wasn’t in a place to even think about it with my mom.
Hell, she and I are just now back on good terms. We’re communicating regularly. I’d made the first step and reached out to her like I’d promised myself a week ago.
It was emotional as fuck, and I wasn’t prepared to confront those feelings. I knew I had to apologize for my behavior. That was my big goal, and I pulled it off without a hitch. I thought after that, I could keep the convo light but make it clear I wanted to get back to normal. Instead, I wanted to cry like a damn baby when my mother wouldn’t let me apologize. She wouldn’t give me her forgiveness because she had declared none was needed.
She had merely said, “Benjamin… I love you. You have nothing to be sorry for. You merely survived as best you could. As your mother, I fully support the way in which you had to do it. It was your way, and that’s all that matters to me.”
Fuck, she slayed me. Showed me what being a parent truly means.
Exemplified the theory of unconditional love with just a few words.
Since then, things have been easy. Daily communications, usually via text, but that has more to do with me being so damn busy. One by one, I made other connections. My dad reached out. Then my brother. We’re all back talking again.
It’s breezy conversation as if they know I can’t handle much more than that, but one day—hopefully soon—I’ll have the balls to tell them how sorry I am for shutting them out.
I’ll try to explain why I’d done what I had. Hopefully, they’ll be as understanding as my mother.
Elena shifts, arching her back slightly, which thrusts her breasts up. They’re fantastic, by the way. Truly my favorite part of her body. I could spend hours worshiping them.
When her head swivels, I can tell she’s staring at me through her dark sunglasses. Her lips curve up at the corners, and she asks me something.
I can’t hear her because of the music blaring in my ears so I pull my buds out. She repeats what she just said. “Why are you staring?”
“Because you’re the best thing to look at out here?” I reply truthfully. “By a long shot.”
Elena pushes up to her elbows, scanning the scenery. It really is a beautiful day, and the water has been like glass. I was pleased to find out Elena likes to ski. I used to spend a lot of time on this boat with April, but not so much after we had Cassidy. She was a little too young for water sports, but we would come out on occasion and just tool around a bit.
It feels good to be out again.
Feels good to be experiencing life.
“Why did you go to the Wicked Horse?” I ask, and she raises her eyebrow. “You’ve never told me why. Only you weren’t interested in a relationship.”
I can’t see her eyes behind those sunglasses, but I get the impression she’s blinking in surprise.
Her hesitancy in answering leads me to believe she might have suffered a terrible loss the way I did, and now I regret asking something she might not be ready to talk about.
But Elena merely gives a dismissive shrug as if it’s not all that interesting of a story. “I had been dating a string of extreme losers.”
Well, that explains exactly nothing. “How so?
“Just got tired of trying to find someone genuine. I used to get taken advantage of quite a bit.”
My protective instincts kick in, and I suppress a growl. I now want the names and addresses of anyone who would dare think they could hurt Elena. She doesn’t notice, though, only leans back on her towel as she continues. “It was always the same. They’d start off cherishing me. Romancing me. Sweeping me off my feet. The next thing I know, I’m doing everything. Caring for them, paying for shit, and being their psychotherapist so they can deal with mommy issues or something.”
“Emotional leeches,” I surmise.
“Pretty much,” she replies softly. “I got tired of needing to always fix them. I had to be responsible for their personal happiness. Which is fine if it’s a two-way street, but it was always all take and no give. Codependency at its finest. It drained the life out of me every time. But to answer your original question, I got tired of feeling like shit about it. Hating them and hating myself for letting it happen. So I heard about The Wicked Horse. As you know, I really like sex. So I thought it would be a suitable alternative to my current life choices.”
“Got it,” I murmur, letting my gaze wander out over the sparkling water.
“I don’t consider you broken, Benjamin,” Elena says, and I snap my head up. She takes her sunglasses off, turning her body to go to one elbow so she can look directly at me. “You’re the least broken person I know.”
“How can you even say that?” I ask, astonished by such a bold proclamation.
“How can I not?” she replies, her brows furrowing in consternation. “You survived a horrible accident. Suffered incredible loss. And yet, you’ve managed to continue giving top-notch medical care in an incredibly specialized field. Sure, you may have been a withdrawn dick to many people over time, but you’ve broken free of that. Taken risks. Given me a chance. Offered me unlimited pleasure. Smiled. Stood up to my Latina mother while naked. Like I said… least broken man I know, Benjamin.”
“Your mother coming in your room was incredibly weird,” I say with a grin, trying to lighten the mood up a bit. I can’t pretend her words of affirmation aren’t packing a pleasurable punch to my gut.
She smiles, but her eyes are still locked on me with serious intent. “Seriously… you’re handling your issues. You’re a strong man. I can tell.”
“Haven’t felt that way in a long time,” I admit. What I don’t admit is she makes me feel strong.
“But I also feel compelled to make sure you understand,” she continues, “that if you ever wanted to talk about things with me, I’m there for you. I really like you, Benjamin, and I wasn’t expecting this to be anything. Yet, it’s turning into everything. You can be strong and still lean on someone. And I can still accept the weight of another’s problems without having to give up everything of myself. I think that’s something I just recently learned.”
Fuck if she’s not saying all the right things. Validating me without pressuring me. Comforting me without making me feel weak. Offering a new layer to our relationship that threatens to put me on the edge of jumping all the way in with her.
Am I ready for that?
Brandon seems to think so.
In addition to reconnecting with my family, Brandon and I have made strides the last two weeks. It started with an apology from me for canceling on a surgery and dropping off the face of the earth for a few days. I had to make sure he knew I was a reliable medical partner and put any doubts to rest.
He accepted the apology stiffly and without any real enthusiasm. And then, without any forethought or planning or even any real understanding until that moment that Brandon needed a different type of apology.
“I’m sorry for abandoning our friendship,” I’d told him, and I could have knocked him over with a feather in that moment. It was obvious by the expression on his face. “I put up walls, pushed those closest to me away, and as my best friend, that meant you. And I’m sorry for the hurt I’ve caused, and I’m thankful you’ve not booted me out on my ass yet.”
That started a discussion that eventually led down the path to Elena. As we spent precious moments reconnecting, he wanted to know about her. It was clear he credits her with my transformation.
And while we still had repairing to do, I didn’t mind sharing her with him.
Metaphorically, of course.
I admitted it had started out just as sex, but it had absolutely progressed to something else. Something more. Something I couldn’t quite define yet, but I knew was transformative.
This pleased Brandon a lot. He’s a happily married man, and he wants me to be happy as well. He equates happiness to a secure relationship. While I’ve experienced that before, and I agree with it, that’s still a little more than I was willing to consider at this point.
But there’s a reason he’s my best friend, and he proved it by narrowing in on something that must have been causing me some internal strife.
“April would want you to move on,” he’d said to me with certainty. “You know that, right?”
I just stared at him, for the first time considering what April would think. How had I not done so before? Is it because I’d so lost my belief in God and Heaven I didn’t even think April existed anymore?
But if she did… what would she want?
“She’d want you to have another shot at happiness,” Brandon had said quietly. “A shot at love. Kids. Everything. In fact, she’d be disappointed if you stopped living your best life.”
He was right.
He is right.
I know it with certainty. While we never discussed dying and what would happen after, I know April loved me and to love me would mean my happiness was paramount to her.
Just as I know had I predeceased her, I’d have wanted her to fall in love again. Make more babies. Grow old with someone devoted to her.
“I like you too,” is all I can manage to say to Elena. Words can barely express what I do feel for her, but they’re simple and truthful. They don’t compare with what she’s said to me and the way she’s validated me.
But I’ll try to get better at it.
All part of my journey to rediscover my life.
Smiling, she crooks her finger. “Why don’t you come over here and rub some oil on my back?”
Her tone is husky, inviting, and I know she wants me to rub other places as well.
That is something I can totally get on board with.