“You’re wrong,” I said quietly, “I do believe you. No one in his right mind would make up such a pathetic story.” I made my voice as cold and cutting as I could. “And now that I’ve heard it, I’d like you to leave.”
Gabriel stared at me, dumbfounded. “You want me . . . to go?”
Oh God, what did he think I would want? Not that, apparently. I watched him clench his jaw, working the muscle. It had been eighty-seven days since I’d last seen him, but who was counting? Surely he didn’t actually think he could pick right back up where we’d left off? From his stunned expression it seemed he did.
My temper began to rise at such presumption. “Did you really think you could just walk right back in here and pretend that nothing had happened? Act as if you’d never been gone?” I leaned forward, hands on my hips, forgetting just how much cleavage my skimpy costume showed. “I don’t care if it was the fucking Hope Diamond you were getting back. Do you honestly expect me to believe you couldn’t call me? Not one single time?”
“I couldn’t.”
“Why not? Where the hell were you? Bora Bora?”
I had absolutely no idea what reception was like in that particular island paradise, but it was the only really remote place I could think of on the spur of the moment. The look on Gabriel’s face changed. He thought I was being unreasonable. Fuck him! I didn’t have to be reasonable.
“I knew, that night, that you weren’t coming back.” He opened his mouth to protest, but I cut him off with an impatient wave of my hand. This had been stewing for a while, and I really needed to get it out. “Only you really should have had the balls to tell me what leaving actually meant.” I emphasized the word, giving it the weight it warranted.
“If you were too cowardly to tell me to my face, then you could have found some other way of letting me know. God knows, you had enough options. But you just left me hanging, never knowing for sure, without a word from you. I almost went out of my mind wondering what had happened to you!” I paused and took a breath before continuing, “You wanna hear something funny? And I don’t mean funny ha-ha.” The question was rhetorical, and I stabbed the air with a black painted fingernail aimed at the middle of his chest.
“I was so scared about the way you drove out of here in your shiny red car that I called all the hospitals in a three-county radius to make sure you hadn’t had an accident. Hadn’t gone and wrapped your fancy Ferrari around a tree, or something equally stupid.” His eyes opened wide, but whether it was due to my confession or the fact that I remembered what type of car he drove, I couldn’t be sure. “Only everyone I spoke to figured I was totally wasted on something because I couldn’t give them your last name, and at least one nurse thought my physical description of you sounded like something out of a fucking romance novel!”
I stopped and took a breath. And then another, a deeper one. And then I got a wake-up call that yanked hold of my temper and smacked it down, hard. Yelling at Gabriel wasn’t going to make me feel any better. Did he really think I cared about some stupid decision he’d had to make, one that didn’t even concern me? Couldn’t he see how much effort it was taking to stop myself from grabbing him, latching onto his mouth, and sucking the life out of his lower lip? Exhaustion took hold of me, and I was suddenly too tired to fight, or argue, or anything. My feet hurt, and I needed to get out of my scratchy costume.
“I had no idea I put you through that,” he said quietly. “I am sorry.”
“Yeah, well, it doesn’t matter now. It’s all water under the bridge, a valuable learning experience.” Placing a hand over my eyes, I took a moment before looking back at him. In all likelihood it was for the last time. “Thank you for coming to explain what happened,” I said wearily, “I’m glad to know you’re all right, but it’s late and I really want to call it a night.”
“Ask me why I’m here, Rowan.”
“You already told me. You came to apologize.” The flaring resurgence of my internal flame was becoming harder to ignore.
“That’s not the real reason.” He took a step toward me and dropped his voice, “Ask me why I’m here.”
My hand went to my throat as I whispered, “Why are you here, Gabriel?”
“Because I cannot stay away from you any longer.”
I must have missed something.
I was tired, my brain was scrambled, and he was playing with me. I’d never doubted Gabriel felt something for me. It just didn’t equate to the all-consuming inferno going on inside me. And now he was saying he couldn’t stay away from me? What type of bull was that? I was not about to be led down that particular path again, certainly not by him.
I shook my head, hoping my own incredulous expression would reinforce the lie. “I’m sorry to burst your bubble, Gabriel, but whatever you think there was between us is long gone. At least it is on my part.”
In the blink of an eye he closed the distance between us. One minute he was by the door, and the next I was trapped between his body and the edge of the sink pushing against the small of my back. It was unnerving how quickly he moved. Almost as unnerving as the heat I could feel coming off him.
He spoke in a low, menacing snarl that had my heart doing cartwheels. “You can lie to yourself if you choose to, Rowan, but never lie to me.”
I swallowed and licked my lips nervously—a mistake I realized the moment I saw his eyes tracking the tip of my tongue.
“I’m not lying,” I lied.
“Then why are you trembling?”
“Because you’re scaring me,” I told him. And he was, albeit in a good, sexy way that I was never going to admit to.
Ignoring my words, Gabriel leaned forward and traced a path with his tongue down the side of my neck and along my collarbone. “That’s not fear I taste,” he growled softly as he pulled back and fixed me with his eyes. “It’s desire. Tell me you don’t want me.”
I steeled myself as the memory came flooding back. Actually it had never been that far away, but I was angry that he would use my own words from that night against me.
“You bastard!” I spat out between clenched teeth. “You were the one who ran away! Leaving me with nothing but nonsense about things that were wrong and how I wouldn’t want you if I knew the truth. I didn’t understand any of it then and I still don’t, but it really doesn’t matter because you just took off and left me. Well, I’ve had plenty of time to think since then, and you know what?” I brought my hands up and pushed hard against his chest as a way of underlining my lie. “I don’t want you.”
And then, with the nearness of him compounding my precarious emotional state, I felt the wetness exploding between my thighs and saw the shift in his expression.
“I told you not to lie to me,” Gabriel murmured, delivering the words with a sensual, predatory smile.
My temper spiraled, offering me one last stab at saving my self-respect before it was completely shredded. “Why do you care?” I snarled at him. “You want me to admit you turn me on? Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m so hot for you right now that I’d let you take me right here on the kitchen floor. Only know this, Gabriel, I’d hate you for it afterward—just not as much as I’d hate myself!”
I was scorching, and completely unaware I had the front of his damp T-shirt in my hand until I saw the dark material clutched in my fingers. I pulled, and he let me take his mouth, offering no resistance. Hot and angry, I sated my fury. Kissing him with a barely controlled violence I didn’t know I was capable of. My tongue thrust inside him and I could feel myself shaking as uncontrollable need swept through me. I was about to sink my teeth into his lower lip, wanting to taste blood, when I pulled back, horrified.
This wasn’t me.
I don’t behave like this.
I tried turning my head, but Gabriel was having none of it. His fingers snagged themselves in my hair, twisting until I had no choice but to look at him.
“My turn,” he growled.
Before I could protest, he slanted his mouth over mine. I braced myself, expecting his kiss to be brutal and vicious, but instead he destroyed me with a tenderness that I wasn’t prepared for and didn’t deserve. When he let me go, his tongue making a final sweep over my lips, I was dizzy and breathless. Untangling his fingers from my hair, Gabriel moved away, his eyes never leaving my face.
“I-I don’t understand you,” I said in a trembling voice. “Why are you doing this to me?”
“Rowan, do you think what I feel for you is only a shallow, base lust?” His eyes flooded with uncertainty, and this time I really did see doubt.
Intuitively I knew if I pushed him away, he would leave and I would never see him again. Instead of telling myself that’s what I wanted, I felt hollow, as if I was on the verge of discarding something whose value was beyond my comprehension. I put a hand to my throat and said nothing, because I thought he was able to read my face again.
“I don’t blame you for supposing such a thing,” he said quietly, his expression changing to one of resigned acceptance. “And I understand why you would believe me insincere, but I swear to you, it was never my intention to hurt you.”
“Then why are you here?”
“I already told you . . . I cannot stay away from you.”
He rubbed the back of his neck, and I was struck again by how tired he looked. Only I didn’t think it was a physical weariness. He’d been battling some inner demon, and in the depths of his eyes I saw a shadow move, revealing something I hadn’t seen before. Loneliness that was on the verge of consuming him.
“But . . . why me?” I asked. I had given my insecurities free rein, and they were now running at full bore. “You could have any beautiful woman.” I thought of the exotic Katja. “I’m no one.”
Gabriel snarled, but it wasn’t a mean, threatening sound. It sounded more like frustrated desperation. Dropping his hand from his neck, he fixed me with a look before saying, “You are all I want, all I need. With you my life is . . . possible.”
It was that simple. Eloquently put, his words punched inside me, reaching an emotional chord that went far deeper than any physical appetite.
“But you said I wouldn’t want you . . . not if I knew the truth.”
“I know.”
“Do you still think that?”
“The world I live in is very different from anything you have ever known, Rowan. My only thought at the time I spoke those words was for your protection. I thought, if I distanced myself from you, it would keep you safe. I never took into account the strength of the connection I have with you.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I tried to stay away, Rowan; believe me, I tried, but I found it impossible.” He scrubbed a hand over his face, and I watched the movement of his chest as he took a deep breath, steadying himself. “I have no right to ask anything of you, and if you want me to leave, then you must say so. Tell me to go and I give you my word you will never see me again.”
My rib cage compressed and my stomach twisted. It was my turn to make a decision, and I didn’t need three months to do it. My heart had made it the moment I saw him at my door. It had just taken my head a little longer to catch up. Whatever the truth was about Gabriel, whatever existed in his world that he thought I needed protecting from, I would accept and deal with it. He wasn’t the only one who had been hurting.
“I don’t want you to leave,” I told him, my voice a barely audible, husky whisper.
The shadow in his eyes vanished, replaced by something else. Whether it was relief or hope, I couldn’t say.
“Are you sure?” he murmured, taking a step toward me. “I need you to be certain that this—that I—am what you want.”
I had the sense that he was asking me something that went deeper, was more meaningful, but my brain had been through enough for one night. My ability to search for hidden meanings was temporarily lost, and it was more than ready to hitch a ride to Clueless Land. I wasn’t sure about anything, but I trusted my instincts. And they told me this was right. I belonged with Gabriel.
“The only things you can be certain about are death and taxes,” I said, giving him a wry grin, “but if you’re asking me to take a chance, then yes, I will—only,” I paused, “why would you think I wouldn’t want you?” He might not be able to pick up on every emotion I was throwing his way, but surely he could still read how I felt about him?
“Because I wonder,” he said, taking my hand, “if you went back to the very beginning, would you have come searching for me again?”
The silence between us was deafening, and the feeling of déjà vu returned. Only it didn’t feel so strange this time. Whatever Gabriel was referring to was hidden somewhere inside that feeling.
“I wish I knew what you were talking about,” I told him, “because I think it’s important, but I have to tell you that right now you’re making absolutely no sense.” Clueless Land was rapidly expanding into the continent of the Completely Lost in the Dark.
“You need to know the truth about me, Rowan, what I am—”
“No, I don’t, not right now.” I held up my hand and stopped him. I was balanced on a razor-thin wire, and it took all I had not to fall off. “There’s only one issue that’s important right now, and I need you to be truthful with me.”
“Of course, ask me anything.”
“Wife, girlfriend, or significant other?”
The sudden, utter confusion on his face made me want to laugh aloud.
“I don’t understand.”
“Do you have one?”
Gabriel shook his head of glorious, white hair. “No, of course not.”
“Positive?”
He looked hurt that I was questioning his integrity. “Rowan, I’ve not wanted another woman since the first time I saw you. I never have.”
“That’s good to know,” I whispered.
He let go of my hand and clutched his forehead as though he’d just been afflicted with a brain freeze. Pursing his lips, he blew out a breath. For all intents and purposes, he looked like a man who desperately wanted to speak but was afraid his words would be the wrong ones.
Welcome to the club.
I didn’t want to waste any more time in pointless conversation. It would be an exercise in futility that accomplished nothing. What was about to happen between us right here, right now, was not going to be achieved with words. Unless they were all single syllables used for instructional purposes along with some heavy-duty physical contact. My hands literally itched to get beneath his wet clothing and touch his body.
Something in my life, my luckless romantic aspirations, my failure to successfully seduce a man, had all been pushing me toward this moment. Gabriel was to be my first, perhaps my only lover. I don’t know how I knew this or what turn of fate’s cosmic wheel had made it so, but it was true. I had known it eighty-seven nights ago on my front porch, and the conviction was even stronger now. I made it to the staircase before Gabriel’s voice stopped me.
“Give yourself to me, Rowan, and you will take no other.”
I don’t know if other girls have experienced such a declaration, but it didn’t surprise me coming from him. I was almost expecting it, even if I wasn’t completely sure I understood all the implications. Gabriel was telling me exactly what was going to happen. What his intentions were, just in case I hadn’t been paying attention.
I heard myself reply, saying the words that would change my life forever. I just had no idea to what extent.
“Then make me want no other.”