On Sunday night, Maddy wandered out to the orchard after Brian was ensconced safely in his car, probably doing ninety down the highway on his way back to San Francisco. Her parents had gone into town for groceries and ice cream, but Maddy had begged off, saying she needed to decompress a little. And she did. Her nerves had been rubbed raw by the tension of the weekend. Between Brian, David, and her confusion, she had felt like she was being pulled tight enough to pluck like a guitar string. She needed some time just to think and sort out her mass of tangled emotions.
Maddy took a deep breath, gazing at the hills colored red, gold, and pink. She could feel some of the stress slipping away with the setting sun. The vineyard looked beautiful with the flowers in full bloom and light on the trees. But despite all of it, she knew the weekend hadn’t gone right at all—not like she’d expected. Brian had been so distant. And then there’d been the craziness of her birthday dinner…and David. There was definitely a connection between them, but she had to make sure it didn’t go further. She had to figure out Brian’s deal before she could even think about David.
“Hey,” David’s familiar voice said softly. Maddy spun around; she hadn’t heard him approach. “I was going to get my iPod out of the shed….”
His curly hair was still wet from a shower. His skin glowed from the water and the fading sunlight. Maddy nodded. Without saying anything else, he fell in beside her. They strolled silently around the edges of the orchard, David occasionally reaching out to slap a tree trunk under the deep, spreading branches. The setting sun pierced the leaves, painting their faces as they passed beneath. It could have been sort of awkward, walking like this, but Maddy felt comforted by David’s presence.
“So, are you okay?” David finally asked. Maddy was quiet for a long moment. David shook his head. “Sorry. It’s none of my business.”
“No, it’s okay. I’m just so confused. This weekend didn’t turn out anything like I thought.”
He looked at her. “How come?”
They had almost reached the end of the orchard. In front of them, the grapevines stretched in curving rows. She hesitated. “Brian.” She felt a little weird saying this, but she really just needed to talk to someone. “It just seemed so different with us this time than it usually is.”
“Usually? You mean like down in the city?”
“Yeah. He just seemed awkward out here. We were kind of having trouble finding things to talk about.”
David nodded. “That’s hard.”
“I know,” Maddy went on. “I don’t even know if we’re still meant to be together.” She stole a glance sideways at David. He had stopped walking and was gazing out over the hills, his hands in his pockets. His face was serious.
“That must be rough. But, you know, I don’t think he’s good enough for someone like you.” He turned toward her and put his hands on her shoulders. Maddy inhaled sharply. He was looking into her eyes, his gaze direct and clear. Gently, he slid one hand under her hair at the back of her neck and drew her a little closer. Maddy’s heart was pounding. “I wasn’t impressed by him,” he said softly. His face was so near that his breath tickled her cheek. “He just seems like a rich jerk.” He leaned down. Maddy pulled back abruptly. For an instant, they stared at each other, eyes wide.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I…” He looked totally taken aback.
“Are you coming on to me? Because in case you hadn’t noticed, I have a boyfriend.” At the back of her mind, she knew she was being unfair. They both felt a connection, but she couldn’t stop herself. All of her confused, frustrated feelings poured out of her. “I’m not just up for grabs.”
“But you just said it wasn’t working out,” he reminded her.
“All I said was that I was thinking about things! I didn’t say we were breaking up or anything.”
“Well, you could’ve fooled me.” David took a step backward and narrowed his eyes. “You really want to be with that guy?” His voice was scornful.
“You don’t even know him!” Maddy shot back. “And the last thing I need right now is you jumping all over me! Thanks a lot—I guess that’s what I get for confiding in you.”
“Fine. Then I guess I was wrong about Brian being too good for you. I take it back—it looks like you two are perfect for each other.”
“Maybe we are!” Maddy shouted at him. “He should be perfect for a spoiled suburban brat like me!” She emphasized the last words and watched his face harden.
“That was a long time ago. And I already apologized,” David said through clenched teeth.
“Yeah, well, maybe you should say it again.” She crossed her arms over her chest defiantly.
“Why? I was right all along—any girl who likes that narcissistic asshole can’t be anything but a spoiled brat.”
Maddy stared at him, her hands clenching into fists, nails digging painfully into her palms. She turned and ran back toward the house, her heart pounding in her ears. As she fled, she shot a quick glance over her shoulder. David stood alone among the trees, watching her, with the setting sun at his back.
Maddy was sitting on her bed, runny-nosed and blotchy-faced, thinking dully that she should get up and find a tissue, when someone knocked on the door. “C-come in,” she sniffled, giving up on the tissue and wiping her nose on her arm.
Maddy’s mom opened the door and took one look at her daughter’s swollen eyelids and matted hair. “I saw you running up to the house,” she said, sitting next to Maddy on the bed and putting her arms around her. “You looked pretty upset.” Maddy gave up all semblance of control and started sobbing again, resting her face against her mother’s shoulder.
After a few minutes, her sobs began to taper off. Her mom handed her a tissue. “What is it, sweetie? I know this has been a hard week for you.”
“It has. I don’t know what to do!” Maddy wailed all of a sudden. Her mother looked concerned.
“About what?”
Maddy paused and took a deep breath. She wasn’t sure how to articulate what she was feeling. “It’s just that I feel so confused. I don’t know what I want. It was so weird when Brian was here—he didn’t even seem like the same person I remembered. Like, he wasn’t even listening when I was talking. He was never like that at home.”
Her mom’s eyebrows knitted. “I noticed that things seemed a little awkward between the two of you.”
“So awkward! He’s changed and I don’t know why.”
Maddy’s mother considered this for a moment. “Here’s a thought,” she said. “Did you ever think that maybe it’s not Brian who’s changed, but you?”
She shook her head. “No, I don’t think that’s it—I mean, it’s only been a couple of months.”
“But think about it, Maddy. Brian’s been in the city this whole time, just like before. You’ve been the one in the new environment.”
Maddy was quiet. She hadn’t thought about it like that before. Her mom went on. “You know, honey, I haven’t mentioned this to you before, because you did seem to like Brian a lot and he’s not a bad person, but I have never really thought that he was smart enough or kind enough for you.”
Maddy started to protest but something stopped her. Wasn’t that sort of what David had said? “Oh, Mom,” she said. “You’re just a little biased, don’t you think?”
Her mother stood up from the bed. “Not really. Now, what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know yet,” Maddy said thoughtfully.
“Whatever you do decide,” her mother said, giving Maddy a pat on the arm, “be strong.”
“I will, Mom.”
“I’d expect nothing less from my own daughter.”
Maddie paused. “Mom, I—I’m sorry. For everything, all of it. For what a brat I’ve been all summer. It was incredibly dumb and disrespectful to throw that party. And I didn’t mean what I said about the vineyard being stupid. I was just frustrated.”
“Well, it’s all in the past. I’m just so glad we’ve had this time together up here, as a family, this summer,” her mother said. “I don’t think it’s turned out the way any of us expected.” She reached over and gave Maddy a little squeeze before softly closing the door behind her.
Maddy continued lying on her bed for a while after her mother left, staring out the window at the night sky. She knew what she had to do. Her stomach did a little flip as she thought about calling Brian, but her instincts told her it was the right decision. She looked at the bedside clock. Nine thirty. Be strong, she told herself, and dialed him on her cell.
He answered right away. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Nothing—how’s it going?” she said automatically, hugging a pillow to her chest.
“Okay. Just hanging out by the pool with Chad and the guys.” Great—there were people there.
“Well, um, do you think you could go inside or somewhere private? I have to talk to you about something important.”
“Can’t it wait until later? We’re just starting a hand of poker.”
“No, Brian, it can’t. Please go inside.” She was surprised at how calm her voice was.
He sighed. She could hear the scraping of a chair. “Be right back, guys,” he said away from the phone. There was a long pause. “Okay, I’m in the living room. What’s so important?”
She took a deep breath. “Brian, I don’t know if this is working anymore.” She waited for a second. Silence on the other end. “I just think we might be growing apart.”
More silence. And then, “Are you breaking up with me?” He sounded incredulous.
“No! I mean…maybe. I don’t know.” She could hear him breathing.
“What’s going on with you? You’re acting like a totally different person.”
“I—” The words were on her lips to deny it but she checked herself. “I know.” More silence. She got the impression that wasn’t the response he was expecting. A voice in the background yelled, “Come on, Kilburn!”
“Do you have to go?” Maddy asked, since he still wasn’t saying anything.
“Yeah.”
She waited, but after a minute, she realized that there wasn’t going to be any more. She didn’t know if he was mad or surprised or sad. Apparently, he wasn’t going to tell her. “Okay. Maybe I’ll see you—”
Click.
He hung up. Maddy stared at the phone in shock. Then she put it down on the bed and shrugged to herself. She guessed she had her answer to what he was feeling, and it was neither surprise nor sadness.
She rolled over and switched off the light. The soft darkness surrounded her. She tried to evaluate her feelings. Why wasn’t she more upset? Brian had been her boyfriend for over a year. She felt kind of weird that she wasn’t devastated. Then it dawned on her. She had already gone through all the sadness that comes with breaking up—only for her, it had come before, not after. The phone conversation with Brian had made it official, but in her mind the deed had been done for days. And it felt right. Exhaustion overwhelmed her as she drew the sheet up under her chin. She listened to the porch cricket’s nightly song and let slumber overtake her.