I bought the thesaurus I’ve always wanted, but when I opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Q: Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
A: Because he hated capitalism.
Q: Where can you learn how to make the best ice cream?
A: Sundae school.
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you. You have my Word.
Q: What is smarter than a talking cat?
A: A spelling bee!
Q: Where do typists go to get a drink?
A: The Space Bar.
You can’t run through a campsite. You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
Q: Why do bees hum?
A: Because they don’t know the words.
Don’t spell “part” backwards. It’s a trap!
Q: What’s another name for Santa’s elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
A small local newspaper announced it was having a pun contest. A middle-aged man who loved jokes decided to enter. After narrowing down a list of his favorites, he sent ten different puns in the hopes that at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Q: What’s the longest word in the English language?
A: “Smiles,” because there is a mile between the first and last letters.
I visited a school recently and was amazed by the dry-erase boards. They’re remarkable.
Q: How does a pig write home?
A: With a pigpen.
Q: Why wasn’t the geometry teacher at school?
A: Because she sprained her angle!
I ordered a book about puns last week, but I didn’t get it.
Q: What’s a hamburger’s favorite story to read?
A: Hansel and Gristle!
Q: What does an educated owl say?
A: Whom.
Libraries are just too strict. They always go by the books.
Q: How do billboards communicate?
A: Sign language.
Q: What kind of book did Frankenstein’s monster like to read?
A: One with a cemetery plot.
Did you hear about the English professor who went to jail? She got a full sentence.
Q: What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
A: The teacher tends to Babylon.
I was accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Q: What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
A: I don’t know and I don’t care!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German were out for a walk when they stopped to watch a street performer who was excellent at juggling.
The juggler noticed that the four men had a bad view from where they stood in the crowd, so he climbed on a large wooden box and shouted, “Can you all see me now?”
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”
Q: How far do burgers go in school?
A: Through cowllege.
I just learned sign language. It’s pretty handy.
Q: Where did the piglets study their ABCs?
A: At a school for higher loining.
I was really upset after my friend broke my favorite pen. He said, “Don’t worry, I’ll make this write!”
Q: Why are fish so smart?
A: They are always in schools!
Q: What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
A: You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
I was carrying a nine-foot book the other day and a woman asked me what I was doing. I said, “Oh, it’s a long story.”
Q: What subject in school do cattle like the most?
A: Cowculus.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? He couldn’t control his pupils!
Q: What did the pencil say to the paper?
A: “I dot my eyes on you.”
My mom bought me a cheap dictionary for my birthday. I couldn’t find the words to thank her.
Q: What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A: A synonym roll.
I have a master’s degree in being ignored. No one seems to care.
Q: What shoes do linguists wear?
A: Converse.