| LIST 78 | 12 Amazon Reviews of Senator Bill Frist's Family History |
When Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (Republican - Tennessee) offered his self-published genealogy on Amazon, he might not have realized what he was doing. Sporting a price tag of $50 and the pro-eugenics title Good People Beget Good People, the vanity project inspired dozens of hilarious customer “reviews” slamming Frist on everything from his family's corrupt healthcare company (HCA) to his admission that he used to vivisect and kill cats he “adopted” at shelters. As I suspected they would, Amazon soon deleted the thrashings, so for the sake of preservation—and to add some levity to this book—here are some of the best. (All errors of grammar, punctuation, etc. remain uncorrected.)
1
[one-star rating] Frist in cat skins, February 2, 2004
Reviewer: Terry Duke Laslough from Trinity South carolina
Not since the glory days of slavery have we seen such a heroic figure as Cat Killer Frist.
This epic tale of a family that climbed from the pits of incest, congenital mental impairment, and sexual debauchery to be crowned first bootlick to the Monkey faced boy king is truly staggering.
From the opening where little Pansy, the slavering one eyed love child of siamese twin cousins, creates a family legacy by maiming her first feline to the closing chapter where the First bootlick himself parades through congress in his homemade dress of cat skins, we are taken on a non stop thrill ride.
Truly this is a tale of america as seen through the jaundiced eye of a slobbering third cousin who mated with his own mother to beget what we have today, Cat Killer First Bootlick Frist.
2
[one-star rating] A triumph of antidisnonmiscegenation, February 12, 2004 Reviewer: A reader from Jacksonville, FL USA
The genius of the Frist line is that, like the Jefferson and Thurmond lines, they kept the caucasian line entirely separated from the Negro/mulatto/quadrron/octaroon/hexade-caroon/high yellow/could-almost-pass-for-white-but-I-know-better line of the family.
This book of course represents the caucasian line which lived in houses like the one pictured on the cover. The miscegented line lived and died in shanties, hovels, leantos, slave quarters, ghettoes and other dwellings befitting the creatures produced when good people get a little reckless and beget with dark people. A second volume of the book is planned, to explore this side of the family history, to be entitled, “Good People Sometimes Make Youthful Errors with the Colored Help and Either Arrange for an Abortion, or Ship the Help Off to Another State Where They Beget Half-Good People Who Shall Never Know They Carry Frist Genes, So Help Us God.”
3
[one-star rating] *ssholes beget *ssholes, too, February 4, 2004
Reviewer: solt from Way out west
Bill Frist disemboweled five of my littermates for the greater good of his offshore bank account, so I'd say this book is purr-fect.
4
[five-star rating] I begot what I was going to say…, February 3, 2004
Reviewer: A reader from Philadelphia, PA USA
Oh yeah…
5
If good people beget good people, do bad people beget bad people?
How can we tell bad people from good people?
These are some of the topics covered in this brilliant book by U.S. Senate Majority Leader, Bill Frist, M.D..
The answer, Dr. Frist informs us, is that good people make lots and lots of money, while bad people work just as hard but make very little. We must stop these bad people from begetting before they beget more bad people.
That's where forced sterilization comes in. Pioneering experimentation done on adopted kittens led Dr. Frist to his conclusion that the cheapest, most cost-effective means of forced sterilization is execution. Frist executed dozens of cats, both good and bad, and these cats did not beget any more.
Now if we just execute bad people (we can identify them by their low incomes) they will not beget either!
Dr. Frist opens a door to a bright new American future!
5
[one-star rating] Such an ambitious family!!, February 2, 2004
Reviewer: A reader from San Pedro, CA USA
I most enjoyed the tale of the plucky Frist family business stealing billions from me and my fellow tax payers, billions intended to provide health care for the poor, elderly and children. 14 felony convictions. That's gotta be some kind of record!
Oh. That's not mentioned in the book? Huh. Odd.
Well, Google around for “HCA Columbia frist fraud” and you can learn about it.
Excerpts
6
“I rate this book five tortured and slaughtered kitties out of a possible five. It's sure to win the Mengele Eugenics Award at The New Republic's Gala Celebration of the 25th Anniversary of the Publication of ‘The Bell Curve’!” “Perhaps the Senator could take a look at my geneology and let me know whether I, too, spawn from ‘good people.’ If not, I guess I might as well just give up. This book makes me long for the literary company of a family with a bit more humility, like the Bushes.”
7
“Frist explains the intricacies of human reproduction in a way sure to confound, bedevil, and infuriate his natural constituency of Tennessee creationists.”
8
“Why strive to be good if your parents aren't WASPS?”
9
“it's like tennessee williams huffin’ spray varnish!”
10
“Perhaps the Senator could take a look at my geneology and let me know whether I, too, spawn from ‘good people.’ If not, I guess I might as well just give up. This book makes me long for the literary company of a family with a bit more humility, like the Bushes.”
11
“This book was so good, I changed my name to Frist so I could say it was about me. I read the whole thing while waiting [in] the reception area for subpar medical service.”
12
“Move away from the kitten, Dr. Frist!” 
Federal Investigative Priorities #2
Amount of time given to the federal commission investigating 9/11:18 months
Amount of time given to the federal commission studying legalized gambling: 24 months
Amount of money given to the federal commission investigating 9/11: $3 million
Amount of money given to the federal commission studying legalized gambling: $5 million?