––––––––
Kelsey walked out of the department store and glanced up. It was a beautiful day for December. Christmas was only a week away. She wondered if it was snowing in Montana. Would she ever stop thinking of him? She shook her head, and started for her car.
She was unlocking her car when out of the corner of her eye, she saw a man across the parking lot. It was the cowboy hat on his head, which caught her attention. She glanced at him and her knees nearly buckled as her chest constricted. Then he disappeared behind a van. No, it couldn’t be him. Did she miss him so much that she was hallucinating seeing him in the mall parking lot?
Climbing into her car, she tried to put the key into the ignition but her hands were shaking so much, she had to stop and take a deep breath. When a sudden tap sounded on her window, she nearly screamed. She looked up and for a moment, she didn’t believe her eyes. Ryder. He was real and standing alongside her car. She put her window down a little.
“Ryder? What are you doing here?” she whispered because her chest was so tight, she hadn’t enough air to speak louder.
“Looking for you...Kelsey, I...,” he didn’t say anymore but dipped his head, his hat shading his handsome face.
Kelsey blinked tears from her eyes. He looked so wonderful. She shook her head at him when he raced his head again, and wondered why he was in Georgia.
“Are you visiting Uncle Frank and Aunt Grace?”
He looked away and gave a silent laugh, then looked back to her.
“I’m staying with them, but I came to see you.” He leaned against the car lowering his upper body toward the open window. “I want you to come home, Kelsey.”
“Home? I am home, Ryder.”
“No, you’re not. Your home is in Montana with me.”
Tears filled her eyes so she looked away and shook her head. “You sent me away Ryder. I told you I’d stay but you didn’t want me.”
“Kelsey, baby, I do want you. Can we please go somewhere and talk about this? I’ve thought long and hard on this and I know I’m not like him. You saw it in me even when I didn’t. I could never hurt you or a child.”
She looked away from him and stared out the front window of the car. This was what she’d wanted to hear when she asked to stay so why now? Why come after her now? Was it the holidays? Was he just missing her and feeling lonely? Suddenly, he decided he wants her with him in Montana, so he comes all this way and what she was supposed to do? Drop everything and go with him? For how long? Until he decides, he can’t trust himself again and tells her to leave? She can’t go through that again.
Kelsey took a deep breath and turned her head to meet his pleading gaze.
“No. No, Ryder, we can’t go talk about this. You ended this because of your fears. Fears you’ll always have because loneliness isn’t going to make them go away. You need to work through this and unless you do that, I can’t go through this again. How am I supposed to trust that you won’t wake up one day and decide you can trust yourself around me, and what if we do have a child...will you send both of us away?” She shook her head, fighting back the emotion constricting her chest. “I can’t do it. I love you but I can’t live on a tightrope waiting to fall. I told you, you were going to regret letting someone like me go. Well, I’m gone, and I’m done.”
She blinked back tears, raised the window, put the car in gear, and drove off. Glancing into the rearview mirror she saw him standing there staring after her. Then she saw his head drop down, and felt a sharp pang of regret. She was tempted to go back then chastised herself.
How dare he come after her? How dare he! Did he think she’d just forget the pain he’d caused her by sending her away? He’d been so cruel to her the day she left that she’d cried the entire way home. Her heart had been broken and it wasn’t going to mend just because he came to Georgia and declared that he suddenly believed he was past his fears. She slapped the steering wheel with her hand. Damn him!
****
Ryder watched Kelsey drive away. You blew it, Wolfe. She no longer wants you. She says she loves you but obviously not enough. He knew he had to leave. He also knew it would be hard explaining why he was going home when he just got here, but there was no way he could stay now. Frank and Grace would have Kelsey’s family over during the holidays and he knew he wouldn’t be able to handle that. No. It was time to go back to Clifton and be miserable. Just as Olivia had predicted he would be.
Two days later, Ryder walked into his home and dropped his suitcases to the floor. It was over and his own damn fault he’d lost her. He’d had this extraordinary good thing with her and he’d made her go because he was afraid. He was a coward.
He pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down, dropping his head into his hands. Anger tensed across his shoulders when he realized that son of a bitch sperm donor father of his ruined his life in more ways than just the neglect and beatings. He’d left a lasting impression on Ryder and now he had pushed away the only woman who truly understood him. He’d made her go because he was afraid he was going to be just like the asshole who was his creator.
Ryder knew she was too smart for him. He should have realized she wouldn’t believe he’d had a sudden change of heart and truly believed it himself when he tried to get her to come back home. Would he start thinking he’d turn into his old man and start this all over again? Damn, she did know him better than he knew himself. Until he believed it, she never would, no matter how much he tried to convince her.
He sighed, climbed out of the chair, and stripped off his coat and hat. Grabbing up his suitcases, he trudged off toward his bedroom, a shower, and bed. He was too tired to think right now. Maybe once he got it through his head there was no chance of her coming back, he’d move on with his life. He laughed aloud as he passed the room she’d stayed. Move on to what? A life without Kelsey? Christ! Just the thought of that hurt like a crushing weight on his chest. He’d always said he’d be alone for the rest of his life, and she’d fought him on that. She’d asked him if that was what he really wanted. No, it wasn’t, but in the end, he’d been right.
****
Christmas Eve, Kelsey was in her car on her way to Frank and Grace’s. It was another beautiful day for December, very much like the day Ryder had shown up to see her. Her chest tightened at the thought that Ryder had returned to Clifton. She’d half hoped he’d be here with Frank and Grace, but her mother had told her he was gone after speaking with Grace.
She steered into the driveway of the beautiful home of Frank and Grace Sanders. She really wasn’t in the holiday mood but she would try. She climbed out, retrieved the presents from the back seat, and walked to the front door. Right before she rang the bell, Grace opened the door and greeted her. Grace hugged her around the armful of gifts she carried and laughed as she took some of the presents from Kelsey.
“It looks like you went overboard again, kiddo,” Grace said with a big smile.
Kelsey grinned, and then gave a half-hearted laugh. “Just a tad. I love you both, so I go a little crazy at Christmas.”
She followed Grace into the living room, a cozy room filled with pictures of them with Ryder as a handsome young man. Frank stood when she and Grace entered and immediately grabbed up some of the gifts setting them under a beautifully decorated Christmas tree before greeting her.
“Hello, Uncle Frank.” She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him.
“Kelsey, you get more beautiful every day.” He told her in her ear as he hugged her back.
Kelsey smiled up at him. “You’re just biased.”
Grace wrapped her arm around her shoulder, giving her an affection squeeze then led her to the sofa where they both sat.
Frank laughed. “How about some eggnog and holiday cookies?”
She smiled and nodded. “That would be nice, thank you.”
She watched him leave the room and now left alone with Grace, and surrounded by memories of their life with Ryder, she hoped the conversation wouldn’t turn to Ryder. She glanced at Grace and frowned at her when she saw the woman staring at her.
“You’re in love with Ryder, aren’t you?” Grace whispered, her arm pulling her close.
Kelsey started to shake her head, but her heart had its own plan and the tears quickly began to slide down her cheeks. “Yes. But he sent me away, Aunt Grace. He’s so afraid that he’s going to be like his father, his real father.”
Grace snorted. “Nonsense. Of course, we don’t believe that at all and if he did, I think he’s beginning to believe he doesn’t have to be like him either. At least, that’s what I got from him.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, he was here for a few days, but then he left suddenly, for some reason he wouldn’t tell us why. But when I tried to press him for detail, he told me how he has always feared that he would become like that...that man who fathered him, but that recently he had come to understand that even though that man was his father, Frank was his dad. Frank was the one who taught him how to be a man. Frank was all he had needed in a real father.” Grace’s eyes were tearing up as she spoke. “I knew he would never be like that despicable father of his, and I told him that. I know deep in my heart that my Ryder would never cause intentional harm to any living being because he just doesn’t have that kind of mean in him. In all the years he lived with us, not once did he strike out, and trust me when I tell you that he was an angry and mistrusting young man back then. Something was pulling at him but he knows being the man he is today, he owes to Frank, and he told Frank that before leaving.”
Kelsey had tears rolling down her cheeks. “He came to see me, Aunt Grace, and I sent him away.”
“Oh my, so that’s the reason he came to visit when he said he wasn’t, and then left in such a hurry. Then, Kelsey dear, you need to go after him and tell him you were wrong and that you believe in him.”
“I do believe in him. I just worry that he doesn’t believe in himself. After the way I treated him when he came all the way here for me, I doubt if he’ll take me back now.”
“Of course he will. You need to go to him, Kelsey.” Grace placed her hand over Kelsey’s hand.
Kelsey wondered if Grace was right. Had she caused him the same kind of pain she’d suffered through when he let her go? Perhaps he really did love her, but he had to believe that he would never hurt her or any child they may have. She looked at Grace. She thought about what she’d told her of his realizations. Suddenly, she nodded her head and stood. “You’re right. I’m going back to Clifton. I love him and that’s where I need to be—with Ryder.”
Frank walked into the room carrying a tray containing a plate of decorated cookies, and three tumblers filled with eggnog. He raised his eyebrows in question. Grace smiled at him.
“I think our goddaughter is going to become our daughter in-law.”
Frank smiled and laughed, setting the tray on the coffee table. “I’d love nothing more!”
When he reached out to hug her, Kelsey shook her head. “But what if he hates me now?” She flopped back down on the sofa.
“Kelsey, you can’t give up on him. Ryder suffered that far too often growing up. The only people, who never gave up on him, other than Grace and me, are his friends in Clifton. That’s why they’re all so close. If you love him, go after him. Show him how you’ve got his back that you believe in him and his belief in himself will grow even stronger.” Frank smiled at her and he knew why Ryder was such an amazing man. He’d had the best role model ever.
She nodded and pushed to her feet. “Well, there’s no time like the present. Oh my, speaking of which, please forgive me but I need to get moving if I want to spend Christmas with him, right?”
Frank and Grace smiled and nodded their agreement. She hugged them both and ran out of the house. At the door, she called out, “I hope I can get a flight out. I love you both—Merry Christmas.”
However, it wasn’t meant to be because all flights were booked. She had to wait until the day after Christmas but thankfully, her parents supported her decision to go.
“If he doesn’t want to have kids, I’ll have to learn to live with it. I can survive without kids but I’m not sure I can live without him.”
“I know, honey. Just know we’re here for you.” Her mother told her and knowing that made this a whole lot less scary.
When the plane touched down in Butte, Kelsey felt her anticipation and fear starting to grow. She wasn’t thrilled about the wonderful bus ride ahead but it would give her more time to ready herself to face Ryder. What if he turned her away like she had him?
Kelsey sighed as she took in the view from her bus window. It was like the first time she had flown to Montana and boarded the bus to Clifton. She stared out the window mesmerized by the beautiful mountains. They had nothing like it in Georgia. Not even Stone Mountain. This time it was snowing a little. She snickered. Of course, it was snowing...its December! Perhaps she needed to come back for a visit in summer and see this beautiful state when it wasn’t snowing. Visit? Oh, no...this was no visit. This was a coming home trip.
She shook her head and squared her shoulders against the seat. She wasn’t leaving again. No matter what he said to her, no matter how he reacted to her showing up at Wolfe Ranch...she was not going anywhere this time. She chewed on her bottom lip. But what if he didn’t want her now? She’d been so rude to him the last time they saw each other. She’d told him she was done. Kelsey, how could you be so stupid? He came after you and you sent him away after telling him you were done with him.
She choked back a sob.
****
Ryder sat in the living room staring at the fire roaring in the fireplace. The warmth coming from it felt good yet didn’t lift his spirits leaving him still feeling chilled. Both of his dogs were lying at his feet and they hadn’t taken their eyes off him. It seemed they knew he was feeling low but didn’t know how to cheer him up.
When his cell rang, he picked it up and looked at the screen. He sighed before answering it.
“Hey, Sam.”
“Ryder, are you all right? I’ve been trying to reach you for days,” Sam scolded him.
“I’ve been busy. You know that.”
He heard Sam sigh. He wished everyone would just leave him alone. He wasn’t going to do anything crazy, if that was what they all thought. He just wanted to be left alone. What was so hard to understand about that? Frank and Grace were upset that he hadn’t stayed with them for Christmas. It was a rare occasion for him to go to Georgia for Christmas, so when he’d been there last week, they’d been so happy, which made leaving without any real explanation made him feel like crap. It had to hurt them very much and they didn’t deserve that...especially not from him. Christmas was a joyous time of year, and he’d managed to ruin everyone else’s besides his own. He sure as hell wasn’t feeling any joy. All he felt was broken—heart broken. Beat down, and unwanted just as he had as a kid. He shook his head not wanting to go there.
“What do you want, Sam?”
“I just wanted to make sure you were all right. It’s what friends do, you jack-ass.”
Ryder burst out laughing. Leave it to Sam to get him to laugh. He heard Sam chuckle. Ryder took a deep breath.
“I’m fine. Why is everyone so worried about whether or not I’m all right?”
“Because Kelsey’s gone, that’s why.”
“So? Do you think I’m sitting around here moping about it?”
“Probably not, but maybe you should be. You can’t tell me you’re not in love with her. I saw the way you looked at her.”
“You’re crazy. I’m not in love with her. I wish everyone would mind their own business.”
“Okay, my friend, but you can lie to yourself all you want. I know you’re in love with her.”
“You don’t know anything. I’ll talk to you later, Sam.” Ryder hung up.
Feeling agitated and annoyed, he stood and walked to the window. The snow was coming down heavier now. The weather station had stated it was going to snow all day and well into the next day—up to two feet possible before it stops. Kelsey would love it.
Ryder needed to stop thinking about her, but even as he sat in the window seat and looked out at the landscape slowly coating over in white, he saw nothing. His mind kept rerunning that day when she told him to go away. He never believed he’d be in this situation. Hurting like this because of a woman. The pain was unbearable at times. He rubbed his chest over his heart. It didn’t help. Nothing was going to help. Unless Kelsey came back to him, nothing was going to help ease the hurt. He just had to learn to live without her.
****
Kelsey stared through the windshield barely able to see the road ahead of her. The wipers were starting to slow down due to ice accumulating on them.
You’re an idiot, Kelsey Sullivan. You have to be crazy in love to do this! What are you thinking? He’s probably going to toss you off the ranch! Stupid! And this snow! This snow is ridiculous. It will probably kill you before he has a chance to reject you.
It was bad enough that the roads had snow on them, but they were slippery as hell and it was so dark. Was it possible for dark to be darker than dark? The bus had dropped her off two hours ago and it had taken forever to rent the SUV. Although, she was very happy the car rental place had an SUV with four-wheel drive available. Of course, at the rate things were freezing, she wondered if the four-wheel drive was going to help at all. Nothing helped in ice, and with her lack of experience driving in what to her was a blizzard, she was lucky she was still alive. The snow and ice had turned a fifteen-minute trip into an hour-long trip from town, and she wasn’t there yet. She had to fight to keep the car centered in the tire tracks on the roads to gain any traction.
Relief settled over her when she saw Ryder’s driveway reflected in the headlights ahead. She slowed the vehicle even more, steering into the heavy snow undisturbed in his driveway, and then stopped at the closed gate. Just wonderful!
She stepped out of the vehicle to push the gate open but as soon as her feet hit the snow, she sank in—almost to her knees! She trudged through it, unhooked the gate, and started pushing it open. The only problem was that it was far more difficult to push due to the snow. She pushed at it a small amount at a time, the cold, damp, and exertion wearing her down. She tried pushing the snow away from the bottom of the gate with her gloved hands when it would get stuck and wouldn’t move. It only helped a bit because when she put both hands on it and pushed, it only moved a bit. She took a deep breath, leaned into with all she had and pushed with all her might. The gate moved, but it moved more than she’d anticipated and she ended up face down in the snow.
Kelsey lay there in utter shock, and in exhaustion, for a few seconds. She pushed to her knees, and stood up. Snow covered the entire front of her, including in her hair and on her face. She brushed herself off best she could since her gloves were caked with snow as well. She gave the gate another hard push. Finally, it was almost open far enough to get the vehicle through. She cursed the snow and Ryder for putting her through this, and hoped one more good push would do it. She put her hands on the top of the gate and gave it a final push. It was open. She’d done it!
Cold, wet, and in desperate want of a hot bath and bed, she trudged back to the SUV and climbed inside, knocking the snow off her legs and boots before closing the door. She drove it through the gate, and then stopped. Damn it! She remembered she had to close the gate. Double damn it! She stopped the vehicle and stepped out into the snow again. She started to push the gate closed and realized she hadn’t pulled the vehicle far enough forward for it to clear the back end.
“Oh my God,” she screamed at the sky in frustration.
She stomped back into the vehicle, climbed in with snowy feet, and pulled it up a little farther, and then she begrudgingly climbed back out into the snow and started to trudge back to the gate. She stopped and stared at the empty landscape blanketed in white around her.
To hell with it. If he wanted it closed, he can come out in this shit and close it himself!
Kelsey blew out a hot breath making steam in the cold air, turned and walked back to the vehicle. When she reached it, she laid her hand against the side to steady herself as she once more tried to knock clinging, caked on snow from her legs. Not realizing how icy the exterior of the SUV had become, her snow caked glove slipped, and once more, she found herself on the ground in the snow, this time on her back.
Kelsey lay there in total disbelief. Suddenly, she started laughing. She was laughing so hard at the ridiculousness of her predicament that she had tears rolling down her face that would probably freeze if she didn’t stop.
“Ryder Wolfe, your ass better be worth all this!” She pulled herself back to her feet, knocking some of the snow off her now sore ass, climbed into the vehicle, and gingerly drove the rest of the way up to the house. She steered the vehicle around to the back door where Ryder’s truck was parked too, and sat looking at the house.
Well, this is it, she thought, time to fish or cut bait.