22

I saw my mom at the front door before she knocked, and I beat her to it. “Mom!” I threw my arms around her as if I hadn’t seen her in forever. She seemed to know just how badly I needed her at that very moment. I’d tried to come to terms with the fact that the powers that be would likely never let Brenna come home to me. It was probably best, but it broke my heart. What would become of Brenna?

She gave me a good, long, loving hug. “How are you tonight?” she asked.

Toppy came in the door behind her carrying a casserole dish and a grocery bag.

I didn’t answer that question. I hated how all this upheaval had rearranged the lives of all our loved ones. I’m not doing that great.

“Yum, that smells fantastic.” Scott came in from the kitchen.

“Lasagna,” said Toppy. “Complete with garlic bread, salad, and chocolate pie.” He kept right on walking past us toward the kitchen.

Scott followed him.

“Let the boys get our dinner ready, Bailey. Where are the twins?” She took my hand and led me to the couch.

I snuggled up to her. “Snoozing their third nap today. Which probably means they won’t sleep tonight. I’ll get them up in a bit and we’ll see if we can’t keep them awake for a few hours.” I laid my head on her shoulder.

“Let’s try and get through dinner first. I want to talk to you about something.” She patted my leg.

Did they already know the answer from Social Services? Had Scott called in reinforcements to soften the blow? I couldn’t stop the tears.

“Bailey, don’t think the worst. We have a plan, that’s all.” Mom put her arm around me.

“A plan? What do you mean?” I sat straight up and grabbed her by both shoulders.

Her eyes widened at my response. “Maybe we should eat first. I know you had a rough night and a long day.”

“I don’t think I could eat. What’s up, Mom?” Every muscle in my arms tingled, and I felt slightly light headed. I hadn’t really eaten all day, just grabbed food here and there.

“Well, Toppy and I thought it might help if we took Brenna. That way she could be near family, and see you whenever she wants. That would make things a little less stressful for you while you’ve got newborns.” She smiled warmly, but her eyes looked a little strained, as though she thought I’d balk at the idea.

I blinked in disbelief and then leaned back against the couch. “I can’t wrap my brain around this, Mom. You’d take in Kevin Brown’s daughter? Toppy is OK with this?” I shook my head and tried to clear the fog from my brain.

“You are also Kevin Brown’s daughter. She’s your sister, and that’s reason enough to welcome her. Bailey, even if they ultimately allow her to come home to you, I’m just not sure it’s good for you right now. Surely you can see that?” She put her arm around me again.

I could see it all right. I couldn’t be trusted with Brenna in my state of mind, and likely they thought I couldn’t even take care of my own babies. None of it was my fault. It’s not freakin’ fair. Even though I knew they were trying to help me to the point of great inconvenience on their part, the injustice of everything exploded all over me. An angry heat flash rushed up my face. I stood and stomped my foot like a child. I didn’t care. “It’s not my fault, Mom. None of it is my fault!”

Shock and tears sprang to my mother’s face, but I raged on.

“I didn’t ask for any of this. You all look at me like, ‘Poor, dear, she’s such a mess.” Well, who wouldn’t be? I didn’t kidnap myself. I didn’t shoot myself and leave a sick child for someone else to take care of. It’s not my fault!”

“Bailey,” Mom started.

I put my hand up. “Don’t start. I can’t take this.” I spun to go to our room, but I didn’t want to wake the babies. No, I didn’t want to even see them. They’d gotten a raw deal for a mother.

Scott and Toppy came down the hall from the kitchen.

Scott came toward me, his worried face and tired eyes questioning me.

Dizziness weakened me. I could only see Scott’s face. Suddenly I saw him when we’d first met in the washout facility. I saw the same worry and weariness in those brilliant blue eyes that I’d seen that first day. His fatigue while caring for his father and all their business was now replaced by taking care of me. I’d not brought him the happiness he deserved.

Where are my car keys? I didn’t even know where my purse was. I just stood there, breathing hard and fuming.

Mom rushed toward me, as well as Scott.

I backed toward the front door. Another heat flash burned my face. My foolish behavior embarrassed me, but I stood there like a statue.

“Whoa, everybody, just give her some room,” Toppy said, stepping into the middle of the fray, both hands up. He lowered his voice. “Sit down, please, Gwennie, and you too, Boy. Just everybody calm down.”

They obeyed, Mom crying and Scott’s face pale.

“OK, now, little lady, we all agree with you.” He crossed his arms and took a few steps back, but he stood directly in front of me.

“What do you mean?” I crossed my arms, too.

“It’s not your fault. It’s not. We totally agree with you. Not your fault, and no, you don’t deserve any of this,” Toppy said. He took a baby step toward me.

I dissolved into a trembling, crying mess. Toppy closed the gap between us and bear-hugged me. He led me to the couch and sat me down between my mom and Scott. Mom put her arm around me, and Scott took my hand. His eyes brimmed with tears.

“I’m sorry, Mom, really sorry.” I laid my head on her shoulder. “And Scott, I know this is probably way more than what you bargained for. Nothing but trouble. You don’t deserve this.”

He shook his head and released an exasperated grunt. “What will it take for you to know, really know, that I’ve got your back? Not because I have to, but because I want to.” He heaved a sigh.

“Honey, I’d be more worried if you weren’t having some difficulty with all this,” Mom said.

“But shouldn’t my faith put me in better stead than this? I’m floundering around as though I don’t even have any faith.” I snatched a tissue from the box on the coffee table.

Toppy knelt in front of me, and placed his hand on my cheek. “Where does it say you’ll do and feel all the right things all the time? Why do you think the scriptures say for us to hold one another up? Our Father knows that we need each other. It’s OK, Bailey, to be undone sometimes. Who wouldn’t be in your case?” He reached for my hands and gave them a squeeze, then sat on the recliner.

“You’re over thinking everything, sweetie,” Mom said.

“Exactly. You are lumping it all together in one package at any given moment. You’re trying to carry the load of years of wet diapers, feedings, laundry, and what have you, all in the same minute of every day,” Toppy said.

The truth of that statement settled on me. Way over thinking.

“Add to that the doctor’s appointments, prescriptions, and the possible death of your little sister whom you only just found out about,” he continued. “You might not even get to know her before she’s gone.”

“Uncle Toppy!” Scott scolded. “Please, it’s hard enough, as it is.”

“I know, but your wife doesn’t need to be coddled. She needs to deal with the very real possibility that Brenna might not make it. But all those things, diapers, sick child, the future possibilities don’t happen all at once. It’s one diaper at a time. Do you get me?”

One diaper at a time. I dried my tears. “You’re right, Toppy. I get you.”

“Mmmm, I don’t think you do.” He crossed his arms and squinted one eye at me.

The room went silent. He was as good a preacher as Pastor Jack.

“Frankly, sweetie, you’re acting as bad as Scott did last year when he got sick. His pride and ego wouldn’t let him accept help. Now, you’re in more or less the same position.”

Scott nodded and smirked, no doubt remembering what a pill he was last year.

“You have to let us help you. And you have to be OK with it. We want to do it because we love you, girl.” Toppy smiled. “We’ll get through this.”

Scott raised my hand to his face and kissed it. “We always do,” he said.

I looked at him, smiling at me. I understood the full extent of what he went through last year, and felt even more joined at the heart. I loved him even more. “I’ve been awful, I’m so sorry.” I covered my face.

A musical buzzing of “It’s OK, We love you, I love you, no problem,” came from my family.

Relief and joy bubbled up and laughter spilled out. I doubled over, laughing. I couldn’t stop.

“What’s so funny?” Scott asked.

“One,” I said, and then gasped for air, “diaper at a time!” A different kind of tears rolled down my cheeks.

They all joined in. Nervously at first, as if they thought I was totally losing it, and then with gusto. What a family!

We laughed so hard we barely heard the knock at the door.

“Oh,” I said when I heard it. “Someone’s at the door.”

Toppy stood to answer. He opened the door and stepped back.

Barbara Okeke stood in the doorway. Brenna peeked from behind her.