11

‘So, how did she take it?’

Dave’s face was drained and strangely yellowish against the stark white of his hospital pillow. There were purple circles under his eyes and the beard around his chubby jowls was already looking overgrown. Dave had never been an athletic, or even mildly sporty guy. He’d been slim when he was young because he’d smoked all kinds of things, had never eaten much and liked to party hard. But in the last four or five years, his hobbies of drinking quality wine, watching quality TV dramas and cooking quality dinners were making him increasingly heavy.

Tess used to do everything she could to encourage him to follow her lead in at least walking regularly and holding the worst of the middle-age weight gain at bay, but now she was resigned to her chubby husband, although it could still be something of a shock to see the full extent of his girth, as she did now because the thin hospital gown was exposing his thick side.

‘River took it very badly,’ Tess admitted. ‘She actually shouted at me. It was really unpleasant. And now she’s insisting that she still comes over.’

‘What, and stays with us?’ Dave laughed at the idea.

‘No… she thinks you should move somewhere else to someone who can look after you. And I should go to her apartment in LA.’

Dave, lying in a hospital bed, uncomfortable, and plaster-casted, still managed a joyful laugh at this, although it hurt his ribs quite a lot.

‘Move somewhere else, like this? You go to LA? Good grief. She sounds completely insane. What did you say?’

‘Well… I…’ Tess met Dave’s eyes.

Three months. How could she possibly spend the three months she had worked so hard to plan, putting arrangements in place at work, and even setting up a weekly rota of visiting friends to make sure her mum and dad didn’t miss her too much… how could she now spend all that precious, hard-won time looking after Dave and pottering about her house?

But she had to look after Dave. Everyone expected it of her and she expected it of herself.

‘I said I’d have to get back to her,’ Tess said, feeling uncertain and oddly defeated.

‘She can’t have the house,’ Dave said. ‘You’ll have to make that clear. Refund her money. Tell her this definitely won’t work.’

But still Tess protested. ‘She has to come to Stratford for work. She’s got a big writing project on. It’s going to be very hard for her to find anywhere. Is there anyone we can think of who might have a place where she can stay?’

‘Not for six weeks, Tess, that’s impossible.’

And suddenly Tess felt tears slipping down her cheeks. She tried to brush them away quickly, but Dave saw and put his hands over hers.

‘What’s the matter?’ he asked.

‘What’s the matter?’ she repeated the question angrily. ‘Everything is ruined, completely ruined! I was so looking forward to this summer. It was all I could think about. All I’ve been thinking about for months! I wanted to have a wonderful time, a proper adventure with you and the children – and now it’s a total disaster!

‘And the worst thing is, none of you seem to even care! It turns out Alex and Natalie didn’t want to come anyway, and you had to use the bloody wooden ladder that should have been thrown out years ago, even when I told you, you shouldn’t,’ she couldn’t help the outburst, ‘and my lovely dog is dead…’ this prompted a fresh spill of tears, ‘and now I have some dreadful American woman shouting at me over the phone because she wants to live in my house for the summer. And I can’t go anywhere! When I’m desperate to go somewhere. That’s what’s the bloody matter!’

‘I’m really sorry,’ Dave said.

But it just didn’t feel like enough.

Can you fly with a broken ankle? Can you fly with broken ribs?

The internet advice was not exactly encouraging.

Is LA wheelchair friendly?

What to do in LA in a wheelchair.

These questions lead her down entirely different internet rabbit holes. There were vast art galleries and museums in LA, stunning white buildings, all glass and steel, surrounded by perfectly green lawns and improbably blue sky. There were beaches and public pools – she had expected that. But public parks, galleries and hundreds of miles of hiking trails and forest, she’d not been aware of all this.

The pictures that River had sent of her apartment were also lovely. It was open plan, in soothing shades of cream and white, with a big, comfortable sofa, several bookcases and a lovely antique wooden desk. There was a large, tiled balcony filled with plants that overlooked the pool courtyard. Tess pictured herself mixing up a smoothie in the apartment, throwing a kimono over her swimsuit and then heading downstairs for a cooling swim before she settled down onto the sun lounger to enjoy her drink and plan her adventures for the day ahead.

She was scrolling and scrolling through LA images of pools, beaches, hillsides, sunsets and bright lights, when Natalie called. She wanted to know how her dad was doing because his phone signal in the hospital was terrible and it was almost impossible to get through to him.

‘Why don’t you come back and see him?’ Tess asked. ‘He would love that.’

‘Yee-ees.’ Natalie didn’t exactly sound sure of this. ‘Maybe a long weekend?’

‘Are you so busy out there? You can’t even be spared for a week?’

‘Well, no… I can’t really. The school is so busy. And they’ve asked me to stay on for the whole of the summer, now that we’re not going away.’

‘But you’re definitely okay?’ Tess wasn’t quite sure why she was asking. The Natalie she was looking at on Skype was smiling, sun-kissed, relaxed and full of joy and energy. Happy. Just as you wanted all your children to be. What was the saying? ‘You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child.’ Natalie was obviously happy and that made Tess feel very happy for her too.

‘Have you met someone special out there?’ Tess asked.

The way Natalie laughed and broke off eye contact answered the question.

‘Maybe…’ she said with an excited grin.

‘Spanish?’ Tess asked, flashing forward to a future where she had to get on a plane every time she wanted to see her daughter in person. Then immediately telling herself to calm down. Wasn’t everyone allowed a dreamy summer romance at Natalie’s age?

‘No… he’s one of the student teachers,’ Natalie replied, ‘he’s from Scotland and he’s actually called Hamish!’

And they both laughed because it seemed too much.

‘I know,’ Natalie said, ‘Hamish… he sounds like a little old man in a tweed hat, but he’s really tall and blonde and… lovely.’

‘That sounds very nice.’

‘Yeah…’

To Tess’s knowledge, there hadn’t been a boyfriend since an unhappy breakup at the end of Natalie’s final school year.

‘Is he helping to mend your heart?’ she asked gently.

‘He is. He’s just… awesome. I really, really like him.’

‘Is he at uni too?’

‘Well, not anywhere near me, he’s got a football scholarship to a US college in Florida… so that’s quite far away.’

‘Oh… yes, it is…’

‘We’re trying not to think about that too much,’ Natalie added quickly. ‘We’re just, you know, enjoying the moment.’

‘Are you okay? Do we need to talk about… anything?’

‘Anything’ meant all the tricky stuff that you might want to talk to your mum about, or more likely your best friend. Over many frank and awkward conversations, they’d built the understanding that Natalie was allowed privacy, of course, but Tess was always there for her if she wanted to talk anything through.

‘I’m not rushing into anything… okay, Mum?’

‘Are you sure you’re okay? You know I always want you to be happy and in control…’

‘Yes, I know,’ Natalie said, ‘and not to get too carried away to ever forget about safe sex.’

‘No…’

Although Tess would have loved to be the kind of parent who could have breezy sex-chats with her daughter, it was always awkward and just a bit weird. But still she persevered because she was sure it was the right thing to do.

‘I will talk to you if I need to. And…’ Natalie’s smile curved upwards, ‘thanks for asking.’

Tess smiled back. She hoped it was enough, and knew that, at least, it was far better than the one and only ‘sex talk’ she’d had with her mother: ‘Tess, have you learned about human reproduction in biology class?’

‘Yes,’ Tess, aged about twelve, had replied, although it wasn’t true, but she was now in a panicked confusion of her own, her only thought being, ‘Please don’t talk about this!’

‘Oh, well… that’s all right, then,’ her mother had said with obvious relief and moved the conversation quickly on to other things.

And that was it! AIDS, contraception, rape, date rape… Tess’s mother had never felt the need to air any of these issues with her daughter, ever.

‘So… what are you going to do with your time off, now that Dad’s managed to hospitalise himself?’ Natalie asked, interrupting her thoughts.

Tess snorted at the question. ‘Well, I’ll be looking after him, of course. He’s not going to be able to do much for quite some time.’

‘Muuum… he won’t need you to hang around for the whole time. He’ll be hopping about on his crutches pretty soon and he’ll manage. You should go off and do something exciting on your own, for a change.’

‘What do you mean he won’t need me? Have you ever tried to make yourself a cup of tea on crutches? It’s not exactly easy, you know. Cooking on crutches, showering, going to the loo… he’s going to need help with everything.’

‘Mum! Maybe if he’d broken both his arms as well. But he hasn’t. Look, you don’t need to be there all the time. He has friends; he has auntie Jackie. He can get Deliveroo if he’s desperate. Maybe you can even get cups of tea on Deliveroo now, bet you can. You should go and do something, for yourself. I mean, maybe you should still go on the holiday? You were so excited about it, so looking forward to it. Maybe you should just pack your bags and go. Dad will manage, and think about what an adventure you could have. You’ll have a year’s worth of stories to tell us.’

‘I can’t go on the holiday…’

‘Why not?’

‘Because of your dad…’

‘We’ll put all kinds of good things and good people on Dad.’

‘It would look really selfish of me…’ Tess protested.

‘Really? You’ve been looking after all of us for over twenty years, would it really be so bad to take two months off?’

‘But…’

‘Are you scared to go on your own?’

‘Of course I’m not scared.’

‘When did you last travel somewhere by yourself?’

‘Well… I…’

Absolutely nothing came to mind. She’d not travelled by herself since… since… she was a student.

‘I think you might be too scared,’ Natalie said, but she meant it kindly. ‘Think about it, Mum, it could be amazing.’

Are you scared?

The question hovered over her head all evening as she made supper for herself, as she went out for a dogless walk by herself, as she googled Los Angeles far into the night, even though she knew she’d be exhausted at work tomorrow morning.

All by myself…

She didn’t want to be ‘All By Myself’. Last year, she was still the frantically busy working mum of a school-aged child. There were still school holiday dates, parents’ evenings and exam revision traumas taking up her time. Now, her big family reunion had collapsed and her daughter was urging her to go off all by herself.

But Tess didn’t want that, couldn’t they see? She wanted to be with them. She wanted Natalie and Alex making sarcastic jokes over dinner, Nat rolling her eyes, Alex quoting Peep Show and all of them laughing at old, worn and beloved family jokes. It now felt as if her family had exploded, all the elements flung far out into orbit: Alex in London – although they saw so little of him, it may as well have been the moon. Natalie in Spain. Bella, the dear departed.

And poor old Dave…

You were supposed to go through some sort of romantic rekindling with your husband when your children left home, weren’t you? But that had definitely not happened yet. They still seemed stuck in their parent roles. Their stressed, devoted, busy parent roles. When they talked, it was about family things, children things, house things. There were no fresh topics of conversation. There were a handful of friends that they liked to see together, but they also had their own groups of ‘the boys’ and ‘the girls’ that they went out with separately.

As a couple, they were last on holiday together without the children seven years ago on a minibreak to Devon, where the rain did not stop for the whole three days, and they played Scrabble, admittedly several pretty intense games, instead of having sex.

In all honesty, Tess knew her marriage could be a lot better, but she also knew it could be a lot worse. So mainly, she didn’t worry about it too much. It was on the back burner, in a holding pattern. And surely at this stage of family life, people sort of settled? Didn’t they? They accepted that romance wasn’t a big part of life and sex even less so.

It was so very hard to think sexy thoughts about a man when you laundered his extra-large pants and could hear him break wind in the en suite. That bloody en suite… as if married life wasn’t enough of a challenge without a hole in your bedroom wall so you could hear your spouse’s every move in the bathroom.

But, but, but… she hadn’t expected everything to get quite so old couple-ish by now. Wasn’t the internet full of sixty-something women going on about their amazing sex lives? But she was always too tired, too stressed or too busy to think about sex.

Make tea, not love. Talk to the children… run a spreadsheet… do the ironing… nurture the houseplants. That was where her interests lay now. In all honesty, sex felt past its sell-by date.

So… she rated herself as a really good mother, a pretty good accountant, but probably, if there was some wifely A Level, she suspected she would only scrape a B.

Her phone rang and she saw Dave’s number.

‘Hello, sweetheart, how are you doing?’ she asked.

‘Well… could be worse, I suppose. That’s one thing about being here, there’s always someone who’s worse off than you are. I’m trying to make the best of it… and I was thinking about the summer.’

‘The summer that’s not going to happen any more… ah, well.’ She didn’t want to go on about it, she was sure she’d made him feel quite guilty enough.

‘Well, not the way we’d planned,’ he said. ‘And we means mainly you, Tess, you did all the planning. You did all the work and I feel for you.’

She let out a sigh and tried not to feel too sorry about it all.

‘Are you wallowing?’ he asked.

‘Yes, I am wallowing and I’m allowed to wallow,’ she said, ‘I really miss the dog…’ but Bella was just part of it. She already missed looking forward to the holiday… she had no idea how she would deal with the coming and going of the departure date… and, oh, everything was just a bit much right now.

‘I think you should go to Los Angeles,’ Dave said.

This suggestion made her almost angry. ‘Oh, you do, do you? Think I should just toddle off to the other side of the world and get out of everyone’s hair, maybe? Stop annoying you all?’ she asked.

‘Tess… we all love you, but I did not want to go on your big holiday.’

‘Dave!’

‘Well, I didn’t. You just twisted everyone’s arm.’

‘I can’t believe you… any of you! Who wouldn’t want something like that?’ she protested angrily. ‘What’s the matter with you all?’

‘You’re the one who wants the big change, the big adventure. You should go. I mean, it’s not Cambodia, but it’s LA. It’s pretty bloody exciting.’

‘Oh, I should just go? You’re still on morphine, aren’t you?’

‘Yes, I’m still on morphine, and it is awesome, but this is not the morphine talking.’

‘What about our couple time? Our together time? Do you want to get out of that too?’

‘Well… maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing, would it?’ he said. ‘Maybe what we need is some time apart rather than a three-week trip together.’

‘Oh… I see…’ she felt a little bit blindsided. It was one thing for her to think that they could do with some time apart, but now here was Dave telling her he’d like space. First the children and now him – did no one have any further need for her?

‘But… you’re in a plaster cast and you’ll be on crutches… how will you manage without me?’ she protested.

‘I know this may come as a big surprise, but maybe I’ll manage just fine,’ Dave replied.

‘I see,’ she repeated, suddenly wondering if they were talking about for six weeks, or forever.

‘I’ve been thinking about it,’ Dave went on. ‘In a week’s time, if the ribs heal up nicely, I’ll be up and about on crutches, so once I’ve got used to them I think I could move into the summerhouse at the bottom of the garden. There’s running water already and I’ll get a little hob and a fridge and round the back, I’ll have a chemical toilet installed, temporarily of course.’

‘The summerhouse? A little hob… and a chemical toilet?’

This really was the morphine talking. ‘Dave, seriously, you’ve got a plaster cast on your foot for the next six weeks at least.’

‘I’ve got full use of both arms,’ he insisted. ‘Thank goodness for that. And I’ve made a decision for me… I’m not going to tour Southeast Asia, lovely as it would have been, I am finally going to spend the whole summer painting… because there is literally nothing else I can do.’

‘Oh… painting…’

The last time he’d mentioned it, she’d bitten his head off. But this time, she bit her tongue. Dave had been meaning to paint all summer for about… well… ever since Alex was born, probably. All those long summer holidays an art teacher gets, but how quickly they all seemed to be used up with childcare, life admin, chores, flat-out exhaustion, and all the other things that come with being a grown-up and a parent.

This time she didn’t dismiss his painting idea. This time she thought about it from his point of view. Painting was quite obviously still unfinished business for Dave. After all these years, there was maybe still a part of him that believed he was not only an art teacher, but also an artist.

Dave had gone to a world-famous London art school and his class had been one of those golden years that had spawned not just one, but a handful of incredibly successful artists. Artists who were well known today – their important works displayed in galleries, and selling for huge prices. Maybe there was a nagging feeling at the back of Dave’s mind that he could have been one of them. He’d been in the group all those years ago. He’d had the ideas and the talent.

When Dave had left art school, he’d spent a whole year painting in a shared studio, and that was when he and Tess had met at a party. He’d made ends meet by working part-time at a supermarket before his father had intervened, leaning hard on Dave to train as a teacher so that he could earn himself a respectable salary. Then marriage to Tess and baby Alex had followed before Dave was out of his twenties. And painting, really getting right into the heart of painting again, that was something Tess knew Dave had put on hold, year after year, promising himself as every fresh summer holiday approached that this year he would find the time.

Maybe at last, this year, he really would manage it.

‘Plus…’ Dave went on, while these thoughts rose up in Tess’s mind, ‘I think you could do with an adventure. You maybe really need an adventure. You’re the one who wanted that big, exciting holiday the most. And… you know, I do think that some space and doing different things could do us a lot of good.’

And there was a phrase all loaded with discussions they’d had and needed to have.

The space could do us good.

Dave was a very loving husband. She never doubted him. She was never, ever going to come home to find Dave in bed with another woman, or with his bags packed up, telling her he was leaving. It would never happen. No matter how much they might drive each other to distraction. He took his family very seriously.

But they both knew things between them were completely lacklustre. They loved one other and they annoyed the living daylights out of one other. Some days, they could barely be in the same room together. And they couldn’t seem to get out of this pattern, this low-gear marriage that bumped along uneasily. Maybe he was right… maybe space would do them good.

Maybe they didn’t need quality time together on an Asian adventure; maybe they needed time apart. Maybe he needed a summer of painting in the glorified shed at the bottom of the garden and she needed an adventure all of her own.

Maybe she needed to try and remember who she was and what she liked and what she wanted to do.

‘But Dave,’ still she protested, ‘I can’t just leave you in the summerhouse, while you’re… broken. You’ll need someone to bring you food, make you food, maybe even dress you… I mean, are chemical toilets even big enough for people with crutches?’

‘A disabled chemical toilet, then. No, I’ve been lying here, thinking it all through carefully… big t-shirts, sweatpant shorts, slip on shoes. I’ll get my sister to come round and check on me. I’ll get a couple of the neighbours to drop by if I’m really stuck. And I will make lots of healthy one-pot meals and soups. Maybe even salads. You’ll come back from LA and maybe I’ll be half the man I was. LA, Tess! Think about it. Not everyone gets the chance of a trip like that. In fact, don’t limit yourself to LA, use it as a base, go and explore the West Coast.

‘And Natalie has said she’ll come and see me for a weekend or two,’ he added. ‘She can stay at Sophie’s and come and visit me. Maybe even take me out on some trips. But really, I want to be left on my own,’ Dave said, ‘so I finally have absolutely no excuse but to dig out the paint and the brushes again and really spend some time on it.’

‘And what about Alex?’ Tess asked. ‘I really think he needs some care and attention from us. I can’t tell if he’s really as okay as he says he is… I worry about him.’

‘You always worry about everyone.’ Dave added, ‘Look, we’ll both phone Alex all the time. He can come up here and stay with friends whenever he likes. Maybe he can even go over to LA and visit you.’

‘Oh! That’s a good idea…’

Tess wondered if she could convince Alex to come. Sun and beaches, somewhere new and exciting – these things would be so good for her moody overthinker of a son.

‘Just do this, Tess,’ Dave urged her. ‘Press go, book the tickets, and we’ll all muddle along without you, somehow. Just go for it. Do it for yourself.’

Once she’d said goodbye to him, she took a long time to think it over. She could go for a bit, she told herself… she could go for a fortnight… it wasn’t so far away… if she didn’t like it at all, or Dave needed her, she could come back. She walked all around her house, straightening cushions, watering house plants, making a mental note of the jobs that still had to be done… and realised she was prepping for River to be here.

And River could only be here if Tess went to LA.

Finally, before she could backtrack on herself, she picked up her phone and dialled River’s number.

‘Hello, Tess, I hope you’ve got some good news for me,’ was River’s opener. It made Tess smile.

‘Yes… as a matter of fact I do. You can come over and spend the summer in our house.’

River gave an excited shout.

‘One thing will be different. My husband, Dave, will be living in the summerhouse at the bottom of the garden. I hope that’s not a problem, he’ll have a little kitchen and bathroom there. He’ll be right out of your way.’

‘Okaaaaay… I guess that could work.’

‘And I’m going to fly to LA,’ Tess suddenly felt a little breathless at the thought, ‘and stay in your apartment.’

‘That is amazing… oh my God, that’s totally amazing. I am so excited for you!’

‘Yes, me too…’ I think, Tess couldn’t help adding mentally.

‘You are going to love it here. Truly, you are going to have the most wonderful time.’