Malik
I shove a new magazine into the Desert Eagle .44 Magnum, extend my arms, and sight the target, which is thirty feet away. Squeezing off eight fluid shots, I relish the feel of having a gun back in my hand. It’s beyond cool Jameson has its own indoor firing range on the third floor of the building.
The walls and floors are reinforced concrete—not only for bullet protection, but also for noise cancellation so it doesn’t impinge on the other floors.
After I flip the button to bring the target back, I pull my ear protectors off.
Not bad. Cluster shot of four to the chest, four to the head.
Surprising, since my hands haven’t felt very steady today.
I’d like to say what has my nerves all jammed up is from finally telling Anna the truth last night, but it was really the last kiss we’d shared. It was when I knew the bond we had definitely transcended more than friendship, and it was firmly in the category of sexual attraction.
Of course, it’s made worse by the fact I’ve told her the truth, so now there’s a divide between us I doubt can ever be bridged, not only from paving a way for us to perhaps explore this attraction, but from even being able to have a friendship. And as much as I want Anna—which I can now fully admit—her friendship is what’s really important.
“Not bad,” I hear from behind me. I pivot around to find Kynan standing there.
“Ready to get back in the field,” I assure him.
“Hmm,” is all he replies with.
“My weight is almost back to normal, and I’m close to hitting my former PRs in the gym.”
Kynan considers this with a nod. “Physically, it does seem you’re there.”
It left the unspoken floating out there—outside of the physical, am I ready?
“Sessions with Corinne have been good,” I say with a firm lift of my chin. “I’ve not held a single thing back from her. She’ll corroborate that.”
“Talked about what happened with Jimmy and Sal?” he asks, eyes narrowing slightly.
“I have,” I affirm.
“It’s more than just talking about what happened,” he says with a pointed look. “It’s about really understanding what happened.”
My chest burns as I reply slowly, “I understand.”
“Do you?” he challenges me.
“Of course I do.”
Kynan moves in a step closer. “Then why is it still holding you back?”
My frown is instantaneous and deep. “What do you mean? Since I’ve been back, my work has been impeccable.”
“I’m not talking about your work,” Kynan replies with a dismissive wave of his hand. “I’m talking about you still believing deep in here—” he taps the center of my chest, “—that you did something wrong. That you somehow got Jimmy and Sal killed.”
“I thought my conversations with Corinne were confidential,” I snarl, feeling immensely betrayed.
“They are,” Kynan replies with a soft voice. “But Anna came to see me just a bit ago, wanting to know about what happened to Jimmy. It appears you told her that it was your fault.”
Well, shit. That means he must have some inkling that there’s something going on between Anna and me, and I sure as shit don’t want to get her in trouble. “We’re just friends—”
“Yeah, yeah,” Kynan cuts me off. “Could see that with my own eyes, but clearly there’s the potential for more—”
“I would never take advantage of her,” I assure him quickly.
At this, Kynan jerks his chin in, blinking in confusion. “I don’t think that.”
“Whatever you think this is,” I rush on to take Anna out of the line of fire, “she has nothing to do with it. It’s all on me.”
Kynan appears slightly amused. He actually leans against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest. “You don’t say?”
“That’s right. We’re friends, and we sort of share a bond because of Syria. I’m attracted to her, and I kissed her. She never once—”
“Let me stop you right there, buddy,” Kynan drawls, holding up a hand. “I think it’s precious you’re trying to protect Anna and all, but she’s a big girl and she has already laid it all out to me. I know this is very much a two-way street.”
“I’ll tender my resignation,” I offer quickly, now thinking he’s here because a relationship between Anna and me is prohibited. “Anna is blameless.”
“Jesus Christ,” Kynan growls, pushing off the wall and getting in my face. “I don’t care if you and Anna date each other. What I do care about is you telling her things that aren’t truthful.”
“Excuse me?” I ask, tilting my head.
“You have it in your head that you did something wrong during the ambush, but you didn’t. I get you’ve talked to Corinne and told her what happened, and I get you’ve told the same to Anna. But when you are using words—stating it’s your fault they died—well, that’s just not the truth. You protected the men to your front who were under a direct threat. They were as much a part of your team as Jimmy and Sal were. If I’d been in your shoes, I would have done the same thing. Anyone else from Jameson who’d been in your shoes would have done the same thing, too. So quit fucking thinking Jimmy and Sal are dead because of you. It’s simply not true. And if I hear one more word about it, I’m going to fucking fire you. Accept we lost two good men, but it was not your fault. Move on from it. Move forward with Anna. But figure this shit out, Malik, or else you’re never getting off desk duty. Are we clear?”
I’m frozen in shock over his words. Clearly, this has hit a nerve with Kynan, and I’m a bit confused as to why. Is my perception that far off?
“But they were unprotected,” I hesitantly point out.
“As were you,” he says, this time in a gentler tone. “As were the Brits. The Aussies. Tank Richardson. Everyone was unprotected, and you handled the biggest and most immediate threat. Your actions saved countless lives. It fucking sucks we lost two others, but we cannot expect things to work out perfectly in these scenarios. If anything, I could go one further and say Jimmy and Sal should have been doing recon on their rear to assess the danger—or one should have been watching their fronts while the other watched their backs—but I’m not going there because they are dead. You are not, though. Get the blame out of your head, so you can start living life again, okay?”
“Um… okay,” I reply hesitantly, but I’m not even sure what that means. Just because Kynan tells me not to feel guilty doesn’t mean it will just stop. Any soldier who comes back alive from conflict always carries some guilt for those who died.
“I’m leaving this up to Corinne to work out with you further,” Kynan continues. I can’t help my grimace. “I get you’re hearing what I’m saying right now, but I need to believe that you believe you did nothing wrong. I’ll need her assurances on that.”
“Roger,” I mutter, displeased I’m physically ready to do fieldwork, but I’m being held back instead.
“And for God’s sake,” Kynan says in exasperation. “Work this shit out with Anna. That woman likes you, and she’s been through enough misery. Don’t draw it out for her. If you’re on board, make your move. If not, let her go.”
“Got it.” The words are thick and stick to my tongue, because the thought of moving on without her causes my mouth to go dry.
“Good man,” Kynan replies, clapping me on the shoulder. He pivots on his heel and leaves.
♦
I stay on the firing range for another twenty minutes, not needing to improve my aim but mainly to think about what Kynan said. Logically, I can accept what he’s saying about the circumstances. Frankly, I’ll get to where he wants me to be the more I’m able to analyze it in normal circumstances.
But becoming friends with Anna and falling for her aren’t normal circumstances. I’m beginning to think maybe I’m using what happened in Syria as a means to keep Anna at arm’s length because I’m scared at how deep things have gotten so quickly.
Of course, that’s all supposition, which could probably be sorted out with a session or two with Corinne.
I head to my apartment on the fourth floor, intent on grabbing a bagel before hitting work. While Kynan may not have me in the field, he at least has me working with Ladd on planning out an operation for the New York job I had gone with him to scope out. I need to figure out a time to talk with Anna, though, because he’s right about one thing… I can’t leave her hanging.
The only problem is that I still don’t know what to do about her. I know my heart and body are saying go for it. Take Kynan’s words as solid truth—it’s not my fault her husband died—and let’s see where it goes. But my head keeps fucking things up by throwing insecurity and doubts into the fold, reminding me this is all too fucking complicated and we both could end up getting hurt.
I’m ready to risk a little pain on my part, but it would kill me if I hurt Anna somehow, even if inadvertently. Do I really want to draw her into my fucked-up complicated mess of a life right now?
I resolve to find her later to set up a time we can talk about this some more.
Pulling my keys out of my pocket, I unlock the front door and let myself in. I drop the keys on the counter as I cut right into the kitchen and reach for the refrigerator door. At the same time, I catch movement from the corner of my eye just inside my bedroom. I’m stunned to see Anna there.
She’s turned halfway, but her head is cocked as she stares at my bed.
“Anna?” I ask, trying to get her full attention.
There’s a guilty flush on her face as she slowly turns my way. “Hey.”
Ignoring the fridge, I move through the kitchen into my bedroom. “What are you doing in here? For that matter… how did you get in here?”
Not that I care she’s in here. She’s welcome in my place any time, whether I’m here or not. But my front door was locked.
She flushes again, a deep red staining her cheeks as she holds up a set of keys she has in her hands. “I have the master keys to the apartments. As Kynan’s assistant, I’m often the one who has to let people in and out for things that need to be fixed or updated.”
“That explains the how,” I reply, tilting my head. “But why?”
Glancing back at the bed, she blurts out, “I want to have sex with you.”
I’m so stunned I actually retreat two steps away from her. “What?”
Anna shakes her head, her beautiful hair flying. “No, wait. That didn’t come out right. I mean… yes, I want to have sex with you. But first, I talked to Kynan about what happened in Syria, and he explained how it all actually happened. And what you did wasn’t wrong. It was very right. You saved lives. Jimmy and Sal were horrible casualties of war, but it wasn’t your fault. And well… I just… I want you, Malik. All of you, so I stupidly thought I would come here and talk about it. But then I thought… no, he’ll be stubborn and stoic and will probably still blame himself, then he’ll take the higher road and refuse me. So, then I thought some more and figured… I’ll just get him in bed. Let nature take its course. I’d convince you in all the good ways that I don’t blame you. So I got this idea… I’d come here, get naked, and wait for you in your bed. Except… well…”
“You changed your mind?” I guess.
“Not about the sex part,” she replies confidently, which makes my head spin. “But about the getting naked and waiting in bed part. You see… I have a bit of a problem and it’s a little embarrassing.”
I’m so confused right now. I have no idea where she’s going with any of this. Still, I feel I must say, “You can tell me anything. You shouldn’t be embarrassed.”
“Yes, well… I’m going to have to tell you this. Because you see… I’m still breastfeeding. And, well, that produces certain things with my breasts that might become awkward.”
I just stare, my face feeling as blank as the inside of my head, because I don’t know what she means.
“I leak,” she mutters, averting her eyes to the side.
“You leak?” I repeat, still thick-headed and not understanding.
“I leak milk,” she clarifies. “I mean, not always. But I might. And it can happen if I get, you know… excited. That’s not to say I have had sex since having Avery, because I haven’t. But I’ve… you know… taken care of myself, and well, my breasts sometimes participate, and there’s no guarantee it will happen, but it could. Well, probably not right now as I just pumped not fifteen minutes ago, so it’s probably okay.”
Well, fuck. Jesus Christ. Now I understand. As does my dick, which chooses this moment to get caught up in the story. It starts to thicken at the thought of Anna pleasuring herself.
“So… anyway,” she continues with this very long, drawn-out, and admittedly weirdly captivating story. “I realized I couldn’t get naked and wait for you in bed, because it would be best to keep a bra on with some pads on the inside, but I’m wearing a bra and set of panties that are in no way sexy at all. So that idea was ruined—”
“Anna, shut up,” I mutter, then grab her to me with one hand behind her neck.
Fuck, we have so much to talk about, but the fact she came here to have sex with me and has no qualms telling me about masturbating—and I can’t get that image out of my mind now—means I have to just kiss her.
We can talk later.