Malik
I have to admit I haven’t felt this wholly good in a long damn time. It’s certainly been returning to me in pieces… a feeling life could potentially be good again.
Starting with my rescue in the cold desert night, to being reunited with my family, to the simple pleasures of eating good food.
Being back at Jameson, and, of course, to meeting Anna.
Getting to know Anna.
Bonding with Anna.
Being with Anna.
All steps along the way to healing and taking back control.
It seems as if the last piece of the puzzle has been put back into place, a complexly shaped piece where all the edges had to align just perfectly to pop in. But when Kynan accepted I was ready to go back on full duty—when he essentially says he trusts me with the lives of the team again—then that was the final pivotal moment where Malik Fournier could say he had his life back in its entirety.
It’s with this amazing feeling of accomplishment I make my way down from the fourth floor to the second with the intention of seeing Anna. After my meeting with Corinne this morning, then Kynan, I hit the gym for a hard workout followed by a quick shower. I had considered getting packed up for the training excursion to Ft. Bragg tomorrow, but figured I’d have time to do that later.
For now, I just want to see Anna to tell her the good news. That I’ve been released by Corinne and Kynan has me back on the team roster with the big boys.
After I jog down the floating staircase, I jump the last two steps to reach the second floor. I turn left, my gaze immediately landing on Anna through the glass wall of her small office. Cage is in there, sitting in her chair, and it looks like they’re having an involved discussion. He shrugs as he stands from the chair, which means whatever they’re talking about is probably wrapping up.
I head that way, Anna’s eyes moving past Cage to me as I approach. She smiles—short and wan—which means Cage has probably worn her out with some long-winded and highly ridiculous travesties he has going on with his girlfriend.
Pushing the glass door open, Cage cranes his neck my way. I give him a chin lift, and he smiles back.
Feeling so damn good with how my morning has gone down, I don’t care there’s an audience of one in Anna’s office. I move past Cage, around her desk, and bro code be fucking damned, I lean toward her. One hand behind her neck, I hold her still and bestow upon her one righteously hot kiss.
Anna gives a soft gasp of surprise. When I pull away, I look toward Cage in defiance. I dare him to say something to me about it.
Instead, he just regards me impassively.
I straighten, look to Anna, back to Cage, then to Anna once again.
“I told Cage about us,” she murmurs guiltily.
“No worries.” The easygoing tone has her eyes narrowing slightly. Giving my attention to Cage, I ask, “How was Vegas?”
Cage flushes, which is a bit weird.
Anna says, “Cage got married to Jaime.”
I do a double-take, my jaw dropping. “You did?”
He nods and I find myself smiling broadly, sticking my hand out for him to shake.
Cage takes it, looking like he just swallowed something nasty and bitter. I frown in confusion, glancing back at Anna to try to figure out why he’d look so put out.
Anna nods her head at Cage, her lips pressed flat. “Genius there still hasn’t told Jaime the truth about what he does for a living.”
My mouth hangs open as I swivel my head his way. “She still doesn’t know? And you got married?”
“Stop with the recriminations,” Cage retorts. “I already got an earful from your girlfriend there.”
Yes, it pleases me to hear Anna referred to in that way. I stand duly chastised though and offer Cage an apologetic incline of my head. “Sorry, dude. I assume Anna has already managed to read you the riot act about telling her the truth as soon as possible.”
“Yeah, and I’m going to do it as soon as I can get some downtime with her. Leaving tomorrow for Ft. Bragg doesn’t make that an ideal time right now.”
“Agreed,” I say, then immediately take off on a tangent. “So, who else is going with us tomorrow?”
I can’t contain the excitement of getting back in the saddle again, and nothing says a rousing good time like free-falling out of a plane. For an adrenaline junkie like me, being a recon marine satisfied so much of my soul. During my active-duty time, I’d trained in all kinds of jumps, including HALO, HAHO, and static line. I did water and scuba training, high-speed driving, and, of course, the ever-dreaded but no-less-bad-ass SERE school where they teach survival, evasion, resistance, and escape techniques.
“Ladd McDermott… he’s former CIA but was an Army ranger before that, so he’s done all this stuff before. And Jackson Gale. He’s former Navy SEAL like me. And Bodie Wright from the Vegas office is going to join us, too.”
“I haven’t met Bodie yet,” I say, although I’ve met his wife, Rachel, who runs the Vegas branch of Jameson.
“Super cool dude,” Cage replies. “Oh, and Kynan might come with. There’s no bigger adrenaline junkie than him. That fucker once jumped off Angel Falls in a wingsuit.”
“No shit?” I ask, seriously impressed. As much as I love the feeling of free-falling, that’s a level of crazy I don’t ever intend to pursue.
“Hey,” Anna says from behind her desk, and we turn to face her. “I have a ton of work to do, so why don’t you two let a girl have some peace?”
I scrutinize her beauty. She has a genial smile on her face, seeming to legit want to get to work. This I can understand now that I’m allowed back in the thick of things.
“Okay,” I reply, moving back to her side. I bend to give her a soft kiss. Pulling back just slightly, I ask, “Can I come over tonight? I’ll pick up some takeout.”
She smiles with a nod. “Sounds great. I’ll be home with Avery around six-thirty.”
“Awesome. See you then.” Another brush of my lips across hers, then Cage and I are heading out of her office. When we clear her door, I gaze back over my shoulder at Anna, but her head is already bent over some documents on her desk and I’m apparently forgotten.
I follow Cage out among the pit desks, intent to follow him to his desk so we can talk more about our trip to Ft. Bragg tomorrow. Then I’ll head to the desk that had been assigned to me to read up on the situation down in Colombia.
But Anna’s voice stops me in my tracks as she calls my name. I turn to see her standing in the doorway to her office, one hand on the jamb. “Got a minute to talk?”
I jerk slightly in surprise at her expression. She looks… distressed.
Without a thought, I pivot on my heel and walk away from Cage and our discussion. “Sure,” I say.
As I approach her, she drops her gaze and moves into her office. I follow her in, letting the door shut behind me.
She doesn’t take a seat behind her desk. Instead, she turns to regard me with one arm crossed over her stomach, the other hand hovering around her throat. “Listen… about your trip to Ft. Bragg…”
“Yeah,” I cut in, throwing a thumb back at where Cage is probably sitting at his desk by now. “Sorry… got really excited about that. I didn’t even think to tell you about it, but when he started talking about the trip and you didn’t seem surprised, I just started prattling.”
She shakes her head, waving her hand. “Yeah… no… I knew about it. Wasn’t surprised.”
“Good,” I blurt out, unable to contain my excitement. “Because I’m really pumped about going. About training again. And well, I was going to talk to you about it tonight, but Corinne and Kynan have released me back to full duty.”
“That’s really awesome,” she says. While her eyes are shining with pride, her voice seems a bit reluctant.
I’m wondering if she’s just not getting the importance of this to me. I try to explain. “It means that not only have I accepted the way things turned out were not my fault, but also that Kynan has trust in me to get back out there again.”
“Yes, I totally get that,” she rushes to assure me, reaching out to take my hands. “And that is more important to me than you’ll ever know.”
“Then why do I get the distinct impression you’re really not all that happy about it?” I ask hesitantly.
Her gaze falls away a moment, down to her desk. She nibbles on her lower lip. It’s the classic sign for wanting to say something, but not quite sure how to.
“Anna,” I say, putting my hand under her chin to force her attention back to me. “You can tell me anything. Talk to me about anything. You know I respect every fucking word that comes out of your mouth, and you’ll never get judgment from me.”
I hate I have to even say that, because she knows it’s true. Especially since she’s given me the same tenfold.
Resolve fills her eyes as she nods. “You might be going to Colombia after the trip to Ft. Bragg.”
I sigh, finally feeling the true depth of her angst and from where it’s actually coming. “Yeah… I was going to talk to you about that tonight as well. I knew it would cause you some worry.”
“Some worry?” she repeats, a question that has enough bite to it that I can tell I’ve minimized her feelings without intending to. Before I can rush to validate, she grits out, “I would say I might have a bit more than just some worry.”
“Of course, you would—”
“I don’t want you to go,” she says resolutely, lifting her chin in the air and crossing her arms over her chest. “I don’t want you doing this type of dangerous work.”
I’m stunned at the finality in her words, as well as the notion she’d dare even levy them my way. I get her being scared. I get her wanting to talk about it. I get that she’ll need reassurance and a bit of faith in me.
But an outright denial?
I try to choose my words carefully. “Anna… I took this job with Jameson for exactly this type of work. I was done with military life and wanted some autonomy back, but I still wanted to make a real difference. You knew this about me from the start. We talked specifically about it one night.”
She nods, sadness filling her eyes. “I know. I understand that about you, but I’m not sure I fully understood it until just now.”
I move into her, putting my hands to her face and tilting her head back a bit to see her. “What do you mean?”
“When you and I started hanging out… talking… getting close. And later, when I started having feelings, and you reciprocated… I knew this is the type of work you wanted to do. But I don’t think it really impacted me about what that meant, because back then, you were on desk duty. We were in this protective little bubble where you were safe and I was probably being naïve. But now you’ve been cleared, you’re going on a training mission, and you have been placed on a team to rescue hostages in Colombia. And well, the last time you went on such a mission, people died. You almost died, and well…”
Her words trail off and she pulls out of my grasp, turning her back on me.
“Now it’s real and terrifying,” I finish her last thought for her.
Anna’s shoulders hunch forward. She shakes her head, her entire posture and demeanor saying she’s ashamed of herself for feeling this way. “I’m sorry.”
I move in close to her again, my hands going to her shoulders. Leaning in, I place a kiss to the back of her head. “This is a lot to take in. You’re asking me to give up something I have a passion for. Asking me to change who I am.”
Anna turns, dislodging my hands from her shoulders. Her head tips back as she looks at me with beautifully solemn but resolved eyes. “I’m not asking you to give it up. I’m just saying I don’t think I can be with someone who does this type of work. And I want you to be happy, to be able to pursue your passion always.”
A strangling sensation overwhelms me as if I can’t breathe. It’s one thing for her to say, “I don’t want you to go,” and then perhaps we can talk this through some more.
But for her to say she doesn’t think she can be with someone who does this type of work is a whole other type of resolution.
Before I can reply, she adds, “I lost a husband to this job, and it devastated me. And now I’ve fallen for you, and the risk is very real and near again. I just need you to know… my heart can’t take another loss like that. I can’t go through it again. And I see how you are with Avery, and I know where this is going between you and me. We’re creating a family, and I certainly don’t want to let her lose another dad.”
Fuck do those words hurt. Because she’s right. Anna and I are moving right toward creating a new family together, and Avery will be mine.
I could ask for clarification on exactly what she means. Hope I can nitpick her feelings and argue with her in what I know would be a futile attempt to bring her around. I could demand she be braver for me, but what a fucking douche thing that would be, giving she lost her husband to this type of work already.
In the end, I can’t think of one thing I could possibly say to bring her around to giving me—giving us—a chance this way.
“I have to think about this,” I finally say.
She nods with a grateful smile. “I actually appreciate that, Malik. I mean… I don’t want to put any pressure on you. I want you to be happy, but I want me to be happy too. It’s just… despite how perfectly we’ve come together, I think we have one imperfection between us that is our doom.”
Fuck, I hate her saying that.
Hate the fucking truth of it.
And I also love her for being honest about it. If I ever wanted proof of why we are perfect together, it’s because of the transparency we’ve always had between us.
Still… it doesn’t mean we’re supposed to be together.