“So you’re really going to LA?” Finn looked at me with a disappointed stare. I could tell from the look in his eyes that he was annoyed, and I didn’t blame him. But, frankly, I’d just about had enough of everything.
“Yep. I’m going to LA.”
“Dude. Why would you say that? In front of Marcia and Susie? Are you trying to make me look like a jerk, just like you?”
“How am I trying to make you look like a jerk, Finn? You were there with me. Am I lying?”
“Dude. You do not tell a guy, in front of his girlfriend, to remember the time he was motorboating some chick in the back of a limo.”
“So you do remember?”
“How could I forget that night? It was crazy.” He shook his head. “But those days are behind me. How do you not understand that?”
“I was just trying to remind you who Marianna was because you couldn’t seem to remember.”
“Does it really matter? If you want to go to LA, go to LA, but don’t treat me like shit in the process. Don’t treat my girlfriend like shit. And you sure as hell better not treat her best friend like shit. What’s come over you, dude?”
“It’s not my fault if Susie thinks that we have something just because I went down on her once. Like, that’s nothing. We haven’t even fucked.”
“Brody, do you listen to yourself? Do you hear what you’re saying? You’re the one that’s being a jackass here, not Susie.”
“I just don’t want her to get the wrong impression because we had some fun last night. She seems like she might be clingy, just like Marcia.”
“Whoa, hold up. Are you trying to dis my girlfriend now?”
“Let’s be real, dude. You got some sex and now—”
“Hey.” He grabbed me by the collar, his other fist clenched at his side. “Don’t make me break your arm. You’ve got an awfully expensive contract to play out.”
“Okay, okay. My bad,” I sighed. “It’s just been a rough couple of days.”
“I thought you had fun.”
“It was cool, but it’s just been a lot.”
“What’s the deal with you having two brothers and only telling me about one of them?”
“Dude, I don’t know why you’re making it into something it’s not. Does it really matter? It’s not like I have sisters you can bang.”
“Why do you talk about women like that? Why do you—”
“I’m sorry. It’s my bad. I’ll apologize to Susie. I’ll apologize to Marcia. I’ll make it all good. Okay? And then I got to get to the airport, because my flight is in a couple of hours.”
“So you’re not even going with us to the airport?” He looked even more disappointed. “Brody, man.”
“What, Finn? Just because you’re coupled up and domestically blissed doesn’t mean I have to be as well. I’m living my life. I’m doing the things you wish you could be doing.”
“No, man. I don’t wish I could be screwing nameless women.”
“Well, then that’s on you.” I looked at my watch. “Anyway, I need to go pack. I want to eat my breakfast and then go.”
“Brody.” Finn sighed. “Look, we’ve been friends for a long time, and I know we’re dudes and all, and we don’t show our feelings. I’ve never really asked you much about your past or your childhood or anything, but if there’s ever anything you need to talk to me about, let me know. And if you don’t want to talk to me,” he said quickly, “I know a good therapist.”
“I don’t do therapy.” I narrowed my eyes. “I’m not fucking crazy.”
“I didn’t say you were crazy. But if you’ve got shit in your past that you don’t really want to talk about with anyone? Maybe a therapist could help. Get some of that anger out, or whatever’s causing you to be such an asshole.”
“She’s really got your nutsack tied up. Huh?”
He shook his head. “I still have faith in you, but it’s really, really low right now.”
“Okay, I’m so sad. Like whatever, dude. I’ve got millions of dollars and hundreds of girls that will be there for me.”
“Do you think they’ll really be there for you? Would they be there for you if you didn’t have any money?” He stared at me for a few seconds, and I just stared back at him.
“Well, that’s a question I don’t really have to ask right now because I have millions.” I shrugged. “And to be honest, my portfolio is looking better every day. So I’m not really worried about—”
“That’s not the point.”
“Anyway, let’s go finish breakfast.”
“You and I, we need to have a longer talk when we get back to New York.” Finn sounded aggravated, and my guilt doubled.
“Okay,” I said. “Whatever.”
“Whatever, indeed.” He shook his head, and we headed back toward the restaurant.
Marcia and Susie gave us a quick glance and then turned back to face each other. My heart was racing. And even though I wouldn’t admit it to Finn, I was ashamed of myself. What I’d said wasn’t cool—telling them about Susie and my previous night. And then telling Marcia about Finn motorboating someone else… I knew that wasn’t cool.
When they brought up my brothers, well, it struck a nerve in me, because I didn’t normally talk about my younger brother. In fact, I made it a point never to mention him, because I didn’t want people asking me questions. I didn’t want to think about those days.
Ever since I’d gone to college, I’d created a new identity. And yet when I’d been talking to Susie and telling her stories, I’d forgotten about those guards. I’d told her stories that I’d never told anyone else. I told her things that I hadn’t even wanted to remember until the words had come out of my mouth.
“Hey,” I said as I stopped next to the table. I cleared my throat and ran my hands through my hair, then spoke first to Marcia. “I’m sorry about what I said earlier. It really wasn’t my place to talk about Finn and his previous life. I hope I didn’t upset you.”
“It’s okay,” Marcia said with a brief nod. She didn’t smile, and I could tell she didn’t particularly like me in this moment. I’d have to work on earning her forgiveness, because she was Finn’s girlfriend, and I was pretty confident they’d get married one day. There was no way I was going to lose my best friend because I was a douche to his girlfriend.
I then looked at Susie who was obstinately ignoring me. I sat down in the chair next to her and tapped her on the shoulder. “Can we speak?” I said.
She turned to me slowly and stared at me with blank eyes. “What?” She was pissed. And I deserved it, of course, but it didn’t make me feel good.
“Hey, I’m sorry as well. I shouldn’t have told them about last night, and I’ve been acting very immature.”
“Yep. You have been.”
“I’m just sorry, okay? I had a really good time with you, and these last couple of days have been special. I didn’t mean to ruin that by being a jerk, and I really hope I didn’t ruin our friendship”—I made a face—“or more.”
“There is no more, Brody.” She rolled her eyes. “Are you joking?”
“Well, I don’t know. Last night was fun and maybe one day we’ll sleep together.”
I couldn’t stop myself, and she just stared at me with huge eyes.
“Brody Wainwright, I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last man on earth. Do you understand me? Not if you were the last man on earth.”
“Wow. Okay. Well, tell me how you really feel.”
She sighed, and I could see that Marcia was looking pissed off as well.
I held my hands up in the air. “My bad. I’m sorry. I guess I have a teenage boy sense of humor when I’m among women. I should really clean up my act.”
“Yeah, you should,” Marcia said pointedly. Then she looked at Finn. “I really hope you’re not like this as well, Finn.”
“Hey, you know me,” Finn replied. “Don’t shoot the messenger.”
“What messenger are you?” Marcia said. “What message are you giving us?”
“Maybe I used the wrong phrase there. But don’t shoot me just because he’s my friend. He knows he messed up, and he’s sorry. Right, Brody?”
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. And”—I sighed—“I’ll make sure when I see you guys again, I’ll mind my Ps and Qs. Okay?”
“Whatever,” Susie said, and Marcia just nodded.
I looked at Finn and he shrugged.
“Well, I think I’m going to have an omelet,” I said to no one in particular.
Marcia and Susie started talking about something that had nothing to do with the situation, and I just sat there, uneasy. I’d really fucked up. I’d taken a good situation and made it bad. And yet I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t know how to be sincere. And I didn’t know how to tell Susie that the last few days had been some of the best days of my life. That talking to her and getting to know her had been really, really special.
I didn’t know how to tell her, because I didn’t even want to admit it to myself. If I analyzed what I was feeling too much, I had a feeling my walls would come down, and there was no way I was going to open up my heart to any more pain. I’d been through the most heartbreaking pain of my life, and I barely made it through. I couldn’t afford to let my walls down and make myself vulnerable. Again.
I sat there for a couple more minutes, being ignored, and realized that I couldn’t sit there anymore. I jumped up and bowed. “I’m going to go pack and catch a cab to the airport. Catch you later, guys.”
I walked away from the table before any of them could respond and let myself into the hotel room. I packed up my stuff quickly and sat on the bed for a couple of seconds, staring at Susie’s side of the mattress. I bent down and sniffed the pillow for a few seconds. It was creepy, but it smelled like her. I sat up, wondering what the hell I was doing with my life. Wondering if I would ever feel complete and whole again.
I grabbed my suitcase and headed toward the door, and it opened just as I was about to walk out. Susie walked in, a bleakness in her brown eyes as she stared at me.
“So you’re going now,” she said softly. I nodded. She opened the door wider. “You can go, then.” She ushered to the empty space.
“Close the door,” I said. My heart was racing fast, and I almost felt like I was made of glass about to shatter into a million pieces. I didn’t understand how or why I was feeling this way. “You finish your breakfast already?” I asked.
“No. But I didn’t want you to leave without me saying goodbye.” She licked her lip nervously, and my heart expanded at her words. She truly was a good person—too good of a person for me, almost certainly. But that didn’t stop me from wanting her, needing her.
I like you, I wanted to say. I really like you.
But the words didn’t come.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you, Brody. I don’t know why you’ve been such an asshole, and why you always have your defenses up. But I just wanted to say that I had a good time getting to know you these last couple of days. The real you. The you behind the mask. And I like that guy. He’s a nice guy, a fun guy. And I do believe that he’s real.” Her voice caught.
She rubbed her forehead and played with her hair, and I wanted to pull her toward me and kiss her.
“I know I probably sound like a fool,” she said, “because you haven’t really given me any reason to say any of these things. But I hope you know that you are worthy of so much more than you’re allowing yourself to experience.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said.
“You do.” She nodded and looked into my eyes, and we just stared at each other for what felt like an eternity.
I could drown in her eyes. I could live forever in their silky expanse. She was beautiful—probably the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen in my life. She had an aura to her that was loving and caring and kind, and it made me feel comfortable. It made me feel safe, which was a weird feeling for me. I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t know what to think, or what to say.
“I hope you have a nice flight to Los Angeles,” she said. “I hope you have a good time with your cheerleader friends and whoever.” Her voice cracked and she looked away.
I wanted to tell her that I didn’t want to go, but I had to. I had to be the Brody Wainwright that I was comfortable being. I had to be the man that didn’t get close.
I grabbed her hands and pulled her toward me, and I bent down and kissed her hard. I pulled on her curls, and she arched her back so that her breasts were crushed against me. She kissed me back passionately—her hands around my neck, digging into my skin. I grabbed her around the waist and thrust her into me so that she could feel the hardness of my erection against her. I wanted her so badly. I needed her. My hands moved up her waist and cupped her breast, and she whimpered against my lips.
And then she pushed me back, anger in her eyes. “Don’t kiss me,” she said. “You don’t get to do that.”
“You seem to like it,” I said softly.
“Maybe,” she said. “But just because I liked it doesn’t mean I want to do it with you. Just because I liked it doesn’t mean you’re a good guy. Go, Brody. Go do whatever you want to do. I’ve had enough of you.”