There was a phone ringing… ringing… ringing…
Tess opened her eyes. It was definitely her phone. She groped around the bedside table and her hand landed on the smooth glass of her screen.
‘Hello? Hello, it’s me,’ she said, realising as she said the words that she’d not seen the number, and actually had no idea who was calling her.
‘Mum? Hello, it’s Alex!’
‘Alex! Hello darling, how are you? Oh, it’s so good to hear from you!’
She pulled herself upright in bed and all at once felt wide awake. ‘How’s it going? Oh, I can’t believe it’s you. It’s been so long since I spoke to you.’ She tried to rein herself in, she knew how he recoiled when she made too much of a fuss over him. But it was so lovely, so rare and so unexpected to hear from him.
‘How are you doing?’ she asked and bit her tongue, promised herself she would now be quiet, let Alex talk while she listened.
‘I’m really good,’ he said, and she heard the cheerfulness in his voice, ‘work is going well and the weather in London – it’s glorious. It’s so hot, it feels like a foreign city, you know, sun beating down on the concrete… drinks outside on the pavement tables.’
‘Oh, I know… it’s wonderful in the summer. Have you been to Hyde Park, or gone down to the river?’
‘I’ve been walking and walking in Hyde Park, I love it. Been sitting in the deck chairs after work reading Russian novels.’
‘Wow! That sounds pretty intense.’
‘I’ve finished War and Peace… all 1,563 pages of it. Finished it! It was amazing. Totally blew my mind.’
‘That’s incredible. I’ve never even started it, I’m ashamed to admit…’ Tess imagined her thoughtful son carrying the massive book around with him every day. In his bag on the tube, in the pocket of his raincoat… bringing it out as he sat on a deckchair in Hyde Park. She imagined her lovely boy, in the world of work, one face among millions in the sea that was London.
‘I really miss you, Alex,’ she told him. ‘I feel so far away from you all… I would have loved to go on that family holiday, you know. Just to hang out with everyone again.’ This was an acute feeling now that she could hear his voice. Sometimes she thought she was really fine, and pretty happy on her own, and at other times, like now, she missed everyone intensely.
‘Is London okay? Are you making friends? Are you settling into work okay?’
Once again she was asking too many questions. Let him speak… let him speak!
‘Yeah, I really like it,’ he replied and Tess drank in his happy, upbeat tone. ‘I’m learning a lot at work. It’s interesting and there are people there that I really like. But you know me, Mum, I like to be on my own too. So it’s a good mix. I’ll have a busy, worky, sociable day, and then usually a quiet evening to just chill out, make my dinner and get my reading done.’
‘Make your dinner! So how’s your cooking coming on?’
‘I can make burgers, I can make macaroni cheese, I can make chicken wraps… so I’m rotating these.’
‘Chicken and veg tray bake, remember I showed you how to do that?’ she suggested. ‘But anyway, what are you going to read next?’ she asked to keep him engaged, keep him on the line.
‘Oh… I don’t know… maybe continue in the Russian theme… more Tolstoy… or maybe Dostoyevsky. Something a little bit weighty… Crime and Punishment sounds like the kind of thing.’
Again, Tess pictured him, jostling for space on the tube with his eyes on the pages of his book, his face the picture of concentration. Maybe he should have done English Lit or foreign languages at university. Had Economics really been his choice? Or had she leaned him into it? Telling him what a good prospect it was for employers… always the sensible Mum. If she had been too strict or too bossy with him, it was only because she wanted so much for him… wanted the world… believed he had real talents and was someone who could do whatever he put his mind to.
But didn’t every mother look at their children and think that? Because she felt the same about Natalie too, but there was a sensitivity, even a fragility to Alex that made him just a little bit more vulnerable than Natalie. Tess knew she had hovered over Alex and micromanaged… and she knew just how annoying Alex found this. There had been periods when he’d shut her out of his life and hadn’t told her what was really going on – in that final year of school and final year of uni – until things had got to a crisis point and now she was always alert to the possibility that this could happen again.
‘I miss you,’ she said, putting all the love, warmth and feeling in her heart into those simple words.
‘Muuuum! You’re supposed to be having a great time, far too busy to miss us. What’s it like in LA? What are you doing?’ he asked.
‘I’ve been visiting art galleries, I’ve been to the beach a few times, I’ve been hiking… and I started dancing lessons with this really cool ballet teacher who lives in the building…’
‘You dancing? I’m trying to picture that.’
‘Yes, I know… but I’m getting better, honestly! I’ve had an amazing haircut. I am now a blonde. Natalie is gradually coming round to the idea.’
‘You are a blonde? Send a picture please, I can’t imagine that.’
‘I did,’ she said. ‘I sent it on “the fam” chat group. That’s the one you never reply to, or acknowledge in any way, shape or form…’
‘Sorry,’ he said, sounding quite genuinely contrite. ‘Sometimes those messages come at… well, the wrong times for me… and then I forget to look at them.’
‘Well, take a scroll now, you’ll see the new, improved, dancing, blonde mother.’
‘Sounds like you’re having a great time,’ he said.
‘Yes… I am. It’s different, very different being away from you all… but I’m enjoying it.’
‘I think you needed a change,’ he said.
And it was funny to hear these caring and perceptive words from him.
‘Yes… I did,’ she agreed.
‘You sound happy,’ he said, ‘and it suits you.’
‘What about you, my darling? Are you happy?’
‘I really am, Mum.’
Because they weren’t video calling, she paid close, close attention to his voice, took in every syllable. And he did sound bright and genuine, relaxed and happy.
‘Be happy, Mum, it’s really good for you.’
‘Yes, be happy, Alex. It’s really good for you too.’
There was a pause; she imagined them both smiling at each other down the line.
‘Well… I guess I better go,’ he said finally. ‘It’s been really nice talking to you, Mum.’
‘It’s been lovely talking to you too, darling. I love you and we could do this more often.’
‘Yeah… you take care.’
‘Goodbye.’
‘Goodbye, Mum.’
And he was gone.
Be happy… that was a nice thing for him to say. And an unusual one too. Tess lingered on the screen of her phone as the photo of Alex, taken a few years ago now, was still there.
And then a message flashed up:
What a lovely evening. I hope we can do that again sometime soon. Nathan. Meanwhile, I have an urgent question for you, please give me a call.
And all the memories from last night came tumbling back to mind. That kiss on the terrace… that other kiss in the car park…
And now what?