At Ta Phrom they stopped and walked away from the dusty car park into the piles of stones and soon they had come to the great back wall which seemed to be shored up with wildflowers. A group of children had followed them with expertly desperate eyes and they murmured continuously to Sophal in Khmer as they wandered across to a new temple in the short shadows of morning. It was the hour when the grass is alive and butterflies swirled around them. She took his hand as they circled back to the ruins and picked their way into a sanctuary lit by a high skylight and then back to the car park where the driver waited. Between the pale yellow straps of her dress her shoulder blades had become lustrous with moisture and the silver watch on her wrist sparkled against a skin that now looked as dark as cinnamon bark. At Chisor, the vendors were not yet there and the vast steps leading to the top of the little mountain were empty. They began to climb and when they had cleared the treeline they stopped and sat on the steps next to a homemade shrine and felt their heartbeats. The horizon was flat and green, slightly hazed, and at its farthest limit the mauve clouds gathered in a line of tension.
“It’s the end of the rains,” she said, holding out her tongue. “I can taste it.”
The slopes were forest, singing with insects. Higher up, the surrounding plain appeared as a partial circumference with no signs of the present century. The sky’s blue flesh became richer and out of it poured a blinding sunlight. The steps ended in a cluster of temple outbuildings and a path that crested and then fell downward toward the ruins. At the highest point they rested again and Robert looked down at the endless flight of steps and he thought he saw a man standing there in the shade of a few trees. The figure was in a shabby dark suit and he was talking to a monk who had appeared out of nowhere and the two men were gesturing to each other in some manner. He squinted and then shaded his eyes and he thought, In this light one could hallucinate anything. He turned back to Sophal, who was looking the other way toward the ruins, which could not, in fact, be seen from that vantage point.
“I love it when there’s no one here,” she was saying.
“I wonder how many people have heart attacks on those steps.”
Leaning in, he kissed the glistening space between the shoulder straps. She flinched slightly.
His lips moved against her hot skin. “I think we’re being watched.”
“There’s always someone watching.”
No doubt it was true. Or half true.
She raised her eyebrows and her smile was slight, as if she for one didn’t mind being watched. As if that was a norm she could accept.
The downward path passed by some handsomely maintained new buildings, including a quadrangular pond. The paint white and gold and fresh. There were donation plaques from Buddhists in America. They came down into a kind of square with ancient trees and old people lying on the benches seemingly oblivious to them. Prayer flags moved in the wind and from the square they could look out over the dark green plain where the oval shadows of clouds moved like grazing cows. Behind them rose the ruins. Temples of Vishnu long toppled and scattered. They moved between the buildings in a gathering and claustrophobic heat and eventually climbed up through a weathered portal and onto the top of a flight of steps that led down to a terrace. Here they lay in the sun for a while. The wind flowed over them and there was no sound but that. Humans seemed not yet to have arrived in that landscape or to have left long ago—you couldn’t tell which. He reached over and laid his hand on her breast and the smile came back, the same slight, stone-carved smile that made her face so serene-looking and ancestral. She turned over and they began to kiss. Soon, however, he heard voices in the square and they got up and walked to the end of the terrace and sat there for a long time enfolded in each other until the clouds on the horizon advanced halfway across the plain. He could see her features in the stone faces above them. The bloodlines, ancient and unbroken, and the mouths with the same smiles. It was a matter of observation, not romantic fantasies. Then, as they watched the plain darken and a roll of thunder reached them, he felt a sudden wave of cold fear overtake him and he turned his head and looked up at the walls. There was no one there but it didn’t matter. There was something there, if not something in human form.
He said, “It’s going to rain, isn’t it? We should beat a retreat.”
He had never believed in the supernatural, but as they wandered slowly back through the ruins he permitted himself the feeling that comes with the nearness of ghosts. Inside the sanctuaries, candles had been lit which had not been lit before. There were flowers, dishes of sweets and incense, and the air had become denser with perfume. At the square the old people had roused themselves and watched them with less indifference. A few monks also sat there eating from plastic plates, though there were no tourists. They sauntered back up the hill to the covered platform where the steps began and sat there in the shade with some cold water they had bought from an old lady with an icebox near the pond. Sophal was thinking ahead to dinner with her parents that night. Should she invite the English boy as well? She was a little confused. She could never gauge how much her father could guess about her.
“What are you doing tonight?” she finally asked.
Robert shrugged and he was conscious of the gesture being lame. He was about to add something when she said, “You can come and have dinner with us tonight if you like. It’s a bit boring for you, but I’ll be there!”
“Then I’ll come.”
“I’ll call them when we’re driving back. You sure you don’t have other plans?”
“I never make plans.”
“Look,” she said, pointing to the steps below them.
The monk was still there, seated under an orange parasol, and it reminded him at once of the temple near Battambang where he had seen Simon. The other man in the shabby suit had disappeared but he had the feeling that this disappearance was not genuine.
“I’m so glad to be back in this country,” she said quietly. “Are you surprised by that?”
“Not at all.”
“This place is special. Don’t you think?”
“I can feel that.”
“I’m happy you can. But somehow you seem anxious. What are you anxious about?”
“I am?”
She had noticed all along that when she looked at him from the side his cheek twitched as if his jaw was clenched. His foot always tapped, his eyes always moved quickly.
“Yes. You are always nervous in some way.”
“Am I really nervous?”
“Yes, you are. There’s something nervous about you.”
Indeed, it was why she didn’t quite trust him.
“You’re always on the lookout.”
“I don’t think so—”
“You haven’t done anything bad, have you, Simon?”
“What do you mean?”
“You haven’t cheated any of your other students?”
He said, slightly annoyed, “I think I’m pretty relaxed. By English standards anyway.”
“Well, you are not a relaxed people.”
“We are what we are.”
“If you’re in trouble—”
“Why would I be in trouble?”
But his laugh was obviously forced.
“People,” she said, “get into all kinds of trouble.”
“Not me.”
On their way back, he was agitated. Sometimes he felt that he was inside a huge broken machine and that there was no exit from it. You’re out of my mind, he thought, remembering a poem about William Burroughs, or was it a line of Burroughs himself? I’m out of your mind. You’re out of my mind.
He slept alone for a while at the Mansions and then walked over to the Sar home to have dinner with the family—it was their specific request. The servants had laid out a table in the garden since the rain had not returned, and dull, dusty-looking stars twinkled above the city’s orange glare. There the three of them sat around candles in glass shells and their faces had a curiously conspiratorial look when he observed them from the windows of the house. The mother was holding forth about something, her hand rising for a moment to emphasize a point then sinking back to her knee. There were tall glasses of white wine. They were an eccentric family, without a doubt; but what made them eccentric was not eccentricity in itself. When he appeared the doctor rose and he made the same gesture with his finger that he had made at the Royal restaurant. They were sitting under a mango tree that looked to be at least a hundred years old, and as if reading his mind the doctor said, almost at once, “See, this is our tree that has been here since before the house was even built! The servants say a spirit lives inside it. They are correct, as it happens.”
It was very different from the meal of the first night. The food now was Khmer, delicate and smoky. Lap khmer salads soaked in lime and kdam chaa crab fried in Kampot green peppers and served with baguettes. The wife, for some reason, retired early and the doctor took out his cigar box and waxed philosophical. It felt to Robert as if he had many things bottled up inside him and that he had not expressed them to many people. As he drank, he became sharper and moodier, and the subject of conversation turned with baleful inexorability to the nation, to the nation which he wanted to explain to a young and impressionable foreigner.
“I have been reading a new book about the seventies, by a man who I greatly respect. A filmmaker. Perhaps you know him?”
The name Rithy Panh, however, meant nothing to Robert.
“No matter. He wrote it in French. He made a film about the S-21 camp. He is interviewing the commandant, Duch—a mass murderer—and he makes a remarkable observation.” The doctor sat back in his chair and looked over at his daughter, waiting for her to say something. He had drilled these things into her since she was little but he seemed to want to know if she understood it after all. “He says that Duch hated Vincent van Gogh but had a noble love for Leonardo da Vinci, and in particular the Mona Lisa. Why does Duch the fanatic Communist and killer love the Mona Lisa? Because, Duch says, she looks like a Khmer woman. There’s something Cambodian in her portrait. An heiress of the kingdom of Angkar perhaps? Or is it because the works of the Renaissance are so mathematical? Duch, you see, was a math teacher before he became one of the world’s most famous torturers. It’s so strange to me that someone like that would have an opinion about the Mona Lisa. He then says that Vann Nath, the man who painted all the images in the museum today, a man who survived the prison—one of only seven people to come out alive—was not a great painter. I think that made me angrier than anything. Vann Nath owns a restaurant these days—we should go over one day and eat there. He is a gentleman.”
“Daddy—” Sophal began.
“What is it?”
“Don’t you think Simon might be a bit overwhelmed by all this?”
“He lives here, doesn’t he? Don’t you, Simon?”
“Yes, sir.”
The “sir” was a little absurd, and the doctor laughed.
“You don’t have to call me sir, Simon. Are you overwhelmed?”
“Not at all.”
“See, he’s not overwhelmed. I can talk about my own country, can’t I? I want to tell you about this book. It’s a remarkable book. He talks about the nation. He says the nation is mysterious to him—as it is to me. What can you say about a nation that killed a quarter of its own population in three years? Such a nation, he says, is enigmatic, impenetrable. It’s a sick nation, maybe even an insane one. I quote word for word. But the world, he says, remains innocent. That’s the strange thing. The crimes of the regime were still human all the same. Those crimes were not a historical oddity, a geographical eccentricity. Not at all. The twentieth century, he says, reached its fulfilment in Cambodia in the Year Zero. The crimes in Cambodia can even be taken to represent the whole twentieth century. They were committed by the most educated people in the country, people who’d studied in Paris. The scholarship boys. The lucky ones. People who knew they were right and educated and well traveled. It was in the Enlightenment that those crimes took place. That’s what is so hard to understand.”
The doctor began to light his cigar. He smoked too much, that was his indulgence in late middle age, and a customary one at that. It made him feel more French, more relaxed.
“I think it was here that all the tendencies of your culture, Simon, reached their maximum point. Do you see what I mean? It all came from you. Had those boys not gone to the Sorbonne, if they had stayed in Buddhist schools, we would have had the usual Southeast Asian corrupt monarchy with a few minor crimes here and there, but nothing more. There would have been no exterminations, no total control. We would have stayed sane. At the prison here they used to conduct experiments, draining all the blood from women to see what would happen. They had already marked “to be destroyed” in the margins of their files. But it was not just us; it was a very European experiment. You destroy people in order to make ideas live. It’s a uniquely Western kind of behavior. Pol Pot was a good student, remember, and a very good carpenter. A gentle boy. He lived for ideas, which is why you had women being drained of all their blood in a converted school. We may have been insane then, but the insanity was not all ours. It was a way of looking at history that completely denied history. There are those who say we’ve always done that anyway—but not with an end in mind. We never wanted to make a perfect society. We are fatalists. We don’t believe in future perfection.”
When you thought about it, the domination of the nation by Western ideas and moods and movements and moral ideologies was a devastating spectacle. The doctor, however, was not recriminating. It was a salient thing about the Khmers, the lack of bitterness they had about it.
“First, you drop half a million tons of bombs on us, then you give us a deadly ideology like Communism which exterminates a quarter of the population, then you send your missionaries here to lecture us about our sexual behavior. I saw on CNN—it was Mira Sorvino, some actress I am sure you know, weeping outside a peasant’s house and screaming at them not to sell their children into indentured servitude. It was all for the camera. The peasants had no idea what she was talking about. But white people are remarkable people—they love charging around on crusade saving everyone. The carpet bombing and the missionaries and the NGOs—all unconsciously connected. You know all these anti-trafficking types. Most of them are evangelicals, missionaries. They seem wonderfully unable to find any trafficked people, but when they do get someone they force them into twenty hours of Bible study a week. No one ever mentions that. We’re like Africa in the nineteenth century to the men from Texas. We’re the place they do their conversions and fund-raising. They themselves live very well here, of course. Tax-free. I’m not saying they aren’t nice people who want to do good. But Duch was a nice boy who wanted to do good. They all think they are right and want to do good. It’s irrelevant. You’ve turned us into your experiment, that’s what I say. We’re just Cambodians after all. Too poor and weak to say no. We always need something from you. It’s only my daughter’s generation that is starting to say fuck off. I see a change in them—a stirring. I am very relieved to see it. They don’t seem to want to be your victims and experiment anymore. Am I talking rubbish, my dear Simon? Forgive me, it’s the wine. My wife says that not only do I smoke too much, but I drink too much as well.”
“It’s perfectly all right,” Robert said.
He was enjoying it immensely.
“Well,” Sar said, blowing out a complete smoke ring, “time will tell. If I am talking rubbish, time will tell. And I never talk to anyone anyway. The white people would be horrified if they heard. But we came to help—we’re sincere. You know how people think.”
The doctor laughed and flicked his ash. They began to eat chocolates and brandy and the stars became noticeably clearer. The talk became gentler and more personal. Robert felt more at home, and for a moment he thought that he could also belong to this family one day. It was far from being an impossible idea.