I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

Q: Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

A: Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

Q: What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight?

A: “Don’t look! I’m changing!”

A man gets into a parked taxicab. He taps the driver on the shoulder to tell the driver the address he’s going to. The driver screams.

After composing himself, the driver says, “Don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologizes, “I’m so sorry! But didn’t you know I was going to get in and tell you where to go?”

The driver replies, “It’s not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last twenty-five years!”

Q: What driver doesn’t have a license?

A: A screwdriver.

If goods are damaged in transport, do they become bads?

Q: What part of a car is the laziest?

A: The wheels. They are always tired.

Q: What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

A: It gets toad away.

Q: What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose?

A: Bicycle petals!

I’ve spent twenty years performing maintenance on limos but I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

Q: How do you stop a dog from barking in the back of a car?

A: Put him in the front.

Q: Why didn’t the dinosaur cross the road?

A: Because roads weren’t invented yet.

Did you hear about the truck driver who got a flat tire? It was a wheelie bad time.

Q: What has a horn and gives milk?

A: A milk truck.

Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?

A: Jack!

Q: When does a car stop being a car?

A: When it turns into a driveway.

I can’t get my bicycle to stand up by itself. I think it’s because it’s two-tired.

Q: What kind of a car does a crazy man drive?

A: A locomotive.

Q: What did the bus conductor say to the frog?

A: “Hop on.”

My new job involves working with aircrafts, but it’s a bit plane.

Q: What kind of car drives over water?

A: Any kind of car if it’s on a bridge.

Q: Where do cars get the most flat tires?

A: Where there is a fork in the road.

Q: Which kind of snakes are found on cars?

A: Windshield vipers.

Q: What kind of ears do trains have?

A: Engineers.

Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project about trains? He had to keep track of everything!

Q: What did the bicycle call its dad?

A: Popcycle.

Q: Why was the man driving in his swimsuit?

A: He was in a carpool.

The woman who was hit by a car felt very tired the next day.

Q: Why did the bat miss the bus?

A: Because he hung around for too long.

An officer pulled me over for driving in circles. I was just going for a little spin!

Q: Why do barbers make good drivers?

A: Because they know all the short cuts.

Q: Why did the man put his car in the oven?

A: Because he wanted a hot rod.

A famous art thief attempted to steal paintings from the Louvre in Paris, but he was caught only two blocks away from the scene of the crime because his van ran out of gas.

When the police found him on the side of the road, all the thief could say for himself was, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the van Gogh. But I had to try stealing the paintings and making my getaway because I had nothing Toulouse!”

Q: How do eels get around the seabed?

A: By octobus.

Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers.

Q: Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?

A: It drove pasta stop sign.

Q: How do you take a pig to the hospital?

A: By hambulance!

Q: How do bees get to school?

A: By school buzz!

Q: How do you get Pikachu™ on a bus?

A: You poke-’em-on!

I owe a lot to sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.

Q: Why did no one take the bus to school?

A: It wouldn’t fit through the door.

Q: What’s the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle?

A: The road.

I have a friend who is obsessed with monorails. All she ever talks about these days is monorails—how fast they go, how great they look, how amazing it is that they speed along on just one, single rail. She really has a one-track mind.

Q: What do you call a settee with an outboard motor?

A: A high-speed chaise.

I’m not addicted to brake fluid. I can stop whenever I want.

Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

A: Yamahahaha.

Q: What kind of car does a sheep drive?

A: Subaaru.

Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.

I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

Q: What do you call a depressed traffic jam?

A: Bummer-to-bummer traffic.