“SO THIS WHOLE TIME I’ve been pursued by Dilbert with a tan? Well, now I know why all the attempts on my life failed.”
Okay, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to insult the person who currently had a gun trained on yours truly, but Sanjay had started it. He’d made fun of my driving, and now he wanted me dead.
His hand tightened on the gun. “You are the embodiment of evil and must be destroyed.”
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. No wonder I had a relatively calm week. You were in Seattle.”
Sanjay’s eyes—already gleaming with fanaticism—took on an even more fervent flash. “After I dispose of you, I will remove the second most evil person on Earth—Bill Gates. And my software program to rival Windows will finally stand a chance.”
The dude was seriously wacked.
Well not about Bill Gates—most Americans probably found him to be a wee bit evil—but definitely about me.
“Why are you after me? I don’t get it.” In movies the hero usually kept the villain talking as long as possible. Seemed like a plan to me, until I thought of something else. “You’re Hindu, and Kali is a revered Hindu goddess.”
There was a soft thump, and an orange cat with white paws curled up on the hood of my car and stared at us with interest.
Sanjay didn’t seem to notice our four-legged observer, too preoccupied, as he was, with thoughts of eradicating my existence. “The gods created Kali to destroy the Demon King, but she became far worse than any monster she slaughtered. Kali feeds on death. She was reborn, not to save the world, but to destroy it.”
For a Hindu, I could not believe how off the mark Sanjay was. Then again, that was sort of the definition of fanatic, wasn’t it? I had heard of a cult in Calcutta that supposedly conducted human sacrifices in the name of Kali—a problem I’d definitely have to address—but that was like blaming Jesus Christ for the Spanish Inquisition.
I looked over at the cat. I wondered if my powers extended to communicating with animals? I stared, willing the creature to leap onto Sanjay’s face and claw his eyes out. Instead it began licking its paw.
Fine. So I couldn’t count on a feline sidekick.
“But why come after me now, Sanjay? You were trailing me for days before Ram arrived from India. Why not take me out then?”
Sanjay shrugged. “I had to make sure you were the one. And frankly, I had my doubts until the end.”
“But why—”
“Enough!” he shouted. “Tonight it ends. Your death will restore the balance of the world.”
Ram and Sanjay kept throwing that phrase “balance of the world” around, and I still didn’t get what it meant.
“Sanjay, listen,” I began.
“I am only the first step,” he said. “You will be punished well into your next life. The karmic wheel of justice shall see to that.”
“Punished how? Am I gonna come back looking like you?”
“Here kitty, kitty.”
Sanjay and I both turned to see an old woman in fuzzy slippers and matching robe, step out onto the porch. “Here kitty, Jeff kitty.” She spotted us and stared suspiciously.
Two brown people in an upper-middle-class neighborhood will do that.
“Who’s there?” she called out.
I used that moment to call the Goddess Within.
Lightning flared against the sky.
Gun raised, Sanjay whipped around to face me.
With its fur standing on end, the cat rose on all fours, hissed, and sped away.
Sanjay started, distracted by the cat. I lunged and kicked him in the face. Not too difficult since he was only a couple inches taller than I.
He screamed and fell back, dropping the gun and clutching his nose.
The leg weights were paying off.
I picked up the gun. I’d dispose of it in the nearest body of water. I was chucking guns into the ocean on a regular basis. If malevolence didn’t get me, the EPA surely would.
The old lady was peering from her porch. “What’s going on? I’m calling the police.” She hurried back into the house.
Sanjay jumped up, hand still pressed to his bloodied nose—I was betting I’d broken it—and took off running, darting between two houses and disappearing into the shadows.
I debated my options.
I could go after Sanjay or get the hell out before the police arrived.
I elected to do the latter.
As I opened the door of my car, I heard a soft meow. Jeff the cat was sitting on the grass watching me. His golden eyes caught the light.
He looked distinctly unimpressed.
Sanjay’s apartment smelled like IKEA.
Ram sat silently as I poured out my tale. When I reached the end, he stood and excused himself.
He went into the bedroom and returned carrying a small beaten satchel. “Naturally I choose no longer to cohabit with malevolence.”
Naturally.
I was about to get us both out of there when a thought struck me with all the force of Fat Albert. “Ram, why didn’t my Malevolent Meter ever go off around Sanjay? Like that first night at the Holiday Inn and all the other times when he wasn’t trying to exterminate me?”
“The first night we met you were not open to the Goddess Within,” Ram replied. “And later Sanjay knew of your abilities. He guarded his thoughts and emotions carefully around you. As a very young man he spent months with the ascetics in the hills. He is able to control his body and mind to a stunning degree. What more Sanjay learned, he has always kept to himself.”
I resisted the urge to stamp my foot. “What is up with all these loopholes? Sanjay can walk around in some sort of zombie state, and I won’t know a thing until he’s about to strike?”
“There is no reason for you not to be completely aware of Sanjay at all times.”
“Oh.” I felt the relief slide over me. “So how exactly…” My voice trailed off as I recognized what Ram truly meant. “Don’t give me that again! I don’t know what would have happened tonight if that batty old lady hadn’t come out looking for her cat. Next time Sanjay will probably just shoot me in the back of the head. I don’t have time to seek enlightenment!”
Ram’s face took on a look of supreme patience. “Now more than ever you must believe these—loopholes as you say—are only in your mind. You must break through the mental barriers you have constructed.”
I was trying, honestly I was, but apparently I needed to hurry.
“Therapy under pressure. I get it.” Opening the front door, I gestured for Ram to precede me. “Let’s get the hell out of here. I’ll check you into a hotel.”
Ram swept by me with a swish of his orange robe. “A hotel is unnecessary. I will stay with you.”
I blanched. “I don’t know, Ram. My parents…”
“It will be fine,” he said.
End of discussion.
I shut the door behind me with a bang.
Ram, my parents, and me, all under one roof.
Sure.
It’d be fun.
A curry-scented breeze.
Not.