Dad calls me for yet another pre-breakfast Bangers and Mash meeting. I really wish they’d realise that it’s a lot easier to do important spy work when you’ve HAD ENOUGH SLEEP.
Sam’s already in Mission Control when I walk in – she gives me a tired smile.
‘HQ have decided that the drop should go ahead,’ Mum says. ‘They’re confident the two of you can handle Curtis.’
I grin at Sam and she grins back, both of us now fully awake – finally, we’re being appreciated for our spy work!
‘But there’s another reason they want it to go ahead,’ Dad says. ‘And I don’t want you to overreact to what I’m about to tell you,’ he goes on.
Uh-oh.
Mum holds up her hands as if warding off a blow. ‘I honestly didn’t expect this.’
‘It’s only because it’s so important,’ Dad says, nodding.
‘And once it’s done, you’ll be free,’ Mum finishes up.
‘WOULD YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!’
Dad looks at Mum and, for once, she lets him say it. ‘HQ need your mum to be in place for her meeting at the time you’re collecting the last package,’ he says. ‘And it’s vital she’s not suspected of having any involvement in this mission – so we need you to be her body double one last time to distract attention away from what she’s really doing.’ He looks at me. ‘We need you to be your mum at parents’ evening.’ He takes a breath. ‘But we also need you to be Josie as well. It’s essential the final collection is made by you and Sam to make sure it goes smoothly.’
‘What do you mean, be Josie as well?’ They can’t be suggesting what I think they’re suggesting. They can’t. ‘How can I be two people at once?’
‘Obviously not at the same time,’ Mum says. ‘Just a brief appearance as one and then a brief appearance as the other. HQ think you and Sam will have a better chance of dealing with Curtis by working together,’ Mum finishes up.
I stare at them. Since this whole by-the-way-we’re-not-normal-parents-but-spies-on-the-run thing came up, they’ve made me dress as a girl, put on a tutu to take ballet lessons, and pretend to be my own mother. Now they’re telling me I’ve got to be Josie and Mum on the SAME DAY?
‘No, no, no, no, no.’
‘We understand how you feel, honestly,’ Mum starts.
‘NO WAY.’
‘It’s for half an hour – max!’ Dad says.
‘NEVER.’
‘It means you’ll protect your mum and you’ll get to be Joe again,’ Sam says.
I look at Sam. She looks at me.
I really hate it when people are right.
Now that I’ve agreed to the Worst Mission Ever, Mum and Dad go into top gear. Mum tries to tell me all the words I can and can’t say when I’m pretending to be her, while Dad tries to hand every gadget known to spy-kind to us. He gives Sam and me a pair of Cats’ Eye Contacts each – contact lenses with in-built X-ray technology that makes it possible for you to see through up to three centimetres of any material.
‘You have to take the drop to where your mum is,’ Dad says. ‘Because I’ll be decoding the instructions to give her as the mission starts. These might come in useful.’
‘Remember, if Curtis catches you, it could ruin everything,’ Mum says.
Mum’s a great spy, but she’s not very good at encouraging confidence.
Sam doesn’t say much on the bus to school and neither do I. Once we get through Mission Tricky I won’t see Sam any more. But I’ll also be able to be me again. It’s like Sad meets Happy and they get into a fight where you can’t tell who’s winning.
And most of all I’m thinking, what if I mess this up?
Curtis seems to be staring at me and Sam all day. Any hope that he might suspect some of the other girls is gone. It’s obvious that he’s decided to focus – on us.
While we’re working on our Egypt projects, Sam writes me a message in the reversed alphabet code: YIRMT RG LM, NI NLOV. XZGXS FH RU BLF XZM.
Bring it on, Mr Mole. Catch us if you can.
After school, Mum and Dad make me rehearse the quick change I’m going to need to do, hopefully only once.
‘Remember that it’s all about the detail,’ he says. ‘One wrong element and –’
‘Yeah, okay, I know,’ I tell him. I don’t need Dad making me feel worse – my stomach already feels like a bowl of waltzing worms.
After a few tries, I get the change down to two minutes and twenty seconds.
‘I guess that will have to do,’ Dad says.
What does he expect? Superman?
Everything’s been timed and planned to the last second – Dad even makes us synchronise our watches. My fingers are shaking as I button up the top for my Mum Disguise and put the Voice Over around my throat.
‘Ready?’ Dad holds the door open.
‘Ready,’ I tell him, picking up the extra-large handbag that holds my Josie clothes. Sam’s carrying her rucksack with the various gadgets we’re going to need tonight. We’ve arranged with Sam’s mum that Sam’s going to come to the school with us and meet her mum there. Sam wears a hooded sweatshirt so that at a distance she can be mistaken for me and the three of us get into the car. Apart from one wobble on the heels as I open the car door, so far so good.
When we get to the school, I take a deep breath.
Dad turns to me. ‘Remember, say as little as possible.’
‘I know, Jed,’ I say – and it is cool to see how Dad flinches when he hears my mum’s voice telling him off.
Sam goes off to find her mum and Dad and I walk into the school and make our way over to Ms Hardy.
She smiles at us. ‘Hello – is Josie coming along tonight?’
‘Oh yes,’ Dad says. ‘She’s just gone to the loo.’
‘Ah, right,’ Ms Hardy says. ‘Do you want to wait for her?’
You’d be waiting a long time, I think.
‘No, no,’ Dad says. ‘That’s all right.’
Ms Hardy smiles at me and I realise that I have to say something or she’ll think I’m weird. Comment on clothes or the weather, I remember. ‘What a lovely red dress,’ I say. ‘It goes perfectly with your eyes.’
Oops.
‘Hahaha! Zelia has a bit of a sense of humour,’ Dad says, at the same time as he nudges me sharply in the ribs.
I laugh. ‘Yes, sorry! Just a little joke.’
Ms Hardy smiles, but in a thin-lipped, not very amused way. ‘Yes, well. Now, Josie is doing quite well, though she does appear to be a little distracted at times.’
It takes a lot of effort not to glare at her. She should try having to dress as a girl when you’re really a boy, and running missions as well as doing your homework. She’d be distracted too.
‘Yes,’ Dad says. ‘Concentration is a bit of an issue with Josie.’
‘I think she tries very hard, actually,’ I say. I might have to pretend to be Mum but I don’t see why I shouldn’t speak up for myself. Or her. Or me being her. Or whoever I’m supposed to be.
Dad’s phone bleeps. ‘Sorry,’ he says, ‘it’s a text from work.’
That’s my cue. ‘If you’ll excuse me for a moment, I need to pop to the loo,’ I say. ‘But go ahead and look at Josie’s work, Jed – I’ve seen it all already.’
‘You have? I didn’t think she’d taken any of it home.’ Ms Hardy sorts through the folder in front of her, frowning.
Double oops.
Dad shakes his head at me so hard it might come off.
‘Oh, I mean, Josie’s talked so much about her school work that I feel like I’ve seen it,’ I say quickly. ‘She’s very talented, you know,’ I add. ‘And very, very intelligent.’
Dad laughs his big, completely fake laugh. ‘You would say that, Zelia, you’re her mother.’
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘But that doesn’t mean it’s not true.’
And then I walk across the school hall towards the toilets. I only slip once, just as I’m going in and then I’m inside the cubicle, ripping off the Voice Over, the heels and the wig and wiggling out of the jacket, skirt, blouse and bra. I stuff the clothes into the handbag, and shove it into one of the lockers, then I check my watch – two minutes and ten seconds. Take that, Dad.
I’m just about to go out of the toilets when Sam comes in.
‘Uh, Josie? Aren’t you forgetting something?’ Sam points at my face.
Triple oops – I grab a piece of tissue and wipe off the repulsive lip gloss. I can’t believe I forgot that!
‘Ready to go?’
Sam nods and we exit the toilets, quickly checking around us.
‘Time to start Mission Tricky,’ whispers Sam.
‘Let’s make it a good one,’ I whisper back.
We split up when we get to the hall. I go back over to where Dad is sitting with Ms Hardy. ‘Josie! There you are!’ Dad says. ‘We thought we’d lost you!’
‘Sorry,’ I say.
‘That’s no problem,’ Ms Hardy says. ‘We were finishing up really. I was telling your father that you’re doing very well overall.’
I think so too.
‘I did want to talk to your mother for just one more minute, though,’ Ms Hardy says.
‘Won’t I do?’ Dad laughs but his knuckles turn white where he’s holding his jacket – this wasn’t in the plan!
Ms Hardy smiles. ‘I’m afraid not. You see, I’d like to ask her about coming in to speak to the class about her career. I try to get a good mix of both mothers and fathers coming into the classroom.’
‘Ah, right, I see.’ Dad looks at me. ‘Maybe you could go find your mother, Josie?’ He checks his watch. ‘I think she’s got just enough time to come and have a word with Ms Hardy before we have to go.’
‘I’ll be right back,’ I say.
I walk as quickly as I can back through the crowd of people that’s built up. I almost knock Evie over on my way and she laughs. ‘What’s the rush, Josie?’
I think about telling her that I need to get changed back into my Mum Disguise as quickly as possible so that I don’t miss the timing of the top-secret drop that’s connected to my mum’s mission. I’d quite like to see Evie’s expression. But I don’t, of course. ‘I need the loo,’ I say instead, and run past her.
As I’m about to go into the toilets I see Curtis coming towards me down the corridor.
This is not good – if he sees me go in to the loos as Josie and come out as my mum, he might put two and two together and come up with a ‘spy in disguise’.
Suddenly our carefully constructed plan is falling apart.