Did you hear about the burglar who fell into the cement mixer? Now he’s a hardened criminal.
Q: At what time do most people go to the dentist?
A: At tooth-hurty.
A firefighter told me my smoke detectors were too old, but they work just fine. I think he was being alarmist.
I heard the steamroller driver was complimented for doing a good job. He was flattered.
Q: How do bartenders surf the web?
A: On the ginternet.
Did you hear about the guy who was fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Q: Why did the electrician close early on Mondays?
A: Because business was very light.
I’m not happy being a glue salesman, but I stick with it!
A man goes to the eye doctor because he is having vision trouble. When he enters, the receptionist asks him why he is there.
The man complains, “Well, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
The receptionist asks, “Have you ever seen a doctor before?”
And the man replies, “No, just spots.”
Q: Why does an actor enjoy his work so much?
A: Because it’s all play.
I know an archaeologist who had to change professions. Her career is in ruins!
Q: When do astronauts eat?
A: At launch time!
That cowboy’s a lot of laughs. He’s always horsing around.
Q: What do you get if you cross an Egyptian mummy with a car mechanic?
A: Tut and Car Man.
A farmer plowed his field with a steamroller because he wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
Q: What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear?
A: Hare today, gone tomorrow.
Be quiet inside the pharmacy. You might wake the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the farmer fence in the bull?
A: She had too much of a steak in him to let him go!
I’ve always admired fishermen. Now those are reel men.
Q: What’s the worst drink for a soccer player?
A: Penaltea.
My landlord has been telling me that he feels inadequate lately. I wonder if he has a complex.
Did you hear about the composer who won’t get out of bed? He writes a lot of sheet music.
As a lawyer, the number of wrongful convictions shouldn’t surprise me. After all, it’s just trial and error.
I went to a dentist’s funeral yesterday. I guess he’s filled his last cavity.
Q: Why would a golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he gets a hole in one.
I confronted a mime today. He did unspeakable things.
Did you hear about the dancer’s birthday? It was a tappy one!
Q: What kind of burger tells your fortune?
A: A medium burger!
I just finished my first day of excavation training. So far I’m really digging it.
I used to be a bartender for the mob. It was whiskey business.
Q: What should a good lawyer wear to court?
A: A proper lawsuit.
I went to a bridge builders’ seminar. It was absolutely riveting.
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, and in order to raise funds, they decided to open up a small flower shop.
Their shop became wildly popular, as everyone liked helping the friars out, and a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. The florist returned another time to beg the friars to close, and they ignored him.
As a last resort, the rival florist hired Hugh Martin, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to “persuade” the friars to close. Hugh injured them and destroyed most of their store, warning that he would come back if they didn’t close up shop.
Terrified, the friars closed the store, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Did you see that fight between film actors? It was Star Wars.
Q: What did the cook say to the dough?
A: “I knead you!”
If you ever open your own business, try selling stoves. You’ll offer a range of hot products.
Q: Why do firefighters wear red suspenders?
A: To keep their pants up.
If I were an executioner, I would prefer to use an axe. It’s easier to get ahead.
I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
Q: What kind of doctor does a duck visit?
A: A ducktor.
A boxer started dating a pretty girl. I hear she is a knockout!
I once worked as an ice delivery driver. Coolest job I’ve ever had.
Q: What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A: A father-in-law.
Track runners are my inspiration. They get over every hurdle in their way.
Q: Why did the police officer cry over a ticket?
A: It was a moving violation.
I think I want to quit my job. I’d rather clean mirrors for a living. It’s just something I can see myself doing.
I was a doctor for a while but then I quit. Not enough patience.
Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street? They were arch enemies.
Q: Why did the clown wear loud socks?
A: So his feet wouldn’t fall asleep.
The lady helping me at the bank has a big stain on her shirt. Should I teller?
Did you hear about the fortuneteller’s vacation? She went to Palm Beach.
Q: Why did the cowboy ride his horse?
A: Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
I asked my doctor if the ointment she prescribed would clear up my skin spots, but she said she never makes rash promises.
Just because this guy is the only chimney sweep in town, he thinks he can raise his prices through the roof!
Q: Why did the janitor take early retirement?
A: Because he realized that grime doesn’t pay.
Business is slow these days at the medicine factory. You can really hear a cough drop.
The sexiest people tend to be runners. They’re quite attracktive.
Q: How do ironworkers order their steaks?
A: Weld done!
Did you hear about the bored banker? He lost interest in everything.
Q: What did the janitor say when he popped out of the closet?
A: “Supplies!”
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home from work each night. The bartender knew of his habit and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”
“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender. “It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
My dad always said, “Don’t be quick to find faults.” He was a good man, but a terrible geologist.
Q: What burgers make great actors?
A: Hamburgers.
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.
I like when people stick their noses in my business. My company makes tissues.
Q: What do you use to steal a photographer’s legs?
A: A Kneekon.
My dad used to always say, “The sky’s the limit!” That’s probably why he got fired as an astronaut from NASA.
I used to work at a shoe factory, but my sole wasn’t in it.
Q: Who is the most grateful actor?
A: T. Hanks.
Q: When does a farmer dance?
A: When the beet drops.
A doctor broke his leg when he was auditioning for a play. Luckily, he still made the cast.
Don’t trust acupuncturists. They’re backstabbers.