The doorbell rang as I was playing a game on my phone, and I felt too lazy to move.
“Can you get that, Marcia?”
“I’m in the bathroom, so no.”
I huffed as I got off of the couch. I was not in the mood for anything today. I peeked through the hole, but it was blocked by something red. I let out a deep sigh and opened the door.
“Yes, can I help you?” There was a man standing there in a suit, holding a bunch of balloons and a box of chocolates.”
“Are you, Susie?”
“Uh, yes. Why?”
The man handed me the balloons and chocolates and pulled out his phone. All of a sudden some classical music started playing and he gave me a quick bow. I gawked at him and watched as he straightened up and pulled a card out of his pocket.
“Sorry, I normally memorize these, but this was last minute and very long.” He shrugged. “A one, a two, a one, two…Susie Benedict, I am a fool. I stood you up and it wasn’t cool. I’ve made so many mistakes, I think it’s only fair, that you ignore me; even though I have good hair. I think you’re beautiful, I love your smile. The sun rises and shines, but it’s not brighter than the look in your eyes. I know I’m an idiot, I know I’m immature, but I’m begging for you to give me just one more, one more chance to show you, I can be a better man. Just one more chance to show you, that I can change. I have things I want to tell you. Try to explain why. Please do me the honor of coming to my side. I’m not a writer as good as you, but this is from my heart and all I could do.” The man took a deep breath and bowed again.
“This is a singing telegram from Brody Wainwright.” He smiled at me and I just stared at him with wide eyes and twitching lips.
“What in the world?” I wasn’t sure what else to say.
“I’m guessing Mr. Brody is a guy that messed up huh?” The man in the suit shrugged. “Maybe hear what he has to say? If he’s still a douche, just leave?”
“True.” I smiled. “It doesn’t hurt to listen.”
“It truly doesn’t. You have a nice day, Susie.” He bowed again and then he was gone. I closed the door behind me and stared at the ten balloons in my hand and the box of Godiva chocolate. It obviously wasn’t enough to make me forgive Brody, but it was a start. I opened the box of chocolates and popped one in my mouth. Brody Wainwright was a complex man, but I was starting to think that maybe he was a lot deeper than he’d ever let on.
“I really don’t know if I should be going, but I guess I want some answers,” I said to Marcia as we made our way up to Finn’s apartment. This was going to be the first time I’d actually gone to his apartment, and I was excited to see it, though I was more confused as to why Brody had summoned me there.
“I know. You really don’t have to go,” Marcia said, squeezing my hand. “I told Finn that Brody’s expecting a lot, and he doesn’t deserve it. He’s done nothing for you to forgive him.”
“I know, but if I don’t go and listen, then I’ll always wonder what happened, you know? And I don’t just want to hear it from Finn. I’d kind of like to hear it from Brody’s own mouth.”
“I know,” she said. “I’d be the same way. It’s just that he sucks. Finn had to go pick him up from a bar. He was drunk off his rocker, barely conscious. The bartender said he’d been there all day.”
“All day?” I stared at her in surprise. “So instead of coming to take me to breakfast, he went to the bar?”
“I guess so. He’s some sort of lush or something. I told Finn that perhaps he should be going to AA.”
“Is he an alcoholic?”
“I don’t know. I know him as much as you do. In fact, I know him less than you do. But something just doesn’t seem right.”
“I know, but hopefully it’ll make sense when he tells us.”
“Yeah, I guess.” She shrugged. “I mean, honestly, it just sounds like he’s still living that young man lifestyle; both mentally and physically. Maybe he thinks he’s a P I M P pimp.”
“What?”
“Hey, those aren’t my words. Those are the words in the rap songs.”
“Which rap song are you talking about?”
“You know what I mean.”
“I guess,” I said. “But let’s give him a chance, yeah?”
“Why and how are you so understanding? You have the patience of a saint.”
“Not really. I kind of want to slap him and scream at him, but I’ll do that after he tells us what’s up.”
“Good idea.” We finally made it outside Finn’s door, and she knocked.
“Oh, I thought he gave you a key?”
“He did.” She grinned. “But I don’t want to seem too familiar.”
“Doesn’t he want you to move in? How is you opening the door with the key that he gave you too familiar?”
“Yeah, he loves me. And yeah, he wants to be with me, but I’m worried that if I start showing I’m too eager, he’s going to get cold feet.”
“No, he’s not.”
“Trust me. Every guy gets cold feet. They love the chase, and once they’ve got you, well… You’ve got to always keep things new and different.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve got to keep them on their toes,” she said. “Play a little hard to get sometimes.”
“Marcia, you do not play hard to get with Finn whatsoever.”
“Okay, okay. So I haven’t actually started following through on those rules yet.”
“Hey,” Finn said as he opened the door. He leaned down and gave Marcia a kiss on the lips. “Why didn’t you use your key?”
“I didn’t want to walk in, just in case you or Brody were naked.”
“Um, why would we be walking around naked?” he said, staring at her.
“I don’t know,” she said. “Maybe it’s a guy thing.”
“No, it’s not. Come in. Hey, Susie,” he said, looking at me. “Thanks for coming. I know you probably didn’t want to, but I think it will mean a lot to Brody.”
“Yeah. I mean, honestly, I just came because I want to know why he stood me up, you know?”
“Yeah, I know,” he said. “And hopefully he has a good answer for that.”
“Oh, you don’t know why?”
“No. I asked him what his explanation was, and he said he didn’t want to say anything until you were here because he only wanted to tell the story once.”
“That’s so he doesn’t forget his lies,” Marcia said.
“I don’t think so,” Finn said seriously. “I think whatever he has to tell us, it’s important.” He sighed. “So try not to be too hard on him, okay? At least, not until after he’s spoken.”
“Yeah, sure.” I looked around the apartment. “What a stunning view. Oh my gosh,” I said as I hurried over to the window. “Is that the Chrysler Building? And that’s Central Park? Wow. This is absolutely amazing. You’re so lucky, Marcia.”
“It’s okay.” She grinned. “I actually kind of want him to move.”
“What, why?”
“You know,” she said. “History.”
“What?”
“She doesn’t like the fact that I’ve had other women here,” he said, rolling his eyes. “But none of them were special. None of them...”
“It doesn’t matter if they were special or not. I don’t like thinking that the bed I’m sharing with you is a bed you’ve shared with other women.”
“I can just change the bed.”
“Yeah, but I don’t want to think about you with other women at all.”
“Fine, Marcia. We can look for another place.” And then we heard someone clearing their throat. I looked up and it was Brody. He looked like shit. Handsome still, of course, but like shit. His eyes were red, and his face was pale. He was wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and a white T-shirt, and he was staring directly at me.
“Hey, Susie,” he said, his voice gruff and soft, and he walked toward me. I didn’t smile, and I didn’t even respond. “I’m really sorry about yesterday. I should have texted or called.”
“Yeah, you should have. I texted you and I called you, and you didn’t even bother responding.”
“I turned my phone off.”
“Before or after I texted or called?” He took a deep breath and sighed. I watched as he ran his hands through his hair and counted to three. I wondered what that was about.
“I got you some roses, you know.”
“Oh, where are they?” I looked around the apartment.
“I left them on a park bench.” He sighed. “So I guess that doesn’t really count, huh?”
“Nope.”
“I got you three different colors. I think yellow and purple and pink, or maybe red. I can’t remember.”
“Okay?”
“They all symbolize different things, you know?”
“Yep, I’ve heard that.”
“One was for friendship, and one was for passion, and—”
“Brody,” Finn interrupted him. “I’m not trying to be a dick here, but I don’t think Susie cares about the roses you got for her and don’t actually have.”
“I know. I just wanted you to know,” he said, staring at me.
“Yeah. I didn’t come here for small talk. Finn said that whatever you had to say, you wanted to say in front of me as well. So I figured I’d come, because I don’t want to be eighty years old wondering, ‘Oh, whatever happened with that one dude, Brody Wainwright? Why didn’t he show up that day?’”
“You think you’ll be thinking about me when you’re eighty years old?” His lips twitched and he smiled.
“No,” I said, glaring at him.
“Okay. I guess I deserve that. Shall we have a seat?”
“Yeah.”
“I made some coffee.” Finn looked around the room. “Anyone else want some?”
“I would love some,” Brody answered.
“Me too,” I said.
“Okay. Marcia, help me?”
“You got it.”
They headed toward what I assumed was the kitchen, and I went to the living room couch and sat down. Brody sat down next to me and grabbed my hands. I pulled them away quickly.
“Please don’t.”
“You’re pissed off at me, huh?”
“Yeah, you think?” I said, glaring at him. “You made a breakfast date with me, you didn’t show up, and you didn’t even call to cancel or text me? I was worried sick about you, and I was upset. I didn’t know what happened. And you know what, Brody? Like, this is all just a lot. You were an asshole when we went camping. You were an asshole on the phone. I was finally going to give you a chance, and then you were a fucking asshole again. Like, what do you want from me? I’m done giving you chances.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You know what? Sorry doesn’t cut it. Sorry doesn’t make me feel better. Sorry doesn’t give me back the hours I spent wasted, worrying, calling freaking hospitals and police stations.”
“You called hospitals?” There was a light in his eyes.
“Yeah. Like I said, I was worried.”
“I didn’t mean to make you worry.”
“You didn’t care.”
“I did. I… I was selfish, and I was only thinking about myself.” He sat back. “I know there’s nothing I can say or do to make up for everything, but I do owe you an explanation, and I hope once you hear my explanation, you can find it in your heart to forgive me and…” He shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Yeah, well, we’ll see.” I looked up as Finn and Marcia walked back into the room with cups of coffee. I smiled when I saw that Marcia also had a plate with croissants on it. “Thanks, girl.”
“You’re welcome.” She placed them down on the coffee table and then sat on the other side of the room in a small leather chair. Finn went and stood by the window and sipped on his coffee.
“Okay, whenever you’re ready, Brody.” Finn prodded.
Brody stood up and started pacing the floor in the living room. “Before I say anything else, I contacted my agent. There’s a publisher who wants me to write a book.” He stared at me. “And they are looking for other authors as well, debut authors. I told him I knew someone…who was talented…who deserved a chance. He would love to meet up with you next week, if you’re free.”
“You didn’t have to do that.” I was shocked at what he’d done and didn’t even know if I could or should accept.
“I would do anything to make your dreams come true.” He said softly and there was a fire in his eyes as he gazed at me. “I know I haven’t done much to show you that I can be a good guy, but…I want to.” He sighed. “But I guess you need to understand some things first.” He choked up slightly.
“I’m listening.” I could feel my resolve weakening as I realized just how emotional this was for him. I had a feeling he’d never been in such a vulnerable position before in his life.
“This is kind of hard for me to talk about,” he said, “and honestly, I never thought that I would, but I owe all of you an explanation.” He looked at Finn.
“You’re my best friend, and you’ve always been by my side. You’ve always had my back, and I owe you the truth.” He turned to Marcia. “You’re Finn’s girl. I’ve disrespected you, and I’ve disrespected your best friend. And for that, I apologize.”
And then he looked at me. I could feel my heart racing as I saw the sincerity in his eyes. He headed toward me, then crouched down on the ground in front of me and grabbed my hand. This time, I didn’t pull away.
“And you, Susie. I don’t know what to say actually. You’ve touched a part of me I didn’t know existed. You’ve given me something I never thought I would feel again.”
He stopped then and took a deep breath. “I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. This isn’t usually how I operate.” He jumped back up. “So, I guess I’ll start at the beginning. Maybe if you have questions, guys, you’ll save them till the end?”
“Okay,” I said and nodded. Finn and Marcia nodded as well.
“So I grew up in Pennsylvania, and my grandparents lived in Kentucky. I had an older brother, Michael, and a younger brother, Patrick, and we were all pretty close. Though, Michael and Patrick were best friends. They could have been clones.”
He shook his head. “They were into exactly the same things—playing football, baseball, soccer, basketball. They used to like to go foraging and shooting. Wherever Michael was, Patrick was as well. Michael was a football player, but Patrick… He was a baseball player. He had a real gift. Everyone talked about it. Everyone knew it. We all expected him to go pro when he was older. He was fearless. He was the baby of the family, yet he could do anything he wanted. And he and Michael lived life that way.”
“You weren’t the star baseball player?” Marcia said, and then she pressed her hand against her mouth. “Sorry, I forgot we’re not meant to speak.”
“No, it’s okay. And no, I hated sports when I was young. I couldn’t throw a ball to save my life. I couldn’t even hit a ball. I hated football and I hated basketball. I was always with my books. My grams, you see, she’d wanted a granddaughter. And I guess she’d wanted someone to knit and crochet and share a love of reading with.
“Well, I wasn’t into crocheting or knitting or anything like that, but I love to read. And so, she’d share her favorite books with me, and I’d spend my days reading and doing little science projects. I had a book of bird and butterfly classifications, and I’d walk around the farm and name every insect and every bird that I’d see, then I’d write it down in a little black journal.”
He laughed. “Ironic, huh? My first black journal wasn’t for girls’ names or women that I wanted to be with or had been with. It was on insects I found on my grandparents’ farm. Of course, my brothers teased me for it. I was the nerd of the family. And of course, when I was in school, I was teased because I wasn’t a real Wainwright. How could I be a Wainwright if I wasn’t into sports? Michael had paved the way for all of us, being the genius that he was. He was the sports star, and then came me. But it didn’t matter so much because there was Patrick. Patrick was great and everyone talked about him. And I didn’t mind, not really. Until one day, when there was this girl.”
“There’s always a girl,” Finn said, shaking his head. Brody nodded and then looked at me.
“Yep. There’s always a girl that changes everything. I liked her, you know? I wanted to ask her out. I thought I had a shot. But she laughed and her friends laughed, and pretty much everyone in school laughed about the fact that I could possibly think a geek like me would get to date a popular, beautiful girl like her. And then I got angry, because I was a Wainwright. I was the same as Michael and Patrick. Everyone said it. We all looked the same, and we came from the same DNA, yet they were popular and I was no one. We went to my grandparents’ farm, and I was seething and ignoring them. And they wanted to go chop firewood or something.”
“Oh?” I said softly as he stopped. He looked off into the distance, and it was as if he was back in that moment. I watched a gamut of emotions cross his face, and he shook his head as if to clear his thoughts.
“I had this idea that we could pretend to be Tarzan. I don’t know why. Maybe I wanted to prove to them that I was a man as well, that I could do manly things and didn’t just have to have a book in my hands. I don’t know. But I remember Patrick… He took the axe and…” He paused, his voice cracking.
“Are you okay, Brody?” Marcia said softly. I looked over at her, surprised. I could see sadness and worry in her face, and I realized she was just as touched as I was by his story.
Finn walked over to Brody and put his arm around his shoulder. “Dude, if it’s too much, you don’t have to continue.”
“No, I want to,” he said, and then he came and sat by me. “I never thought I’d tell this story to anyone. But since meeting you… Well, anyway. We went out into the forest, and we were swinging on vines. Don’t ask what vines. I can’t even remember now. I think it was branches that were hanging. But in my eyes, they were vines. I was a teenage boy, you know?”
“Yeah,” I said, “I get it. The imagination is a wonderful place.”
“And then there was this tree.” He chewed on his lower lip. “And we decided to have a competition. We decided to see who could climb the highest. And of course, I wanted to prove myself, and so I climbed and climbed and climbed so high. Michael stopped. He wouldn’t admit it, but he was kind of scared of heights, so he gave up first. But Patrick… Oh, Patrick was fearless, and he climbed that tree with me. He wasn’t going to let me beat him. We got up high, and he was doing great. He was going to beat me. But I…”
His voice choked. “I decided to go out on a limb that I shouldn’t have, and then it started to break, and Patrick, well, even though he was the youngest, he was the superhero of the family. He said, ‘Grab my hand.’ And I said, ‘I can’t, it’s too far.’ And I should have taught him to stop. I should have…”
I could see tears welling in his eyes, and he started sobbing. “He fell. He fell. It must have been twenty feet, thirty feet… I don’t even know how high. All I can remember is Michael’s scream. I don’t even know how I did it, but I got off that limb and I clambered down. It must have been the adrenaline or the shock. I don’t know what. And I just remember seeing his face—innocent, young—and his limbs all twisted, and he wasn’t breathing. And his head was cracked, and it was bleeding, and he wasn’t breathing. I tried to drop to my knees and give him mouth to mouth, but it didn’t matter. And Michael just stood there and… It was horrible. He was dead. The doctors say probably on impact.”
He looked at me then. “And I carry it. I carry it to this day. I killed my brother.”
“You didn’t kill him. Oh my gosh, Brody, you can’t carry that with you. You didn’t…”
“I did. If it wasn’t for me having to prove myself, for me feeling like a loser…” He jumped up. “So I finished out high school, and of course my parents hated me and Michael hated me, and some words were said.”
“What words were said?” I asked him. I jumped up and walked over to him and grabbed his hands. I pulled him to me. “Look at me, Brody. What words were said?”
I knew it would probably hurt him to tell me, but if they were negative, he needed someone to counteract them. He needed someone to tell him that those words weren’t true.
“My parents said that it should have been me, and Michael agreed.”
“Oh, my word. No, Brody. How could they say that? That’s horrible. It’s…”
“They regretted it. I mean, I never spoke to them really after that. When your parents tell you that they wish you would’ve died… It was in grief, of course, but I never forgave myself. And so when I started college, I remember walking around, looking at the different clubs, and the baseball team had tryouts. Walk-ons. I’d never heard of such a thing. I went, and that’s where I met Finn on the first day.”
“But you were amazing, dude.” Finn looked at him. “You seemed like you’d been playing baseball your entire life.”
Brody shrugged. “Funny, isn’t it?”
“I don’t know what to say.”
He took a deep breath. “These demons have been in me for a long time. And this guilt and pain… it’s been the driving force behind my life. I figured if Patrick couldn’t be the star baseball player, then I would be. If Patrick couldn’t get all the women, then I would get all the women. I’d do it all for him. I’d make him happy. But it hasn’t made me happy, and I try to shut it all out. I don’t like to think about it because it just hurts me so badly. And every time I think about him, every time I see his face, then I don’t see the fun, happy guy that I spent so many years with. I see my dead brother lying on the ground. I see the life gone out of him all because of me, and I hear my older brother’s screams, and I just want to go back to that day. I just want to change what happened.”
He was shouting now. “I don’t know what I could have done differently. I don’t know…” I grabbed him then and pulled him toward me, and he started sobbing. I felt my shoulder getting wet as he cried, and I rubbed his back. Marcia jumped up and walked over to us and rubbed his back as well.
Finn stood to the side of us, looking sad. “I’m sorry, Brody. I had no idea.”
“I know.” He lifted his head and smiled at me and then took a step back. “All these years, I’ve been carrying this. I know it’s not healthy, and I know the lifestyle I’ve been living isn’t good, and I guess it’s all come to a head. I guess just too many things in the past couple of weeks have brought it to my mind, and yesterday…” He stared at me. “Yesterday, I bought you some roses, and I was so happy to go to breakfast with you because I wanted to tell you how much I liked you, and I wanted to tell you that our time camping had been the best time of my life.
“But then these two boys ran up to me, and they wanted my autograph. And at first it was cool, but their names were Michael and Patrick, like my brothers. As I stared at the young boys’ faces—as I stared at Patrick’s face—I remembered my younger brother and how innocent he had been as well. It all came crashing down, and I knew I didn’t deserve to find happiness. I didn’t deserve to be with a woman like you, because Patrick, he would never get to be with someone that he’s falling in love with.” He paused. “Fuck it. I didn’t mean to say that.”
“You didn’t mean to say it because it’s not true?”
“No, I didn’t mean to say it, because I don’t deserve you, Susie.”
“But is it true? Are you falling in love with me?”
“From the first time I saw your beautiful smile, and then when you told me that I was an asshole and a jerk, and then the way you kissed me… I knew. I’d never felt something like that before. I’d never met a woman that delighted me, that made me laugh, that made me angry, that made me talk so much. I’m not a talker, and here I am.”
He shook his head. “But I don’t deserve you, Susie, and you don’t deserve to be with someone like me, who has so many demons. I was drunk all day yesterday. I went from the park to the bar, and I must have drunk fifteen beers and had shots.
“I’m fucked up. To the world, I’m Brody Wainwright, pitcher for the New York Yankees. Handsome, rich, with women falling out of his pockets. To the world, I have everything, and yet I have nothing. I’m cold inside. I feel dead inside. Don’t you understand? And then I met you, and I started to feel again. I started to want to be more than the guy that just made jokes to save face. That just made jokes to stop anyone from getting too close. You got close, Susie. You got close, and I couldn’t take it, and I’m sorry. And I just want you to understand how much you mean to me. I want you to understand that you are the most special, most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, and you deserve the world.”
“Maybe you are the world to me, Brody.” I took a step forward and squeezed his hand. “Maybe I’m kind of falling for you as well.”
“But,” he said, “you—”
“I think I get to make up my mind on if I deserve you or not.” I smiled and wiped the tears away from his face and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. “You don’t have to carry this guilt, Brody. You were young and it wasn’t your fault. It’s not your fault your brother fell. It’s not your fault your brother passed. I know you don’t feel that way, and I know you will always regret what happened, but you have to figure out a way to work through this, and I can be there with you. I can be there for you if you want me to,” I said softly. “I’m sorry that you’ve been triggered all these times, but there are ways to deal with that. I promise.”
“Would you really be willing to give me a chance?” His eyes lit up as he stared at me. “I have a lot of growing to do and I have to figure out…well, you know, learn to deal with my guilt, but having you by my side…it would mean the world to me.”
“I’m here for you, Brody.” I stared at him for a few seconds. “I can’t believe I’m able to forgive everything so quickly, but sometimes…”
“When you know you know.” He kissed me softly on the lips. “I don’t deserve you, Susie, but I’m willing to spend the rest of my life showing you how hard I will work to deserve your heart. I want to make you the happiest woman on earth because you’ve already made me the happiest man and you’ve shown me that I don’t have to hide my feelings or pretend to be someone I’m not just to stop the hurt.”
“We will always be triggered or hurt by people or events.” I said softly. “But it’s how we deal with those interactions that determines our fate. We are the only ones we have to worry about. Protect your heart; but be open to all the love that is out there. Be open to my love.”
“I’ve been waiting my entire life for a love like yours Susie. I just never knew it.’