Alessa ached from the inside out. Physically, her head was aching, particularly where the stitches were starting to pull. Emotionally, her stomach and heart were in a tailspin, twisting and turning. Inside, she was a human tornado. She stared out the window while Josh drove, but she saw nothing. Everything was going by too fast, every shape was blurry with no real definition, much like her life. She turned the envelope in her hands, looked down at the perfectly printed letters. She ran her hand over her name as though just the action might make something come back to her. She looked up when Josh stopped the car at a light.
“Why don’t we pull over somewhere and read the letter? We could grab something to eat if you want?” he suggested, looking at her with so much compassion it made her heart push against her rib cage. She was falling in love with him effortlessly, like she’d been waiting for him to fill in the spaces, like he was a part of her. She laughed at the irony. And who are you?
“I’m not really hungry, but I wouldn’t mind some fresh air. Especially since it’s not raining.” She hoped her smile was brave rather than strained. He nodded and resumed driving when the light changed. She didn’t recognize the city of Crampton, not even the Post Office, which she’d obviously been in. I didn’t live here, but I’ve been here. I came here for a reason. From where? She took a deep breath and let it out on a long exhale.
Josh kept telling her not to push things; they would come. The buildings turned to homes as he drove out of the city. Soon the homes spread further apart until most of what surrounded them was trees and fields. The only sounds were the hum of the tires on asphalt and the air from the vents keeping her warm. They pulled into a gravel parking lot, surrounded by trees that still held drops of moisture from all of the rain. He parked the car and turned to her.
“There’s a trail here, goes on for a few miles. You can see the water. Do you want to walk?”
In answer, she pushed open the passenger door and got out. He met her at the back of the car, took her hand, and pressed his lips to it. She knew he meant for it to be comforting, but it sent surprising sparks up her arm, straight to her stomach. He used his hold on her hand to pull her into him, wrap himself around her in a way that made her feel cherished, protected, wanted. She let herself absorb his warmth, the strength of his body, the feel of his arms around her.
“Let’s walk,” she finally said, knowing it would be so easy to stay wrapped in his arms and wish this all away. They walked a while, hand in hand, along the bank of the river. It raged softly, like a small child, pounding fists of water on the rocks. The air was damp and smelled of the trees around them. She couldn’t tell if the air smelled like it had just rained or was going to rain more. The sky continued to shine blue, and she knew she was just procrastinating.
“No matter what that letter says, everything will be okay,” Josh said quietly.
Having him know her, see through her so easily, was both comforting and terrifying. She nodded, her lips firm, and looked down at the letter. They stood by an outcropping of rocks with grass and roots surrounding them. She carefully ripped the seam of the envelope, aware there was something hard inside, something oblong and solid. She pulled out the standard lined paper, her hand shaking slightly. Peeking into the envelope, she saw it held a small, gold key. Josh glanced at her questioningly, but she could only shrug. She just didn’t know. Unfolding the letter, she read it aloud:
“Dear Alessa,
It feels like years since we’ve spoken in person. I’ll be honest; I miss you. As I get older, I realize how important it is to have people who believe in you, who truly love you. Things are not great with your father and I. I’m thinking of separating from him. For a while now, he has been making me doubt my own feelings, think things about myself that are not true. I know when you commit to a person, you do your best to make it work, but sometimes that person is not who you thought they were. Maybe I should try harder. As Franklin Roosevelt said: When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. I just hope I can. I feel like I’m trapped inside of a box, an island unto myself. Oh listen to me, rambling on so negatively. I haven’t even asked how you are. What you’re doing lately? Remember Kristy, from high school? I ran into her not long ago. She said to tell you she thinks of you often. Time flies by so quickly, doesn’t it? The key is to never lose sight of who you are. The answers we need are inside of us—if only we aren’t afraid to look. I just wanted to reach out, let you know you are loved. Missed. I will talk to you soon.
Love Mom
xoxox.”
Alessa’s heart beat rapidly, and her breath was shallow. It was painful to pull air all the way into her lungs.
“Alessa. Relax, honey.”
Josh nudged her so she was leaning against a large, mostly dry boulder. He put his fingers to her wrist, but when she realized he was checking her pulse, she pulled her hand away.
“Don’t. Please.”
“Then breathe.”
She wasn’t sure why it seemed so hard to do just that. Her mother was dead. She’d known that before she opened the letter. “It’s a very nice letter,” she finally stated, without emotion or purpose.
“It is. Particularly for a dead woman.”
Her gaze shot to Josh’s eyes, and the humor in them loosened the pressure in her chest. She laughed roughly, the air in her lungs releasing like a popped balloon, and he reached his hand out to cup her cheek. She turned into it and closed her eyes for a brief moment.
In that moment, it was like she could hear the chambers of a lock tumbling into place. Opening her eyes, she stood, which brought her body flush against Josh’s. She lost her breath again for a second, but for reasons entirely unrelated to all that was happening. He seemed as unprepared as she did for the electricity sparking between them. His eyes heated, and his hands came to her hips, neither pulling her closer nor pushing her away. Just holding her steady.
“It’s clues,” she said, a smile forming.
“What?”
“The letter,” she waved it in front of him, “it’s telling me something.”
“Okay. Do you know what it’s telling you?”
She stepped back and began to walk. He fell into step beside her. She liked the sound of the river rushing beside her; it was like white noise, blocking everything else out. She knew she was mumbling since Josh had already asked her what a couple times, but she didn’t know how to process it and tell him at the same time.
“Key. Roosevelt. Kristy. Kristy is my friend. I went to Chicago Senior. I hated Math but loved English. Kristy was in my classes. I wore purple to graduation. Then I left home and never looked back. Island. Box. Look inside.”
“Alessa, are you okay?” Josh finally asked as they neared his car, and she continued to babble and toss words from the letter around.
“Yes. No. There’s something here. It’s . . . something but I don’t know what. It’s telling me something. It’s not from my mom, Josh. It’s me, well, not me but Kristy. Who I must have contacted to try to find a way to . . .”
He stopped at the car and turned her toward him, looking at her gently. “What?”
“I don’t know. It’s like a huge pot of water just about to boil over but then someone removes it from the stove and it completely simmers down. But it’s something, Josh. I know it is.” She wished she could make more come when obviously her brain was reluctant to give too much at one time.
He unlocked the door and tucked her inside, shut the door for her before coming around to the driver’s side. “Alessa, look at me. Please.”
She turned and faced him, as much as she could with the seat belt holding her tight. She flexed her fingers in and out, digging her nails into her palm, and then lengthening her fingers again.
“Just keep going. Just close your eyes, lean back against the seat, and I’ll drive. Keep turning the words over in your head. But if it starts to hurt, you ease off.”
Nodding, she followed his instructions and let the gentle vibration of the car relax her as they drove over the gravel to exit the lot. She could hear Josh’s breathing, another soothing sound, and she almost found herself wondering what it would be like to sleep beside him, to know he was there with her. Focus. What’s the key for? A lock. What would you lock? She opened her eyes and took it out, stared at it and turned it over in her hand. Too small for an apartment key. Not for a car.
“That’s a safety deposit box key,” Josh said, glancing over.
Everything lined up, just slightly out of grasp. A safety deposit box. The answers inside. People are not who you think they are. Island. I am an island. New York.
“Staten Island,” she mumbled.
“Did you live there?”
“No. But something is there. Something important.”
“A safety deposit box?”
She looked at him as he watched the road. A safety deposit box. On Staten Island. Franklin Roosevelt. Thirty-second President of the USA. United States of America. She sat up straight, squeezed the key until it left imprints on her fingers.
“Bank of America. Staten Island. I have a safety deposit box. Number thirty-two. Something is in it that will tell me what I need to know.”
He slowed to a stop in the middle of the road, blinker on, and waited until a few cars passed before he took a left into a fast food drive thru parking lot. He looked at her incredulously.
“You’re sure.” It wasn’t a question because they both knew she was. It might be all she was sure of, but it was something.
“What are we doing?”
“I want you to eat,” he replied, getting in the line-up.
She narrowed her eyes at him. He needed to stop treating her like a child. “I said I wasn’t hungry.”
“You can glare at me all you want. It won’t change the fact you haven’t eaten since this morning and your body needs food. You’re still healing. Besides, who turns down fries?”
His smile made her stomach dance in the most delicious way. It also made it impossible to stay mad at him. She did like fries. “Aren’t doctors supposed to eat healthy?”
“Moderation. You want anything else besides fries and a drink?”
“A chocolate sundae.”
He gave their order when he pulled up to the speaker, and they listened as it was repeated back to them. She realized he would be paying for the food.
“Josh. Somewhere, I must have some money. Maybe in the safety deposit box. I’m going to pay you back for all of this,” she assured him when he pulled forward, and they waited by the window. His eyes were thoughtful as he studied her.
“Okay.”
“Okay? No argument?”
“I’ve already realized you’re independent, Alessa. I know you don’t want me doing everything for you, which likely includes paying for things. I understand that and accept it.”
“Oh. Well, good.”
“And you should understand there’s no keeping track. I’m here, with you, because I want to be, and I couldn’t care less about the money or getting you some clothes, which we need to get more of, or anything else. The only thing I want is for you to get better.”
Tears stung her eyes, and she wondered if she was as innately good as he was. Was she a good person inside? She gave a small smile and a tiny bubble of fear rose up her throat. “That’s all you want?” she asked in a small voice, heart pounding.
“I want you,” he said simply. “I want you to get better, to get everything sorted out because I want you in my life.”
She couldn’t do more than nod. He took the bag from the young woman at the window and paid her. Alessa held the bag on her lap while Josh drove, and she figured she must have been a good enough person to have stumbled into Josh Parker. Things happened for a reason, at least that’s what she wanted to believe. Maybe the reason for whatever had gone wrong in her life served the purpose of bringing her to Josh. It was a nice thought.
He pulled over on a quiet street only a couple minutes from the fast food place. Undoing his seatbelt, he took the bag off of her lap, grabbed the straw and put it into the large drink she guessed they would share. Her mind flashed to a moment in high school: her and Kristy giggling over a boy because Kristy had shared a slurpee with her crush over the weekend and was filling Alessa in. She couldn’t see Kristy’s face, just her shape, long hair, blurred edges.
“Here.” Josh handed her fries. “Your ice cream might melt a little.”
“It won’t.” She popped the top off of it and dipped one of her fries into the syrupy chocolate and ice cream. She took a bite, sighed in pleasure, and met Josh’s amused gaze.
“That’s gross.” He put a few fries in his mouth.
“It’s not. Try it.” She held one out with just a bit of ice cream on it and laughed when he shook his head emphatically. She held it out to him, and he leaned back against his door, laughing.
“I’ll just take your word for it,” he said as he grabbed more fries. He took a sip of the large soda and passed it to her, held it for her since her hands were full of fries and sundae.
“You’re missing out.”
His eyes grew serious, making her pulse and brain scramble in equal measure. “Not anymore. I’ve been missing out on life for a while now, but you’re bringing me back.”
“Josh.” She pressed her lips together tightly, wanting to say more but afraid to say too much.
They ate the rest of their snack in silence, the energy pulsing between them creating a white noise of its own. When the car started to chill and the fries were empty, Josh grabbed the garbage and put it all back into the bag. As he drove again, Alessa yawned and laid her head back against the seat. She heard the rain tap on the windshield, and she let the movement of the car and Josh’s warm hand covering hers lull her. She felt safe and hoped she could carry that feeling with her if anything changed.
* * * *
At his insistence, they stopped and picked up a few items at the store. Though she didn’t want to let him spend his money on her, she couldn’t deny the pleasure of having underwear of her own, a brush, a set of pajamas, some moisturizer, and a vanilla scented body soap she’d been immediately drawn to. Josh smiled at her as she made choices, and she couldn’t ignore the little thrill of joy she got from doing such an everyday, yet intimate, task with him.
“I think we should save the safety deposit box for another day.” He loaded bags into the back of his car.
I wonder if I have a car. She did have a license. “But—”
“Alessa. We’ve done so much today. Pushing too hard could actually set you back. Besides,” he checked his watch, “it’s almost four. The bank is likely closed soon.”
Knowing he was right didn’t lessen the frustration. She closed his trunk and headed to the passenger side, getting in and pulling the door closed with a bang. When he got in, he had a wide smile, and his stormy gray eyes were twinkling.
“Something funny?”
“You. You’ve got a bit of a temper. It’s cute.”
“My temper is cute?”
“Oh, don’t be like that.” He reached for her hand. “I like that you don’t hide what you’re feeling. It’s all in your eyes and the little pout you get.”
“I do not pout,” she insisted, clipping her seatbelt and folding her arms across her chest. She realized her stance, saw him bite back a laugh, and undid her arms.
“Your right eyebrow arches when you’re checking my pulse,” she said.
“What?” He eased into traffic.
She smiled. “And you mumble when you’re reading.”
“You bite your lip when you’re watching TV,” he countered.
She laughed and just like that, her frustration ebbed. They listened to soft songs from the radio that felt familiar, but she didn’t know the words to. It made her laugh again when Josh sang along to a few. She watched the streets, recognizing the way back to Josh’s small but sweet home. She knew he’d take a turn on the next tree-lined drive. That he would pass five houses before pulling into the driveway of his off-white ranch style home. She had a flash of the house she’d grown up in, similar to this one, in Chicago. The neighborhood wasn’t high end, but it was safe and friendly.
“We have company,” Josh stated without emotion as he pulled into his driveway.
She sat up straighter, saw Amanda and her husband exiting a small, black SUV.
“Your sister is beautiful.” Alessa noted the way Amanda’s hair fell softly around her face, making her seem younger. Her husband was equally attractive, his dark hair styled in a way that made it look naturally ruffled.
“She is. She’s also nosey and pushy.” A smile played on his lips as he said it. He reached into the back seat to grab a couple of bags.
“Her husband is Ethan, right? He’s very handsome.”
Twisted in his seat as he pulled the bags, he gave her a dark, teasing look. “Is that so?” He placed the bags on her lap.
She grinned, finding it impossible this man could even feel mock jealousy. “He has many attractive attributes,” she teased. “But not nearly as many as you.”
He smiled wider and looked, for a moment, like he might lean in and kiss her. The thought made her stomach tilt. Ethan and Amanda approached the car, and Josh and Alessa got out. Josh grabbed the bags from the back while Amanda immediately embraced her in a friendly hug.
“How are you? This is my husband, Ethan,” she greeted.
“I’m good. It’s nice to meet you.” Alessa stepped back from the hug to shake Ethan’s large, warm hand. His eyes were a deep, dark brown, and Alessa felt like he could see right through her but in a comforting, rather than intimidating, way. His smile was so genuine, and she caught herself wondering how she’d know the difference. Josh came to her side and nodded at both Amanda and Ethan.
“How are you guys?” Josh shifted all of the bags into one hand.
“Good. We thought we’d surprise you,” Amanda said, a poor attempt at an innocent smile giving her away.
“Or check up on me. Come on.” Josh led the way to his front door.
Once inside, Alessa stowed her bags in the room she was staying in and came back to the living room to see the easy, friendly tone had changed. The room was charged with Josh’s obvious frustration. With his hands on his hips, his back to her, she saw Amanda was sending quick glances Alessa’s way then back toward Josh. Please don’t let me be the cause of family discord. She stayed in the doorway until Ethan, noticing her standing at the edge of the room, gestured to her.
“Perhaps we should just ask her,” Ethan suggested, his voice soft and commanding all at once.
Josh turned to see her, and Alessa noted both his face and stance softened when he saw her. They want me to go. He wants me to go.
“Come in, Alessa. It appears my sister has ulterior motives where you’re concerned,” Josh said. While the lines of his face had smoothed out and Ethan simply smiled, Alessa couldn’t help but feel like rocks landed in her stomach.
She looked at Amanda unable to read through the woman’s smile and nervous eyes. She wants me to go. Which is understandable. Who would want you to take advantage of someone they love? But, I love him. Her breath caught, made it painful to stand at his side. I love Josh. And now he’s going to make me go.