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I
sat in the interrogation room at the police station. With walls painted gray and only a wooden table and chairs serving as the furniture, it served the look of a nightmare. I sat there, waiting for Detective Ocon. Once Andrew's identity had been confirmed, the case was filed as a homicide.
I was called in by Detective Ocon for questioning. I heard the door open and footsteps. I am not sure if I want to meet his eyes. Anyone who has found out about Andrew now looks at me with pity. I do not want to see it. I heard the screeching of metal against the concrete as Detective Ocon sat down. I finally looked up. He had placed a notepad and pen in front of me. “Victoria, before we begin, may I ask how you are doing?” I looked into his eyes. Pity. “I am not sure. Days pass by in a blur,” I told him honestly.
He nodded and then clicked his pen. “How long have you known Andrew?” “Almost five years. Since I joined the university.” “Did he have any enemies? People who would want to hurt him?” “No.” “Victoria, there has to be someone. No one just randomly wakes up one day and decides to murder a stranger, that too brutally.” “He did not have any enemies.” “Anything else he might have said to you leading up to that day, anything which might have given off that he was being followed or threatened?” “No.” Detective Ocon sighed. “May I leave?” “Victoria....” “Are there any questions left?” “No. You may go.” I immediately got up and left without saying goodbye.
Yesterday was his funeral. I did not go. I could not bear to see him turned to ashes. I wanted to remember him when he was happy, not his corpse. Will I regret it in the future? I do not know. I do not care about a future without him. I had gotten dressed and stood outside the crematorium, but my legs refused to carry me any further. I stood there till the funeral was over. I watched people come and leave, weeping and hugging each other.
He touched so many lives and so many hearts. I just stood there and observed. I knew his family recognized me. They chose to give me my space and did not approach me. I did not deserve him. Will we be each other forever? Will I recognize his atoms in another being? It was a silly thought, all of it, but I could not help thinking like that. If only I had never told him anything, he would have never gotten into this mess. All because of me.
Whoever did this to him is connected to me. He heard the sound of heels; it was like my stalker. I could not give up on the idea of forgetting all my pursuits anymore; I had to figure it out. As I climbed up the stairs to my apartment, my heart rate picked up. The stairs remind me of that glimpse. I want to forget. As I rounded the corner towards my apartment, I saw Annette standing at the door. She heard my footsteps and turned to me. It felt like ages since I had last seen her. She gave me a small smile. There was no pity in her eyes. I had missed her. “I thought we should eat together.” She held up two paper bags as she said that.
Annette and I sat in my dining room and ate in silence. The last time she was here, I knew absolutely nothing. That was the night when everything began. I could feel myself swallowing, but there was no taste in my mouth. “Do you want to talk?” Annette finally asked. I thought about it.
Did I want to talk? How do I begin to explain the deafening silence within me? It’s Annette, maybe she’ll understand. "I don't know. Nothing feels real without him. Whenever I hear my phone ring, I expect it to be his voice on the other end. But it isn't, and it won't ever be his voice again, either.
On the one hand, not much seems to have changed, but on the other hand, nothing feels the same. I feel all and nothing." Annette listened to me patiently. "He is a huge part of your life; it makes sense that you feel this way. There is nothing I can say which may make up for your hurt. So, I will be here anytime you need a listening ear." She took my hand in hers as she said this. I noticed that she used “is” instead of “was” when she talked about Andrew. She understood that even if he is gone, it does not change the fact that he will always be a huge part of my life.
