Chapter Twelve

Late Saturday morning, Josie sat curled up on the sofa in the living room, reading from the book of Psalms. Sometimes Gramps practiced his reading from the Bible, speaking the words out loud as she helped him sound them out. The fact that it was Grandma’s birthday today made the Bible even more precious to Josie. Reading from it seemed to bring her closer to her grandmother. The poignant words seeped deep into Josie’s soul. She hungered for the knowledge they imparted. Reading the passages, she started applying the principles to her own life, and saw ways to make herself a better, happier person.

Gramps stepped in from the kitchen and stood in the doorway, considering her. She looked up and smiled.

“Is something on your mind?” she asked.

“Yeah.” He held her gaze for several moments, a look of compassion on his face.

“It’s Grandma Vi’s birthday today,” she said. An overwhelming feeling of love encompassed her heart.

“So it is. You up to taking a little ride with me?” He smiled and popped a piece of toast with raspberry jam into his mouth.

Placing the book aside, she uncurled her legs and sat forward on the couch. “Sure. When did you want to leave?”

“In ten minutes.”

Not a lot of notice, but at least she was dressed. She had tossed a load of laundry into the washer and swept the skiff of snow off the front porch.

Curious about their destination, she indicated her clothing. “Am I dressed okay?”

“Yep.” Chewing the toast, he headed toward his bedroom.

“I’ll be ready.” She stood and went to the closet to stomp on her snow boots and put on her coat.

Gramps soon returned, dressed in his winter gear. He went outside to fire up his truck and turn on the defroster. By the time Josie joined him, a warm jet of air filtered through the cab.

“Where we going?” she asked as she buckled up.

“You’ll see.”

She sat back, enjoying the quiet companionship of being with her grandfather. They didn’t speak as he drove down Main Street. It had snowed again, but melted off the road, leaving the black asphalt gleaming. Shoppers bustled along the sidewalks as Gramps pulled up in front of the general store.

“Why are we stopping here?” she asked, confused.

He opened the door, but left the truck running. “You’ll see. Wait here. I’ll be right back.”

Puzzled by his mysterious manner, Josie decided to enjoy the surprise. As he went inside the store, he waved at a couple of friends who were leaving. True to his word, he returned minutes later carrying four small, potted red poinsettias.

Tugging on the handle, Josie opened the door for him and he passed her the flowers.

“These are nice.” She set the pots on the floor between her feet so they wouldn’t tip over.

“Red was always Ma’s favorite.” He climbed inside, put the truck in gear and drove on.

“What are they for?” she asked as she admired the vibrant color of the soft petals.

“Not what. Who.”

She crinkled her forehead. “Who are they for?”

“You’ll see,” he repeated.

He headed out of town, making a turn near the feed and grain store. As they rounded the bend near the outskirts, she realized where they were going.

The cemetery sat off to one side of the road. Fields lay before her, swathed in snow and segmented by one-lane dirt roads pitted by mud puddles. Headstones laden with melting ice dotted the expansive area. A black wrought-iron fence surrounded the perimeter, the spiky tips reaching upward toward the gray, clouded sky.

Gramps pulled inside the main gate, then drove two rows down and three over before he shut off the engine.

Josie didn’t need to ask what they were doing here. Gramps obviously wanted to visit Grandma Vi for her birthday. The sentimentality of it warmed Josie’s heart. How she wished she had someone to love and dote upon the way Gramps had always doted on Grandma.

Without a word, he climbed out and came around to open Josie’s door for her. She handed him one of the poinsettias.

“Bring two of them and leave one behind for you,” he said.

She smiled, touched by his gift. “Thank you, Gramps.”

She kissed his weathered cheek and a rumbly sound of pleasure came from the back of his throat.

After she’d scooped up two of the plants, he took her elbow and assisted her across the uneven road. As she neared her parents’ graves, an uneasy feeling crawled up her spine. A dark fog filled her mind, the memory of funerals, tears and loneliness. She’d first lost Daddy, then Mom and then Grandma Vi. And by Josie’s way of thinking, that was way too many funerals for someone her age to have to attend. Knowing she’d one day have to bury Gramps almost broke her heart.

Scrunching her shoulder up, she tried to wipe her suddenly damp eyes. Though her grandparents had brought her here throughout the years and told her stories about her family members, Josie didn’t like this place. Even though her loved ones rested here, it was just another reminder of all that she’d lost, and that there was still more to lose.

They tromped through the fresh snow as Gramps led her to Grandma’s grave. Ignoring the dampness, he knelt down and jerked the knit cap off his graying head in a show of respect. The right knee of his blue coveralls soaked up the moisture, but he paid it no mind. With his gloved hands, he brushed snow off Grandma’s headstone. His fingers lovingly caressed Vi’s name before he set one poinsettia on the ground. Bowing his head, he held the cap in his lap.

“Happy birthday, Vi. I hope it’s the best day ever for you up in heaven. And merry Christmas, too.” His low voice sounded thick.

Watching him, Josie felt a deep reverence for the love and esteem he’d shared with her grandmother. Josie wished she could comfort him somehow, but had no words to speak. Deep in her soul, she carried an abiding faith that death was not the end. Her reasoning mind could not accept anything less. And if that was true, then families must be eternal.

Once again, Josie couldn’t help wishing she could share her love with one special man. Someone she could love more than life itself. Someone who would mourn at her grave if she died.

“This is another reason I can’t leave Camlin.” Gramps didn’t look up as his voice surrounded her. “I need to be here for Vi. To visit her every week.”

Josie rested a hand on his shoulder, her feet crunching in the snow as she shifted her weight. “I know, Gramps. You don’t have to leave. I understand.”

And she truly did. For so long, Josie had lived her life isolated, and thinking other people were holding her back. That she didn’t need anyone. That she was better off alone. Now, she realized how wrong she’d been. The quiet support and encouragement she’d received all her life were invaluable. Her family had given her wings to fly. To grow and become a better person. To reach her goals. The realization of how much she appreciated them made her shiver.

“Gramps, why did they divorce?”

He took a deep inhalation before letting it go. “Who knows? Money problems. The stress of life. Selfishness is always at the core. I’ve never heard of a divorce where one or both partners weren’t being selfish in some way or another.”

She supposed that was true, and resolved to be more giving, more selfless.

“I realize Dad was your son, but why didn’t my mom like coming here to visit you and Grandma after he died?”

Gramps took another deep breath. “She did back when they were first married, and you were born. But after the divorce and then your dad’s death, I think it hurt her too much.”

“Why? What happened?”

Her grandfather shrugged his drooping shoulders, his breath puffing on the air. “I think coming here was a reminder of everything she’d lost. It was too painful for her. Suddenly, she couldn’t seem to get along with your grandmother anymore, but I think that was just an excuse not to stay. We always welcomed her with open arms.”

Josie figured her mom must have been riddled by guilt. For years after she’d died, Josie made so many excuses not to come home. To stay away. Because she’d feared the pain of losing the very people she sought to avoid. Maybe she was just like her mother—cold and remote. Angry and unforgiving. And that frightened Josie. Because she didn’t want to end up being alone all her life.

Until she’d met Clint Hamilton and his sweet little daughter, she had given up hope of ever marrying. But now she couldn’t seem to think of anything else. What was it about the two of them that made her want to love again? To put her family first, above everything else, including her career?

She didn’t know; it just seemed to be happening that way. But that didn’t mean she knew what to do about it.

Pray.

The thought came to her so suddenly, a still, small voice deep within her heart.

“One time, I drove by the cemetery after your mom had dropped you off at the house for a short visit,” Gramps said.

“And?”

“And I saw your mom here, lying across your father’s grave. I stopped to comfort her, but it did no good. She was inconsolable. I think she regretted the divorce. Your dad died believing he’d be able to get her back one day. And maybe deep in her heart, your mom believed it, too. But death stole that chance from them. It was too late to make things right. And I think that’s one reason your mom was so unhappy in life. She was racked by guilt. She’d lost your dad and couldn’t make it right. Not in this life, anyway.”

Josie blinked back sudden tears. The thought of Mom lying here, mourning the husband she’d lost, was almost too much to bear. In the past, it would have galvanized Josie’s commitment not to love again. To remain aloof and protect her heart. But not this time. In the past few weeks, something had changed for her. She’d always believed in God and the atonement of Christ, though she hadn’t always shown it. But now, she no longer wanted to wallow in guilt and past regrets. She wanted to live. To take the chances that might lead to her happiness.

Bracing one hand against the headstone, Gramps climbed to his feet and wrapped an arm around Josie’s shoulders. “Your mom and dad loved you very much. I hope you know that.”

No, that wasn’t completely true. “Dad never came to see me after the divorce.”

Gramps jerked his head around. “He did, but your mom wouldn’t let him see you. Every time he called or sent you a gift, she refused them.”

Oh, no. It couldn’t be true. But it must be. Josie realized that now. Her mom had been so filled with anger that she’d made everyone else miserable, too. “I never knew.”

Standing there in the cold field, she gazed at the trio of graves. One day, Gramps would rest along Grandma’s right side. And Josie dreaded that day like the plague.

“I used to think Mom hated me,” she said.

Gramps snorted. “Of course not. After your dad died, I think you were the only thing that kept her sane. Different people react to loss in different ways. Your mom lived for you, but it was hard. She didn’t have much and we didn’t have much to offer her, either. She worked hard to provide for you, and never gave up trying until the very end. I hope you’ll always remember that.”

His words sank deep into Josie’s soul. Suddenly she understood all the sacrifices Mom had made for her. Working extra hours at her various jobs so she could take time off to attend one of Josie’s field trips or science fairs. Although dark circles of fatigue marred her eyes, Mom had never voiced a single word of complaint. She just did it.

Maybe Gramps was right. Maybe Mom hadn’t known how to show her inner feelings very well. Maybe Josie had read the situation all wrong.

And for the first time in a long time, she felt a peaceful feeling settle over her, as if arriving safely at her destination after a long and harrowing journey past a dangerous cliff. It must be the fledgling knowledge that God loved her. That she wasn’t alone as long as she accepted the Lord into her life. A new concept that brought her a lot of comfort.


Reaching out his arms, Clint swung Gracie free of his truck and whirled her around. She squealed and clung to him. The pompom on top of her red knit cap bobbed wildly.

“Daddy, put me down,” she cried.

He set her on her feet, his laughter mingling with hers in the crisp morning air. He took a breath, the frozen breeze biting his nose and lungs.

“When we’re finished visiting Grandma Vi, maybe we’ll have lunch at the Pizza Shop in town. Would you like that?” Picking up the single white rose he’d laid on the dashboard earlier, he slammed the truck door and took Gracie’s hand in his.

“Sure. Can we invite Grandpa Frank and Josie?”

He released a deep sigh of frustration, his boots sinking into the snow of the cemetery as they rounded a tall, barren cottonwood. For some reason, he just couldn’t get it through Gracie’s head that they didn’t need to spend every free moment with the Rushtons.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea....”

He froze in midstride, staring straight ahead. Frank and Josie stood together beside Viola’s grave, their arms linked, their heads bowed as they spoke quietly together.

Great! He should have thought about this. Of course Frank and Josie would be here visiting today. It was Viola’s birthday, after all. But Clint thought Frank usually came in the afternoons.

Reticent to interrupt, Clint opened his mouth to suggest they come back later.

“Josie!” Gracie yelled.

Too late.

The woman lifted her head, her eyes wide with surprise.

Jerking her hand free, Gracie took off at a run, galloping across the snow-covered cemetery. Not even considering that this was a place of respect.

“Gracie! Stop,” Clint called after her.

She tripped over a low headstone and went down. As he ran to help, she pushed herself up and brushed at the snow covering her pants and coat.

“Hey, sweetheart. You okay?” Josie reached the child first.

“Uh-huh.” Gracie nodded.

Clint didn’t like this behavior at all. He bent over and inspected her. “Are you all right?”

She nodded and smiled.

He hugged her, then gave her a warning look. “Okay, but remember where we are. People’s family members are buried here. Be polite and don’t go running across the cemetery like that again.”

She gave a little nod. “Sorry, Daddy. Can I take the rose to Grandma Vi now?”

Chuckling at her exuberance, he handed it over. Gracie held it up for Josie’s inspection. “We brought Grandma a rose for her birthday.”

“You did? That’s so nice of you.”

Whirling about, the girl picked her way carefully over to the road and then raced toward Frank.

“Hi, Grandpa Frank. Look what I got.” Gracie’s voice carried across the field, her enthusiasm contagious.

She launched herself at him. The elderly man opened his arms to receive her. “Hi, sweetheart. I’m so glad you came.”

Turning, Clint smiled at Josie and gestured toward his recalcitrant daughter. He felt suddenly shy again, like an awkward schoolboy. He longed to take her in his arms and feel her melt against him. “We didn’t know you’d be here, too. We didn’t mean to intrude.”

“It’s no problem. Gramps and I were almost finished. You’re lucky you caught us,” Josie said.

Lucky. Yes, maybe so. He couldn’t ignore a sudden feeling of excitement pulsing through his veins, as well as the danger signals ringing inside his head. Big-time.

“Are you here just for Grandma Vi, or is Karen buried here, too?” Josie turned and looked around the cemetery, as if she might spy Karen’s grave.

“No, Karen is buried in Caldwell, Idaho. We don’t get to visit her often, so we visit Viola instead. But I don’t want Gracie to forget her mom.” He spoke in a soft voice that wouldn’t carry to his daughter.

“I can understand why. Caldwell’s a long ways away from here.” Josie also lowered her tone.

He hitched one shoulder. “It’s where we were living when Gracie was born.”

“Is that where Karen was from?”

“No, she grew up in a small coal mining town in Oklahoma.” He didn’t like talking about his wife, but he couldn’t seem to shut off the flow of information.

“Ah, and what brought her out west?”

“Me. We met while I was working for the Forest Service. She had a part-time job bagging groceries at the general store. We hit it off immediately.”

And he’d married her two months later. She’d been desperate to escape her life, and he’d provided the way out. He’d been so drawn in by her wide, soulful eyes and soft voice. He’d loved her instantly. Or at least he’d thought it was love. After their marriage, he’d locked his heart to all other women. Her gentle innocence had cried out to him. He couldn’t seem to help himself. It had been his privilege and joy to sweep Karen out of the poverty she was living in and make a life with her. He didn’t find out about the abuse she’d suffered until months later, when she was pregnant with Gracie. By that time, he was committed. This was his family and he’d do anything for them. He’d refused to give up on Karen. Even if she gave up on herself.

“She suffered from a deep depression. I couldn’t make her happy.” The moment he said the words, Clint regretted them.

Josie stared at him, as though not knowing what to say. “I don’t believe that. Sometimes it’s not so simple. You know that, right?”

He didn’t nod or flex a single muscle. He wanted to accept what Josie said, but he couldn’t. His guilt wouldn’t allow it.

“Depression can make people mentally ill, Clint. I know you must have done everything you could for her,” Josie said.

“You’re very kind,” he said. “And in my mind, I know you’re right. But in my heart, I feel like I failed her. Like I should have been able to do something more to help her.”

“Like what?”

Faced by Josie’s blunt question, Clint wasn’t sure. And that did something to him inside. He felt a softening, as though the chunks of ice encasing his heart had shifted somehow and were breaking loose.

“I’m not sure. But something,” he said.

She looked to where Frank was pointing out various graves in his family plot, telling Gracie about each person’s life.

Watching them, Josie made an offhand gesture. “You know, I’ve been so alone at times that I’ve often felt like I was in the middle of an ocean and had crossed halfway, but I still had half an ocean to go before I could make it to shore. And there I was, drowning. As though my face was covered with water and all I had was a straw to breathe through.”

She turned and faced him, her eyes filled with conviction. “And then I came home to visit Gramps. And you and Gracie were here. You’ve helped Gramps and me when we needed you most. You’ve been our friend. I’m so sorry for your loss, Clint. But I have to tell you that you have friends here, too. You’re not alone. And maybe it’s time you cut yourself some slack and let go of the guilt. I have so many faults of my own, so I’m not in a position to judge. But I have learned that life is short, and wallowing in guilt isn’t the way God wants us to live our lives.”

He stared, stunned right down to his toes, and unable to say a word. His first instinct was to tell Josie to mind her own business. That she had no right to say such things to him. But then he realized she was right. She’d spoken the truth. And that softened him as nothing else could.

“You got your faith back,” he said.

She lifted one shoulder. “Yes, thanks to you.”

“Me?”

“You encouraged me to pray. It’s a work in progress, but I’ve also been searching the scriptures and trying to give God a second chance. And then I discovered that He never really left me. It was me that left Him. But now I want to come back.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

She turned and waved to get Frank’s attention. “Gramps! I’m cold. I’m going to wait in the truck.”

He nodded, and Josie glanced at Clint. “See you later.”

“Yeah, later.” He stood there, still amazed by what she’d said.

Frank slogged through the snow toward Clint. The two men greeted one another, but Clint felt like a wooden soldier just going through the motions.

“See you tomorrow,” Frank said as he passed by on his way to join Josie.

“Yeah.” Clint stared after the man, his mind broiling in confusion. At this point, he didn’t know what to think. Or feel. Or say.

Tomorrow was Sunday. Church. No doubt Frank and Josie would be there. And as Clint walked over to join his daughter, he couldn’t decide if that made him happy or sad.