A skunk was arrested for counterfeiting. Apparently, he gave out bad scents.
Q: How can you double your money?
A: By folding it in half.
Q: What would you do if a bull charged you?
A: Pay whatever it charged!
I wasn’t surprised when the price of balloons went up. There’s always inflation in that business.
Q: Which American president was the least guilty?
A: Abraham Lincoln. He was in a cent.
Q: Why couldn’t the art dealer pay his rent?
A: He ran out of Monet.
I spent all my money on seventeenth-century paintings and classical instruments. Now I’m Baroque.
Q: Why did the lumberjack go to the bank?
A: He wanted to open a shavings account.
Q: Why was the robber so secure?
A: He was a safe robber.
You can’t keep secrets in a bank. There are too many tellers.
I was reading the daily newspaper this morning when I saw a shocking story. About one week ago, the paper had published a report about election fraud. In retaliation for the scandalous exposure, some of the members from the political party that had falsely won attacked the newspaper’s offices last night.
I exclaimed to my coworker, “Can you believe they did that?”
“How horrible! What did they do?” She responded.
“Toppled file cabinets, destroyed some papers, smashed computers…”
“Was there any loss of life?”
“No,” I said. “It looks like just a monitor-y loss.”
Q: Where do Eskimos keep their money?
A: In snowbanks.
Q: Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
A: He wanted rich milk!
I kept putting money into the change machine yesterday, but nothing changed.
Q: Where do plants invest their money?
A: In the stalk market!
Q: How does the Vatican pay bills?
A: They use Papal.
Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
A: A dependent Claus.
Q: When does a female deer need money?
A: When she doesn’t have a buck.
Did you hear that the authorities found all that counterfeited German currency? They were question marks.
Q: What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?
A: A very witch person.
Q: Where does a fish keep its money?
A: In the riverbank!
A man heard about the discovery of gold in California. Like others hoping to cash in on the big rush, he immediately quit his job, packed his possessions, and headed out west. However, after a year trying to mine for gold, the man gave up and returned to his old home completely penniless. It did not pan out.
Q: How can you get rich by eating?
A: Eat fortune cookies.
Q: Who makes a million dollars a day?
A: Someone who works in a mint.
I flipped a coin over an issue the other day, but it was a toss-up.
Q: Why can’t the bank manager ride a bike anymore?
A: He lost his balance.
Q: If you went to a concert for 45 cents, who would play?
A: 50 Cent and Nickelback.
Q: Why is money called dough?
A: Because we all knead it.
Q: When a duck goes shopping, does it pay cash or check?
A: Neither. They put it on the bill.
A persistent banker wouldn’t stop hitting on me, so I asked him to leave me a loan.
Q: How else can you double your money?
A: Look at it in a mirror.
A businessman called the passport agency because he had a question about the documents he would need to fly to China for work. After a long discussion about renewing his passport, the clerk reminded him he would need a visa to travel to that country.
The man said, “Oh, I don’t need that. I’ve been to China many times for work, and I’ve never had one of those.”
Confused, the clerk double-checked his records and replied, “I’m sorry, sir. Your stay will require a visa.”
When he heard this, the man was annoyed. He responded, “Okay, I’ve been to China multiple times. Every single time, they have accepted my American Express!”
Q: How do you know the moon is going broke?
A: It’s down to its last quarter.
Q: What lands as often on its tail as it does its head?
A: A penny.
Q: Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine?
A: He wanted his quarter back.