“Dad, will you hand me my sunglasses?”
“As soon as you hand me my dadglasses, Son.”
Q: What did the pen say to the other pen?
A: “You’re inkredible!”
It was easy for me to master braille once I got a feel for it.
Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
A: “Between you and me, something smells.”
“Dad, can you put my shoes on?”
“I don’t think they’d fit me.”
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa.
Q: What do you call a small parent?
A: A minimum!
I’m terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
As a child, it was my dream to make a perfect bar of soap, but somehow it just slipped away.
Q: What do snowmen do in their spare time?
A: They just chill.
Did you hear about the man who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the No Bell Prize.
Q: What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
A: Nobody knows.
Do you want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind; it’s tearable.
My father and I were in the car traveling to a family outing. On the way, after passing a graveyard, my dad asked, “Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?”
“No, why?” I responded.
“People are just dying to get in there!” he replied.
After I groaned, he continued, in all seriousness, “But really, did you know I can’t be buried there?”
“Why not, Dad?” I asked, surprised.
“Because I’m not dead yet!”
The bank robber took a bath after a heist. He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to chorus?
A: He wanted to sing higher!
Did you hear about the houses that fell in love? It was a lawn-distance relationship.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
Never buy anything with Velcro®. It’s a total rip-off.
Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Life Savers®? They say he made a mint.
“Dad, are you going to take a bath?”
“No, I’m leaving it where it is.”
Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? Hundreds of soles were lost.
I worked out so hard, the police put me in jail. I was charged with resisting a rest.
Q: Why can’t you have a nose that is twelve inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got twelve months.
Q: Can February march?
A: No, but April may.
The cops just arrested the Energizer® Bunny™! They charged him with battery.
I got an expensive bill from the electric company this month. I was shocked.
Q: What did one bell say to the other?
A: “Be my valenchime!”
I gave all my dead batteries away today, free of charge.
Q: What’s black, white, and read all over?
A: A newspaper.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it started growing on me.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel after a large chess tournament. Rather than going straight to their rooms, the group stayed together in the lobby discussing the day’s events and their recent victories.
After an hour, the manager of the hotel entered the lobby and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked.
The manager answered, “Because I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Did you hear about the perfume thief? She was convicted of fragrancy.
Q: When does a bed grow longer?
A: At night, because two feet are added to it.
My recliner and I go way back.
My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her. I said maybe.
“Dad, how do I look?”
“With your eyes.”
Somebody stole all my lamps. I couldn’t be more delighted.
Q: Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America?
A: Because freedom rings.
I’d tell you a joke about beds, but it hasn’t been made up yet.
Q: Who is the strongest thief?
A: A shoplifter.
Did you hear about the granny who plugged her electric blanket into the toaster by mistake? She spent the night popping out of bed.
Q: What kind of photos do teeth take?
A: Toothpics!
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.
Q: How do you make a bandstand?
A: Take away their chairs.
My ex misses me, but her aim is improving.
Q: Why did the man throw the clock out the window?
A: Because he heard time flies.
If prisoners could take their own mugshots, they’d be called cell-fies.
“Dad, you put your shoes on the wrong feet!”
“But they’re the only feet I have.”
Is this pool safe for swimming? It deep ends.
When I was feeling down, my friend told me, “It could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I knew he meant well.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A: A stick.
Bells are really obedient objects. They sound off only when they are tolled.
I used to work in a store that required customers to use an account number at checkout. When shoppers were ready, I would ask them for their number, enter it manually, and then ring them up.
One day, a family who I hadn’t seen before entered, and the mom and kids wandered off to start shopping. Meanwhile, the dad approached me while I was serving customers, announced his account number to me, and then ran off to join his family without saying anything else. I thought that was weird, but I went on serving.
About ten minutes later, the family stood in line for my register. When it came to the point where I should have asked for their account number, the dad grinned at me, and I realized what was going on. Fortunately, I have an unusually good memory for numbers and, without skipping a beat, I reeled off the account he told me earlier. The children both gasped and their eyes grew wide, looking at their dad in awe.
As I rang up the shopping items, I heard the dad say, “See? I told you they were psychic.”
Stairs can’t be trusted. They’re always up to something.
Q: What’s musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.
Yesterday I ate a clock. It was very time consuming, especially when I went back for seconds.
I wanted to wear my camo pants today, but I couldn’t find them.
“Dad, I’m cold.”
“Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
My grandmother put wheels on her rocking chair. I guess she wanted to rock and roll.
Q: What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
A: HAND EYEEEEEEEE.
I tried to tell a joke about Julius Caesar, but it was all over the place. I guess you could say the joke was roamin’.
Q: Where do mermaids go to see movies?
A: The dive-in.
Did you hear about the musician who was arrested? She got herself into treble.
“I’ll call you later.”
“Don’t call me later. Call me Dad.”
Q: Why does Peter Pan always fly?
A: He Neverlands.
Never cheat in a limbo contest. It’s the lowest thing you can do.
Q: Why did the girl bring a ruler to bed?
A: She wanted to see how long she slept.
I don’t have any red blood cells, so my doctors are looking in vein.
A friend of mine fell into an upholstery machine, but it’s okay. He has recovered.
Q: Why did the child punch the bed?
A: Her mother told her to hit the hay.
I tried to go to a trampoline park today, but they told me to bounce.
Q: Which birds steal soap from the bath?
A: Robber ducks!
I told my doctor that I always get heartburn when I eat birthday cake. He said that I should take the candles off first.
“Dad, did you get a haircut?”
“No, I got them all cut.”
When I realized I ran out of clean pants today, I felt really depleated.
I’d like a new boomerang, but I can’t seem to be able to throw the old one away.
Q: Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?
A: Because the rest of the days are weakdays.
I’m having trouble organizing a hide-and-seek league. Good players are hard to find.
Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm.
“Dad, are you all right?”
“No, I’m half left and half right.”
There’s a new type of broom out. It’s sweeping the nation.
Q: Why can’t gladiators cry?
A: Because they’re never sad.
I think I have bad posture, but it’s just a hunch.
Today at school, a classmate accidentally hit me with the door as he exited a classroom. Instead of saying sorry, he just looked me over and said, “You’re pretty cute,” and walked away.
At first, I was really offended that he didn’t apologize for hurting me, but then I realized I was literally hit on. I guess you could say that he adored me.
My wife gets mad at me for hiding kitchen utensils. But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Q: How can you shorten a bed?
A: Don’t sleep long in it.
Most chairs are satin.
Did you hear about the printers that learned to play musical instruments? Their band started to paper jam.
Q: What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?
A: Saturday Night Fever.
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Q: What do you call the fear of being trapped in a chimney?
A: Claustrophobia.
I hung up a copy of the U.S. constitution on my wall. I call it the decoration of independence.
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a tuba glue.
Did you hear about the man who misspelled a name on a headstone? He made a grave mistake.
“Dad, your jokes are so bad it’s like punishment.”
“You mean PUNishment?”