“Sarah?”
Turning from the painting in frustration, Theo found her standing very still, something held open in front of her like a prayer book. The notebook he had hidden from her.
Oh, hell. “Sarah. Put it down.”
Instead she raised her eyes to watch him. “This is the journal you said was missing.” Her voice was low, calm for the moment, but unlikely to remain that way.
“It’s not important.”
“When did you read this?”
He moved, ready to take it from her, as if that could do anything.
She gripped the notebook so tightly, the pages would rip if he tried. “When did you read this?” she repeated, her voice even lower.
“Sarah. It’s not import…”
“When?”
He relented. “Last week or so.”
“And you didn’t tell me.”
“What should I have told you?”
“It was about me! You let me go on, thinking…”
“Thinking what?”
“Thinking no one knew!” she burst out. Embarrassment warred with anger, and anger won.
“No one does. I didn’t share the information.”
“But you know.”
“So?” Theo tried to appear calm, hoping she would match his tone. He should have burned the notebook immediately.
She glared down at the pages. “I can’t believe he wrote that about me. On paper.”
“Well, he did.” Theo said shortly. “Whatever you think you knew about him, you can put it aside. He wasn’t a hero. He was a liar, and a thief, and he betrayed you as much as anyone else.”
She closed the book and handed it to Theo without looking at him. “I’m going upstairs. I have to lie down.”
“Sarah…”
“Please leave me alone.” Not looking at him, she fled up the steps.
He did leave her alone, for at least an hour. He pulled more paintings down, and tried to find some clue of what they came to the lodge to get. But she didn’t come down, and he couldn’t think about anything other than her. He kept looking up the stairs when he should have been looking at the art.
Giving up on the idea of solving the problem on his own, Theo went upstairs and knocked on the one closed door. “Sarah?”
After a moment, her voice came back, muffled and dull. “Go away.”
“Come down where it’s warm.” The upper floor was distinctly chilly, and Sarah certainly hadn’t lit a fire in her room.
“Sarah,” he said again. He tried the handle and found the door opened easily. Feeling like he was intruding—mostly because he was—Theo stepped into the room, which was pitch dark despite the day outside. The open door illuminated a narrow sliver of the room, including the bed.
She lay on her side in the middle of the bed. She was on top of the bedcovers, though she had pulled another blanket over her against the cold.
“Can I get you anything?” he asked.
“No.”
Theo turned to the fireplace. He’d light that, and at least she wouldn’t freeze.
Within a moment or two, the flames gave the illusion of warmth, though it would take a while to dispel the chill. Theo saw Sarah’s face now, staring at the flames…or at him.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“For what?” Of all the things she might have said, he hadn’t been expecting an apology.
“Being so childish when you’re doing important work.”
“It can wait,” he said, moving closer to her. He sat on the edge of the bed, but he was afraid to reach out and touch her at all. “And I should be the one to apologize. It was thoughtless of me to keep the book around you. Of course you’d be able to read the code.”
“But you did know what was in it.”
“I read the entries with the key, yes,” Theo admitted. “I had to. He mixed everything up…the personal with the professional, that is.”
“That’s true,” she said, with a laugh he didn’t like at all. She shifted onto her back so she could look at him. “I was such a little fool. You knew the night I had to meet Rossi, didn’t you? In the theater box. You already knew about me. But you didn’t make me…”
“Sarah, for Christ’s sake. What do you think I am?”
“What did you think I was? He wrote that down as if it were no more or less important than ordering a new suit. Bedded Sarah, took her virginity, just to keep her in line.”
“Don’t think about it.”
She only shook her head. “I thought he loved me. But he was just distracting me. Making me think of other things when I should have been thinking about what he was up to.”
“He was good at persuading people to think what he wanted them to. That’s why he was such an excellent agent. It wasn’t your fault. He tricked you. He used you.”
“I let him.”
“You didn’t know.”
“How do you know what I knew? Or wanted? Maybe I begged him for it.”
“Did you?”
She looked away. “No.”
“Did he force you?” he asked quietly. Was it possible to kill someone twice? he wondered. If Charlie hurt Sarah like that, he deserved to die twice.
But Sarah was shaking her head. “No,” she said quickly. “Nothing like that. He…persuaded me. Everything I knew came from books no one knew I was reading, and they didn’t reveal much either. And he said I should know, and I was so pretty, and he loved me.”
“You aren’t pretty at all. You’re beautiful.”
“Is that meant to console me? I can’t marry any man now. I should have known something was wrong. I’m not an alluring woman. I know it. Yes, I have nice features. Mama always thanked Heaven for that. But I don’t know how to flirt, or…” She sighed. “Wouldn’t it make sense that he only saw me as a tool? A thing to use for his design, and then…done. I’m unnecessary, and can be tucked safely away to be the invisible wife. Meanwhile he goes off onto other, more interesting conquests.”
“Even if he was an ass—which he was—it doesn’t mean there’s a thing wrong with you.”
“I’m all wrong. I’m compromised, ruined, and completely at odds with society.”
“Ruined how? No one knows. You’re safe.”
“But I’m not…”
“That’s your fear? That you’re no longer a virgin? If you fell in love and lost yourself with the one you expected to marry, that’s understandable. And not unheard of, by the way. You know how many brides are already carrying their first child when they speak their vows?”
“But I’m not a bride, am I? I never will be. And anyway, I knew it was wrong. Ladies don’t behave that way. But he said he couldn’t resist…” She closed her eyes. “Forgive me. Of course you don’t want to hear this.”
He didn’t. Except that part of him did want to know exactly what Charlie had done to her, so Theo could do it better and destroy her previous memories.
Sarah opened her eyes again, and there was a different light in them. Something more determined. “Are you jealous?” she asked, with uncanny insight.
“Yes.” Yes, he was, and he always would be. He did not want to be in competition with a dead man.
But he wanted Sarah. Leaning down, he kissed her. Sarah sighed just a little—and it worked better than any flirtation. He wanted her. Some dark part of him wanted to have her and keep her so only he’d ever get to see her. That was what obsession was, wasn’t it?
Sarah melted under his mouth. He loved how sweetly responsive she was, how curious she was. Because she wanted him too.
That latent realization burst on him all at once. “Sarah, this isn’t why I asked you to come with me.”
“I know that,” she whispered back. “But since we are here, I have a request.” Her tone betrayed how shy she was feeling.
“What?”
“Could you make me forget him?”
She had a gift for telling him what he wanted to hear. “I will try, sweetheart.”