Rachel paced her apartment restlessly. Normally she loved a day off midweek. It was unexpected and she always felt so decadent sleeping in when she would normally be rushing around to get ready. But despite the time off work, today she felt out of sorts and jumpy. She couldn’t settle in to any one task. It was time to do some serious pruning on her plants and even that didn’t excite her.
It was all because she hadn’t talked to Carter in nearly a week, she thought grimly. She’d picked up the phone about fifty times, but hadn’t made the call. Partly because she wanted him to come to her and partly because she didn’t know what to say.
He’d been wrong about her. Totally and completely wrong. Absolutely wrong and maybe just a little right.
She stalked out onto her back balcony and started plucking off dead flowers. “So I don’t embrace the world with open arms,” she muttered. “He does that enough for any five people. I care. I have friends. I know how to love. I…”
Love. Somehow the word got stuck in her brain. She believed in love. She desperately wanted to be in love. She wanted to feel safe and cared for and as if she finally belonged. She wanted to be home.
But the thought of loving and being loved and depending on that love terrified her. Loving meant losing and that was so not for her.
Rachel straightened. What did that mean? That she was letting fear rule her life?
“Of course not,” she muttered. “I’m being careful and sensible, which does not define Carter.”
He was all things wild, which made him exciting in bed, but what about in the real world? Did she want that kind of uncertainty every day? She still believed he’d set her up—establishing ground rules and then punishing her for following them. But if they were both wrong then neither of them could be right. She really hated that.
With her plants plucked, she returned to her apartment and glanced at the to-do list she’d prepared for herself. Nothing sounded very exciting, but folding laundry was a must. She cleared the coffee table, dumped everything on the sofa, then flipped on the TV to keep her company.
But instead of a morning talk show, she found herself staring at a helicopter shot of a street. A familiar street.
“This is live coverage of a standoff in Riverside. The police spokesman tells us that their raid on a motorcycle repair shop went bad when suspects opened fire. Two people have been shot, although they are still trapped inside. Until suspects release them, they will be unable to receive medical attention.”
The reporter kept talking, but Rachel wasn’t listening. She recognized the building in the center of the television as the one where Carter was working. Which meant he was inside. Had they found out he was an undercover cop?
Panic gripped her. Panic and fear. She lunged for the phone and started to dial his cell only to hang up mid-number. She couldn’t phone him. She had no idea what was happening. If the phone rang at the wrong time, it could get him killed.
Now what? Her thoughts whirled frantically. Her chest hurt and she had trouble breathing. Now what?
Not knowing what else to do, she grabbed her purse and her car keys, then hurried downstairs. Fifteen minutes later, she pulled up in front of Carter’s mother’s house. After the fight she’d had with Carter, she wasn’t sure how she would be welcomed.
Shelly answered her knock.
“I was worried,” Rachel said by way of explanation.
“Of course you were. We all are.”
“Is it okay that I’m here?”
Shelly smiled. “You’re family, Rachel. Where else would you go?”
Some of the fear was replaced by relief. Until that moment, she hadn’t realized how much she’d been worried about everyone hating her for arguing with Carter. But based on Shelly’s reaction, she wondered if they even knew there’d been a falling out.
But if their plan had been to pretend date and then have a pretend fight for the sake of his relatives, why hadn’t he told them about the real disagreement?
Shelly ushered her into the family room at the back of the house. Nina was sitting on the sofa with Liz and Merry on either side of her. The TV was on the same channel as Rachel’s had been. When the older woman saw her, she stood and embraced her.
“We talked about calling you,” Nina said as she clutched Rachel’s arms. “I thought you’d be at work. You’re not teaching today?”
Rachel shook her head. “No. It’s one of those weird holidays where only schools close. When I saw what had happened, I didn’t know what to do, so I came here. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Of course not,” Merry said, scooting over to make room on the couch. “We’re all worried. Of course Carter is going to be all right, but until we know for sure…”
Her voice trailed off. Rachel understood. She felt exactly the same way. Of course Carter was fine. How could he be anything but? Still, until she knew for sure, it was difficult to think about anything else.
Liz jumped to her feet. “I’m going to get something to drink. Is there coffee, Mama? Should I make a pot?”
“You can make some more,” Nina told her. “Rachel, I have herbal tea. Would you like that? To soothe you?”
Rachel didn’t think tea would help, but she sensed Liz wanted to be doing something. “That would be nice. Thank you.”
“I’ll help,” Shelly said and joined her sister in the kitchen.
Merry clutched her mother’s hand. “I can’t stand this,” she whispered. “The only thing worse than Carter being there would be Adam inside, too.”
“Until we know better, we assume the best,” Nina said firmly, even as she stroked her daughter’s short, dark hair. “Carter knows what he’s doing. He’s smart and capable. He’s good at his job. How many people are in the building? Ten? Twenty? He’s not one of the ones who was shot. You’ll see. And if he is, he’s strong. He’ll pull through. He has Rachel and the baby to live for.”
Nina held out her free hand and Rachel took it. As their fingers clutched tightly, she felt both the older woman’s emotional strength and her own guilt.
Carter didn’t have her to live for. Even though she hadn’t intentionally kept him out of the loop with the baby, that was how he felt. So he didn’t have that, either.
She told herself that Carter was a tough guy and that she wouldn’t make or break his survival. But still, she worried.
The women sat together for several hours. The standoff continued. Rachel forced herself to nibble on a sandwich for the sake of the baby, even though every bite made her want to throw up. Nina stayed strong. Only the trembling in her fingers betrayed her worry. Merry, Liz and Shelly clung to each other and promised that Carter would be fine.
Shortly after one in the afternoon, someone shot tear gas into the building. Several police officers stormed inside and there was the sound of gunshots. Rachel’s breath caught in her throat. She couldn’t stand watching this, but not knowing was worse. Carter, she prayed desperately. Please let Carter be all right.
Twenty minutes later, the worst was over. Paramedics rushed in and three men were brought out on stretchers. The women crowded around the television, trying to see if one of them was Carter. Suddenly the phone rang.
Nina rushed to grab it.
Merry clutched Rachel’s arm. “They’ll let us know either way,” she whispered. “If he’s been hurt, his captain will call. If he’s all right, he’ll call.”
Merry’s fingers dug into Rachel’s skin, but she didn’t pull back. She waited and prayed until Nina said, “Carter, is that you?”
There was silence, then Nina sank into a chair and began to cry. She held up her hand and nodded through the tears.
“He’s fine,” she mouthed. “He’s fine.”
Rachel and Merry embraced, while Shelly and Liz did the same. Then they huddled in a heartfelt group hug as Rachel felt her tension begin to ease.
“It’s hard,” Liz told her, wiping away her own tears. “Knowing Frank risks his life every day is so hard, but I get through it. We all do. We have each other and you have us.”
Rachel touched her face and was surprised to find her cheeks damp. Apparently she’d given in to tears, too.
“We stay strong for each other,” Shelly said.
“I can see that.” Rachel’s throat was still tight, so it hurt to speak.
These women kept each other going. She envied the connection they had and how they were there for each other. She’d always wanted that.
Nina hung up the phone. “He’s fine. He had to go help with the arrests and give a statement. There will be paperwork.”
Her daughters groaned. “There’s always paperwork,” Merry said. “You get used to it.”
Nina smiled at Rachel. “You get used to all of it. Would I have liked Carter’s father to be in a less dangerous line of work? Of course. But he was who he was. I didn’t want to change him. So you pray, you keep busy, you love while you can.”
Rachel nodded. It made sense and in a perfect world, that was what would happen. But her problems with Carter weren’t about his job. They were about so much more.
“I should get going,” she said. “I’m so glad he’s fine.”
Nina hugged her. “He’s a good man, my Carter.”
“Yes, he is. One of the best.”
That much was true. Carter’s goodness wasn’t in question. Instead, she had to wonder about her feelings and his feelings and what each of them wanted and when their rules of pretend dating had suddenly changed.
Carter finished up his paperwork at about eight that night. He was exhausted, but it had been a day he’d worked hard for and it had come out right. The bad guys were in jail or the hospital, the good guys were safe and he was damn proud to be a cop.
He drove home and parked in his driveway, but instead of going inside, he crossed the street and knocked on his mother’s door. He wasn’t going to stay, but she’d insisted on seeing him that night, swearing she wouldn’t sleep until she knew for herself that he was fine.
She opened the door and instead of speaking, she just pulled him close.
He held her awkwardly, feeling how small she was and knowing he’d put her through hell that day.
“I’m fine,” he murmured.
“Of course you are. Why wouldn’t you be? You were just doing your job. Still, when the bullets go flying, a mother has a right to worry.”
“You’re good at that.”
She stepped back and smiled at him. “I’ve had practice. We all have.”
“The girls were here?”
Dumb question, he thought. Once word spread, all three of his sisters would end up here.
“And Rachel,” his mother said. “She saw the standoff live on TV and came over. I’m glad she did. A time like this, a woman needs her family around her.”
“Rachel was here?”
“Where else would she go?”
Interesting question, he thought. He’d wondered about her. But they hadn’t talked in a while and he’d figured she was still mad at him.
“She was worried,” his mother said, poking him in the chest. “And in her condition, she shouldn’t have to worry so much.”
“I know. So, um, she left?”
“After you’d called to say you were safe. You haven’t talked?”
He shook his head.
His mother pushed him out the door. “So go. Call. Be with her. She was frantic, Carter. This kind of thing is hard for all of us, but for Rachel it’s also new. Go show her you’re fine.”
“Thanks, Mama,” he said. “I love you.”
She smiled. “I love you, too. You make me very proud.”
He stepped off the porch and headed back to his place.
So Rachel had been at his mother’s. What did that mean? Had her fear been bigger than her anger? Should he call? Go by? He swore under his breath and opened his front door.
He hated not knowing what to do next, mostly because it never happened to him. He always knew. Getting involved was easy. Only this time it wasn’t. This time it was complicated in ways he couldn’t understand.
He flipped on the light by the door then came to a stop when he saw Rachel curled up on his sofa. Goldie lay at the other end, her head on Rachel’s thigh.
Rachel opened her eyes and smiled at him. “Hey. Liz showed me where you kept the spare key, so I let myself in. I fed Goldie and decided to just wait. I wanted to see if you were okay.”
“I’m fine.”
“I can see that.” She pushed herself into a sitting position and lowered her bare feet to the floor. “I thought you might call.”
“I didn’t know if you wanted to hear from me.”
Her green eyes were bright with emotion. “I did. Despite everything, I wanted to talk to you.”
Which told him what? That she’d been worried? Okay, worry was nice, but it wasn’t exactly what he was looking for.
“So talk.”
He lowered himself into the club chair opposite the sofa. Goldie wagged her tail but didn’t stir from her comfy place on the couch.
“Were you scared?” she asked.
Not exactly the subject he’d thought she’d bring up but if she needed to stall for a few minutes, he could respect that.
“Not really,” he told her. “No one in the shop thought I was a cop, so I was safe from them. An overeager shooter could have taken me out, but I figured the odds of that were slim. It was a waiting game.”
“I was terrified. So was your mom and your sisters. We knew people had been injured, but we didn’t know if it was you.”
He raised both hands, then glanced down at his chest. “I’m good.”
She shifted so she could stroke Goldie’s head. “You didn’t tell them about our fight. I thought you might, so I wasn’t sure if I would be welcome.” She glanced at him. “I thought you were looking for a chance for our pretend dating to end. Why didn’t you take it?”
“I didn’t think of it,” he told her honestly. He’d been angry about what had happened, and confused, but he’d never thought to tell anyone else about it.
Her eyes widened slightly. “Okay. I’ll go with that. But you set me up, Carter. You established the rules, then got mad because I followed them.”
He’d known they would get around to this eventually. “Maybe,” he admitted, hating that he had to. “But I made up the rules because of how you started things.”
“I didn’t know you,” she protested. “I never thought you’d be interested in having a baby with me.”
“Maybe you should have gotten to know me before you assumed I was some jerk who would walk away from his kid.”
She pressed her lips together, then nodded. “You’re right. I found out I was pregnant and I freaked. Totally and completely. I guess I thought if there was no father, things would be easier.”
“You want to do everything on your own?”
“Not really, but I wasn’t very clear at the time.”
“And now?” he asked.
“Now I know you’re the kind of man who wants to be involved. And you will be.”
He studied her. “Is that good or bad?”
She smiled. “Both.”
He drew in a breath. “I didn’t set you up. Not on purpose. It just kind of happened. We had rules in place and you didn’t mind them.”
“Did you?” she asked, her voice sounding a little breathless.
“Some. I don’t know what I feel, Rachel, but we’re having a baby. I think our daughter deserves more than a halfhearted attempt to get to know each other. I think she deserves some serious effort.”
“You don’t know we’re having a girl.”
“Yeah, I do. It’s the one thing I’m very clear on.”
“I hope I have a boy just to shock you.”
He smiled. “I’d like that.”
She leaned toward him. “What do you want?”
Right that minute, he wanted her. In his arms, in his bed, under him, naked. He wanted to touch her and feel her. He wanted to close his eyes and go to sleep knowing she was there.
But that wasn’t what she was talking about. She meant what did he want in the big-picture sense. As in for more than today.
He stiffened as he realized his answer was the same. He wanted Rachel in his life. He wanted to wake up and have her next to him.
The truth was a bitch, he thought, not sure what to do with the information. He’d never been the guy who did long term, so why was he thinking about it now? Why her? Was it because they were having a baby together?
He shook his head. No, this was bigger than that.
“Carter? The question wasn’t supposed to be that hard.”
“I want us to try,” he said. “I want us to think about making it real.”
He wanted to say a whole lot more, but a warning voice told him if he pushed too hard too fast he would scare Rachel away. He still believed she held back, that strong emotion scared her and the last thing he wanted was for her to run.
She bit her lower lip. “Real as in really dating? Really getting involved?”
He nodded. “Can you handle that?”
She drew in a deep breath. “Yes, I can.” She smiled. “Okay, I’m a little nervous, but I’ll go with it.”
He didn’t want to give her too much time to think so he stood. After taking her hand, he pulled her to her feet and drew her close. “Nervous? Around me?”
“You’re a big, tough guy,” she said. “Dangerous.”
“Very dangerous,” he murmured, his mouth inches from hers. “Good in bed.”
She sighed. “You’re okay.”
That made him grin. “Just okay.”
She sniffed. “Some of your techniques need a little refining.”
He saw the teasing light in her eyes and heard it in her voice.
“What kind of refining? Want to tell me?” He bent down and swept her up in his arms. “Or better yet, want to show me?”
Saturday morning Carter stepped out of the shower to find Rachel waiting for him in the bathroom. Since his bust had gone down the previous week, she’d been staying with him more than she’d been at home. He’d never lived with anyone before and he found he liked having her around.
One advantage of close, constant proximity was that they got to make love like regular people. Just last night they’d managed to get naked and talk before he’d had to claim her. Of course this morning they’d made love on the counter, while their waffles burned.
“Want to wash my back?” he asked as he reached for a towel. “I can get back in the shower.”
“I’d love to but your mom called. She asked if we could bring ice to the barbecue because her ice maker is acting up.”
“I’m not surprised,” he said. “It’s about a hundred years old. My sisters and I tried to buy her a new refrigerator for Christmas last year, but she found out and got mad. She said it was too much money. I explained split four ways, it’s not that much, but she wouldn’t listen. What?”
Rachel was smiling at him.
“I love listening to you talk about your family,” she told him. “There’s something warm in your voice. It makes me happy.”
“Yeah?” Despite the fact that he was still wet and she’d showered and dressed earlier, he pulled her close. “You make me happy.”
“I’m glad.”
They kissed. The second her mouth pressed against his, wanting poured through him. The instant and natural reaction jabbed her in the leg.
“You are consistent,” she said as she reached down and caressed him. “Normally I would totally agree, but we have to get ice and be there in half an hour.”
“Tonight,” he promised.
“Oh, yeah,” she said as she stepped back. “Even if I have to force you.”
She glanced down at his thigh, then frowned slightly. “I noticed that scar the first night we were together. It’s so unusual. What happened?”
He finished drying off, then wrapped the towel around his waist. “I was being an idiot, climbing up on the back of the sofa to hang shoelaces over the curtain rod. I was maybe six. Mama kept telling me to stop, that I’d hurt myself, and I did. I fell through the window and sliced my leg open. I remember her telling me that if it had been a couple of inches north, I would have been hating life.”
She winced. “I have to agree with her. I, for one, would have been deeply disappointed. Okay, big, bad guy. Go get dressed.”
She strolled out of the bathroom. He watched her go. Rachel didn’t seem to notice the changes in her body, but he could see them. Her breasts were fuller and, based on her recent ecstatic reactions to his touch, more sensitive. There was a slight curve to her stomach and thickening of her waist. She looked lush, like a woman coming in to her most beautiful time.
Carter was so used to feeling trapped and pressured in a relationship that he hadn’t known what it was like to feel that everything was right. He belonged with Rachel. She completed him and he wanted to be there for her. He wanted to hold her and support her and convince her that it was safe to care about him.
He wanted to love her.
Love. The one thing he never thought he would find. But he had. So what was he going to do about it?
After icing brownies, Rachel survived the water fight, then cuddled Liz’s two girls as she dried them with a big towel in a sunny spot in the yard.
What a perfect day, she thought as the three of them sprawled on the grass and looked up at the clouds passing overhead.
“That one looks like Goldie,” Erin, the youngest, said.
“I can see that,” Rachel told her.
Around them the family laughed and talked. The guys had settled into a meaningful discussion about college bowl games, while the women kept an eye on the kids. Carter had ducked out about an hour ago and Rachel found herself listening for his arrival.
“Auntie Rachel, when I go to kindergarten next year, can I be in your class?” Erin asked.
Rachel ran her fingers through the little girl’s silky hair. “I think you’ll probably get Mrs. Reed for your teacher.”
Erin pouted. “But I want to be in your class.”
Rachel wasn’t sure how to explain the complications of her having a child by Erin’s uncle and how that would mean Erin would get a different teacher.
“Because I already know you and think you’re so great, Mrs. Reed is going to want a chance to get to know you, too,” she said. “I think you’ll like her. She’s a lot of fun. I’d want to be in her class.”
Erin giggled. “You’re too big and you’re a teacher. You can’t be in class.”
A shadow fell across them.
“Uncle Carter!” Erin sat up and grinned. “You’re back!”
“I am, Peanut.” He held out a hand. “I’m going to steal Rachel away for a few minutes. Okay.”
“Don’t be long.”
He chuckled. “I won’t.” He pulled Rachel to her feet.
“Where’d you run off to?” she asked. “I turned around and you were gone. Sneaking out on me?”
“Only now and then.”
He led the way to the front of the house, then across to his place. Once they were inside, he faced her.
Rachel gazed into his handsome face and felt an instant quivering low in her stomach. Just being alone with the man was enough to make her want to have her way with him. But before she could move close and kiss him, he took her hands in his.
“I want to talk to you,” he said, sounding serious.
“About?”
“A couple of things. I know how we met wasn’t what either of us would have planned, and then you got pregnant, which complicated things. It was a giant twist of fate and for a long time I was kind of pissed off that my life wasn’t in my control anymore.”
She wasn’t sure where he was going with this, but so far she agreed with him.
“I’ve never been a forever kind of guy,” he continued. “I didn’t get it. Other people fell in love and got married. Not me.”
There was something wrong with her ears, she thought suddenly. A faint buzzing, as if she had a cold. And her skin was all tight. Go. She had to go.
“Carter,” she began, but he shook his head.
“Let me finish.”
She didn’t need him to finish. He’d already said too much.
“I’m making this right,” he told her. “Not because I have to but because it’s what we both want. I love you, Rachel. I don’t know how it happened, but I do. You’re the one I want to be with forever. I want to learn everything about you. I want to share your hopes and dreams. I want us to make plans and have more kids and make a life. Just you. Only you.”
He let go of her hands. Before she could run, he pulled a jewelry box out of his jeans pocket, then opened it. A beautiful solitaire diamond glimmered in the afternoon.
“It’s taken me a long time to get here,” he said, “but there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. I love you, Rachel. Will you marry me?”