AFTER DR. AARON EXAMINED ME, she sat back and made some notes while I dressed. I sensed she was being somewhat hesitant and I thought she looked like someone trying to workout how to explain something terrible in a euphemistic fashion. It made me even more anxious.
“Is there something very wrong?” I finally asked.
She looked up from her papers.
“Well,” she began, “it’s not something terribly wrong. I’ve seen this condition before and…”
“What condition?”
“There isn’t any terminology as such for your particular situation, Kate.”
“You’re frightening me,” I said with an underlying note of anger. “Whatever it is, just tell me, for godsakes.”
“I am. I am,” she said. “It’s sort of a combination between something real and unreal.”
“What?”
“There’s a condition, a disorder that’s been written about since antiquity. In fact Hippocrates set down the first written account of it around 300 B.C., and recorded twelve different cases of women with the disorder.”
“What disorder, Dr. Aaron?”
“Well, the term for it is pseudocyesis,” she said.
“Pseudo? Something false? What?”
“False pregnancy,” she replied.
I smirked and shook my head.
“How can anyone be falsely pregnant?”
“With pseudocyesis, women have symptoms similar to true pregnancy. They have morning sickness, tender breasts, gain weight, suffer abdominal distension, and many report they experience the sensation of fetal movement, known as quickening, even though there is no fetus present. There are even breast changes, uterine enlargement, and softening of the cervix. They can go into false labor.
“The most famous case on record is the case of Mary Tudor, the Queen of England, who believed on more than one occasion that she was pregnant when she wasn’t.”
“So you’re telling me I have pseudocyesis?”
“Yes,” she said coolly and calmly. “I’m afraid that would be my diagnosis, Kate.”
“Maybe the results were wrong after all, despite what you think.”
She stared a moment.
“Okay,” she said. “Let’s retest you.”
She went about it and then left me in the examination room. I sprawled out on the examination table where she had provided me with a pillow. Less than an hour later, she returned, closed the door softly, and smiled.
I sat up, feeling a little dazed.
“Well?”
“I’m sorry, Kate. It’s the same result. You’re definitely not pregnant. You have the characteristics, the symptoms of someone suffering with pseudocyesis.”
“Why would I have that? Why?” I practically screamed at her.
“The obvious cause for pseudocyesis is a woman’s intense desire to become pregnant. In some cases, the intense fear of becoming pregnant or the displeasure inherent in looking pregnant causes the internal conflicts and changes in the endocrine system which mirrors the symptoms of pseudocyesis.”
“Why would someone make herself look pregnant if she hated the thought of it?”
“To get it over with. I’m not saying that’s you. Other depressive disorders have triggered the same symptoms. You’d have to go to some therapist to get out the root cause and frankly, soon it won’t matter.”
“So what you’re saying is I’m causing all the false pregnancy symptoms myself? Emotionally, mentally, whatever, I’m causing my breasts to enlarge faster, my abdomen to distend faster, all of it, even the quickening I feel?”
“Yes, I believe that is it, Kate.” She shrugged. “Hopefully, after the next insemination, it will all be physically valid and accountable anyway, so I wouldn’t put you through any therapy. We’ll deal with it just the way we would if you were that far along,” she said, and flashed a smile.
“What happens to these women who are not really pregnant?”
“Some are cured through hypnosis, purgatives, opioids like endorphin, fentanyl, and methadone or…”
“Or what?”
“Some have what we call hysterical childbirth.”
“You mean they go through it all as if they’re actually giving birth?”
“Yes, and then it’s over.”
“But there’s no baby.”
“But there’s closure,” Dr. Aaron said. She stood up. “Try to relax. Do other things. Don’t think about being pregnant so much. Distract yourself. You’re still taking the pill I gave you?”
“Maybe that’s causing all this,” I said.
“No,” she said, smiling. “Hardly. Believe me, it’s psychological, but if you stop taking the pill, you’ll reduce your chances of really becoming pregnant.”
“I feel trapped,” I muttered.
“Nonsense. This will pass. You’ll be fine. You don’t need to do anything else right now and I certainly don’t want you to treat yourself as if you were someone with an illness, Kate. Take it easier, of course. No heavy work. Nothing that will strain you, but do you normal routine. I’m always here for you,” she added. “Okay?”
I nodded and stood up.
“This and now those religious fanatics annoying you can be quite a weight to carry. I know,” she said, putting her arm around my shoulders to lead me out. “But we’re all looking after you, watching for you. You’re not alone. Don’t ever feel alone,” she said.
I looked at her a bit surprised.
“I never feel that, Dr. Aaron. I couldn’t ask for a better partner than Willy. We don’t let each other down.”
“I’m sure. You are lucky. Call me whenever you want,” she said, and then closed the door between us the moment I stepped out to the lobby.
I looked at Bea, who was smiling at me from behind the glass. She opened the door and leaned forward.
“Tell my sister our father called and said he was very happy she’s doing better.”
“Why didn’t he call her himself?” I shot back. I didn’t know anything about their father. Eve had never mentioned him and I was in an irritable state of mind.
“It’s easier to reach me,” she replied. “Eve understands.”
She closed the window. I can see why Eve avoids her, I thought.
Sterling jumped out of the car the moment I emerged from the office and rushed to open the door for me as if I were already nine months into the pregnancy that I just learned had yet to even start despite my symptoms. I felt like some kind of nutcase regardless of how Dr. Aaron had tried to describe me. How was I going to explain this to Willy?
Sterling closed the door and looked around carefully as he strolled back to his side and got in.
“Everything all right?” He asked.
It sounded funny to me and I laughed. He turned with surprise.
“Yes,” I said. “Everything is just wonderful.” I closed my eyes and lay back.
“Back to the plant or home?”
“My car’s at the plant,” I said. Now I was wishing I had taken Willy’s initial advice and not gone at all to the plant. I hadn’t accomplished all that much there anyway.
This time I didn’t have to tell Sterling to drive faster. He drove as if we were being pursued and a few times, I did catch him studying the traffic behind us before deciding to accelerate and weave around cars.
When we pulled into the plant parking lot, I got out before Sterling could come around to open my door, and I hurried into the plant. Everything was humming along. Four members of the White Party committee were there beside Willy and Eve watching the production. Willy saw me, excused herself and followed me into the office where I told her what Dr. Aaron had diagnosed as my problem.
“That’s incredible,” she said. “Characteristics of false pregnancy?”
“She didn’t come right out and say it, but I think she believes I have this pseudocyesis because I’m trying to speed up my pregnancy and get it over with as quickly as possible. In other words, I’m a contradiction. I wanted the baby, but I don’t want to be pregnant after all. I can’t stand the idea of losing my figure and going through these symptoms.”
Willy nodded, thinking.
“Makes sense to me,” she said.
“Thanks.”
“Hey, it’s not a fatal illness, Kate. So what did she tell you to do?”
“If I wasn’t going to continue with the insemination process, she’d have me see a shrink, but under the circumstances, there’s nothing to do. Behave as if it’s all natural, I suppose. Ignore the entire thing.”
“And the pill she gave you?”
“She claims it has nothing to do with any of this, but if I stop it, I’ll reduce my chances for the next insemination.”
“So, keep taking it,” she said, nodding. “And do what she says, behave as if it’s all natural. Ignore it.”
“Like I’ll be able to ignore looking and feeling pregnant when I’m not?” I came back at her in a voice so shrill that it was strange even for me to think of it as mine.”
She winced as if I had reached out and slapped her.
“I’m sorry,” I said, seeing the troubled look on her face. After all, I was pulling this right in the midst of this tremendous effort to produce for the biggest party in the whole Coachella valley.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “We’ll deal with it. I know how you are about your figure and I love you for it, but this is why many women choose to have surrogates, I guess.”
“That brings me to the pièce de résistance,” I said. She raised her eyebrows.
“There’s more?”
“Janet Madison has gone to Genitor and become pregnant. She’s using Dr. Aaron.”
“What? Get out of here. She’s a single schoolteacher. Why would she want a child?”
“She doesn’t. It’s what you just said. She’s getting paid to be a surrogate. Twenty-five thousand.”
“No shit.” She smiled. “Wait until she starts to suffer symptoms and show. She’s such a sissy puss.”
“Lois never mentioned that part of their enterprise, procreating surrogate mothers.”
“Hey, she’s not asking us to invest in Genitor. Who cares?” She gazed through the window into the plant. “Eve’s going to get a kick out of this. She isn’t exactly fond of Janet.”
“I told her I’d keep her secret for now.”
“Like she would keep yours. Screw her,” Willy said. “Besides, I don’t expect to give it another iota of thought. We’re too busy with important things.”
“Oh. Bea asked me to tell Eve their father called and was happy to hear she’s doing well. I got the sense Eve and her father aren’t getting along that well and Bea isn’t exactly upset about it. Sibling rivalry with capital letters.”
“Don’t go there,” Willy said. “We’re too busy to become involved in other people’s family problems.”
“Whatever. Give her the message. I’m heading home,” I said. “I’m sorry I can’t be of more help.”
“Don’t worry about it. Just take it easy. I’ll call you later. It’s going to be a long night.”
She hugged me and then walked me out to the car. Sterling was nowhere in sight.
“I don’t see my bodyguard,” I muttered.
“That’s the idea,” Willy said. “If they see him, they’ll keep their distance.”
“Isn’t that what we want, them keeping their distance, lots of distance?”
“No. We want to catch them and bathe them in acid. You sure you’re okay to drive yourself home?”
“Yes,” I said. We kissed and I got into my car and started away.
It wasn’t until I stopped at a traffic light that I saw the envelope on the passenger’s side. My name was on the outside. I just stared at it. The light turned green and I continued driving, avoiding looking at it until I pulled into the driveway and then into the garage. When I shut the engine and saw the garage door close behind me, I opened the envelope.
There was only a picture inside but it was gruesome, a mass of red bones and blood, twisted flesh and what looked like a face in the center with yellow eyes and jagged teeth. It looked like a form of fish with the scales developing into limbs. Below the picture were the words, “This is living in you.”
I tossed it to the floor and screamed, struggling to get out of the car quickly and nearly falling in the process.
The sound of the garage door rising threw me into another panic. I screamed until I saw Sterling Plunkett standing there. He had a pistol in his right hand.
“What is it?” he asked, gazing around the garage.
I nodded at the car.
“In the car on the floor in front,” I managed, and backed up toward the door into the house.
He moved quickly to the car, opened the passenger side door and immediately found the envelope. He looked at the picture and then put it all in his inside coat pocket.
“I’ll take care of it,” he said.
“Take care of it? How did that get into my car? I left it locked.”
“Getting into a locked car ain’t hard to do, Kate. Look how easily I arranged to get into your garage. The code for your garage remote is accessible. So is the car key.”
“What do you mean, you’ll take care of it? What are you going to do with that disgusting picture?”
“I’ll have it processed. Might give us a clue as to exactly who they are and where they are.”
“They got into my car; they can open the garage; they can get into my house!”
“Not with me around,” he said. “I promise.”
I looked at the door.
“My sensors don’t indicate anyone entered your home.”
I didn’t look convinced. He hurried to the door and opened it. Then he entered the house with his pistol still in hand. I walked in behind him and watched him check every room, every closet, and then the pool area. He looked into Eve’s casita as well.
“All’s well,” he said. “I’ll be planted out front like one of your palm trees,” he assured me.
I didn’t realize how much the shock of finding the picture had upset and nauseated me. I tried lying down and resting, but the image kept replaying inside my eyelids. I wanted to call Willy to tell her, but I knew she was right in the thick of it now and she would feel she had to rush back to see me. Instead, I opted to take another one of those pink pills. If I didn’t, I was sure I wouldn’t sleep.
Just as before, it worked like an anesthesia and I was out moments after I swallowed it.
When I woke, it was pitch-dark in the house. Glancing at the clock, I realized I had slept almost six hours. It was nearly midnight. I flipped on the lamp and sat up. Despite my sleeping like a dead one, my body was stiff all over, especially in my lower back. I groaned and stood, rubbing it vigorously as I walked out to the kitchen. I saw the answering machine was blinking with two calls.
The first was from Willy.
“Hey. Tried you twice and finally reached Sterling, who told us all was well. He checked on you and found you had gone to sleep. Probably a good idea. We’re going to be here until about one or two supervising the packing of the refrigerated trucks. Call me if you want anything. Love ya.”
I thought the second message was her checking in again because for a moment there was nothing and then I heard that now familiar voice, raspy, scary.
“Get an abortion quickly. It is draining your very soul.”
It clicked off. I stepped back as if the voice could come out of the answering machine and materialize into some horrific creature right before my eyes. It took me a few moments to calm down and then I hurried to the front door. Sterling should hear this, I thought.
At first I was surprised and then grateful to see his car in our driveway. He had told me he would stay out of sight, but perhaps after they had managed to get into my car while we were at Dr. Aaron’s office, he thought he should make his presence more obvious.
The heat that had come in during the day lingered because the sky was overcast. It was still well into the nineties, even this late. Our house and grounds were well lit. The palm trees were highlighted and the driveway itself had a line of fixtures on both sides. However, Sterling’s Town Car had heavily tinted windows so they behaved more like mirrors than windows. As I approached, I saw my image in the glass. I had fallen asleep in the clothes I had worn to Dr. Aaron’s and was still wearing them. My unbrushed hair seemed to bubble around my head in rebellious clumps. Perhaps because of the glow of the lights in the darkness, my face looked ashen.
I knocked on the passenger’s side window and waited.
There was no response, so I went around and looked through the windshield. I didn’t see him in the car. He’s patrolling the grounds, I thought.
I called to him and waited.
It was quieter than ever. Because of the late hour, there were no cars on the streets around our home or leading to it. I saw some planes crossing east to west, their blinking lights clearly visible against the overcast inky night, but I didn’t hear them. Even the coyotes were asleep and not howling as they usually did making their way down the wash, hunting for food. It was almost as if this were all a dream or I was walking in my sleep. In a moment I would wake up in my bed.
Sterling didn’t respond nor appear after my additional calls. Either he didn’t want to show himself for some reason or he didn’t hear me, I thought and headed back to the house. I need him to hear this though I told myself and found the transmitter he had given me. I pressed it and waited and listened and then pressed it again. Still I heard nothing. The silence was very unnerving.
Willy will surely be home soon, I told myself, and went to the kitchen. I was surprisingly not hungry for a change, but I was thirsty. I drank a full glass of ice cold water and then went to the rear patio door and looked out at the pool. I didn’t recall putting on the pool light, but it was lit. It put a greenish-yellow glow around the decking.
For a moment I thought I was imagining someone there, but then I realized it was Sterling. It actually brought a smile to my face. He had sprawled out on one of the lounge chairs and looked asleep. No wonder he didn’t hear me calling or hear the transmitter. Some bodyguard, I thought, and then told myself even he had to get some rest. I was sure he had some alarms set up anyway.
I opened the patio door.
“Sterling,” I called. He didn’t respond.
I closed the door behind me and walked to him. He was really in a deep sleep, I thought, and called to him again. He didn’t move nor open his eyes. Alarm bells rang inside my heart. I stared down at him and then I reached out and nudged his shoulder. His body barely moved and he didn’t open his eyes. I pushed him harder. He didn’t move. His eyes remained shut. I shook him and shook him. His head rocked from side to side, but he didn’t awaken.
When his head fell to the left, I saw a small dartlike object in his neck.
With a gasp that seemed to emerge from the very bottom of my soul, I backed away. For a moment or two, I froze. Then I looked about fearfully. I saw no one, not a movement, but every shadow seemed threatening, seemed poised to leap in my direction and cast a dark blanket over me. The terror I felt was drawn up from my feet as if I had stepped into a pool of ice water. I turned and rushed to the house. Just as I closed the door behind me, the phone rang. I stood there staring at it.
It rang and rang until the answering machine came on with Willy’s wiseass greeting.
“We’re not answering either because we’re not here or we don’t feel like it, so do what you’re supposed to do at the buzz.”
It buzzed and I heard the voice say, “Now you know why it’s almost too late.”
The phone went dead with a long, deep, and annoying tone before the machine went off and the message light began to blink.
I couldn’t move. I heard myself gasping, which brought on a strange feeling. It was as if I were out of my body observing myself. I wondered, is that me? Am I struggling to breathe?
My stomach constricted and the cramp brought me to my knees.
I fell over on my side and closed my eyes. I descended into a pool of black quicksand as warm as blood. Crimson-faced fetuses danced around me on feet that looked like the roots of flowers. They grimaced and shed putrid green and yellow tears. My ears were stuffed with the howling of wounded beasts drowning out my own desperate cries for help. I was spinning, shrinking, folding into myself until I began to resemble one of the gruesome fetuses and lost my voice.
It was the cold washcloth on my forehead that brought me back to consciousness and rescued me from my own horrific dream. I looked up at Willy, who had tears streaming down her face. She lifted my head first to kiss my cheek and then she got me into a sitting position.
“Kate, oh damn, Kate, are you all right?”
I heard Eve coming in through the patio.
“He’s gone,” she said. “It looks like some kind of poison dart.”
“Poison dart? Kate,” Willy said, “what happened? Who was here?”
I tried to speak, but didn’t utter a sound. My eyes felt as if they were bulging with the effort.
“Let’s get her to bed,” Eve said, and knelt to take my left arm. The two of them stood me up. I leaned on Willy and we made our way into the bedroom.
Gingerly, they laid me down and made me comfortable, fixing the pillow under my head. Eve sat beside me on the bed and took my hand in hers.
“You’d better call the police,” she told Eve.
“Is that wise?” she replied.
“What do you mean?”
“With the party and all tomorrow…a scandal like this?”
“It’s not a scandal. A man was murdered on our property.”
“You’re going to have to explain who he is and why he’s here.”
“So?”
“I’m just telling you…anticipate reporters, television…” She nodded at me. “Think about her.”
“Well, what are we supposed to do, Eve? Leave him out there for a while?”
“Call Genitor, Lois Matthews. Let them handle it,” she suggested.
It was so odd. I heard their conversation, watched the changing expression on Willy’s face, but it was as if I were watching a television show, as if I really wasn’t in the scene itself. There was a distance, a chasm I couldn’t get across yet. Just like before, I felt caught in a dream.
“Yeah, maybe,” Willy thought aloud. “Get her opinion about it anyway.”
“I’ll call,” Eve said. “The number’s right by the phone in the kitchen, right?”
“Yeah.”
Eve hurried out and Willy turned back to me.
“How you doing, Kate?” She rubbed my hand. “Did anyone hurt you? Why did you faint?”
I took a deep breath as if I were about to dive underwater.
“I found him,” I said in nothing more than a whisper.
“Damn.”
“It all started with the picture in the car,” I added.
“What picture?”
“I found a picture in my car when I left the plant. It was horrible, a horrific-looking fetus. Whoever put it there wrote that it was inside me.”
“Where is this picture?”
“Sterling put it in his jacket pocket. He was going to have it processed,” I explained. “I took one of those pink pills and fell asleep.”
“Yeah, he told me that when I called earlier this evening.”
“They called, too.”
“Who? You mean they? The wackos?”
“Yes. There are two messages on the machine out there,” I said. “I went out to tell Sterling and I found him on the lounge chair. He wouldn’t wake up. When I saw the dart in his neck, I realized he was dead and came into the house to call you. The phone rang and it was them again. They must have been watching me and knew I had come back inside, and then I guess I passed out.”
Eve appeared in the doorway.
“Someone’s on the way. She understood the problem and said it was smart to call her and let the company handle it. She’s making sure there’s another security guard assigned.”
Willy nodded, looked at me and then stood.
“I want to check him for something,” she said.
“What?”
“A picture Kate found in her car earlier.”
She hurried out.
“I’ll get you a glass of cold water,” Eve told me and followed Willy.
I closed my eyes and tried to calm down. Eve returned first with the water and then Willy came in shaking her head.
“What?”
“No picture in any of his pockets. I checked his car, too. Nothing.”
“Maybe whoever did that to him took it, or he had given it to someone to check out. He said he was going to do that,” I suggested. She nodded. “Did you listen to the answering machine, Willy?”
“No.”
“Go listen, Willy. You should hear that voice, too. Go ahead.”
“Okay, relax,” she said.
She went out. Eve remained smiling down at me.
“It’ll be all right.”
“Someone killed him, Eve. How can things be all right? You said as far as you knew, they didn’t do anyone physical harm.”
She shrugged.
“They’re getting more aggressive. Maybe they’re frustrated or they just feel their oats.”
“It frightens me.”
“I know.”
“Are you absolutely sure of your sister-in-law’s cause of death?”
“Yes. She was a picture of health, but as I understand it, that can happen even to people who have no other symptoms. Besides, she was in a hospital. No one was shooting darts at her.”
“There are many ways to kill people in a hospital,” I said.
“Don’t get yourself worked up. Your imagination will run havoc.”
Willy returned.
“Well?” I asked immediately. “What do you think of that voice?”
“I didn’t hear it, Kate. There weren’t any bad messages on the machine. You must have erased them.”
“I didn’t,” I said pushing myself up with my elbows.
“I’m sure there’s nothing on the machine.”
I looked at Eve, and she looked at Willy.
“You two think I made it all up, the picture, the phone calls?”
“No, but you could have just inadvertently hit the delete button, Kate. No big deal,” Willy said.
“I didn’t, damn it! I never got to that machine. I fainted, remember?”
“Okay, okay. I’ll check it again,” she said.
“Stop humoring me!” I screamed after her.
“Easy,” Eve said. “C’mon, Kate. Calm down. You’ll get yourself sick.”
“I am sick,” I said. I lowered my head to the pillow.
“Maybe you want to get out of those clothes,” she suggested.
“What? Oh. Yeah.”
I sat up again and she began to help undo my dress.
“I can do it myself,” I said sharply.
“Okay.”
Willy returned, shaking her head.
“Look, I realized even my message is gone, Kate. You hit the button. That’s it. You probably don’t remember doing it.”
I stared at her.
“I’m going to take a shower,” I said, “and then get some sleep. I’m sorry. I know you have a lot on your mind and you’ve got to get up early.”
“Kate?”
“No, let me alone,” I said, waving at her.
Eve stepped back as I rose and headed for the bathroom.
“But are you sure you’re stable enough?” Willy asked me.
I paused and looked at her.
“I’ve been threatened by some fanatics, diagnosed with pseudocyesis, discovered my security guard was killed by some sort of poison dart at our pool, and passed out on the floor. Considering I’m still moving about all right, I’d say I’m pretty stable,” I replied.
Willy smiled.
“You’re such a dyke,” she said.
We heard the doorbell.
“If that’s them, that’s pretty quick,” Willy told Eve.
“More than likely they had some sort of backup nearby,” she said.
“Take your shower, Kate. We’ll handle it,” Willy told me.
I nodded and went into the bathroom. When I came out, Willy was getting undressed to prepare herself for some sleep.
“It was them?”
“Yeah. They took him away and his car as well.”
“What about that dart? What do they think?”
“They said they would let us know, but they left someone out there tonight. We’ll have a new man on the job tomorrow. He’ll introduce himself to you. I’ll be at the plant,” she said. “And then the convention center, unless you aren’t feeling well and we have to get you back to Dr. Aaron.”
“I’ll be all right.”
She nodded and went into the bathroom.
When she got into bed beside me, she reached for my hand and then turned over to kiss me softly.
“It’s going to be all right,” she said.
“I’m nervous about not calling the police, Willy.”
“I’m not. I think Eve’s right about what would happen, Kate, and they should be taking care of this mess. We have a lot on our plate. Besides, they’re better equipped at it than we are. It’s the best way. I’m confident of it.”
“I’m glad one of us is.”
She laughed.
“I don’t know how you can laugh. Go to sleep, you idiot. You have to be exhausted and I’m not getting blamed for making you sick,” I said.
“Okay, boss.”
She turned over, but I lay there staring into the darkness, afraid to close my eyes, afraid of falling into that black quicksand again.
And then I had the quickening, that symptom of pseudocyesis Dr. Aaron had described.
If my imagination was that powerful, I should try to put it to good use, I thought, and imagine myself on some South sea island drinking a piña colada.
However, before I could try, I thought the stirring inside me was followed by the wail of an infant so shrill it vibrated through my spine and shook the very foundation of my being.
As silly as it sounded, I hummed a lullaby my mother had sung to me. Fortunately, Willy was already asleep and didn’t hear me or she would surely think I had gone over some deep end. I kept humming to drown out the cries echoing inside my ears.
Soon it worked and I fell asleep as well, the two of us, me and whatever it was within me that had shuddered with fear.