The cold meant nothing to Steve, nor the heaviness in his chest, nor the sharp pains in his half-healed legs, as he stumbled his way back and forth in the snow under the moonlit trees behind the men’s dorm that midnight, mumbling to himself the words on which he knew, to the core of his being, that his whole life would depend from this evening on. Coming as a total shock to him at the end of the concert, he could only hear them as Cecilia’s parting words of love to him, direct from Heaven. He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would either be living them out somehow in his remaining days on earth, bound through them in love to her forever, or he would ignore them and die a lingering and bitter death on earth, far from her and from her love for him.
But for the moment, they were confusing words to him. He didn’t question their truth, but he was far from sure of their meaning. He didn’t dare to let them slip away from him now. They were all he had left to live for. She had called them her “surprise” for him. She had told him this with tears in her eyes that night on the organ bench just as she was starting to emerge from those two shadowy days of mourning. He had felt so protective of her that night because she seemed so very vulnerable and so delicate and so possessed of a beauty and a sorrow that were not of this world. That night she had played him only the music, without the words. But tonight she had given him both the music and the words and they had hit him like a sledgehammer. Now they were tumbling round and round in his mind.
“Verily….
“A grain of wheat….
“Fall….
“Fall into the ground….
“Fall into the ground and die….
“Except it fall and die….
“It abideth alone….
“Alone….
“Alone….
“But if it die
“If it die….
“It bringeth forth much fruit….
“Except it die, it abideth alone….
“Alone except it die….
“But if it die….
“BUT IF IT DIE!”
Arrested by that single haunting detached phrase, Steve cried out into the darkness, “Better for me to die now, my angel, than to abide here alone, without you! Better, better, better for me to be with you where you are now than to be where I am, so alone, so terribly alone…. I told you. You do remember, don’t you? I told you I’m nobody without you, my love. Nobody at all! And here I am without you, less than nobody. I never dreamed I would have to face life without you! Never!…
“You fell, and you died. But I am the one who is alone. You fell and died and now, according to Jesus’ own words, you are supposed to ‘bring forth much fruit’? How? How? What fruit can you bring forth now that you’re gone? What fruit now?…
“All I want to do is fall and die, too, my poor sweet angel, after what I did to you! I just want to die now. O God, why can’t I just die? Let me fall and die now! Just let me fall and die….”
Swaying back and forth on his crutches in the cold silent night, Steve sobbed his heart out. “Why can’t I just die? Why can’t I just die?…”
At length a picture began to form slowly in his benumbed mind, or rather several pictures. They were of his Cecilia back in Meadowville at Thanksgiving.
“But you were already doing it, my love. You were already falling and dying, and bearing much fruit. You were doing it right here. You didn’t have to leave me to do it! You were always falling into the hearts of your friends, of anyone you met. You were always dying to yourself so that you could be alive for them. I could see with my own eyes all the fruit you were bringing forth in them. You were! My heart broke for love of you when I saw you creating all that love. You were just being you! I couldn’t help it! I’d fallen in love with an angel, and by some miracle she’d fallen in love with me. God only knows why! You told me I would love all your friends. You made it impossible for me not to! I guess that’s what happens when you are loved by an angel….
“Somehow, when you fell into my heart, it was different from all the other hearts you fell into. My heart was already a wide open cavern with a space hollowed out in advance just for you. Just for you…. You must have known this somehow, because you fell into my heart just as hard as I had already fallen into yours, and we filled each other’s hearts to overflowing. You fell into my heart and died. You were willing to give me, the frog, everything you are. Everything! You held nothing back. Not a thing! You thought I was asleep under the tree when you told Jesus you would do anything for me. You said ‘anything’! I heard you say that, drowsy as I was. I heard every word of it. Right there you were offering to fall into the ground of my poor heart, dear angel, and to die there for the love of clueless me! But for sure you had to be thinking of dying for me by living with me over the course of a lifetime together here on earth, right? That was what you meant by saying you would do ‘anything’ for me, wasn’t it? You didn’t mean…….”
Once again Steve slumped over his crutches and broke into sobs for the umpteenth time since he’d regained consciousness in the hospital and was told by his parents what had happened two weeks earlier.
Teetering there in the cold, with the words of Cecilia’s “surprise” for him still running through his head, a slender shaft of light pierced the darkness, as he later described it, and alighted on him. It came in the form of a voice in his head, her voice:
“Fall where you are and die there, Steve, my love, and you will not abide alone. I know you want to die and come to be with me. But if you stay where you are and fall and die, I will come to be with you. That is what I want. You will make me very happy, my love, if you fall and die and bring forth much fruit right where you are. You will make me very happy and I will come to you. I will!”
Silence.
The slender shaft of light suddenly brightened into a floodlight.
“You will? And it will make you very happy?” he almost shouted into the night. “I’ll do it, then! I’ll do it! I’ll fall and die here. Just show me how, my love! I’ll do it! Just show me what I can do to make you very happy with me!”
Silence.
The floodlight was now almost blinding him.
All at once Stephan shouted to the skies, “I get it! You want me to become the fruit you died to bring forth!”
He could hardly breathe.
Gathering all his strength he stood up straight and cried out, “O my God, if that’s what she wants, if that’s what my Cecilia really wants, You show me how to do it and I’ll do it! I will do it! I don’t care what it costs. I will do it for the angel You sent me from Heaven and I sent back to You in Heaven! I will give everything I have, everything I am, to become the fruit of her falling and her dying. So help me God, I will!…
“Only show me the ground, Cecilia’s Jesus! Show me the ground that You want me to fall into and I’ll fall into it all the way. I’ll fall into it hard, and I will die there. So help me, I will die there! For her I will die there! Just show me the ground!”
Steve pulled himself together and went up to his room. Ted was asleep. In the dim light of his desk lamp he opened the top drawer of his desk and took out a plain envelope with his name on it. Opening the envelope, he carefully unfolded the single sheet of stationery it contained and read it yet again.
Dear Steve,
The Monday after Cecilia’s funeral we boarded the train and came here to be with you. You have not regained consciousness, but your doctor says your vital signs are improving every day. We are so very thankful for this. We love you and pray for your full recovery.
We have to leave now to get back to Meadowville for Christmas services. We want you to know that we do not blame you for what happened. We know how much you love Cecilia and how much she loves you. We don’t understand why Our Lord has allowed this to happen, but we trust that He means for something very good to come out of what seems to us such a senseless tragedy.
It has been good for us to meet your parents here at your bedside and to share with them many tears, but also our hope and our faith.
You have two homes now, Steve—your parents’ home in North Dakota and our home in Meadowville. You will always be a son to us.
We know our Cecilia would have been a wonderful life’s partner for you, and you for her. But instead God has given her to you to be your angel to go with you wherever you go, to intercede for you every day before the Throne of Grace, and to welcome you to your heavenly Home when that day arrives.
Please accept this portrait photo of Cecilia which we had her sit for at the time of her graduation from high school. She didn’t do anything the photographer asked her to do to look glamorous, and so she looks like herself, don’t you think?
God bless you, dear Steve! Steve, our son!
Love, Irv and Ellie
Returning the letter to the envelope, Steve whispered, “Cecilia’s Jesus, You are too good! You’re just too good!”