This chapter examines situations where you have to initiate what may be difficult interactions – such as giving criticism. It also touches on other areas where assertiveness skills are important to managers, such as attending and chairing meetings, and giving presentations, although the scope of this book does not allow an in-depth discussion of these roles.
First, consider why you are criticizing the other person. Is it to get an annoyance off your chest; to ‘have a go’ at them to make you feel temporarily better, or is it to be constructive; to work together towards a change of behaviour or attitude which will benefit you both? Of course, an assertive person will always work to the latter set of criteria.
Giving criticism can be as stressful as receiving it – often more so – and the same preparation is required. Relax, think positively, and remember the needs and feelings of the other person. Use all your assertiveness skills and you will be fine. You may not be flavour of the month for a while, but far better for all concerned assertively to state your criticism. You may not be liked for it, but ultimately you will be respected – even thanked – for helping someone to improve performance, behaviour or attitude.
Let’s go through the stages of giving negative feedback, step by step.
1 Choose the time and the place carefully. Usually it is best to offer the feedback immediately, so that the other person knows exactly to what you are referring and doesn’t have to dredge his memory for the occasion in question. However, if other people are present, make sure you go somewhere quiet and private for the communication. Ensure that you have enough time to talk things through. Don’t call him into your office five minutes before his allocated lunch break, for example. His attention will be on his hunger and the injustice of being criticized in his leisure time.
2 Take care about the environment. Are you both standing or sitting? Are you sending out non-verbal messages appropriate to the situation?
3 Do you want to ‘soften the blow’ or does the criticism demand straight talking? If the former, can you preface your communication with something like ‘I appreciate that you’ve got a lot on your mind at present; however …’. Either this, or first remark on something good about the other person’s work record or attitude, eg, ‘I’m very pleased with the way you relate to the clients. However, I feel that you are having trouble with the paperwork – am I right?’ Make sure that positive prefaces to criticism are truthful, not invented ‘spoonfuls of sugar to help the medicine go down’.
4 Use ‘I’ statements: remember that it is you who want some sort of change from the other person, not the other way around. ‘You’ (blaming) messages label the other person in a negative way, eg, ‘You need to brush up on your paperwork.’ ‘I’ (rational) messages show that you take responsibility for requiring a change of behaviour, eg, ‘I would like you to take more care with your paperwork.’
5 Specify exactly what the person has done which bothers you. Don’t generalize. Talk about facts not opinions. Comment on behaviour, not personality.
6 Don’t be afraid to express your own emotions if this helps give the other person an idea of the force of your feeling on the subject. This could range from, ‘I’m embarrassed at having to talk to you about this’ to ‘I was furious when …’.
7 Use silences. After delivering your initial critical statement, which of course should be honest, clear and concise, allow the other person to respond. They may well require thinking time. Don’t be afraid of an ensuing silence or be tempted to fill it by asking another question which will just confuse the issue and dilute the force of your original critical statement.
8 Be persistent, using Broken Record (see pages 100–05) if necessary. Explain what you want in the way of alternative behaviour. If appropriate, explain the positive aspects of change and/or the consequences of not agreeing to your request.
9 Try always to end on a positive note. Once you are sure that you have been heard and understood, and any agreements to change have been agreed, say something like ‘I’m really glad that we both understand each other. Now tell me about that contract with Hustings & Co – I hear it’s going well.’
We are often quick to criticize, but slow to praise. We are soon told when we make a gaffe, but doing well is mostly taken for granted. So acknowledge efficient work; thank people who take time to listen; praise initiative; recognize extra effort to do well or to please. Don’t take for granted the meal that arrives at the table, on time, every evening, or the fact that the tyres on your car are always miraculously at full pressure without you having to check them, thanks to a thoughtful partner. Don’t ignore subordinates who deliver your mail, wait at table, keep the car parking area neat and tidy.
Praise and thanks go a long way. If you ever need to criticize, your comments are likely to be more palatable if you are known to be fair with your positive and negative observations.
Some people find it difficult to compliment others on their appearance or behaviour. This seems to be especially true with people of opposite gender when meaning or intention might be misinterpreted. This doesn’t alter the fact that most people are pleased to know that effort taken over personal presentation has been noted and approved, so practise giving genuine compliments in a non-threatening way.
If you receive a compliment, acknowledge it gratefully as a ‘gift’ from the other person, eg, ‘Thank you – it was a Christmas present from my son. I like it too.’
ASKING FOR A RISE, PROMOTION OR CAREER MOVE
In Chapter 12 we looked briefly at assertively communicating with your boss. If you have done your preparation well by building a good rapport and by evaluating and believing in your own worth, the task of asking for an improvement in status or salary should be a lot easier. You will need to plan your meeting and rehearse your approach. Make an appointment, letting your boss know that you need his or her undivided attention to discuss something important to you. Depending on your relationship, this could be a formal meeting, or a talk over lunch in the local hostelry. Leave it at that – just make the arrangements. Don’t begin to discuss the content of your proposed meeting then, or you may well ‘shoot your bolt’.
You will need to practise all of your assertiveness skills – present yourself well, maintain eye contact, and show by your demeanour that you are confident and worthy of consideration. You will need to use language that your boss will relate to in a tone and pitch to match his. You will need to allow him to respond and listen well to what he has to say. Above all, you will need to sing your own praises – and this doesn’t come easily to many of us. You must demonstrate why you deserve an increase in salary or promotion, giving examples of the work you have done and where you have ‘gone the extra mile’ for the organization. If you show by your choice of words, tone of voice and body language that you are serious and that this is important to you, you increase your chances of success dramatically.
If you get immediate agreement, great, but don’t be downhearted if your boss stalls. He may well need time to consider your request or discuss it with his superiors. However, you will need to be persistent and arrange a further meeting, by which time you should have some more points in your favour up your sleeve. The bottom line is, if you are worthy of advancement within the company and this is not recognized by management, you might be forced to look for more suitable employment elsewhere, and replacing you would be a costly business. You don’t threaten this of course. Your boss will be well aware of the situation.
If you don’t succeed in getting what you want on this occasion, use the opportunity to ask your boss what you need to do – what extra skills or experience you need to acquire – before you can be considered for promotion or a rise. Ask when your situation can be reviewed and get your boss to commit to a date. Remember that your boss may be restricted in what he can offer, but at the very least you are showing your determination to continue to improve your performance and to climb the corporate ladder. Remember to leave the meeting as assertively as you began it. Don’t show disappointment, but thank your boss for his time with a smile on your face. Walk tall and confidently from the room.
It may be that you are not being as ambitious as this, but merely want a sideways move to improve your promotion chances in the future. The same rules apply. Prepare well and explain what you need and why you need it, using succinct language to which your boss can relate.
If two people are being interviewed for a job and both have exactly the same skills and experience, but one is self-effacing and the other is assertive, who is more likely to impress the interview panel? Doesn’t it make sense to hone up on your assertiveness skills? If you can appear calm and confident, air your views adroitly and ‘sell’ yourself, you are far more likely to impress than someone who undervalues and understates his or her abilities.
Plan ahead. Consider the exercise you did in Chapter 12. You have innate talents and qualities, and over the years you have acquired many professional skills. Look at the talents you listed and break down the skills you require to accomplish the tasks involved. This will, if nothing else, be a huge confidence boost. Consider the likely and possible questions you may be asked and always answer by selling your strengths. For example, an interviewer may well ask you why they should give you the job. The question may be phrased differently, but something of the sort is usually asked at interview. You respond by saying something like, ‘I feel that with my background in … my experience with … and my skills in … I could help your company accomplish …’.
When the time of the interview arrives, remember to dress appropriately and present yourself well. Walk into the room with an air of confidence and greet the panel with a smile. Shake hands only if instigated by the interviewer(s), otherwise sit in the seat offered, adjusting yourself so that you are comfortable, upright and alert. Remember to maintain positive body language in the way you sit, use your hands and so on. Control nervous mannerisms; resist the temptation to appear too laid back or over-confident.
When introductions are made, listen carefully for the names of people you don’t know. Names are important to people, and if you remember and use them in conversation, their self-esteem is boosted and you are more likely to make a favourable and lasting impression. In a formal interview situation, even if you know one of the panel as Sally from marketing, give her the courtesy of her title and surname unless you are invited to do otherwise. Similarly, if someone previously unknown to you introduces himself as Marcus King, use his title and surname during the interview.
Make eye contact with each panel member, irrespective of who actually asks the question. They are asking on behalf of the whole panel, so include everyone in your response.
Be brief and specific in your answering, giving just sufficient detail to answer the question fully, and to do yourself justice. If necessary, ask if the panel would like more information on that point before proceeding.
If a panel member asks a discriminatory question which you would prefer not to answer (such as asking a woman what provision she would make should her children become ill – men aren’t usually asked similar questions) say something like, ‘I don’t understand; could you explain the relevance of the question please’.
If a panel member is poor at interviewing and asks closed questions, help them out by offering more information than a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. In fact, this is an ideal opportunity to take some initiative in the interview and ensure that you say what you need the panel to hear.
Don’t leave the interview without giving all the information you need to further your cause. If you can’t fit this in to the questions asked by the panel, use the opportunity at the end of the interview when the panel asks, ‘Is there anything you’d like to ask us?’ to say something like, ‘Yes, but before I do, there’s something I would like to return to briefly …’.
If it looks as if you are to be dismissed without one of the interviewing panel telling you what the next stage is likely to be, and if you really want the job, you could say something like ‘By the way, Mrs Smith, I would have to serve one month’s notice, but could begin work with you immediately after that’. This might seem pushy, yet it can’t hurt to show that you are keen.
It is not within the remit of this book to discuss the design and structure of presentations, but it is useful to look at delivery. Unless you are expert at writing in the same tone and manner as you speak, reading from written notes will make you appear formal and stilted. Be yourself; use vocabulary and style which you would use in normal, informal conversation. The audience want to be reassured that you are like them and that you understand them.
We speak in short phrases and sentences, using language which comes naturally. If you write down your thoughts and ideas, you will try to fit accurate vocabulary into grammatical sentences – as if you were writing an essay to be marked with points out of ten. I’ve tried to make this book as chatty and conversational as possible, but nevertheless have been careful, for example, not to split infinitives, although the resulting sentence may sound phoney if spoken aloud.
Rehearse your presentation well; have notes beside you for confidence by all means, but wherever possible, talk to your audience in as natural a way as possible.
Dress appropriately for the occasion, but in something you find comfortable and which gives you confidence. How you look – how you feel about yourself – will affect the non-verbal messages you give out.
Know your audience and remember to match vocabulary to their level of knowledge and experience.
Overcome nerves or stage fright by using a relaxation technique. Accept that everyone gets nervous, and a certain amount of adrenalin rush will make for a better presentation. Tell yourself that, whatever happens, you can handle it.
Deliver your presentation with energy. Enthuse. Vary the pace and method of delivery to maintain interest. (Sparingly) sprinkle your talk with analogies and anecdotes; they will bring the presentation alive.
It’s easy to find one or two people in the room with whom you feel in tune, and then make eye contact with them alone. I know it’s reassuring to feel you’ve got supportive people out there, but share your attention with the whole audience. Make eye contact with as many of the group as you can.
Involve your audience by asking questions: hypothetical questions; ones to which you expect an answer; ones which you can pose, then answer yourself. This helps keep the talk lively, holds the audience’s attention, and makes everyone feel included.
End your presentation on a strong note, then ask for questions from the floor. Here we return to the subject of the previous chapter – dealing with problem people – because some of the questions might be tricky. You can prepare for some through prior knowledge of the subject matter of your presentation, and of your audience. If you know your subject matter through and through, you will be able to answer questions of clarification; if the matter was contentious, you will be prepared for disagreement.
This won’t stop you feeling slightly apprehensive, wondering just what you’ve let yourself in for! It’s important, especially if feeling tense, to listen carefully to what is being said, rather than what is implied, so hear the speaker out before jumping in with a response. Be brief, succinct and to the point with your answers; don’t begin a second presentation.
If necessary, buy yourself thinking time, and clarify the question by reflecting back, eg, ‘That’s an important issue; let me be sure that I’ve got it right. You feel that …?’
Don’t get caught up in an interaction with just one member of your audience. Cut the dialogue with something like, ‘It’s obvious that we’ve both got a lot more to say on this subject; perhaps we can continue this at coffee?’
If a question floors you – you honestly don’t know the answer – say so. Tell the questioner that you will find out and get back to her (and do it!) or suggest you send her some reading matter on the subject which she might find helpful.
If a member of the audience goes on and on without actually putting a question, you could say something like, ‘Forgive me for interrupting, but because of time constraints I’m going to have to ask you to tighten up your question’.
If a member of the audience is overtly hostile, treat him as you would any angry person. Immediately acknowledge the hostility, ‘I can see that you feel very strongly about this’ or ‘I see you’re really concerned about this concept’ which, in effect, gives him permission for his hostile feelings. Let him hold forth until the anger has begun to die down; then you can begin to discuss the issue rationally and on a factual level.
Remember, above all, you are in control. It’s your presentation; it’s your information; you control the pace; you can change the direction of the discussion. Whatever happens, you can handle it.
Meetings, either on a one-to-one basis or with a group, can take up a large part of any manager’s day. Good communication skills are important – influencing, persuading, listening, counselling – as is the ability to nurture relationships and goodwill within the workforce, with suppliers, customers and clients. This all calls for assertiveness. The non-assertive manager may let opportunities pass; the need to be liked may override the need to be effective; concern for the feelings of his team may cloud his judgement about what is ultimately best for them and for the organization. The aggressive manager may get instant, short-term results but at the expense of long-term loyalty and commitment from his team.
Let’s look first at your role as a participant at a meeting. Unless you have been allocated a seat, choose somewhere close to the Chair. To a degree this is a status thing, rather like sitting above or below the salt in medieval times. Anyone ‘worth his salt’ would be seated above the condiment, near to the host. Also, the main thrust of the conversation usually takes place near the Chair. The further away you are, the less likely are you to contribute fully to discussions. Another aspect is that if you are unsure of your ground, or don’t wish to speak on a particular item, you are still seen to be ‘in the thick of it’. Participating in an active listening capacity is far easier than if you were at the end of the table, on the periphery of the action.
In terms of positioning, remember that head-on orientation can be confrontational. This can make a subtle difference to the outcome of debates. It is preferable to ‘line up’ with known allies rather than be sitting across the table from them. Remember, too, that group dynamics can do strange things to people. Individuals behave differently ‘in packs’ than they do alone.
Listening is more of a problem at meetings than in one-to-one interactions. This is because everyone wishing to add to the discussion is mentally rehearsing their own contribution and looking for a suitable point to interrupt and have their say. Listening to the person presently holding the floor is therefore not as effective as it might be. You will need consciously to practise active listening if you are to get the most from meetings.
You will also need to practise assertively putting across your point of view, clearly, succinctly and with a force suited to the occasion. If you are supplying information, give facts not opinions. If you are disagreeing with the previous speaker, respect and acknowledge her views, though different from yours, before making your contribution. Avoid remarks like ‘That’s a ridiculous idea’ which is a personal put-down; instead say something like ‘I’m concerned about that proposal because …’. Always try to offer an alternative rather than merely shooting someone else’s idea down in flames.
If you are attending an informal meeting – in other words, you don’t have to address your comments through the Chair – and you need to interrupt an aggressive contributor, be calm and wait for an opportunity to interrupt his or her flow. Use effective body language techniques to make it clear to everyone that you want to contribute at this point and, if necessary, use his name to get his attention – something like ‘Peter, there’s something I’d like to add at this point’. Match his volume and tone of voice until you ‘have the floor’. Pick up from what Peter was saying to acknowledge that you have been listening to, and have understood, his views: ‘I think I understand what you are saying – you feel that … but I feel we might look at this another way.’ If Peter’s aggression is in full flight, you may have to interrupt in a similar way several times, always using his name and demonstrating ‘Broken Record’ – rephrasing your comments until he has calmed down and will let you speak. Usually, assertive persistence will win out.
There are many skills to chairing a meeting which are outside the remit of this book. What we should briefly look at is the people aspect of successfully chairing a meeting. This will involve leading, guiding, questioning, summarizing and sometimes mediating skills. You have to accommodate the needs of the group, and of individuals within the group. For example, it is important to start the meeting on time in fairness to punctual members. Acknowledge latecomers, but don’t recap for their benefit. They will soon learn that punctuality is an expected courtesy to the group.
It is the role of the Chair to ensure that everyone wishing to contribute, does so. This poses at least two problems: how to bring in the naturally retiring and quiet member, and how to control the talkative one!
There are several reasons why people are silent at meetings. Fear of exposure is not the least of these. To have one’s lack of knowledge or experience publicly exposed can be a daunting prospect. Individuals may be shy. They might have views on the topic, but are not yet secure enough to express them in a group situation. They can be encouraged by being asked, by name, whether they have an opinion about a point just raised or, better still, how a proposed suggestion might affect the work of their department or whether an idea would work in their section. This gives something tangible on which to comment and is, perhaps, less threatening than having to voice a personal opinion. When a reluctant member does speak up, be sure to show interest (this doesn’t have to be the same as agreement) to encourage future contributions.
If the members of the meeting are of different levels of seniority, more junior members may be reluctant to air their views in front of senior staff. Where you can, make it possible for them to give information or express their opinions to the group before senior members speak. A certain amount of stage management is important here. As with shy or reluctant speakers, ensure that junior staff contributions are welcomed and encouraged.
If someone goes on at length, use the good chairing technique of picking up an idea or phrase and offering it to another member of the group for comment, eg, ‘“The bottom line”, David, do you see this as the bottom line?’ The only snag with this is that you’ve got to know your members and be sure that David won’t be thrown by being asked to contribute off the cuff in this way. If in doubt, it’s best to ask ‘Does everyone see this as the bottom line?’ and hope that someone will pick up the gauntlet.
If a member is straying from the point, help him save face by saying something like, ‘That’s an interesting point …’ but continue with ‘… but not really relevant to this debate, so we’ll make a note to discuss it on another occasion’.
Body language can often help stem the flow of the garrulous speaker, not by impatiently drumming your fingers or by other aggressive gestures, but by fixed eye contact with a rapid nodding of the head to indicate that you have got their point and now want to move on. Swiftly move your eyes to someone else in the room, away from the talkative member, before posing a question demanding an answer, hopefully from one of the chosen few with whom you’ve renewed eye contact.
Be prepared to interrupt if two members lock horns in argument, if there is a personality clash or if splinter groups begin private conversations. A change of direction in the proceedings at this point is a good idea. Ask a factual question; get the whole group back on target and concentrated on the job in hand. This may need to be preceded by a ploy to gain attention. Usually, a loud, but relaxed and firm voice is all that’s needed. Stay in assertive mode; don’t become aggressive or bossy. Remind members of the goals of the meeting, of the issue under discussion and, if necessary, of time constraints.
Practise people watching. If someone is showing by their body language that they are in disagreement with, angered by or hostile to the flow of the debate, say it as you see it: ‘Janet, I see you are bothered by this proposition.’ Janet then has the option to put her point of view. If there is hostility, better to get it out in the open and deal with it right away.
Close on a positive note; summarize achievements, and remember to thank members for their time and contributions to the meeting.
EXERCISE
The following lines of dialogue show poor assertiveness skills. What is wrong? What would be a better approach?
Giving criticism
1 ‘What do you mean, I’m always late?’
Compliments
2 ‘Your holiday did you good – you look really great.’
‘You must be joking. I’ve been back to work a week and feel shattered.’
Interviews
3 ‘Why should we offer you the position?’
‘I don’t know; there are probably others better suited – but I’ll give it my best shot.’
Presentations
4 ‘You’re obviously upset by my ideas on grumlet production, but what exactly is your question?’
Meetings
5 ‘Peter, you talk a lot, but have nothing to say. Either make your point or let someone else get a word in!’
COMMENTS
1 Giving criticism. The critic has obviously made the cardinal mistake of making a ‘you’ blaming accusation. He or she has also used a generalization, ‘always’, when no doubt the problem is a lack of punctuality, albeit on a fairly frequent basis. Nobody is always anything. If you’re offering negative feedback, remember it’s you who want the change, not the other person, so take responsibility for initiating the interaction by using ‘I’ statements.
The person receiving the feedback should, of course, have countered with something like, ‘Yes, I’m 15 minutes late today; but generally I think I’m quite punctual’.
2 Compliments. A compliment is a gift. If the receiver throws the gift back, it’s tantamount to a rejection of the giver, and will be perceived as a slight. Be gracious in your acceptance. Say something like, ‘Thanks, I feel better with a sun tan’.
3 Interviews. Being interviewed is not an occasion for self-effacement. Take every opportunity assertively to sell your skills, talents and attributes to the interviewing panel. This doesn’t mean arrogance or boasting, but a composed account of why you are the best person to meet the needs of the organization.
4 Presentations. The questioner may be incensed and taking a long time to get to the point, but don’t imply that he is to blame for your incomprehension. Take the onus on yourself. Say something like, ‘I can see that you’re concerned about the changes I’m proposing. I want to answer you as fully as possible, so can I just check – you’re worried about …?’
5 Meetings. The other members of the group probably realize that Peter’s a bit of an idiot without you pointing it out to them! Whenever you need to interrupt someone – cut them off to allow others the opportunity to speak – help them save face by identifying something they have said and acknowledging its worth or interest before moving on to one of the tactics suggested in the text above.
KEY POINTS
• In potentially stressful situations, appear calm and confident in what you say, how you say it, and how you behave.
• When giving criticism relax, think positively and remember the needs and feelings of the other person.
• Be constructive, explaining clearly what the problem is and what is needed to be done about it.
• Talk about facts, not opinions; comment on behaviour, not personality.
• Use techniques described in earlier chapters to ensure communication is constructive and will ultimately benefit both parties.
• When receiving criticism, stay positive and seek a constructive way forward.
• Receive compliments graciously.
• Spontanaity can be achieved by rehearsing and practising techniques until they become second nature.