Rachel stared at the ring, then at Carter. Panic swept through her and with it, the need to run as far and as fast as she could. This was wrong. She didn’t want to get married. Not to Carter. No. No! This wasn’t happening. He couldn’t be ruining everything like this.
“You’re moving too fast,” she said, barely able to catch her breath. The door beckoned, but she knew that she couldn’t just bolt. Not without talking to him first.
“We’re having a baby.”
“I know, but marriage is not required.”
Some of the light faded from his eyes. He closed the jewelry box. “You don’t want to marry me,” he said flatly.
“Carter, look. You’re a great guy. You’re practically perfect. You’re terrific. If I had to have a baby like this, you’re the one I’d pick to do it with. But why change things? We have a good relationship. Let’s not change that. We don’t need the pressure.”
She felt herself inching backward as she spoke. The door was so close, she thought frantically. If she could just get outside, then maybe she could breathe.
Carter couldn’t believe this was happening. After all this time, after all the women he’d dated, the ones who had begged him to marry them, he’d finally fallen for the only one not interested in him that way. Here he was, ring in hand, heart exposed and from the looks of things, Rachel couldn’t wait to get away from him.
Was it payback? A big cosmic joke on his behalf? Except he’d never led anyone on. He’d done his best to be honest.
Everything hurt. He’d been so sure that once Rachel knew how he felt about her, she’d be able to let go and love him back. He’d believed her feelings were right there, ready to burst free. Talk about being wrong.
She touched his arm. “I’m honored. Truly. I know this is a big deal. To be honest, some of what you said before is true. I do kind of hold back emotionally. So why push that? Why risk tying yourself down with someone who isn’t exactly what you want?”
“Don’t try to make this about me,” he told her, feeling his temper rise. Anger might just be a mask for the pain of rejection, but right now a mask seemed like a good idea. “You’re the one not willing to take a chance.”
She took a step back. “It’s my choice to make. Just because you’re willing to make a commitment doesn’t mean I am, too. It’s a question, not an obligation.”
He knew that. She was right about all of it, but he couldn’t help wanting to lash out and hurt her.
“You’re not making a choice,” he said angrily. “You’re running. Reacting to something that happened fourteen years ago. You’ll never be free of your loss if you don’t let yourself love again. Let yourself trust and be vulnerable.”
Her gaze narrowed. “Sure. Because this couldn’t possibly be about anything else. After all, the amazing Carter proposed. If I’m not falling at your feet in gratitude, there must be something wrong with me.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You implied it. I don’t want to marry you, Carter. I just don’t. Think what you want, but that’s my bottom line.”
With that, she turned and left. The front door closed behind her.
Fifteen minutes later, he walked into the Blue Dog Bar. Someone yelled his name but before he could answer, the half-full bar erupted in applause.
“Good job,” one of the cops yelled. “Not getting dead is always a good job.”
Carter nodded and waved. He appreciated the support and praise for the successful raid, but right now he had other things on his mind.
“Drinks are on the house,” Jenny said as he took a seat at the long counter. “Even the good stuff.”
“Just a beer,” he told her.
She poured and set the glass in front of him, then frowned. “What’s wrong? You don’t have hero face.”
“I’m no hero. I did what I was supposed to do and this time the bad guys didn’t win. End of story.”
“You should be a little more excited than that.”
Instead of answering, he pulled the jewelry box out of his pocket and passed it across to her. She opened it and gazed at the ring.
“Very nice. I’m impressed.”
“She wasn’t. Rachel passed.”
“Ouch.” Jenny closed the box. “I’m sorry.”
“Is that it? Shouldn’t you want to gloat? Maybe call a few other exes and have them in for a party? Carter finally got his.”
Jenny untied her apron. “I’m taking a break, Jon,” she yelled to the other bartender, then came around the counter and grabbed Carter’s arm. When she’d guided him into the breakroom and closed the door, she turned on him.
“What are you talking about?” she asked. “What’s going on? I’ve never wished bad things would happen to you.”
“I know. Sorry. Just a knee-jerk reaction from the biggest jerk.” He sank into a plastic chair and closed his eyes. “Why didn’t I see it coming? Why did I think it would be okay? I’m the one who didn’t believe in love or forever. I finally meet someone who makes me want to believe and now it’s going to be okay? Who am I kidding?”
He hurt from the inside out. He hurt in ways he hadn’t thought possible. He looked at Jenny. “Did I do this to you? Did I make you feel this crappy? Did I make you ache and bleed?”
She crouched in front of him. “It wasn’t all that bad. I loved you, but not so much that I couldn’t recover. I know it hurts now, but you’ll get better. That old saying about time healing is true. The edges blur. Besides, aren’t you jumping to conclusions? You caught Rachel off guard. Maybe she’ll come around.”
Not likely, he thought grimly, wishing he hadn’t left his beer at the bar. This seemed as good a time as any to get drunk.
“Rachel isn’t coming around. She isn’t interested in being in love. It scares her.” He explained how she’d lost her family and been left alone in the world.
“So her reaction isn’t about you,” Jenny said as she stood and pulled a plastic chair close to his. “She’s doing it out of fear.”
“I’d hoped she’d be motivated by something else. Something stronger than fear. I was wrong.”
He’d known there was a risk, but he’d been stupid enough to think he could win. She was lost to him. He knew that and it left him empty.
“So you’re just giving up?” Jenny asked.
He looked at her. “What should I do? Bully her into marrying me? Either she wants me or she doesn’t.”
“It’s not that simple. Rachel obviously wants to be with you. She’s been spending enough time with you. A case could be made that you changed the rules with no warning. Maybe you could give her a little time to catch up.”
“And if she doesn’t?”
“Then you’re where you are now. But if you give up and walk away, there’s no chance.”
He leaned forward. His gut felt as if he’d taken a hit from a three-hundred-pound linebacker. “She either loves me or she doesn’t. My wanting things to be different won’t change that.”
“You said she’s dealing with her past. Is it possible she doesn’t know what she feels? That she’s only reacting? Give her time. Let her miss you. See what happens before you walk away.”
He shrugged. “Sure.” He could give Rachel all the time she needed and then some. What did it matter? He wasn’t interested in being with anyone but her. Missing her, aching for her, would fill his days anyway.
Jenny smiled. “You could have a little faith in love.”
“I have plenty of faith in love. It’s Rachel’s faith I’m questioning.”
While Rachel didn’t actually expect to hear from Carter, she still missed him over the next few days. She was torn between the need to see him and annoyance over what he’d done.
He could have given her a little warning. They’d gone from pretend dating to a proposal in an eighth of a second. He’d changed things so fast, she’d reacted without thinking. Without saying anything. She had a bad feeling she’d hurt him.
She wanted to tell herself that she hadn’t—that Carter wasn’t capable of deep emotions. Only that wasn’t true. He didn’t lie and he’d told her he loved her. When she thought about him saying that, she got all gooey inside. Like she wanted to give the world a hug. But then she thought about marriage and her whole body went cold.
Marriage was out of the question. Maybe it was her past. Maybe he was right and she did keep people at arm’s length. So what? It was her right. All she knew was that she wasn’t interested in forever.
But she hadn’t meant to reject Carter like that. He’d proposed and she’d acted badly so the next step was up to her. Even without marriage, there was still the baby to consider.
She picked up the phone, then put it down. She had no idea what to say to him. Obviously they should talk, but about what?
She reached for the phone, but this time it rang. She snatched up the receiver.
“Hello?”
“Rachel! It’s Nina. I’m cooking dinner on Friday night. Just family. I feel the need to have everyone I love around my table. Six o’clock. Say you’ll be here.”
“I…” She opened her mouth to refuse, then hesitated. Nina was going to be her baby’s grandmother and the only grandparent. Sure, the night might be awkward, but better to get that awkwardness over now. Plus, Rachel wanted an opportunity to talk to Carter. “I’d love to.”
“Good. I know you have to work, so don’t worry about bringing anything. I’ll see you then.”
“I’m looking forward to it,” she said, and meant it.
She arrived a few minutes early and found that nearly everyone else was already there. Although she’d braced herself for a cool greeting and lots of questions, no one acted as if anything were different.
“You’re glowing,” Merry said as she hugged Rachel. “I look like a cow when I’m pregnant, but I can see you’re going to be one of those beautiful expectant mothers. That means I’ll have to hate you, but I’ll get over it.”
Rachel smiled. “I’m sure the glow will pass.”
“That’s just not how my luck goes. What do you want to drink?” Merry asked the question as she guided Rachel into the kitchen. Rachel chose flavored water and continued chatting as she tried to see if Carter had arrived yet. She didn’t spot him and was a little surprised by the rush of disappointment she felt. Okay, sure, she’d missed him, but it wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t as if she were devastated by the fact that he was no longer in her life the way he had been. She was only interested in making things right so they could be friends again.
Nina carried a large tray into the kitchen. “Here it is,” she said, then stopped when she saw Rachel. “Oh, good. You’re here.” The older woman set the tray down. “How are you feeling? Any symptoms yet? Are you getting enough rest? You have to eat, too. Lots of good, healthy food for you and the baby.”
“I’m doing well,” Rachel said, still startled that everyone was being so nice. She’d come prepared to tell her side of the story, but there didn’t seem to be a story to tell. Was it possible that Carter hadn’t said anything? She knew he was close to his family. Wouldn’t he mention that he’d proposed and she’d refused?
Apparently not, she thought a half hour later as Nina urged them to sit down to dinner. She hadn’t actually seen him yet. While the women had hung out in the kitchen, the guys had been in the family room watching the end of a college football game. She’d tried to think up an excuse to casually go in, but hadn’t come up with one. Funny how before the proposal, she would have simply walked back and joined him. Now, that didn’t feel right.
From what she could tell, he hadn’t said a word about his proposal or her rejection—which was really nice of him and probably explained the sudden rapid beating of her heart when he walked into the dining room.
He looked good. Relaxed and handsome. She took in his features, as if she’d been hungry to see them again.
He glanced at her and nodded. “Hey, Rachel. How’s it going?”
She blinked. How’s it going? That was it?
She looked around the room, but no one seemed to notice anything was different between them. No one had realized she and Carter weren’t what they had been before. Even though she didn’t know exactly what that was.
She found herself sitting across from him, and that meant she couldn’t avoid looking at him. When he caught her eye, he smiled, which should have been great, but wasn’t. There was something missing in that smile. It was casual, meaningless, as if she wasn’t special anymore. Until just now she hadn’t appreciated how much she liked being special in Carter’s world.
Dinner was the usual mix of great food and fast-paced conversation. Rachel relaxed, thinking that maybe everything was going to be all right, when Carter said, “I have a couple of announcements.”
She tensed. While she couldn’t believe he would tell his family this way and put her on the spot, she knew she’d reacted badly. Maybe in his mind, she deserved this. She ran over a list of reasons as to why she hadn’t wanted to marry him and braced herself for the public humiliation.
Nina looked at her son. “A good announcement or a bad one? I’m an old woman. Don’t break my heart.”
He reached down the table and patted his mother’s hand. “You always were a little dramatic.”
Nina smiled. “I know. It’s charming.”
“It is.” He released her, then addressed his family. “As you all know, I passed the test to be a detective awhile ago, but I never bothered to apply for the job. I liked what I was doing. I’ve decided it’s time for me to move on. There’s an opening coming up in a few weeks and I’ve put in my application. I’ve got a good shot at it.”
Nina clapped her hands and beamed. “Oh, Carter, I’ve longed for this. Finally you won’t be shot at so much.”
“Way to go,” Frank said and clapped him on the back.
Everyone else congratulated him, including Rachel, although she felt a little lost. A detective? Since when? She didn’t even know he’d wanted to make a change. He hadn’t said anything to her.
She could see why he wouldn’t have in the past few days, but what about before? He’d wanted to marry her? Shouldn’t they have talked about a career shift for him?
Before she could figure out what it all meant, Carter cleared his throat. “There’s something else.”
Rachel felt all eyes suddenly turn in her direction. She swallowed hard. They thought he was going to say they were engaged.
Heat climbed up her cheeks. She looked at Carter, but he wasn’t looking at her. Instead, he focused on his mother.
“Mama, you’re an amazing woman. Truly. I’m lucky to have been your son. But it’s time for me to have my own place.”
“You have your own place,” Shelly said. “Your own house.”
Nina flicked her fingers at her daughter. “It’s all right. Let your brother finish.”
“I’m putting the house up for sale,” he said. “I’m buying another one. It’s about three miles away. Close enough for me to drop in, but far enough away so I can have my own life.”
Conversation exploded.
“Did you know about this?” Merry asked Rachel. “You didn’t tell me.”
“I didn’t know,” Rachel said honestly, just as surprised as everyone else. She would never have thought Carter would want to be away from his family.
Nina looked at her son. Her eyes were bright with tears, but she blinked them away. “I understand,” she told him. “You and Rachel need a chance to start your own lives together. This is a good thing.” She raised her glass of wine. “To Carter and Rachel.”
The rest of the family joined in. Rachel looked at Carter and found, for the first time that evening, he was watching her. Did he expect her to say something? She couldn’t. Not like this.
She tried to figure out what he was thinking, but couldn’t do that, either. Nothing about this felt right, she thought, uncomfortable and not sure what to do to make things better.
Dinner finally ended. While Rachel had started the evening hoping to talk to Carter, now she just wanted to get out of the house. She felt out of place, as if she were a fraud. She hated that Carter’s family still treated her as if she were one of their own when she obviously wasn’t anymore.
She picked up several dinner plates, intent on carrying them into the kitchen, only to stop in the short hallway between the two rooms when she heard Carter talking to his mother.
“No, no,” the other woman was saying. “You were so good together.”
“It’s all right,” he said. “We tried to make things work out, but they’re not going to. Not the way everyone wanted. It’s no one’s fault and I don’t want you grilling her. Or anyone else. Rachel didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But you care about her. I can see it in the way you look at her. Tell me it’s not different.”
Rachel held her breath.
Carter stunned her by saying, “I love her, but sometimes love isn’t enough.”
“It has to be,” his mother told him.
“It’s not this time. We’ll be friends and raise a baby together.”
“But I thought you changed your job for Rachel. I thought you were moving for her.”
“I’m doing it because it’s time for me to move on.”
“You’re a good man,” Nina said after a moment of silence. “I’m proud of you, Carter. Your father would have been proud of you, too.”
Rachel stepped back into the dining room and set the plates on the table. What was she supposed to do now?
Rachel waited until Carter said he had to leave, then excused herself and followed him to his house.
“Can we talk?” she asked when she’d caught up with him.
“Sure.” He pushed open the front door, then waited for her to enter first.
She walked into the pleasant room. Everything was familiar and yet nothing seemed right. She didn’t belong here anymore.
He motioned to the sofa and took one of the chairs for himself.
“What’s up?” he asked.
He seemed so casual, she thought, watching him watch her. As if none of this mattered. But it had to. He hadn’t proposed lightly. He wouldn’t. She’d turned him down and he’d moved on—she should be happy.
She tried to figure out what to say. How to explain something she didn’t understand herself. She cared about him, cared deeply, but he didn’t want to know that. What did caring matter when she couldn’t say she loved him?
Because that’s what he would want. He’d waited a long time to find the right woman and when he found her, he was going to expect her to give with her whole heart. Could she do that? Could she give him everything she had?
The question had barely formed when her chest got tight and the need to run burned through her.
“You never said anything about changing jobs,” she said instead. “I didn’t know.”
“I’ve been thinking about it for a while,” he admitted. “It’s a good opportunity for me. Interesting, important work and I’ll be a little safer. That’s good for the baby.”
She nodded slowly. “You’re angry with me.”
His dark gaze never left her face. “Not yet. I’m working up to anger. Get back to me in a couple of weeks and I’ll let you know. Right now I still feel like roadkill.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why? You told the truth. You couldn’t do it and you said so. That beats the last two times when you pretended you could.”
She flinched. “That’s a little harsh.”
“Maybe. I’m not in a position to judge. I fell in love for the first time in my life and I got dumped. I’m still bleeding, Rachel. What do you want from me?”
What did she? “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“Too bad, because if that had been the plan, then hey, big win for you.” He stood. “If you’re done, I’ve got things to do.”
She hated that she’d done this to him. She rose to her feet and stepped close enough to touch him.
“I’m sorry,” she said again as she put her hands on his upper arms. “You have to believe me.”
He looked down at her. “That’s the hell of it, Rachel. I do believe you.”
She could see the pain in his eyes and she’d been the one to put it there. She hated that. Without thinking, she stood on tiptoe and pressed her mouth to his.
Familiar wanting rushed through her. He was warm and tempting and fifteen kinds of sexy.
This felt so right, she thought hazily as passion took over. She leaned in to him and parted her lips. But instead of responding, he stepped back.
“No, thanks,” he told her. “Not my style.”
“Wh-what?”
“I’m not going there with you. You’ve made it clear what you don’t want from me, now I’m doing the same. We’re just friends and I don’t sleep with my friends.”
But how could he deny their chemistry? They were so good together.
“You look surprised,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. “Don’t be. I don’t do stud-service and I’m not your pretend boyfriend anymore. I want it all, or I don’t want any of it. All my life I’d blamed my troubles on women. The truth is, I created my own trouble by not being willing to step up to the plate. I’m not going to do that anymore. I’m taking responsibility and I’m taking charge. I’ll be your friend, but it ends there.”
She felt embarrassed and angry. His rejection cut her, yet she was aware enough to understand why he’d done it. A teeny, tiny part of her thought that maybe he was right.
“Fine,” she said, doing her best to keep her voice from shaking. “We’ll be friends. And parents.”
“Sure.”
There was something about the way he said the word. Something that really annoyed her.
“What?” she demanded. “You don’t think I’m going to be a good mother.”
“I have my doubts,” he said, stunning her. “You’re afraid to care too much. Given your past, it’s understandable to me. But is the kid going to care about your issues? I think a baby is only going to know that her mother doesn’t love her and that’s not right.”
She glared at him. Her fingers itched to throw something, to lash out. “How dare you say that to me? You don’t know anything about me.”
“I know a whole lot about you. I know you’re letting being afraid control your life. I know you walked away from something that could have been good because it’s easier than going through the fire. Sometimes fire can burn the hell out of you and you’re never the same, but sometimes it just gets rid of all the dead wood and you’re left with something new and clean.” He shrugged. “It was your call, Rachel, and you made it. Now we both live with it.”
She trembled with rage and disappointment. It was truly over. There was nothing left to say, nothing left to save. So she did what made the most sense. She left.