Life Goes On
Although my heart feels heavy and numb, anxiety retreats to some back room in my soul and I begin to move like a stiff-limbed gazelle across the plain of my days, gaining strength and ease with each step I take. I have no solution for the mystery of Scott’s death. I have no advice for Sophie or David.
I push the Hoover across the floor and reorganize the kitchen cabinets to make room for the entourage of bottles, nipples and formula that will accompany Its Eminence’s arrival. I call Laura to invite her and Mike and Sophie to dinner.
David takes midterms at Stanford but he still spends most of his time in the garage. These days, Roger keeps the garage door open. Yoshi Tanaka drops by several times a week to offer over-the-shoulder consulting to David, who is increasingly secretive about his project. Most of the neighbors stay away, but if the garage door is up when Ivy and Jerry are out for a stroll, they walk down the driveway and chat for a minute with whoever is around. That’s how we learn that the County Sheriff has organized a search party to go up into the hills and look for Lukas.
I have agonized over what involvement goofy Lukas may have had in Scott’s death. I remember a boy on his bicycle, drawn to whatever activity was taking place in the neighborhood. It’s the topic of conversation at our dinner table this evening. How good it is to gather together again. Danny is out with Ursula but the rest of us are paired up like purple martins, chirping away.
“Lukas is a good boy, impressionable, but he has a good heart,” Mike says.
“You think he’ll be found alive, then?” Sophie sips on a glass of water and pecks at her dinner. I was shocked when she came through the door with Laura. She has cut her hair in a short, geometric style that accents her dark gray-blue eyes. She carries herself with the same elegance and grace, but less girlishness.
“Oh, I have a feeling that he will.” Mike reaches across the table and pats the hand Sophie rests on her napkin.
“Yoshi told me that someone who was hiking in the hills spotted what looked like a campsite that has been used recently. That’s what prompted the search.” David sits next to Sophie and for the first time, I see what Roger is talking about. They don’t look at each other but the electricity in the air is enough to raise the hair on my arms.
It is November and we sit near a kitchen where grease cools in the fryer, but it smells like spring rain at our table. Sophie spears a carrot. David’s report does not seem to be news to her.
“It’s cold in those hills,” Andy says. “I don’t see how anyone could stay up there in the winter.”
Valerie laughs at that. “Andy, it’s not that cold.”
The central valley is a warmer climate and Andy bundles up when the rest of us are walking around in light sweaters. He sends a sly smile in Valerie’s direction.
“Honey, you have some natural insulation there that the rest of us don’t have.”
Conversation lulls while we crunch our chicken and then Laura pitches in, telling us that some of the kids in town say they have seen Lukas but that the rumors are conflicting and don’t make sense.
“Like what?” Roger pronounces his chicken bones clean of meat by scrubbing his fingers vigorously with his napkin and dropping it on his plate.
“Someone thought they saw him in the crowd at last Friday night’s football game. Someone else was sure they saw him at the Greyhound bus terminal in San Jose.”
We don’t know what to say to that. Despite Gunther’s bluster, Lukas seemed like a generally happy boy who was growing into a promising young man. I had noticed that he seemed drawn to Scott, but I figured that was just because Scott was around a lot and willing to pay the younger boy attention. Time was one thing Scott seemed to have a lot of.
I change the subject. “David, I notice that Yoshi has taken quite an interest in your project.” David’s face is hard to read. “I didn’t know he knew anything about music.”
All eyes are on David right now.
“Um, he’s not particularly musical.” We wait. David puts his feet flat on the floor and pushes himself up to move his chair a little further out from the table. He sits back down. In this position, he can’t play with his fork like he’s been doing all through dinner. He lays his hands in his lap and bites his lips together before he inhales sharply. Then he looks at Roger. “Mr. Tanaka thinks there are other applications for the work I’m doing, besides helping musicians level their sound properly in a variety of spaces.”
“What kind of applications?”
David turns to face his father. “Well the thing is, Dad, I’m not at liberty to say.”
“Yoshi works for Raytheon, doesn’t he? I’m not surprised he’s shown an interest.” Roger seems to be the only one at the table who understands this conversation, but before David has a chance to reply, we hear the doorbell. David bolts for the door and returns with our old friend Detective Ramos.
R
Lukas has been found! The ten days since he went missing must have seemed like an eternity to Kay and Gunther. We pepper Manny with questions.
“Is he okay?”
“He appears to be okay.”
“Where did you find him?”
“We are withholding that information.”
“Well, has he said anything about what happened?”
The detective greets each new question with a shake of his head. All we get out of him is that Lukas hasn’t been questioned yet, and that we can expect to be brought in for more questioning within the next few days. I suppose any new information they get from Lukas will likely lead to more questions for us. Detective Ramos stays less than five minutes but that’s all it takes to get the lot of us stirred up again.
While Roger and Andy debate police procedures, Laura goes to the kitchen to cut an apple pie she brought. Mike begins clearing the table, and Valerie and Sophie slip off down the hall, to the nursery I presume. Boofus whines so I open the patio door and follow him out into the cold night. A quarter moon shines weakly in the darkening sky. Shivering, I rub my arms as I pick my way along the path down to the old plum tree.
All the evidence has been removed. Will Valerie and Andy want to continue to live in this house that has been the scene of such sorrow? I clench my hands into fists and stare up at the expressionless quarter moon hiding its profile in the passing shadows of wispy clouds. Through hot tears, I stare up at that cold moon, but it does not look back. It’s not fair! Our beautiful house, our beautiful life, blown away by our impotence in the face of suffering. I sink down onto the cold grass. I just wanted Scott gone, and now he is and we are changed forever.
My chest is heaving with raspy sobs. I know in my heart this was not murder, it was neglect on all our parts, Scott’s included. No matter how many times we warned him away, he would not stop. I have no illusions that we could have done anything to turn him around, but if we’d paid attention...if anyone had paid attention...I don’t know. It was an accident, or he killed himself, I don’t know how or why. I’m clutching clumps of weeds in the damp soil, pulling them out of the ground and piling them near an exposed tree root. Touching the earth keeps me from flying apart.
“Dee, are you out there?” Roger calls from the patio door. “You’d better come back in the house. Your daughter needs you.”