Malik
Corinne stares, tapping her pen against her notepad.
I return it, drumming my fingers on my thigh.
I’m determined this is going to be our last meeting, and I’ve just told her so. Didn’t waste any time when I entered her office for our eight o’clock Monday morning meeting, either.
“Okay,” she drawls, sweeping her hand toward me, palm up. “Why don’t you present a case to me about why I should release you today. And don’t bullshit me, Malik. I can recognize it a mile away.”
She sure as shit didn’t need to tell me that. I learned early on in our counseling relationship Corinne wasn’t going to be fooled with trumped-up proclamations I’ve seen the light and been cured of my demons.
Settling into my chair, I take a deep breath and let it out. What do I say to this woman to convince her that I’m ready to return to full duty? I close my eyes, tilt my head back so it rests against the wall behind my chair, and ponder for a moment more.
I really have come a long way over the last several weeks. Many people have given me their viewpoints, particularly on the logistics of how everything went down. Clearly, I’m the only member of the group that went to Syria who questioned my own culpability in Jimmy and Sal’s deaths. I’ve read the reports, which do nothing but praise my efforts. I’ve had Jimmy’s wife tell me herself that she doesn’t place a single ounce of blame on me.
More importantly, Corinne and I have spent a lot of time talking about my feelings for Anna and how we have let things progress, despite my still-as-of-yet unconquered concerns over the bro-code violations.
And yet, when I open my eyes and let them land on Corinne, all I can say with any certainty is, “I’m not sure I’ll ever be one-hundred percent convinced there wasn’t something more I could have done to save Jimmy and Sal.”
While it feels like an admission of defeat to say that, something about my statement causes Corinne to straighten in her chair before leaning forward slightly, as if eager to hear more. “Go on,” she encourages.
“Guilt is something I have to battle on my own,” I say, the words coming out methodically as my gut sort of takes over. “And no matter how many people tell me that my perception of things is skewed, it’s something I have to continue to ponder and figure out on my own. I think what I have accepted is it might never go away.”
“And you want to be released?” she queries with a raised eyebrow, but I can tell she thinks I have more to offer in the way of explanation.
“What I think,” I continue, feeling more confident in my analysis, “is I’ve moved on. I have accepted that bad things happen to good people, and, in this situation, my training took over and my actions were appropriate for the scenario. More importantly, I’m moving on with a woman who has accepted me—warts and all—and she’s the one who has more to lose than anyone involved. I think the mere fact I was drawn to Anna, and she to me, and we are making a go of it, is all the proof you need I have truly let go of my demons and I’m ready for whatever life throws at me next.”
Corinne settles back into her chair, watching me with a shrewd expression. Then her eyes fall to her notepad, where she jots a few things down.
When her attention comes to me, she says, “I’m going to recommend to Kynan you immediately be returned to full-duty status. I still want to see you, though. Once a month for a check-in to see how you’re doing.”
Her eyes come to me, steely and filled with challenge. She expects me to fight her, but I won’t. I’ve come to enjoy talking to Corinne. She’s given me some good advice, especially where Anna’s concerned.
I merely incline my head. “Thank you.”
My hands go to the armrests of my chair to push out of it, but Corinne’s voice stops me. “One more thing, Malik.”
I freeze, raising an eyebrow curiously.
“The bro code is stupid. It doesn’t exist. It’s not fair or nice to keep Anna hidden away like a dirty secret because you’re afraid some of the guys might not like it. Out yourself as a couple.”
“Is that a direct order that will affect my duty status?” I ask hesitantly. Not that I’m opposed to it, but frankly, I haven’t given it a lot of thought lately. Had a lot of other things to work through.
“Not at all,” she replies with a thin smile. “I’m telling you as a woman that Anna won’t put up with it for long. You want to do something nice for your girl, then you have her on your arm proudly. Let Anna have the full experience of falling in love again.”
That hits me deep.
Is Anna falling in love with me?
Pretty sure I’m falling hard for her, and I don’t want her to ever doubt me. We’re both good communicators. We’ve talked through some majorly heavy shit. But despite it all, she’s going to judge me by my actions as well. Does the fact I’ve been shy about letting people know about us somehow convey a message that she’s not good enough? Not important enough?
Something to be ashamed of?
The thought horrifies me.
“Fuck the bro code,” I announce as I pop up out of the chair and head for the door. “I’ll hire the goddamn Goodyear blimp to blast a message.”
“That’s sweet,” Corinne says with a laugh. “But I’m pretty sure Anna’s not that high maintenance.”
I stop, turning slowly to face Corinne. “She’s not. Anna is far more appreciative of the subtle overtures.”
“You’ve really come to know her well,” Corinne murmurs with a slow blink of her eyes.
A satisfied smile plays at my lips. “I recognize so much of myself in her, how could I not?”
Inclining her head, Corinne merely says, “I’ll send you an email with a date for us to meet next month. I can’t wait to see how well you and Anna are doing at that time.”
My responding grin is all she needs to know about how I feel right now, but I still say, “Looking forward to it.”
♦
I briefly wonder if I should schedule an appointment, but my excitement to get back to normal outweighs professionalism. I tap on the door to Kynan’s office—a brief glance through the glass walls tells me he’s alone. Not necessarily interruptible as his head is bent over documents on his desk, but again… too excited not to come to his office unannounced.
His head lifts when he sees me through the glass and beckons me in with his hand. “What’s up?” he asks as I open the door.
I slide in, shut it behind me, and take a seat before his desk. “Corinne has released me to full duty.”
He seems neither surprised nor delighted by this, his face an impassive blank canvas.
“And so,” I drawl, waiting for him to come to the same conclusion I’m going to put forth. “I’m ready for an assignment.”
Kynan straightens in his chair, then immediately sinks back down into it. He puts his elbows to the armrests and steeples his fingers together in contemplation, his eyes never leaving mine. “And you believe you’re ready to get back in the thick of things?”
“I’d prefer you not coddle me on my next assignment,” I reply, not quite answering his question but putting forth my own expectations. “I need you to trust me.”
“And do you trust yourself?” he queries.
His question irritates me. It’s something Corinne would want to know as part of her assessment, but he’s the boss and I get why he’s asking.
“All I can tell you is that after a lot of reflecting, listening to you and others, and talking things out, if I were in the same exact scenario as I was in Syria, I would trust my training and my gut instincts, and I’d act in the same manner as I acted then.”
The point being, even knowing I could have probably saved Jimmy and Sal by moving to their rear and being vigilant, it wasn’t the right move and I know it now. I would have battled the clear fight in front of me as my training and instincts told me to do.
Now Kynan has to believe that.
He gives me a solid nod of acceptance and leans forward again, flipping through a stack of folders on his desk. Finding what he’s searching for, he opens it up and scans the first page. “I’m sending a group down to Ft. Bragg tomorrow. The Army is going to let us join them in some MFF training operations. I want you to go as, given your background, you’ll be a good resource for leadership.”
I struggle to not let my face break out into a wide, goofy grin because the part of me that thrives on danger, speed, and adrenaline is already chomping at the bit for this opportunity. MFF, or military free fall, is a tactic used to insert Special Forces troops into enemy territories in as covert a way as possible. It allows for aircraft to fly above the range of where surface-to-air missiles can shoot them down, but it provides added danger to the men who must jump out of said plane at extremely high and dangerous altitudes. We’ll most likely be practicing both HALO jumps—high altitude, low opening—and HAHO jumps—high altitude, high opening.
The HAHO jumps are my favorite, meaning the parachute is pulled within seconds of the jump, allowing a soldier or marine to fly silently for miles—sometimes up to thirty to forty miles—to reach an insertion point. It requires skill, solid use of GPS and terrain navigational skills, and a whole fucking lot of luck. It’s what makes it so exciting.
“We have a potential mission coming up soon that will require a free-fall insertion,” he says, and my joy at jumping out of planes plummets.
Oh, not that I’m not still excited about that—it’s just the mention of the word “mission” has me going into hyper-alert, super-focused mode. I want him to know I’m ready, willing, and able to meet whatever the demand may be.
“Some American tourists have been kidnapped in Colombia,” he says.
“The ELN?” I ask.
He nods. The Ejército de Liberación Nacional—or National Liberation Army—is known for kidnapping tourists and carting them around the jungled countryside until ransom is paid. “Some rich banker out of Dallas and his family wanted a thrilling jungle adventure for their vacation. Well… they got it.”
“When do you think this will go down?” I ask, because there doesn’t seem to be a rush seeing as how he wants to send me on a free-fall training operation.
“These guerilla groups know how to extract the most out of their ransom demands,” Kynan says with a wry smile. “They’ll cart that family around the jungle for a few weeks, keeping contact to a minimum so as to cultivate the paying members’ desire to throw as much money as possible at them in desperation. It’s a supreme negotiating tactic.”
Kynan continues, explaining the situation more. Right now, the family is working with a contract negotiator, choosing not to involve our government or police forces as the kidnappers most often demand. The negotiator will work back and forth with the guerillas, coming up with an amount that is acceptable, then the ransom will be paid. We’ll be hired to go in as security to make sure the exchange is carried out as promised and the family remains safe. As a contingency, we’ll be at the ready to use force to rescue the hostages if for some reason the ransom exchange is compromised.
“And you’re going to let me go on this mission?” I ask.
“You said not to coddle you,” Kynan replies dryly.
“True,” I admit, my eyes locked on him.
“Cage is going to head up the mission,” Kynan says, pulling a document out of the folder he’d been studying when I came in. “You’ll be second in command. Here’s the summary report on what we know so far. More information will be updated as we get it and emailed to you. Even though I’m sending you guys down to Ft. Bragg to get some practice jumps in, you need to be at the ready to move at a moment’s notice.”
“Understood,” I say with a nod.
“It could mean you spend Christmas in the Colombian jungles,” Kynan drawls, a last-ditch effort to make sure I’m committed. “Sure you wouldn’t rather have that time to spend with your family?”
My eyes have already dropped down to the document he’d handed me. I shake my head as I start to read. “I’m good.”
“Sure you wouldn’t rather stay here with Anna?” he presses. “Nothing better than cuddling with your girl around a lit Christmas tree.”
That gets my attention, as his words penetrate and the words on the page are forgotten. I glance up to find Kynan watching me like a hawk.
Well, fuck yeah, I’d like to spend Christmas with Anna. It’s a magical time and, well, I could use more of that in my life after what I’ve been through. But I just committed myself to Kynan and this mission, and I most certainly can’t let him think I’m not ready to get back in the thick of things.
“I want in on this mission,” I say flatly. “There will be other Christmases.”
I’m not sure what kind of reaction I expect from Kynan, but I swear it’s a bit of disappointment I spot in his return stare.
I brush it off. I don’t have time to pander to his sense of romanticism with Anna and me. We’re making it work because we have excellent communication skills and well… we just get each other. I know more than anything Anna will understand above all others how important it is for me to get back out there and prove myself to my teammates.
Also, to prove myself to, well… myself.