There was a stunned silence that seemed to last for most of the lunch break. Liam swayed from foot to foot and then reached into his pocket and took out a piece of paper. He glanced at me as if for permission and I nodded. He unfolded the paper and cleared his throat.
‘Elise,’ he said. ‘You are the very peak of perfection and I am less than the dust beneath your chariot wheels. It is obvious that someone of your stunning natural beauty and impe … impecc …’
‘Impeccable,’ I said.
‘Impeccable personality will have suitors falling over themselves to vee for your favours.’
‘That’s “vie”, Liam,’ I chipped in.
‘Whatever,’ he said. ‘I understand that I have no chance of being your favoured partner on the grounds I am a jock with the …’
He looked at me again and I nodded for him to carry on. Liam swallowed and held the paper up.
‘… the mental ability of a lower private …’
‘Primate,’ I said.
‘Whatever. And I will therefore not embarrass myself by courting you anymore, since rejection is inevitable. I may be …’
He looked at me again and if looks could kill, I’d be curling my toes at that very moment. But I wasn’t going to let him off. I made my gaze steely and nodded towards his paper.
‘I may be uglier than a bucketful of bumholes,’ he continued, ‘but I have a parting gift that is as beautiful as I am revolting.’ He reached into his pocket again and pulled out an envelope, handed it to Elise. ‘It is at your friend’s house, but here is a picture for you to enjoy for the time being.’
I pulled out an envelope from my pocket and handed it over to Liam. He snatched it and hissed at me. ‘Better be all here and if anyone hears about this …’
I held up a hand.
‘You have my word, Liam. Just between the three of us.’
I would have preferred it if he’d left us before opening my envelope but I guess he’d used up all his restraint by then. He fanned the four fifty-dollar bills and held them up to the light like he was checking to see if they were forgeries. I didn’t have much confidence that Liam Cooper would be able to spot a forgery if it bit him in the leg, but I guess he was entitled to be a bit snarky. Then he turned on his heel and stormed off.
I looked at Elise. Elise looked at me.
Then she had a fit of laughing that I thought would never stop. She clutched at her stomach, she bent herself double, she screamed as tears ran down her face. It was the kind of laughter you can’t help but share. We both laughed until it hurt. After what seemed like an hour we wheezed into silence.
‘You cannot mention this to anyone, Elise,’ I said. ‘If you do, Liam will apparently find out and there will be recriminations involving the spilling of blood. All of it mine, according to Mr Cooper.’
She made the zipping movement with her hand across her mouth.
‘You paid him two hundred bucks to give that speech, CC? You crazy?’
‘Yes, but that’s not the issue right now. Aren’t you going to open that envelope?’
She turned it over in her hands.
‘Why would you give Liam Cooper two hundred bucks to read out a speech? Don’t get me wrong, CC. Hilarious and everything, but that’s gotta be the world’s most expensive joke. Makes no sense.’
‘He wanted three hundred. I had to bargain him down,’ I said. ‘Even then, there were conditions. No one could see him and no one could hear of it ever again. He was most firm on that last point.’
‘Still makes no sense.’
I sighed and glanced at my phone. The bell ending lunch recess would be going in about five minutes.
‘If I explain, El, will you open that envelope?’
She just tilted her head.
‘Okay, here’s a shortened version,’ I said. ‘You remember when I told you that two men sang me a song at St Kilda beach?’
‘That beautiful but shit song. Yeah.’
‘Dad arranged that. He makes dramas we can share. He writes scripts and we play them out. But we don’t let the other know that we know. It’s a game.’
She wrinkled her brow in confusion.
‘So what, this was a game? You paid Liam Cooper two hundred bucks for a comedy routine?’
‘Kind of,’ I said. ‘Think of it as more of a show. But that’s not the important part.’ I nodded towards the envelope she was still turning over and over. ‘The main thing is in there.’ I wasn’t going to tell her that two hundred bucks was small potatoes compared to what I’d spent on the main thing. ‘Think of Liam as the starter.’ I touched the envelope with my index finger. ‘That’s the main course.’
She opened it then. Elise slid the photograph out and looked at it. For a few seconds she didn’t seem to understand. Then a single tear appeared at the corner of her right eye. It swelled and ran down her cheek.
‘A Saint Bernard puppy,’ I said, just in case her brain had shut down completely. ‘Ten weeks old, fully vaccinated and complete with pedigree certificate.’
‘But …’
‘Your parents know. You will be able to keep it at home. If something happens – if it all turns bad in some way – my father will take it in. You can visit, take it for walks. But it will still be your dog.’
I took her by the hand.
‘But it won’t come to that, El,’ I added. ‘Your parents know they owe you something for all the pain you’ve been through. And are still going through. They hope this goes a small way to paying off that debt.’
‘They bought this puppy?’
‘Ah, well. No. I did. But trust me, they will be paying. Do you have any idea how much it costs to keep a Saint Bernard in dog food? I mean, they grow to be the size of a horse. Apparently, you don’t need a dog bowl and a scoop for the biscuits. You need a wheelbarrow and a shovel.’
The tears continued to run down Elise’s face.
‘This isn’t a joke, is it, CC? Because if it is, I’ll never forgive you.’
‘No joke. The puppy is in our laundry room at home. Mum took me to pick it up last night. She was firm about a couple of points. If she craps or wees, then I have to clean it up. The pup, that is. Not Mum. Secondly, it has to be gone by tonight. That, I believe, is where you come in, El.’
Elise stood and cleaned away the remains of our food just as the bell signalling the end of lunch rang.
‘Two more lessons, El,’ I said, ‘and you’ll be meeting your new best friend.’
‘The hell with that,’ said El. ‘We’re going now.’
‘You want to wag school? We can’t do that.’
‘Watch me, CC.’
And I thought. I’d nearly died. Elise had tried to harm herself. Her parents were ripping each other’s throats out. My mother wanted to tear me away from my father and my friends. A court case loomed. Horrible things were going to be said. I was probably going to be relocated from the only country I’d ever known to an unfamiliar place just so that Mum could continue loving someone who was still, in some ways, a stranger to me.
And I was worried about missing a couple of lessons? I grabbed my backpack.
‘You’re gonna love her, El,’ I promised.
‘I love her already.’
‘Not more than me, though.’
‘Course not.’ Elise stopped and put a finger on her chin. ‘Who the freaking hell are you again?’
We linked arms and strode through the school gates as if we didn’t have a care in the world. A teacher shouted something at us, but we didn’t even look back.
The dog had peed. And crapped. It was difficult to believe something so small could have produced so much waste. And it stank. I nearly gagged when we opened the laundry door. El just fell to her knees and swept the pup up in her arms. She started doing the hysterical crying thing again. I mean, I know they were tears of happiness, but even so …
‘I’ll clear up the mess, CC,’ she said through her tears.
‘If you insist,’ I replied. Luckily there were mops and buckets already in the laundry room, though one of the mops had been shredded by something with small but sharp teeth. There was a prime suspect I had in mind, but I kept my thoughts to myself. El couldn’t bring herself to let the dog go while she cleaned, which made for a somewhat bizarre and funny spectacle. She didn’t do a bad job and it probably helped that the poo was more liquid than solid (I’d put bleach down the laundry sink later), but she failed to realise that the hem of her school skirt had a suspicious stain from when she’d fallen to her knees amid a sea of urine. I thought it best not to point it out.
‘We’ll walk her home, CC,’ said El. There was a kind of wild glint in her eyes. ‘It’ll only take an hour or so.’
‘Ah,’ I said. ‘Though tiny beastie here does have a collar and a lead, she won’t be able to go walking through the streets for a few more weeks yet. She needs her parvo booster. Mum said she’d drive us later when she gets back from work.’
El had difficulty hiding her disappointment.
‘But our backyard,’ I added, ‘will be a wilderness for her to explore. I bought toys, Elise.’
And the next couple of hours were glorious. I don’t know about Elise, but for that time I forgot all about the problems we were tangled up in. We threw toys for the tiny Saint Bernard and she chased them or didn’t or went after her own tail or sniffed at things in the garden beds. She played with all the abandon of something crazily young. We did too.
‘We wagged school this arvo, Mum,’ I said. I figured she would probably find out in time. In my experience parents always find out stuff you don’t want them to know. Every single freaking time. There’s probably a law of physics about it.
‘My fault,’ said El. She had the dog in a bear hug that was so tight it was vaguely worrying. The pup didn’t appear fussed though.
‘But Cate’s responsibility,’ said Mum.
‘I figured it wasn’t going to make much difference,’ I said. ‘You know, given I’ll miss school for weeks if we go to England. Not to mention being put into a system I know nothing about. What’s a couple of lessons compared to all that?’
Mum gave me a look. If I had to be specific, I would call it a Mum look. All kids know it. It’s the one that says, you and I will be having words later, Miss Smart-Arse. But she kept quiet for now.
On our way over to her place later, Elise sat in the back seat and crooned to the dog in her lap. The front was occupied by tension. From time to time, Mum’s nose crinkled as if she’d caught a whiff of dog urine clinging to a school uniform, but I might have been mistaken. Mum walked El to the front door, and smiled and chatted to El’s mum for a minute or two while I waited in the car. I waved as my friend went inside. I couldn’t remember when I’d seen her so happy.
The journey back was uneventful for at least a minute.
‘Your father and I were in court today,’ said Mum.