Twelfth Night, or, What You Will

FOOL Will you make me believe that I am not sent for	1
you?	2
SEBASTIAN Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow. Let	3
me be clear of thee.	4
FOOL Well held out, i’ faith. No, I do not know you, nor	5
I am not sent to you by my lady to bid you come	6
speak with her, nor your name is not Master	7
Cesario, nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing	8
that is so is so.	9
SEBASTIAN I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else.	10
Thou know’st not me.	11
FOOL Vent my folly? He has heard that word of some	12
great man and now applies it to a Fool. Vent my	13
folly? I am afraid this great lubber the world will	14
prove a cockney. I prithee now, ungird thy strange-	15
ness and tell me what I shall vent to my lady. Shall I	16
vent to her that thou art coming?	17
SEBASTIAN I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me.	18
There’s money for thee. <Giving money.> If you	19
tarry longer, I shall give worse payment.	20
FOOL By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise	21
men that give Fools money get themselves a good	22
report—after fourteen years’ purchase.	23

Enter Andrew, Toby, and Fabian.

ANDREW, <to Sebastian> Now, sir, have I met you again?	24
There’s for you.	25

SEBASTIAN, <returning the blow> Why, there’s for thee,	26
and there, and there.—Are all the people mad?	27
TOBY Hold, sir, or I’ll throw your dagger o’er the	28
house.	29
FOOL, <aside> This will I tell my lady straight. I would	30
not be in some of your coats for twopence.	31

TOBY, <seizing Sebastian> Come on, sir, hold!	32
ANDREW Nay, let him alone. I’ll go another way to	33
work with him. I’ll have an action of battery against	34
him, if there be any law in Illyria. Though I struck	35
him first, yet it’s no matter for that.	36
SEBASTIAN, <to Toby> Let go thy hand!	37
TOBY Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young	38
soldier, put up your iron. You are well fleshed.	39
Come on.	40
SEBASTIAN
I will be free from thee.	41

What wouldst thou now?	42
If thou dar’st tempt me further, draw thy sword.	43
TOBY What, what? Nay, then, I must have an ounce or	44
two of this malapert blood from you.	45

Enter Olivia.

OLIVIA
Hold, Toby! On thy life I charge thee, hold!	46
TOBY Madam.	47
OLIVIA
Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,	48
Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,	49
Where manners ne’er were preached! Out of my	50
sight!—	51
Be not offended, dear Cesario.—	52
Rudesby, begone!	53

<Toby, Andrew, and Fabian exit.>

I prithee, gentle friend,	54
Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway	55
In this uncivil and unjust extent	56
Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,	57
And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks	58
This ruffian hath botched up, that thou thereby	59
Mayst smile at this. Thou shalt not choose but go.	60
Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me!	61
He started one poor heart of mine, in thee.	62
SEBASTIAN, <aside>
What relish is in this? How runs the stream?	63
Or I am mad, or else this is a dream.	64
Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;	65
If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!	66
OLIVIA
Nay, come, I prithee. Would thou’dst be ruled by	67
me!	68
SEBASTIAN
Madam, I will.	69
OLIVIA O, say so, and so be!	70

They exit.

Scene 2

Enter Maria and <Feste, the Fool.>

MARIA Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;	1
make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate. Do	2
it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst.	3

FOOL Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in	4
’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled	5
in such a gown. <He puts on gown and beard.> I am	6
not tall enough to become the function well, nor	7
lean enough to be thought a good student, but to be	8
said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as	9
fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar.	10
The competitors enter.	11

Enter Toby <and Maria.>

TOBY Jove bless thee, Master Parson.	12
FOOL Bonos dies, Sir Toby; for, as the old hermit of	13
Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said	14
to a niece of King Gorboduc “That that is, is,” so I,	15
being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is	16
“that” but “that” and “is” but “is”?	17
TOBY To him, Sir Topas.	18
FOOL, <disguising his voice> What ho, I say! Peace in this	19
prison!	20
TOBY The knave counterfeits well. A good knave.	21

Malvolio within.

MALVOLIO Who calls there?	22
FOOL Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Mal-	23
volio the lunatic.	24
MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to	25
my lady—	26
FOOL Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest thou this	27
man! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?	28
TOBY, <aside> Well said, Master Parson.	29
MALVOLIO Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged.	30
Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have	31
laid me here in hideous darkness—	32
FOOL Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most	33
modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones	34
that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Sayst	35
thou that house is dark?	36
MALVOLIO As hell, Sir Topas.	37
FOOL Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barri-	38
cadoes, and the <clerestories> toward the south-	39
north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest	40
thou of obstruction?	41
MALVOLIO I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you this	42
house is dark.	43
FOOL Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness	44
but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than	45
the Egyptians in their fog.	46
MALVOLIO I say this house is as dark as ignorance,	47
though ignorance were as dark as hell. And I say	48
there was never man thus abused. I am no more	49
mad than you are. Make the trial of it in any	50
constant question.	51
FOOL What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning	52
wildfowl?	53
MALVOLIO That the soul of our grandam might haply	54
inhabit a bird.	55
FOOL What thinkst thou of his opinion?	56
MALVOLIO I think nobly of the soul, and no way	57
approve his opinion.	58
FOOL Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness.	59
Thou shalt hold th’ opinion of Pythagoras ere I will	60
allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest	61
thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee	62
well.	63
MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas!	64
TOBY My most exquisite Sir Topas!	65
FOOL Nay, I am for all waters.	66
MARIA Thou mightst have done this without thy beard	67
and gown. He sees thee not.	68
TOBY To him in thine own voice, and bring me word	69
how thou find’st him. I would we were well rid	70
of this knavery. If he may be conveniently deliv-	71
ered, I would he were, for I am now so far in	72
offense with my niece that I cannot pursue with	73
any safety this sport the upshot. Come by and by	74
to my chamber.	75

<Toby and Maria> exit.

FOOL <sings, in his own voice>
Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,	76
Tell me how thy lady does.	77
MALVOLIO Fool!	78
FOOL <sings>
My lady is unkind, perdy.	79
MALVOLIO Fool!	80
FOOL <sings>
Alas, why is she so?	81
MALVOLIO Fool, I say!	82
FOOL <sings>
She loves another—	83
Who calls, ha?	84
MALVOLIO Good Fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at	85
my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and	86
paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful	87
to thee for ’t.	88
FOOL Master Malvolio?	89
MALVOLIO Ay, good Fool.	90
FOOL Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?	91
MALVOLIO Fool, there was never man so notoriously	92
abused. I am as well in my wits, Fool, as thou art.	93
FOOL But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be	94
no better in your wits than a Fool.	95
MALVOLIO They have here propertied me, keep me in	96
darkness, send ministers to me—asses!—and do	97
all they can to face me out of my wits.	98
FOOL Advise you what you say. The minister is here.	99
<In the voice of Sir Topas.> Malvolio, Malvolio, thy	100
wits the heavens restore. Endeavor thyself to sleep	101
and leave thy vain bibble-babble.	102
MALVOLIO Sir Topas!	103
FOOL, <as Sir Topas> Maintain no words with him, good	104
fellow. <As Fool.> Who, I, sir? Not I, sir! God buy	105
you, good Sir Topas. <As Sir Topas.> Marry, amen.	106
<As Fool.> I will, sir, I will.	107
MALVOLIO Fool! Fool! Fool, I say!	108
FOOL Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am	109
shent for speaking to you.	110
MALVOLIO Good Fool, help me to some light and some	111
paper. I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any	112
man in Illyria.	113
FOOL Welladay that you were, sir!	114
MALVOLIO By this hand, I am. Good Fool, some ink,	115
paper, and light; and convey what I will set down to	116
my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the	117
bearing of letter did.	118
FOOL I will help you to ’t. But tell me true, are you not	119
mad indeed, or do you but counterfeit?	120
MALVOLIO Believe me, I am not. I tell thee true.	121
FOOL Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his	122
brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.	123
MALVOLIO Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree. I	124
prithee, begone.	125
FOOL <sings>
I am gone, sir, and anon, sir,	126
I’ll be with you again,	127
In a trice, like to the old Vice,	128
Your need to sustain.	129
Who with dagger of lath, in his rage and his wrath,	130
Cries “aha!” to the devil;	131
Like a mad lad, “Pare thy nails, dad!	132
Adieu, goodman devil.”	133

He exits.

Scene 3

Enter Sebastian.

<SEBASTIAN>
This is the air; that is the glorious sun.	1
This pearl she gave me, I do feel ’t and see ’t.	2
And though ’tis wonder that enwraps me thus,	3
Yet ’tis not madness. Where’s Antonio, then?	4
I could not find him at the Elephant.	5
Yet there he was; and there I found this credit,	6
That he did range the town to seek me out.	7
His counsel now might do me golden service.	8
For though my soul disputes well with my sense	9
That this may be some error, but no madness,	10
Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune	11
So far exceed all instance, all discourse,	12
That I am ready to distrust mine eyes	13
And wrangle with my reason that persuades me	14
To any other trust but that I am mad—	15
Or else the lady’s mad. Yet if ’twere so,	16
She could not sway her house, command her	17
followers,	18
Take and give back affairs and their dispatch	19
With such a smooth, discreet, and stable bearing	20
As I perceive she does. There’s something in ’t	21
That is deceivable. But here the lady comes.	22

Enter Olivia and <a> Priest.

OLIVIA, <to Sebastian>
Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,	23
Now go with me and with this holy man	24
Into the chantry by. There, before him	25
And underneath that consecrated roof,	26
Plight me the full assurance of your faith,	27
That my most jealous and too doubtful soul	28
May live at peace. He shall conceal it	29
Whiles you are willing it shall come to note,	30
What time we will our celebration keep	31
According to my birth. What do you say?	32
SEBASTIAN
I’ll follow this good man and go with you	33
And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.	34
OLIVIA
Then lead the way, good father, and heavens so	35
shine	36
That they may fairly note this act of mine.	37

They exit.

ACT 4